The meaning of secrets
by Chantale23
Summary: Set in serie 10, I wasn't happy with the end and couldn't accept that Harry and Ruth wouldn't be together. This is also a rewriting of the story I published a year ago. Starts dark and sad but keep on reading and you'll get fluffy, corny and ... sexy. Hope you enjoy.
1. The meaning of secrets - chapter 1

Last August I had a heart attack, then open heart surgery followed with a major infection that kept me in the hospital for almost a month. It's been 7 months now and during the whole ordeal two things that I have done religiously for all of my life had no appeal whatsoever… writing and reading. You would think it would be the ideal time for both but I haven't written a line or read a single book. I'm better now even though I'm not back at work full time as the infection is still hanging on to me. So instead of obsessing with having no desire to write, I thought I would rewrite my first story. I wasn't really satisfied with it and I believe I have improved in both the story telling and my knowledge of the English language which are, to me, entirely valid reason to rewrite this.

There's another part to my rewriting this story. Now I have personal experience of coming close to dying and having a second chance. I know how it feels to have regrets and I did have quite a few. I am changed by what I went through and I wanted this story to reflect the knowledge I now possess. However, remember this my experience, it's my personal take on it. Some of you with the same experience might have felt the same or differently.

Hope that the few of you who remember reading this story will tell me if there is improvement or not with this story.

 **The meaning of secrets.**

Chapter 1

It is said that at the moment of death you see your whole life in your mind, all the pictures, like a replay of one's life.

 _I must not be dying._

The pictures Ruth sees in her mind aren't of her life. They are all about her and Harry and what could have been. Her thoughts are all of him. The first time she saw him, his eyes, his smile, his gentle face. She revisits the many times they had been together, on the Grid or outside of it. Their only date… Such lovely times.

Then the pictures change. She sees him and her together, having a simple life, washing dishes, going to a movie, shopping, holding hands while looking at each other across a table, laughing and smiling. It is all about the little mundane things all couples do. She wanted that… yearned for that life. She had dreams of a life with him, of belonging… to… with someone…not just anyone , she wanted to belong to him, be with him.

 _I'm not dying; these are not from my life. These are my dreams, my fantasies._

She feels the wind against her face. She hears his voice, shivering under its caress. He's crying against her ear, gently cradling her face between his hands. His face is tucked in the nook between her shoulder and her neck and she gets lost in the smell of him, this indefinable smell of his skin, so unique. She mentally smiles. She would pick up his smell amongst thousands of others.

She remembers her hand touching his, squeezing his arm gently and it fills her with longing. She wishes they could have really been together… intimate.

She had lived the last 10 years, her body alive and defined by her desires, all for Harry. The gentle crooked smile he had only for her, his eyes telling her the words that couldn't cross the barrier of his lips. She wanted a life with him, wanted to fall asleep to his voice, wake up to his kisses. She wanted all these ordinary things she had dreamed of but never had dared ask for.

She had been so wrong, they could be more together. How could she have told him that these things were never meant for them? How could she be this cruel with the gentle heart of the man she loved more than she thought possible?

 _I can't die, I have to live and tell him… I have to..._

She is lost in the moment, looking at the pictures across her eyelids. Her heart isn't hammering in her breasts as it had before… her breathing isn't laboured, she doesn't even feel pain.

 _Am I dead? I can't be. I can't leave him… not so close to being with him._

She hears him sobbing and feels his lips on hers, his sweet lips wet with tears. She can feel his body calling her to him… and the wretched sobbing against her ear.

 _Our third kiss. He loves me._

She has to talk to him… to tell him she is still with him, not to despair.

 _Don't cry my love. I'm here._

She can't form the words, can't find her voice. She can't comfort him and reassure him, can only listen to the anguish in his tears falling against her temple. She tries with all she has to speak to him but just can't, so she tries to send him her thoughts.

 _I love you Harry, I love you. We will be together. I was wrong. We are meant to have these things, to be together, my love. I can't leave you this way, alone knowing that in times you'll resent me for not loving you and eventually you'll hate me for my cowardice._

She has been so terribly wrong. Nothing wonderful about unsaid words… unrequited love. She wanted to say the words to him with all her might. Three simple little words with a lifetime of meaning in them… a lifetime of memories of happiness and love that would soothe his grief. She stole that from him, not accepting his love for her and not telling him how much she loved him.

 _God. Please almighty God. Please let me live. I'm not asking for myself, I want this for Harry. He's sacrifice so much. If I live I will tell him. I love him so much. It's not enough anymore to love you from afar. I want to tell you Harry. I will heal, I will be brave and tell you. I have to. For you… for us._

 _Please God, give me a chance, let me live. I will tell him, I swear on all I hold dear, I will tell him. I will not run or hide from him ever again. I promise, God. He needs me. He may not admit it but he needs me as he needs love in his life._

She hears noises and a very loud thumping. Wind has picked up, whipping her hair now covering her face and she feels a hand gently moving the hair away. She knows it's Harry's. Only he could touch her with such love. People are moving around her. She feels Harry's body leave hers.

 _Please don't. Harry stay with me. I love you. Please, please, stay with me._

In her mind she is screaming but she also knows that not a single word comes out of her mouth. She hears voices, some she knows, others she doesn't. She senses something prickling the skin of her arm, and pressing on her chest.

"We gave her adrenaline in injection. We haven't felt a pulse in maybe 2 minutes… maybe a little more." Calum sounds frantic.

Her body jerks as she feels her heart ready to jump out of her chest and instantly pain takes over. She wants to cry out. The pain is unbearable, swerving through her body, making thoughts impossible, overtaking her.

"I got a pulse" a disembodied voice shouts over the other voices.

 _Oh my God! I was dead. I really was. I'm alive again. God! The pain… I can't… Make it stop, stop the pain, please. I can't breathe._

Her body is being moved and then lifted.

 _Noooo! Harry stay with me. Don't leave me. Please Harry._

She feels his hand on her forehead and hears his voice strangely calm but insistent.

"Ruth, I'm here, don't give up. Please Ruth, fight for us… Come back to me. Fight. I know you can. Don't leave me. I can't live without you. We'll have a life together."

"Sir, you have to move." Says another voice.

"I have to stay with her" Harry's voice is full of fear.

"Sir… move. NOW!" The first voice has come back harsh and hard.

She feels his touch leave her but hears his voice a few feet from her side.

"Tell me how not to be in your way, but I AM STAYING WITH HER." His tone has hardened; the fear in it has left. It is his 'don't you mess with me' voice. She wants to smile but her lips won't obey.

She feels her body being carried and the sun is gone from her face and so is the wind. She is moved inside something; noisy and cramped…

"Fine. Sit over there and let me work." The hard voice talks again.

She can't feel Harry anymore and fears starts swelling in her heart but then she hears his voice again, his reassuring voice gripping her to him.

"Ruth. Don't give up. We are meant to have those things. Fight for your life, Ruth. You have to live, please. Don't let go… You can't let go. Think of your house… and all the changes you'll make. Where will you put all your books? How will the cats like their new house?"

He keeps on talking as if his words were her lifeline. He just let them cascade from his mouth, without much thought about their meaning. He is just so desperate to keep her with him.

 _Yes Harry! We will have these things. We'll fill the house with my books and your music. The cats will be happy to be back with Scarlett again. They've missed her._

She relaxed, the pain is leaving her. She's not afraid. She feels a great calm come over her

The voice is back "I'm losing her again. Pads. CLEAR!"

Harry whispers a single word. "Nooo..." She hears him from afar before darkness takes over and she loses herself in it. She feels a great calm come over her.

" _Harry, I love you… so much._ Sadness fills her. _I must be dead if I'm willing to admit that I love him… even if only to myself._


	2. The meaning of secrets - chapter 2

This chapter is all about Harry POV. I'm keeping with the serie, just giving him an internal dialogue. Harry has always been driven by his guilt and his failures, keeping his emotions from showing. How far could they take him?

 **Chapter 2**

 _I didn't bother calling in. They know the reason I'm not on the Grid. I don't want to see the contempt on their faces. They know I didn't protect her. They don't know she's dead, they don't know what I did this morning. This morning I killed her. No way around it, I sealed her death._

 _At first, I felt hollow, like all the world's happiness had suddenly vanished, like the sun would never shine again. All the small details that make one's step lighter, one's lips spread in a smile, they were all gone. Something in me was broken, shattered. I feel all over the place… scattered to the winds._

 _I had to find Ruth. Ironically, I left her to go looking for her. I couldn't go through her death without her._

 _Right after I killed her, I called and ordered her name to be added on the Memorial Wall. How dare they refuse? I didn't care there was no death certificate yet. I'm Sir Harry Pearce, I pushed my weight around and got what I wanted and I wanted very much for everyone to know that she sacrificed her life protecting others… even if it was protecting me, someone unworthy of her sacrifice. In the end I screamed at them that if she was alive I'd be more than happy to pay for a new panel without her name on it. I knew I wouldn't have to, she was dead. I killed her._

 _Afterwards, I came out of the hospital, got in my car and started driving... aimlessly. I drove for about an hour when I realized I was on my way to Suffolk, to the house she pictured us living in._

 _Would I find her there?_

 _Still driving, I had a goal now, a destination. That's all I needed, one simple objective busying my brain which was silenced by emotions rattling my body and my soul. I stopped at a café along the road, checked the internet and found the ad for a house with a green paint peeling door, looked up the real-estate agent and requested a viewing for later that morning and I kept on driving... Would I find her, I needed her... so much._

 _I get to the place and walk up the street leading to the house. Beautiful alley, lined with tall trees protecting me from the sun. How can it be sunny when she's dead? Didn't the sun know not to shine, that it is supposed to mourn the loss of an exceptional being. It should be raining, heavy cold rain. That would fit the way I feel, yet I'm standing here, the sun is shining and I want to cry._

 _Can't go on, must go on._

 _I look at the house and pain rushes through my body. She wanted that house for us. I can picture myself getting home to her opening the door, welcoming me with a smile. I'd walk up to her and she would gently kiss me and I would feel her love for me. The real estate agent arrives. It takes all I have to put one foot in front of the other and go in, but I do because I'm still looking for her._

 _The house is full of light. I can picture Ruth cooking, laughing and sitting across from me, having tea. In all my thoughts… she's smiling, her delightfully crooked and shy smile. God I miss her. I feel a gaping hole in me… in my body… in my heart and in my soul._

 _Where is the rain? I need it to rain. I can't stand the light._

 _The house is perfect, just like she described it. I hear her voice asking me to live in that house with her, the words she said to me only five days ago. My God, there's a pain in my chest that won't stop killing me slowly. I need to get out. I turn around and leave the house. I'm not ready to find her. Not ready to morn her. I get back to my car, sit behind the wheel and start driving back to London._

 _I'm so lost. I don't know what to do. I'm just all over the place. The Home Secretary's calls me, I don't answer, I just listen. How am I supposed to know what I want to do, where I want to go… what I want to be? All I know is my grief, the gut wrenching pain of losing her, the void her death has left behind. I also know what could have been…a life with her. The joy I had felt when she asked me to leave the service with her. I couldn't explain but it was bliss wrap in euphoria served on a bed of delight. I knew then I was going to see my dream come true, to be with her in every way possible. Merely minutes later my world crashed and she died in my arms for the first time. My heart stopped, my mask fell and the raw emotion of my sorrow came to the surface._

 _Alone in my car, I feel the overwhelming need to talk. I need to tell someone about her, the woman whom I loved. She is dead, I have killed her._

 _Without much thought, I dial Catherine's phone number. My mind isn't all there; I can't understand why I'm calling my daughter… I just feel the need to. It rings a few times before she picks up._

"Catherine." _my voice sounds hoarse to my ears, don't know why, I haven't shed a tear for her yet… not since I killed her._

 _As soon as she hears me say her name, Catherine knows something is horribly wrong._ "Dad?" _Her voice is hesitant and careful._

 _I simply answer not really caring about the words._ "I need you Catherine. Can you come to the house? I… I… really need to talk to you. Can I see you please?"

 _Who is talking? It can't be me. Harry Pearce doesn't need anyone… I needed her before but now that she's gone from my life, I don't need anyone anymore._

"Dad… I'll be there in 15." _After everything I did… or rather didn't do, she doesn't hesitate in answering my plea. I don't deserve her, don't deserve anyone._

"Actually, I'm about an hour and a half from London. Will you be there when I arrive? I don't want to be alone."

 _My words shocked Catherine into silence. I know what she's thinking. Her father, to her knowledge, had never ask anyone for help, had never wanted not to be left alone but it isn't me speaking, it's the grief and it wants someone else to talk to. It won't talk to me. It knows who I am… what I did._

"I will Dad. I will be there." _She hesitates a little before asking._ "Do you want me to stay on the line while you drive back?"

"Thank you, Sweetheart, I'll be fine. I need to focus on the driving. I'm not all there and…" _I take a deep breath before adding._ "Thank you so much Catherine. For being… for me... I don't..."

"It's ok Dad, just be careful and get home. Ok."

"Yes… ok, I will see you then."

"Bye Dad" _Her voice is soft and tender. Has she ever talked to me in that sweet tone of voice? I want to tell her not to worry that I'll be fine but she hung up already._

 _I hang up. I need to talk about Ruth. I never had before, never said how much I love her. It was just one of my many secrets but I can't let her die as one. Someone has to know who she was, what she meant to me. It is all bottled up inside and it is fighting to come out... to explode._

 _I snap out of my thoughts not knowing where I am. I'm on my street, my house, surprised to find myself back at home. I don't remember the last hour or so. I'm actually stunned that I didn't get into an accident and killed myself. Strangely, the thought is not so discomforting. Would I be with her if I did? Can I believe in an afterlife when I don't believe in God? Can my love for her supersede my faith or lack thereof?_

 _I park the car and get out. I look up and stop dead standing with the door still open. Catherine and Graham are sitting on the stairs to my door. Both my children are here… for me. I have been an absent father, I've missed so many of their important days but here they are, now, for me. I feel humble and guilty, proud and sad… just a little more scattered._

 _Graham is here. My son, the son I haven't seen in years is here for me. I don't deserve them. I can't move, I'm paralysed with regrets, guilt and such a feeling of worthlessness. The pain of it all is killing me. How much can a heart take before it stops?_

 _I close the door, I start walking to the front of the car to make my way to them but then I stop as I feel tears running down my face. What's wrong with me?_

Graham looks at his sister totally shocked. Catherine grabs her brother's hand and walks up to their father. When she reaches Harry, she folds her arms in his. Looking at Graham, her eyes telling him to take the other arm, they walk slowly up to the door, Harry weighing heavily on his children oblivious to their silent dialogue.

They had never seen their father cry… never. What had happened? Catherine in a gentle voice whispers to him, trying to soothe him.

"It's ok Dad. We're here, it will be ok. We'll get you inside to a good cup of tea. Sweet tea, it will make you feel better. A cup of sweet tea, that's what you need."

 _No… don't say… Not these words._

 _Sweet tea, that's what you need._ _Once upon a time, I said these very words to Ruth. If only I had taken her more seriously, I might have been able to protect her. We might have come together years earlier. How different would our lives be? She might not have died. I could be coming home to her at this moment, to my home… to her… to our life together._

Graham meets his sister's eyes over their father, his body bent as if in pain. He's sobbing now, ravaging sobs wrecking his body. He looks physically unarmed but the pain is evident. What could be so terrible to break Harry Pearce?

As they step inside the house, Harry punches in the number into the security system… her birth date, his beloved birth date.

 _I have to sit down, I can't stand. I'm dying… I feel like I'm dying. Can someone die of grief?_

The three of them move to the living room, they sit down and he starts start talking. No 'how are you', no 'thank you for being here', he starts talking about Ruth. He can't explain it. It's like a valve just open and Harry can't turn it off again. He talks nonstop and his children listen.

 _I have to tell them how much she meant to me. About the first day she came in the meeting room and the not remotely funny joke I made. How enchanting she was, like a breath of fresh air in my life. How utterly brilliant she was. I have to express how my feelings changed over time. I need to do so as if my life depended on it. Ruth deserves it… every words a testimony to what an incredible human being she was. How can I not speak how she sacrificed herself for me to keep on fighting? How can I explain our kiss on the dock; my most prized memory and how sad I was during her years in exile? Can I tell them my guilt over George's death, how she loss Nico? About when I kissed her before being taken by the CIA; my second most prized memory of us. To feel her lips, a taste of heaven I would never taste again. She lost her life to protect me._

 _I hold nothing back… the pain I have inflicted upon her and how in the end she still wanted to be with me, still loved me. I tell them how she asked me to leave the Service to be with her and how thrilled and grateful I was at having a life with her. I sob again reliving the moment she was stabbed and how she told me about the things we couldn't have. I described the house I visited that morning, how wonderful our life could have been and how I couldn't stay._

They just listen to him; both children overcome by the words and the emotions pouring out of their father… the man they thought didn't have a heart. Sometimes when tears are too powerful to allow for words, their hands run down his back, their arms holding him. Graham put glasses after glasses of water in his hand as if to offset all the tears he sheds and a way for him to feel useful.

 _I'm an emotional mess. It's like emotions are crawling right under my skin wanting to come out._

The children are lost to what they need to do. Their father, the formidable Harry Pearce, the man they hated as teenagers, despised as adults, is tormented with sorrow, his humanity lashing out. The realisations of his vulnerability making them feel the guilt of having crossed him out of their lives so lightly, not giving their father a second thought for years. It is obvious that their father wasn't without a heart. It was the opposite; his emotions ran deep. He was just very good at hiding them... hidden not unfelt. The three of them stay mashed on the sofa for hours, hurting and healing.

Still he talks and talks and talks some more… about Ruth, about his children… them, how he failed them… her. He admits not having any control over himself, over how he feels, but he doesn't admit not knowing what to do with all he's feeling.

 _It's the first time, I ever open up and really talked to my children or anyone for that matter. First time showing them the man I was, the one I am now… They move a little closer to me, holding me… hugging me closely, trying to give me the comfort I don't deserve. I'm terrified at how good it feels. They talk softly as if I am a fragile child. It feels like a bond is being created between the three of us. Could grief do that? Could it be that trusting them with my feelings made things better with them? Is it what they wanted all along, my trust in showing them who I really am?_

That night, in a nice house, on a rather lumpy sofa, the past is forgotten temporarily. For that moment in time, resentments are buried. They will resurface eventually, but now isn't the time. They are in the eye of the tornado from a bottomless pit of desolation. The three of them find each other.

It's late by the time, at the insistence of their father, the children leave, promising to be back the following day.

 _I'm alone now. All alone. I'll be alone for the rest of my life, without Ruth. God… the walls are closing on me, my mind enfolded in darkness. All I feel is emptiness… my empty house, my empty life. I feel hollow as if my heart has been pulled out of my chest and I'm left empty, unfeeling and yet wrapped in immeasurable pain. I can't breathe. I need to get out of here. I can't, I just can't stay._

"Scarlet… Walk"

A man walking his dog. A man who doesn't look any different than thousands of other men walking to the park with their dogs. A normal and familiar thing to do. Reaching a bench at the edge of the park, he sits down under the shadow of trees, looking at his dog running around the park. He's hardly worthy of notice and he's unmindful of his surrounding or his dog. For Harry nothing is left but torment. No feelings of the cold going through his coat, deadening his body to match his heart. After minutes or maybe hours of running everywhere in the park, a shivering Scarlett jumps on the bench and pushed the hand of her master who's been sitting there… motionless.

"Poor girl, you're freezing. Let's go home."

 _I use to feel joy in these words. Going home, going to work, going anywhere. It didn't matter I knew she was there somewhere… now it's all the same to me_.

He goes through the motion almost mechanically. The man and his dog walk back to a nice normal house and enter it. He locks the door, sets the alarm, takes off his coat and climbs the stairs to his bedroom.

 _I'm exhausted, cold and weary. I can't think and I don't want to feel anymore. I need to lie down and get into bed. I'm so tired… I want the pain to stop._

He lies on top of the duvet without undressing. He knows he won't sleep.

 _I haven't slept since she was stabbed… If I do the nightmares will wake me. What's the point? I don't want to sleep. While I'm awake lying here I know she will come to me. Ruth's face is all I see when I close my eyes. There is no escaping her face… I don't want to. I need every single memory I have of her. Every smile, every touch and every words; they are rocking my mind and stabbing at my soul._

 _God… 5 am, that's enough. I feel like I'm drowning in the depth of own dejection, may as well get up. I need to change, fresh suit, a shirt and a tie. Would she like this tie with that shirt?_

 _Of course she wouldn't… I killed her._

 _Work, I need to go to work, I always find solace in my work, always have before. I'm in my dressing gown, did I shower yet? I missed that. Why am I facing the mirror? Oh! I need to shave._

Looking at his reflection he feels something swell inside, taking over. In the last 5 days, all he felt was grief, sadness and sorrow and every variation that tormented him. Now looking in the mirror, anger and guilt show up with a vengeance.

 _"Who are you? You're the man who killed her. That's who you are. The man who didn't protect her. Why didn't you move in front of her? Why didn't you push her out of the way? You should have known it was going to happen. Why didn't you give your sorry life for hers? Such a coward, you'd let a woman die for you. What a waste… and you're to blame."_

 _What are these red dots in the sink? Where does the blood come from? Why is my hand bleeding? Why is the mirror broken into pieces? Did I do that? Did I hit the mirror? Who is the voice in my head?_

 _"You're so pathetic Pearce, it's risible. You are useless, contemptible, you are pathetic. Look at yourself. Look Harry… look closely… carefully. What do you see? Pity? Shame? Guilt? Yes guilt, that's the one. You are guilty of her death."_

Is this really him? The image the broken mirror sends back is fragmented, such a metaphor for who he is. He feels somewhat calmer.

 _I'm falling… I want to just give up._

 _"That's it Harry, fall into the abyss. Let go. See who you really are. You've never been a complete man, only facets put together under a mask. You know the mask Harry. The one you've been hiding behind for most of your life; the one that kept her from really knowing you... from loving the real Harry. Would she have loved the real Harry? Could she have?"_

 _What's happening to me… Am I going crazy? I don't even know who I am anymore… I don't know who I'll be without her._

 _"Good boy Harry. Put it up; don't let anyone see how much you're bleeding inside. Don't let them see that you want to die. No point in that Harry. Just set the mask, make it strong and thick, it has to hide all you feel. Yes, just like that, put the mask on."_

 _Yes… I'm so glad. The mask is up. No signs of turmoil showing on my face, the mask securely in place. Now razor in hand and start shaving Harry, make yourself look the part. That's me now, dead inside but closely shaved. Harry Pearce 101._

 _What happened? I'm dress and don't remember doing it. How much time have I lost? Who cares? I certainly don't. Time I lost is time spent away from feeling so much. I'm suitably dressed and going through the motion like this was any other morning… just a little slower._

 _I'm in the kitchen, I feel like throwing up. I take out a cup and saucer. God no! Why did I grab that cup? The few times she came over that's the cup I gave her. That's her cup. Her lips touched that cup. I don't deserve to drink from her cup. 6:30. I need to call Mike and sit down to wait for my drive to the office. My thoughts and my body are mercilessly rebelling, like they are trying to destroy me from inside out. The urge to vomit is overwhelming._

 _"You monster… you killed her. You don't deserve to live. Why don't you just off yourself. You'd do the world a favour. You killed her! Your fault. You lost her Harry, you didn't protect her and you lost her. You are nothing but a feeble old man. Settle this Harry. Her life for your life."_


	3. The meaning of secrets - chapter 3

Hope you enjoy, reviews are always appreciated.

In Chapter two, Ruth is dead and Harry is being pulled apart with grief.

 **Chapter 3**

The car arrives but Harry hardly notices it, his internal dialogue keeps on going and it's somehow comforting, validating how he feels.

 _At least I look ok, perfectly in control._

 _"You let her die, Harry. You killed her. You don't deserve to breathe, to live."_

Nobody would even remotely suspect he's dead inside. The mask is in place.

 _Only SHE would be able to read me, to know something is terribly wrong with Harry Pearce. Thames House, my doom and my comfort. How did… I didn't know we left the house._

 _"Of course you didn't you bastard. You're only concern with your selfish little person… how you feel, how much you're hurting. Boo hoo… Harry Pearce. Don't make me cry you pathetic monster. I don't have pity for the man who killed her."_

 _I need to find her. Maybe I'll find her downstairs, the memorial. Too loud, it hurts. The voice is screaming in my head but I don't care anymore whether it stops or not. I deserve every word._

"S _he's dead! You need to see it. She died protecting you… a second time and then you killed her. Time to see what you've done and look at her name. YOU put it there!"_

 _My God, all the names lost to the Service and right over there… her name. I don't think I can look at her name._

" _Look at it Harry. Here she is… just a name on a wall."_

 _Drops sliding along the wall, a poor imitation of all the tears shed for each of the names, suspended in mid-air, in a locked room, hidden away… a secret._

 _"LOOK AT HER NAME HARRY!"_

 _No, I can't… but my eyes don't obey me and I read her name written on the glass. The mask is hiding the horror I feel inside. I feel sick, nausea is hitting so hard I feel dizzy._

 _My God, Ruth, I miss you so much. I'm lost without you. I didn't protect you, I killed you. I can't stand being with myself. I want to be with you, my Ruth. I want to die my love, to be with you. Too many deaths, too many losses, you're the one too many. I can't do it anymore._

The voice shuts him up, snickering, it sounds delighted with his thoughts.

" _You're right Harry, you can't do it anymore. Such a coward Harry... all the way to the end. Death is the easy way but the only way for you now. You just can't do it without her. Only she can take away the guilt, but you killed her."_

 _Then I hear another voice, a gentle, loving voice silencing my thoughts… her voice. Now we are three in my head. Welcome to the crazy club Harry._

 _"No Harry. I died out of love for you. I loved you more than my life. Please don't make my sacrifice a mistake. Think of Catherine and Graham. They would be devastated now that they found you again. Live Harry. Live to see your children marry, to see your grandchildren. Live Harry. For me?"_

 _Ruth. I'm not sure I can. I want the pain to stop. I want to be with you. I'm tired… just so tired._

 _"Harry, it's not your time. You have to live. For me, please Harry. You have to do it. That's all I'm asking you. In memory of me… for me, Harry choose life."_

 _I'll try Ruth, for you I will._

Almost like a gentle kiss on his face he hears her gentle voice again.

 _"Thank you, my love. I'm still with you Harry, I will always be. I love you."_

By 8:00am, Harry is on the Grid. His mask is well in place and as he walks through the Grid. He's not aware of his team looks of concern. He's oblivious to everything but keeping his mask in place. No one can see, can know. He sits down at his desk, engulfed in sadness and sorrow. His skin is too tight, his mind overwhelmed and his body is hurting from the lack of food and sleep. He doesn't care, he just feels the need to work… to distract himself, if only for a minute. He needs to take his mind somewhere that isn't her.

 _Ruth my love. I can't, I just can't live without you. How can I go on?"_

He doesn't have the energy, the will, to go on. His sense of duty is overpowered by the despair that fills his heart, the sense of loss that inhabits his being and his soul _._ He's just so tired.

Almost 30 years in the Service. He had wanted to leave before but hadn't known what to do with his life, so he had kept on working. Then she had come into his life and thoughts of retirement had crossed his mind. Still, he wasn't sure of her feelings for him so he had kept on working. When she asked him to leave, she offered him an alternative, a life outside the Service; she reminded him he wasn't only his job. For a very short moment, he pictured himself being happy, with her. He thought of the Grand Tourer and how she had been the only person he wanted to go with… for all these years.

Now all that was left was the job. No alternative, no life outside, No Ruth. He has no prospect for a different future. He will stay a few more years and die of a heart attack or at the hand of his revengeful past… maybe a bullet or maybe a bomb. His children will morn him for a little while. Life will go on, it always does.

8:03am. First LAR day… as in… Life After Ruth.

He's sitting at this desk, he hasn't moved yet, hasn't started working. He just is physically within the Grid, back in his office, mask in place. He IS only his job now… that and his memories and he remembers…

5 days before she was stabbed and the pain fill him all over again. When the helicopter had landed, she had been rushed to the operating room. He had waited for hours. Waiting. Hoping. Praying.

The doctor had come out of the operating room to tell him she was alive and had been transferred to the ICU but that her chances of surviving were very slim. The rip in her lung had been repaired but she was in a coma and on life support. They didn't know the extent of the damages to her brain from the lack of oxygen. Upon hearing she was alive, Harry had never known such relief.

It was short lived.

A few hours later, they told him there was no sign of brain activity. She was in a vegetative state. She wasn't breathing on her own and machines were keeping her alive. The compassionate, loving and intelligent woman's heart was brought down to the workings of machines. Unbearable.

The Doctor had told him how they had no hopes of her waking up. They had not said she was dead but he knew that's what they meant. Ruth was dead. His life, his everything was no longer.

This was the woman he loved more than life itself and she was dead. He had moved to her room and stayed by her side, trying to convince himself, trying to face that she was not coming back. He needed to admit she was dead, for his mind to know it. He made himself crush the hope that had been in his heart for a few hours.

That first day, his heart had chipped here and there and yet unconvinced she was gone forever. The second day, lines had started to appear, his heart still beating but painfully with one single sentence running over and over on his mind. Dead… no pulse, no brain activity.

The third day, the doctor came in, to tell him that he was Ruth's emergency contact and that she made a living will. The fissures had gotten deeper, slowly cracking his hurting heart. The Doctor had gently started to talk about terminating life support. There was no hope, nothing more could be done and Ruth had wished for no excessive and futile therapy… She didn't want to be kept on life support. He wanted him of all people to sign her death.

No pulse, no breath, no brain activity.

Harry's first reaction had been to not even entertain the possibility. Denial was his soul mate and saviour that day. As he sat by her side, he looked at her, saw her, how hurt she was and just like that, his heart started to believe she was gone. His eyes told him that this was just a shell and his Ruth was gone… she had moved on and he had to do the unthinkable and move on too. The sun setting, the Doctor was back. He kept saying it was up to him to see that her last wish was granted. He insisted that she must have trusted him to do right by her. Yes, Ruth had trusted him with her life several times; he had to do what she would want him to. He owed it to her to grant her final wish. As shadows left and darkness enclosed the room, Harry made the hardest decision he had ever made and his heart broke in that instant. First in two pieces, then again in four and finally, as Harry planned the unthinkable, his heart shattered like mousseline glass, in pieces as small as grains of sand with no hopes of ever being pasted together.

He was going to sign her death, kill her a second time. The finality of his decision made him question his resolved. The intent was in him but the will wasn't. He asked to be left alone with her… to be given some time. The Doctor agreed and left the room. Harry walked to the door and locked it. Coming back to her, he sat down again, took her hand in his and considered the rest of his life.

He spent the night with her... his first night with her… his last. Harry looked at her until the image was burned in his mind. After hours of him sitting there, he heard a knock at the door.

"Mr. Pearce, are you allright? Please unlock the door." He knew the nurse's voice. She had been caring for Ruth from the very first moment. He couldn't remember her name, or the doctor's for that matter. Nothing outside of Ruth was worthy of his attention.

"Yes I'm fine. I just want to be left alone with her." Even to himself he sounded dreadfully tired.

"I understand Sir, but you need to unlock the door." There was insistence in her voice.

Didn't she know what had happened, how he needed to be given time to say goodbye to his love?

"I'm fine, I just need time. Please give me until morning and I will come out. I promise. I just want time with her."

"Very well Sir. I'll come back in the morning." He heard her footsteps walking away.

"We're alone my darling, just you and I. We have a few hours to be together."

He had kissed Ruth's lips, her forehead and her cheeks. He had moved from the chair to the bed and his arms around her, he felt the warmth of her body against his. The warmth was a cheat, she wasn't there and still he wanted the dream to last a bit longer.

 _She's not dead, she's just sleeping_. He knew he was lying to himself but wanted the comfort the lie would bring.

His hand ran on her arms, her skin… so soft. He had never known such softness. He held her hand, so small in his, held her in his arms, lost in the irony that she had to die for him to be allowed to hold her. His fingers played with her hair, the chestnut curls so soft against his skin. How many times had he wanted to feel the softness? Too many to count.

He climb into the bed and held her in his arms, fooling himself into believing she was alive, that she was going to wake up and smile at him, that she would lean over him and move her lips to his. He wanted nothing more than for him to wake up to her. What if this was just a nightmare? But then this was a nightmare… just one he was awake for. He curled himself around her body, his head in the crook of her shoulder, his arm around her and for the first time in his life, felt utter contentment.

In this sterile room, she was his. For this one moment in time, she was his to love, to hold and to cherish… vows of commitment… vows of marriage… except for the 'till death do us part' portion, which was dictated by the rushing of minutes. Day break was almost upon them.

His hands roamed through her hair, ran over her arms, her hips and her shoulders, learning her body. Harry was consumed by her, flooded by her smell, immersed in the softness of her skin, encompassed in his love for her.

Gently, he lifted her eye lids because he needed to see them, one last time… to see her beautiful blue eyes. When he did, there was nothing but blue in them. She wasn't there. His leaned his head back on her shoulder and felt lost. He realised the solitude that would be his life without her and all the dreams that were now out of his reach.

He remembered every moment he had with her and knew they would stay with him until he draws his last breath. He prayed like never before. He didn't pray to God, he prayed for God because he knew that only with the existence of God could he see her again.

He stayed with her, trying to fill himself with her, collecting a life worth of sensation and feelings. He hoped it would be enough as, alone in the darkness of the room, her body against his; he had his first thought of dying, of ending his life to be with her.

Could he have an accident? They happen so fast. He was desperate to be done with the pain that he knew would become greater with the morning.

He held her against his chest and softly talked to her.

"I love you. Always will, Ruth." He whispered. "If God exists, you will be there when I die and you will take my hand in yours, never letting go of it, for eternity. Rest now, rest my love. I love you, I always will Ruth."

With all the will he had, Harry pulled himself from her embrace. He had to move on. Not from her, never from her. He just had to start functioning, to take a first step into living without her. He couldn't stay in this room, with her being… not being… He wished to stay like this forever, would have been content to just hold her forever... but he knew he couldn't.

He got up and stood by her bed, looking at her face, memorizing every infinitesimal detail. With the rays of the rising sun, Harry turned his back to her, unlocked the door, went to the Nurse's station and signed the papers. With his written permission they were going to kill her. Crushed by the weight of what he had just done, he left the hospital without a word and without looking back.

With the first light of day, Harry took his first step and went looking for her.

His thought snaps him back to the present. He's sitting at his desk, lost, tapping his finger, one quick tap, a longer one and another quick tap. One letter R. One word, Ruth. She would never answer his call. He had killed her; the machines had been stopped on his words.

He shivers; he wants to cry but he knows from the day before with his children that tears didn't bring the salvation he's searching for. He simply feels glad the mask is still well in place. No need to make a spectacle of himself. He controls the mask and the mask makes everyone feel comfortable. Good old Harry. Nothing fazes him. He loses a colleague one day and he's back on the job, perfectly fine, the day after.

 _How would they react if they knew I loved her… how much I loved her? They would probably laugh at me, a pathetic old spook in love with a younger and brilliant woman, totally out of his league._

He had his job, his colleagues and the country to save, he would be fine. He will crawl along in his life waiting for the end, to return to her. He couldn't see a point to his life anymore.

The phone starts ringing. Harry still looks straight ahead. That's all he has left, this desk, this place, this job… this phone. It keeps on ringing and he feels his hand move to answer. This is his first act in his new life. He picks up, making sure his voice doesn't waver and he simply says:

"Harry Pearce."


	4. The meaning of secrets - chapter 4

Chapter 3 ends as Season 10 ended. The very last image of Harry picking up the phone and saying his name. Totally anticlimactic if you ask me. When I saw the end of the last episode I couldn't keep myself from going NNNNOOOOOOOOO… STUPID, STUPID WRITER. Come on it can't end like this. Stupid end.

 **Chapter 4**

Harry hears a long sigh and very excited feminine voice starts talking… rapidly.

"Sir… finally. I'm so glad. You weren't answering your mobile and that's all I had in the emergency contact file. It took me forever to find a number for you."

"Who is this?" Harry doesn't really care about the answer. He just wants to be left alone.

"Oh! Sorry. I'm Nurse Akins from the Victoria hospital. I've been trying to reach you since early yesterday morning."

His breath catches in his throat. _No… not another death. I can't. I just can't._ But the voice keeps on talking.

"It's Miss Evershed, Sir. When we went in, you were gone and I couldn't reach you, and…"

It took all he has in him to control his voice. He stands up from his desk and interrupts the irritating voice.

"What about Miss Evershed."

The voice answers back almost screaming. "She's alive Sir! Miss Evershed is alive!"

Harry loses all feelings in his body and falls back into his chair. His mind is blank it feels like an outer body experience. The voice is so fast now that Harry is not sure he's hearing every word.

"We terminated life support and as we were going to call the time... we got a pulse, very faint, but there it was… a pulse. A few hours later, the pulse was a bit stronger and she took a breath on her own, Sir. Miss Evershed took a breath all by herself. She's alive!"

Nurse Akins wanted to be the one giving him the news. She had been the treating nurse to Ruth and had seen him crumble under her eyes, seen the man's heart literally break. She had fought to be the one telling him.

The phone drops from Harry's hand. He can't… he doesn't… he's lost again.

"My God! She's alive." He whispers fearing to say the words and yet not processing the thought, his body is numb, his brain is unplugged. He can hear a voice coming from the phone on his desk.

The shrilling voice on the phone is calling his name. "Mr. Pearce… Mr. Pearce. Are you there?"

He feels strange, as if everything inside him is breaking. How can something broken be broken again? He can't explain what he feels any other way, like the man he was is being broken by exultation. The mask he had so elaborately put in place dissolves… it's utterly, positively, completely gone.

Waves upon waves of joy, relief and hope roll into one another.

 _He's this what a rebirth feels like? I felt dead and now I don't. I've never felt more alive._

Harry had never been a spiritual man. Even when he was tortured on missions, he hadn't believed. But this! This! Finally a single thought makes it through the void in his mind.

 _Ruth's alive. I've got her back._

That's enough to bring him back to the moment, picking the phone up he asks: "Ruth is alive? Ruth Evershed is alive?"

The voice confirms his thought and makes the hope he feels swell until his being is filled with it. "Yes Sir. She's still on life support but her pulse is getting stronger with every hour."

 _I need to go to her, now… right now. I need Ruth and she's alive. My God she's alive. She's a miracle._

He looked at the phone in his hand and with a sure voice spoke into it again. "I'll be there shortly, I'm on my way.'' He hangs up and picks up the phone again, his voice dead serious and more commanding than ever. Nothing will keep him from going to her. He needs to go to her.

"Mike. Car. Front door, NOW." and hangs up again.

Grabbing his phone, he looks around for something else… he doesn't know what. He can't get up from his chair, his legs are just useless but he has to go to her… now… legs working or not. He slowly gets up, his hands are shaking… his whole body is… like a leaf. He slowly walks outside his office.

Erin sees him first and stands looking at him, Calum and Dimitri moving over to him as Erin arrives by his side.

"What's wrong Harry? What happened?"

He tries to talk, to tell her, but he can't get the words out at first, just her name.

"Ruth… Ruth is… She was… Ruth."

Erin puts her hand on his arm. "Yes Harry… we know."

Harry tries again. "No… Ruth… she is alive."

He can see disbelief on their faces. The words feel so good… they make him feel good… so he says them again.

"Ruth is alive." This time his voice is stronger and a smile illuminates his face. Everyone hears him and a few incredulous gasp are heard in the silence of the room. But Harry can't wait, he starts walking towards the pods, saying the words again.

"Ruth is alive... Ruth is alive. I'm going to her." Harry rushes by the group. "I'll phone, I promise. Tell the DG I'll be away for a while and to get a replacement for me." Within seconds is out.

Harry steps out of Thames House and he gets in the waiting car shouting orders.

"Mike . Victoria Hospital. Let's go. On the double." He feels giddy now, like the air is too thin.

Harry picks his phone and starts punching numbers. He's smiling, his lips spreading all the way across his face.

"Catherine. It's your Dad."

She can hear happiness, joy and delight in his voice. How can it be after the devastation they witness just the night before?

"DAD, what the hell?" Catherine wonders if her father has gone mad.

"Catherine my beautiful daughter… SHE'S ALIVE. Ruth is alive." Harry is laughing his words.

Catherine is speechless… she can't find the words to speak. She didn't believe in miracles and this was no small one.

"Yes, light of my days. Ruth is alive. I'm… I'm… My wonderful daughter, Ruth's alive."

"Dad…" she says chocking and Harry can hear tears in her voice.

"Catherine. Don't cry. It's such wonderful news my beautiful Catherine."

He hears Catherine's laugh. "Yes Dad. Ruth is alive."

Harry keeps on going. "Lovelier words were never spoken enchanting daughter of mine. Can't talk long, I'm on my way to the hospital and I want to phone Graham before I get there. I'm so happy Cat. I'm so happy… Ruth's alive."

"I'm so happy for you, Daddy." She says laughing. Catherine was getting snatched in Harry's bubble of joy. "She's alive, I can't believe it. Dad, call Graham, he'll be so happy. Go to her Dad, be with her and tell her you love her. Don't waste any more time."

"I intend to sweetheart. I'm so happy right now." Harry couldn't believe the miracle that was given to him but understanding wasn't required, she was his miracle and that's all he needed to know.

Catherine's tone turned serious.

"I don't care what you have to do Dad, but you make her love you. Beg on your knees, buy jewellery by the loads, write poems, sing… I really don't care. You need her to love you and you've wasted enough time. Once you've done that you call me. I want to meet the woman who took my father down for the count."

"Believe me Catherine. She has no other choice. I'm done wasting time. This was too close a call to let her run away from me. I have already imagined every scenario, every strategies, she's not getting away from me ever again. I promise you will meet her and you will be the maid of honour at our wedding."

"Whoa Dad, slow down. Wait at least until the doctors gives you their prognostic."

"I don't care about any of that Sweetheart, she's alive and as soon she can talk and say I do, I'm going to marry that woman. That's pretty much all I care about."

"Ok Dad. Give me the time and date and I'll be there in my prettiest dress. Now hang up, call Graham and go to her." She tells him as she's just about to hang up, her father stops her.

"Catherine?'

"Yes Dad."

"I love you Sweetheart."

She is shocked into silence. She never thought she'd hear the words from her father. The day before had been momentous but nothing like this.

She wants her Dad in her life more than anything, always craved it. He's her Dad; she loves him and always thought the love wasn't returned. His statement changed all that. "I love you too Dad."

Harry is overwhelmed. He never expected such a gift from his daughter. His happiness knows new level.

"Just had to say it Catherine, I've always felt it just couldn't say the words for so long. I can't stop them now, I'm too happy."

"I understand Dad, I needed the words to. We'll talk some more later. You have somewhere to be. Bye Dad."

She hangs up knowing he only has a few minutes before arriving to the hospital. Harry speed dials his son.

"GRAHAM! It's Dad." To say Graham is surprised would be the understatement of the century. His father is almost shouting over the phone.

"Dad?"

"Yes my golden boy. I'm your Dad and Ruth is alive." He is ridiculously happy. He wants to tell the world.

"MY GOD DAD! Wow… How… What…"

"Don't forget… who, where and why." Harry adds snorting. "I'm so happy, son. I'm even happier for the fact that I can call to tell you that Ruth is alive. I'm so happy we're talking son."

"Dad, I'm so… so happy for you…" Graham is lost for words but also truly happy for his father.

"Oh! Graham. I can't find the words. I am, delirious with joy, euphoric." Harry is on a high. "This is going to be an amazingly wonderful day. The sun is shining, the birds are chirping and Ruth's alive and I have my children in my life."

Graham doesn't recognize the man on the phone. He couldn't remember his father so jubilant. Harry Pearce wasn't known for his cheery disposition.

 _Who is this man?_ Graham thinks with a smirk on his face."Can you see anything from the cloud you're on Dad?" Graham adds laughing. He hears a giggle coming from the other side of the line and that takes Graham to a whole new level of disbelief.

 _Wow I didn't know he had it in him. Never seen him… this funny._

"That's enough, who are you and what have you done with Harry Pearce. Dad! You're giggling like a schoolgirl." Graham teases.

"Right you are son. I…" Harry gets distracted by the word. "You know I love saying that word. Son. My son. My fantastic son. My…"

Graham is howling with laughter. "Ok Dad, no way you're coming down anytime soon. "

Harry cuts in. "Graham, I'm at the hospital. I've got to go son."

"Ok, Dad. Keep in touch. Ok?" He has such hopes of having his Dad in his life. He's been angry and resentful of his father for so long but he knew that down deep inside he was even angrier at him for not wanting to be in his life. Being angry didn't mean he hated the man. From what he learned the day before, he came to the truth that his Dad loved him and staying away had not been solely his fault.

On his end of the line, Harry understands what his son is not saying.

 _Keep in touch. Funny Son. Now that you're back in my life, no way am I going to let you go. There is still a lot to fix, but I'll do my damnest to repair our relationship. I want Ruth and a family._

Encourage by his daughter's reaction to his words, Harry decides there shouldn't be any censorship between them and he lets go.

"I will son. I promise. I'm never not talking to you… not ever again. I love you Graham. I didn't say it or showed it in the past, but I do. I've been such an arse, but no more Graham."

There are a few seconds of silence before Graham's voice reach him.

"Love you too Dad."

That… These 4 little words stop Harry dead in his track.

 _Love you too Dad_.

Harry comes down from his cloud in one swift fall. He never expected, never thought he would again hear these words… from anyone… ever again. Three people… he has three impossibly wonderful human beings in his life and they love him.

Soberly he whispers into the phone: "Oh! Graham. I don't deserve you. Thank you so much Graham. I love you son."

At the words, Graham feels his heart swell and his throat tightened. In a chocked voice he tells Harry. "Go Dad. Ruth's alive."

And just like that, the son gives the father wings to go back on his cloud.

"That she is!" Harry almost shouts the words and follows with a few more that make Graham doubt his sanity. "You're invited to the wedding, son."

Harry hears laughter on the line right before he hangs up and jumps out of the car. He runs into the hospital and doesn't stop before he reaches the Nurse's station. He's looking for a nurse, any nurse. He wants to see Ruth. He hears his name coming from behind him in a familiar voice.

"Mr. Pearce!"

He turns around and recognizes the voice from the earlier phone call.

"Ah! Nurse Akins. You're the one who phoned me… aren't you?"

"Yes, I am Sir." She pushes her hand towards him, feeling the need to touch him somehow. Hand shake is a greatly underestimated comfort.

Harry gives her the biggest smile and shakes her hand vigorously. "Thank you… so much… She's alive?"

Getting her hand back before he crushes it, the nurse nods. "She is Sir. Follow me I'll take you to her, Mr. Pearce."

"Call me Harry."


	5. The meaning of secrets - chapter 5

I didn't write this to be a medical piece. Sorry if this doesn't medically work, in my world it does. Ruth had to survive so that they could have the end I wanted for my two favourite characters but I had to work within the stupid end I was given by Kudos. So here I am.

Please tell me… do you think my English got better? In my head it felt different, I'm not thinking in French anymore, I go directly to thinking in English when putting the words together… at least I think I am. Only you, the readers, can confirm if I have improved so reviews are a much appreciated necessities.

 **Chapter 5**

Doctor Steven Walker came in his patient's room and saw Harry lost in his thoughts standing by Ruth's bed. For days, he witnessed the sorrow of the man; saw him fade with grief in front of his eyes, beheld his heart breaking repeatedly.

 _She has to pull through. He needs her._ He wanted them both to heal from this and his thought made him sigh. _There's a long road ahead yet but he'll be with her through it, I would bet on it._

Harry turned hearing the doctor's sigh. Steven doesn't remember ever seeing a man so happy yet in such bad shape. Harry has bruises on his forehead, cheek and chin. He would guess 5 or 6 days old. He is showing signs of extreme fatigue; his face is pale, his shoulders droopy and his hands shaking, probably from low sugar level the Doctor concludes. He tries to remember seeing him eat or sleep during the days he had stayed by Ruth's side.

Harry ignores him and goes back to admiring Ruth's beautiful face, her hand in his.

 _She's so beautiful I have to remind myself to breathe_. Harry's thumb is gently rubbing her wrist. Feeling her pulse is incredibly reassuring to him.

Steven feels the need to intervene, for his patient's sake. She's going to need him. All he has to figure out now is how to make the older man do as he's told. "Mr. Pearce." Steven says sternly. He didn't believe Harry Pearce to be the obedient type; he knows of the battle to come and tries to devise a strategy for optimum results.

Harry still ignores him, he doesn't hear, doesn't see anything but Ruth.

Hardening his tone of voice Steven speaks louder, set on getting Harry's attention.

"Mr. Pearce. I have enough of one patient; I don't need a second one. When was the last time you slept or ate?"

Harry blinks. She had been stabbed 5 days earlier. How long had the CIA kept him, a day or was it two? After his rescue there hadn't been time for eating or sleeping. The night before the CIA picked him up… he hadn't had any appetite.

"I'm not sure Doctor, 7 days, maybe 8." Harry really couldn't remember.

The look of shock on the doctor's face tells Harry that wasn't the right answer. The doctor is inwardly impressed; to go that long without food or sleep is testament to the spook's strength.

"Might I convince you to leave her for a day or two?" Steven knows the answer before he asked but that is part of his flanking strategy. He had seen Harry's attachment for the unconscious woman under his care. She was his best negotiating asset.

"Utterly out of the question, Doctor. I'm staying put." Harry's eyes are deadly serious.

"I thought so." Standing straight, resolve showing on his face, Steven is making clear that he intends on winning this battle.

"I don't care how. You get something to eat, with all the food groups and in quantity. I'll get a cot in here for you. Once you've eaten, I want you to sleep for at least 8 hours preferably starting in less than one from now. You're exhausted and of no use to me… or to her. Once you've rested, we can discuss Ms. Evershed's case. Not a minute before."

His hand going to his chin in reflection, that woman was a God sent into dealing with the man.

 _May as well go for broke._ The doctor's mind is set on a very bold move.

"May I add that there's a medical check-up on your list of things to do in the very near future… that is if you want to stay by her side."

Harry's reaction is instantaneous, his eyes blazing with fury. "But… that's blackmail!"

The Doctor cuts him off. "I believe your profession knows the principle very well. At least, I don't have to explain how it works."

He knows Harry and Ruth are with the Security Services. He had been vetted a few years before and had signed the Official Secret Act. In his previous dealings with spooks, he had the unparalleled joy of being faced with the alpha male personality most of them were blessed with.

In a stern voice he spoke again giving the older spook a look that meant business.

"You eat three meals a day, sleep for 8 continuous hours every night and you can stay as long as you want. You can change your permanent address to this hospital for all I care. But… and I'm deadly serious Mr. Pearce, skip on one meal or one night and you're out of her room. You will not see her, you won't be told of her progress. In clear, Mr. Pearse, you will NOT be allowed by her side. Am I making myself clear?"

Harry is so tired he doesn't feel he has the energy to argue. Both men know perfectly well that Harry will do anything to stay by her side.

"Crystal Doctor." Still he wasn't going to let the Doctor win so easily. "Oh and Doctor!"

"Yes, Mr. Pearce." He did expect some type of negotiation; he had assumed he'd have to strike some kind of deal with the spook but to his surprise, there is none, only a bit of childish rebellion.

"It's Sir Harry… Sir Harry Pearce." The spook says with a tone and a smile reminiscent of a tongue pulling 5 years old.

The doctor has the good grace of not laughing, however the smile on his face could not be supress with Harry's last resort at a little bullying.

"Rank pulling, Sir Harry. I'll tell you a little secret. It doesn't really work with Doctors. You see the order of things is God then Doctors. Spooks are somewhat lower on that list… much lower."

Steven's words were accompanied by the move of his hands showing the gradation and the inequality of their standing. Then with a more serious look on his face, looking directly into Harry's eyes, he adds.

"I'm resolute Sir Harry, you eat, you sleep and pee in every tube presented to you... or you're out. This is no idle threat, Sir Harry, skip one of these conditions and you will be out."

Harry didn't care, he would do anything for her, whatever and whenever… to be with her.

"Yes Doctor, I will eat and sleep and submit to the tests, I promise. I give you my word."

Harry thought it was a small price to pay to be allowed to stay by her side.

 _He has to be kidding himself… There's no way I'm going anywhere, even less chances of doing it of my own fault. She's alive and I'd do anything to be with her_.

Harry looks the man in the eyes and smiles wickedly.

"However, if I may correct you, it's God, Knights of the realm and then Doctors."

Steven sees through Harry's reply as a last ditch effort at saving face. He'll let him get the last word. Harry doesn't seem to be the type of man to be dictated to… even under blackmail. Spooks are not known to be led by emotions and yet the single thought of not seeing her makes Sir Harry infinitely more malleable. Steven Walker isn't foolish, he will be sure to keep that in mind.

"Very well Sir Harry. We have come to an agreement and I expect you to stand by it." With these words, Steven walks over to the different machines Ruth is plugged to and compiled the different readings on her chart. Once he's done, he simply turns around and leaves the room without another word to the man back to sitting by her side.

Harry has every intention of not tempting the doctor into kicking him out. He is going to be the best bloody inmate in the ward if that allows him to stay. That moves him into action. With an attention to details he usually reserves for black ops, Harry has, within 30 minutes, a cot and a square meal that Nurse Akins, after being told the condition of his capitulation, picks up from the bistro next door. Harry wouldn't leave her even to just pick up a meal. He's still afraid of her condition going the other way and not surviving. He won't let her die alone.

After eating his meal, Harry gets undress to his boxer and undershirt. He's now standing by her side and gently takes Ruth's hand in his.

"Good day my love. Sweet dreams." He whispered in her ear. He gently kisses her, turns around and gets into bed. He falls asleep within seconds, a huge smile on his face.

His last thought being: _Ruth's alive!_

Several hours later, a door closing wakes Harry up. Looking at his watch he sees it is close to 5:00 pm. He slept for 7 hours and didn't even hear the staff come and go from the room. He yawns, stretches a little and gets up. Putting his trouser and shirt on, he moves towards Ruth's bed.

"Hello dear heart." He bends and kisses her chastely on the lips. "Did you sleep well? I did. I dreamt of you, my love."

He sits by her side and starts planning his stay in the hospital. First thing, a meal. He isn't really hungry but the damn Doctor will find out if he doesn't eat. The promise of a generous tip makes the bistro next door happy to deliver his meal directly to Ruth's room. Waiting for the delivery, he picks up his phone and calls his daughter.

"Hi Catherine, it's Dad."

"About time Dad, I was worried. How is she? How are you?" She had been waiting for hours, imagining the best and the worst case scenarios. Graham had been calling her every half hour wanting to know if she'd heard anything.

"I know honey. I'm so sorry. There was just so much to think of, to do… and I was too tired to even think of what needed to be done and in what order. I'm sorry for letting you worry. It won't happen again… I'm just not used to having someone who cares about what's happening to me… that worries about me. It's… sorry sweetheart." Harry decides to move the conversation along.

"I just woke up. Can you believe and I slept for 7 hours? In day time? Doctor's order. If I don't behave, he's kicking me out. So I did as I was told."

Catherine had worried about her Dad but the fact that he thought of calling her right after waking up made her immensely happy.

"Wow. I'll have to exchange notes with that Doctor." She laughs.

"You don't need to, Sweetheart, you know you've got me wrapped around your finger."

"No I don't" she says giggling.

"Yes you do, but then I might have forgotten to share that information with you." Harry always kept his cards very close to his chest… that was going to have to change if he wanted her in his life.

 _That also applies to Graham and Ruth. I have to stop bottling everything with them and I will if that's the price to having a relationship with them._

He brought himself back to his phone conversation.

"Listen honey, could you do me a huge favour. Could you go to Thames house and get the key to my place. I'll call them to make sure they give it to you." Harry wasn't even sure HR knew he had a daughter, that would be a surprise to them. No one had ever used his key. "I need a few things… clothes to start with. You know, couple of pair of jeans, shirts, underwear… a robe... Oh, I also need my shaving kit if you don't mind. Whatever else you think I might need."

"So you're moving in." She teased him.

"I'm not leaving her, not for a minute." He replies his eyes on Ruth.

His daughter gentle voice brings him back from his gazing on the beautiful face in front of him.

"How is she?"

"I don't know the doctor refused to talk to me until I slept and ate. Now it's too late in the day, he's probably gone home. She's still in a coma. She hasn't moved or showed signs of waking up but her pulse is steady and she breathes on her own a little more every day."

"That's good Dad."

"She's alive, Catherine, for me right now, that's all I need." He says sighing.

"Dad, I'm so glad. Anything you need, I'm here for you. Anything at all, you just ask." Harry can hear the seriousness in her voice but her tone comes back to gentleness as she speaks again. "I'll let you go to her now. We'll talk a little when I visit tomorrow."

"Actually honey, if you wouldn't mind, could you bring breakfast. We'll have it together and chat a little. Let's say 8:00. Victoria Hospital. Room 306. Do you have it?"

"Yes Dad. See you in the morning. Love you Dad. Bye!" The words are still new to them but they give her voice a cheerful note and his definite tenderness. "Love you too Catherine. Can't wait to see you tomorrow."

Second on the list is Malcom. When the call is picked up, Harry announces without preamble.

"Malcom, Ruth's alive." He's not in the mind of pussy footing around issues or news. Way too many things to do and to plan and very few hours before he has to go back to bed for the mandatory night of sleep.

Malcom is certainly not a happy camper and his answer shows it. Harry can hear grumpiness from his oldest friends.

"You son of a gun Harry Pearce. I've been waiting for hours to hear from you. Dimitri told me about Ruth being alive. I waited and waited and…"

"Malcom, please. If it's any consolation, you're the second person I've called since getting the news. I only called Catherine before I called you."

Malcom is mollified right away. "Oh… Thanks Harry. How is she?"

"Nothing much to say. She's taken a few breathes of her own but that's about it."

To Malcom he sounded a little defeated and then as if remembering something Harry's voice lifted. "But she's alive and I'm by her side. I wouldn't want to be anywhere else. She's alive Malcom."

"This is a miracle Harry." Malcom's faith had always been strong but even he had not expected this outcome.

"Nothing short of one. Listen, Malcom I need your help." Harry's not one to ask for help so he does in a confiding tone.

"Anything Harry! Anything." Ruth and Harry were very dear to him, the only real friends he has.

"Would you mind keeping Scarlet until I return home. The poor thing hasn't had much attention in the last week; she needs someone to take care of her. I left food for three or four days I think, but she must be dying to go out. Ruth was supposed to take her when the CIA picked me up but she was…."

Malcom knew how hard it was for Harry to refer to Ruth being stabbed so he interrupted his friend.

"Of course I will. Mother loves her, she'll be happy to have the company." Scarlett had been a visitor from time to time.

Malcom hears Harry clear his voice before he speaks again, this time he seems a little hesitant. "Malcom… euh… I know it's really beneath your ability but could you get me every single sources of food that will deliver to the Victoria Hospital and send the list to my phone."

Harry hears guffaws coming from the phone. Malcom knows Harry too well to let the statement slide.

"The great Harry Pearce asking for help with something not work related. I'll be damned. Who's pressuring you into having three square meals a day?"

Harry blushes, happy that his old friend can't see him. "One of the bloody Doctor, full of himself if you ask me. Maybe you could, you know find some dirt, just to see if I can have some leverage."

Malcolm is quick to reply, his tone harsh and deadly serious. "Oh no! you don't Harry Pearce. First you're not my boss anymore, I retired remember.

"I know but you still…"

Malcom doesn't let him end the sentence, his anger showing in his voice. "I will not do it and you will not ask Callum to do it either. For once, you will take care of yourself and you will do as you're told."

"But Malcom…" Harry tries…

"No Harry. No buts, ifs or maybes. I'll scramble your life into such a mess that you'll be dealing with bureaucrats for the rest of your life trying to undo it all. How would you like to have to resubmit your income tax declaration for the last… I'm thinking 10 years. Ooops, they just disappear for some unexplainable reason."

"You wouldn't!" Harry is shocked at Malcom's suggestion, even more so by the illegality of such act. Malcom would never…

"Don't test me Harry… I would… For her… for you… I would." Malcolm's voice is harsh but then changes to a softer tone. "Ruth is going to need you. You will have to be strong for her."

The mention of his beloved name placates him. "Ok. No vetting the Doctor. I'll do as I'm told. Thank you Malcom."

Next was Graham. Harry asks him if he would mind taking Scarlett to Malcom that same night. He knew Malcom was his favourite of all his colleagues, at least the few Graham had met.

He then calls Thames House to make sure they would give Catherine the key to his house. His final call is to the Grid, giving the team the latest news on Ruth's condition and telling them he'd be staying with her. They were to contact him only under the most dire and imperative emergency and even in the case of such an event, he makes it clear he has no intention to leave her side.

"Don't worry Harry, we'll take good care of the place for you." Erin's voice is sweet and soft. "Take care of her. Right now, she needs you more than us or the country.

"I'll give you an update tomorrow. Give my best to the team, Erin."

"Good Harry. Take care of yourself." Erin hangs up, her face showing her concerns for an instant. Going back into section chief mode, she starts asking for situation updates.

After a balanced dinner and a decent cup of tea, Harry feels much better. He is now sitting by the bed, looking at Ruth, watching the breath coming in and out of her body. Every single one is a miracle to him, every one deserving of his full attention. Without realising it, he starts to talk, his lips moving on their own, words coming out of his mouth. At first, he talks about nothing and everything, then about his day. It doesn't take long before he expresses his love for her. It feels so good to tell her how much he loves her.

Around 10 o'clock, Harry quickly washes and gets down to his boxer and undershirt again, moves to her and kisses her forehead.

"Good night my love. I'm going to bed now. Meet me in my dreams, will you? I'll see you in the morning. I love you."

He kisses the tip of her nose, his lips moving to her cheeks to finish on her lips for a long gentle kiss. He then moves the cot closer to her bed, slipping under the blankets; he lies on his side and put his hand up on her arm. Feeling her soft skin under his palm, he closes his eyes and just falls in a dream filled sleep, the nightmares at bay for his mind is filled with her image.


	6. The meaning of secrets - chapter 6

**My relationship with one of my sister changed when I got the diagnosis that I was having a heart attack and needed open heart surgery. It didn't really change what we were but we opened up with one another and settle the past. Nothing major or life altering, we just got closer and more open. I thought I would use this with Harry and his children. Empathy can be a huge part in healing relationships.**

 **Knowing doesn't erase the past but understanding makes forgiveness possible.**

 **Chapter 6**

Graham was only too happy to help his father. Malcom only lived an hour from London. After a day being cooped inside, the drive would do him good. It would give him time to reflect on how his life had changed two days ago when his father had cried in his arms.

He was actually quite glad to meet with Malcom who, without a doubt, was the closest friend his father has. Even against MI-5 policy on decommission, it was obvious they were still in contact. Maybe Malcom would help him make sense of the last days and the years of estrangement gone by. Graham had turned his life around. After extensive talks with Catherine and regular session with a therapist, he knew his father wasn't solely responsible for their relationship or rather lack of thereof. He wanted to mend things with him, just hadn't known how to do it.

Malcom is all smiles when he opens the door to see Graham standing on his porch. He gives the young man a hug.

"Graham, I'm so glad to see you. Your father surprised me when he told me you'd be coming by." Malcom says giving a gentle slap to the younger man's shoulder.

"Hello Uncle Malcom. Surprise is as good a word as any. I would have gone for gobsmacked myself." Graham chuckles as he shakes the older man's hand.

"Hey! Enough of that. You use to call me Uncle when you were 6 or 7. Call me Malcom."

"I'm really glad to see you Malcom."

"Come in, please, come through." Closing the door behind Graham, Malcom bends over Scarlett rubbing her head. "Hello Scarlett. You're going to stay with me and mother for a little while."

He unties the lead and Scarlett starts reacquainting herself with her surroundings.

"Let's get a cup of tea." Malcom offers showing the way to the kitchen.

"I'd love to." Graham's answer is filled with nervousness.

The older man knows he's in for an interrogation. Graham's return in his father's life wasn't going to be easy but if father and son were willing, he'd try to help as much as he could. No doubts Graham has questions for him, several ones… all about his father.

"But before you inundate me with questions about your father, tell me about you, how you are, what you've been doing since last I saw you."

After a few hours, Graham is on his way back to London. His conversation with Malcom was enlightening, to say the least. So many things he hadn't known. After getting Graham's solemn word that their conversation was never to be repeated, not even to his father, Malcom opened up and told him how his father had always kept an eye on him, how much Harry had hoped for reconciliation, just didn't know how to go about it.

Graham was told about all his father had sacrifice for his country. He now had a new insight on Harry. How his father had been tortured and hurt for the good of others. How he had kept his distance partly because of his guilt and partly to protect his children. Graham knew his father's job was dangerous but hadn't really known how dangerous, how people close to him had been hurt just because they were close to Harry. He had not imagined the losses his father had suffered to his job.

Graham thought of himself as a strong man, but he wasn't sure he would have been as brave and as selfless about his own welfare and happiness. The amount of abnegation was absurd. That night, Graham learned the stories behind his father's numerous absences. Berlin, Northern Ireland, Bagdad, Moscow. Only locations to most but to his father they were traumatic events, lives saved and loss… friends and colleagues.

It didn't solve anything, didn't justify his father's actions, but it explained a lot… so much.

Graham understood now and felt, in his heart, he wanted to forgive his father. The most surprising to him was the pride he felt for the man and the path he had chosen for his life. To help others is a meaningful and a great purpose of life, but to risk one's life time after time without the recognition for one's actions. Not many people would do it without open gratitude.

Malcom had told him that it was easy to judge Harry, make assumptions of what he must have felt, but in the end, his father had to live with the consequences and the guilt of every decision he'd ever made.

Listening to Harry's closest friend, Graham felt guilt overwhelming him. A kid would be expected to keep a grudge but he was an adult and had to start acting like one with his father. In the end the simple truth was that he missed his father… or at least having a father figure in his life and in order to get one he had to be willing to turn a page and start fresh on their relationship. They had to settle the past and move on.

They also talked about Ruth. Malcom gave him another perspective on their relationship. He told Graham how in love Harry was and how complicated things were. He explained about the fears the couple had. The fear of gossips and judgement on Ruth's side and the fear of retaliation; the possibility that she could get hurt by someone trying to get to him being Harry's biggest fear. Ruth dying had just confirmed these fears. On both side there was also the fear of losing the ease in their professional relationship, of losing their friendship. They were both scared of losing the other.

10 years of unrequited love between them, of trying to guess what the other felt, thought or wanted. It complicated things to no end. How two seemingly intelligent people could get it so wrong was an impressive feat in itself.

"Never forget Graham. Your father has lived with guilt and sacrifice for so long, he doesn't know differently anymore. He believes he doesn't deserve to be happy and that everyone he loves eventually leaves him or dies. He knows and believes it like… it's a universal truth. Harry Pearce must pay for his sin and does not deserve to be happy that how his universe is set. He just can't accept happiness because he believes that life is going to snatch it from him. Why would he believe otherwise it's been that way all of his life? He's paralyzed when his heart is involved, so he hides and pulls away. He simply protects himself from being hurt again."

Malcom let out a long and deep sigh.

"These two, Graham, are the most professional, most competent, efficient and logical people I've ever met, but in their personal life they are utterly inept. Harry sees Ruth in a way she trying to live up to, but is not who she is. She is afraid she won't be enough for him, her inadequacies are haunting her. The whole relationship is an impossibly complicated situation."

When Graham arrived home later that night, his mind and his heart were made up. He wanted the healing that started two days before to go forward. He knew Harry wanted to change their relationship but it had to be both ways. He had to want it too. Would they be able to resolve the past? Could he forget the shame and the guilt of some of the things he told his dad, the harsh words of a teenager?

 _Oh, Dad, can we turn the page and start over again? I really want that._

With that thought, Graham got out of his car, locked the door and walked to his flat, unaware of the spring in his step.

* * *

Harry had been by Ruth's side for a week now. The Doctors tried not to let his hopes build. The outcome was far from clear to them. She might have suffered brain damage and might not wake up. This was the first of their concerns and they had many. If she did wake up, she might not be able to walk, talk, or do any of the things she used to do. She might have to relearn how to do everything. She might lose her memory, all of them or part of them.

In the end, they had admitted they didn't know what was going to happen because they couldn't explain how she was even alive.

Steven sitting outside Ruth's room was talking to Harry.

"You have to understand. She died. She literally died Harry. She shouldn't be alive but she is. We just can't explain how or why she is."

"Because you don't know her." Harry replied. "She's brilliant, strong, the most stubborn woman you've ever met and if she puts her mind to something, she'll do it. She must have put her mind to surviving." Harry smiled.

Steven gently slapped Harry's back before replying. "That's as good an explanation as there'll ever be."

Steven Walker and Harry Pearce; two strong individuals who against all odds were on friendly terms. They had developed an appreciation for one another. It had been a while since Harry had established any type of bond without the use of a surveillance van or a research team. The type of work and the hours they both kept didn't really make it easy to meet new people outside of their field of work. It seems Doctors had the same longs hours and very little time for relationship… of any type. At some point, Harry regretting his earlier petulance had wished to be on a first name basis with the Doctor and they had found a common ground in doing what was best for Ruth. They were indeed becoming friends.

Harry's voice brought him back to Ruth's condition. "I know I shouldn't keep my hopes up, but truthfully" he says turning his eyes to Steven. "She's alive and I don't care whether she walks or talks. If she wakes up, I'll be happy with whatever I get." The doctor saw sadness transform the spook's face. "I know she died Steven. It's my worst nightmare. I remember how I felt and her being alive is all I need."

The doctor turned to him and softly spoke. "You're obviously what she needs too and I believe that two very stubborn people can overcome almost anything together."

Harry whole face brightened instantly with the biggest of smiles before replying. "That we are and we will."

* * *

Three weeks have gone by and Ruth is no closer to waking up. For Harry however, the last three weeks have been the best of his life, a blessing.

Steven had been adamant about Harry's wellbeing. Seeing the results of the extensive tests Harry had submitted himself to, Steven had not known how the spook could even function. His cholesterol level, according to the doctor, rivalled the national debt of third world country; his blood pressure was ridiculously high, his heart rate was erratic at best and he was borderline anaemic. Years of stress, poor diet and very little exercise had turned him into a textbook case from a medical examinor point of view.

"Harry, you've got to change your lifestyle." The doctor knew what card to play to force the change onto Harry. This was not a negotiation so there was no holding back.

"Harry, when she awakes, she'll need you. How can you help her if you have a foot in the grave… so I've set an appointment with a nutritionist and you've got to start exercising. You have the lung capacity of a two packs smoker. You're so unfit; I'd be surprised you could get to this floor if the elevators were out of service."

Harry's face fell into a grim expression. He knew too well that he was a heart attack waiting to happen. This couldn't work, not with Ruth on the mend. The fact that Steven had said 'when' and not 'if' she woke up was not lost on him and made his mind for him.

"Tell me what to do and I'll do it."

So now, every day, the same boring routine… no excitements, no surprises… Heaven.

Every morning, Harry had a sensible, nutritionist approved breakfast, followed with at least an hour of cardio which consisted of running up and down the inside stairs of the building while the nurses were giving Ruth her bed bath. Afterwards, he'd shower, get dress and start on a regiment of exercises for Ruth, flexing and pushing on her legs and arms to make sure they didn't atrophied. The exercise would also keep her strength and her muscle mass. Unknown to him, the doctors had suggested it out of desperation of finding something for him to do and stop his incessant questioning. They thought it could only be good for Ruth and while he was busy Harry seemed happy.

Midday was lunch consisting of a small serving of protein with three types of vegetables and reasonable portion of carbs. During the afternoon he would read to her for a couple of hours. He had asked Malcom, on his way to visit Ruth, to bring some of her books. Something she would like. He had already read Persuasion and Iliad to her… and the one he had preferred so far was The Cursed Kings. Ruth had the original French version and even though he could fluently converse in it, the writing style was too elaborate for him as some of the words were from 11th century French. He had gone online and bought the translation and was reading it to her. It was really good; French Kings, English Queen, political strategy, conspiracy, treachery, betrayal, a few poisoning and assassinations. Reminded him of his job… with swords and no bomb. Ah... the good old days.

After reading, it was time for his favourite part of the day. He would just speak to her while rubbing lotion on her arms and legs and any part of her body decency allowed him to touch. Cheryl had told him her skin needed to be moisturized. Such soft exquisite skin needed his attention and dedication… daily. Harry had asked Catherine to pick up a few things for Ruth's. Lotion, shampoo, perfume, other things that would be familiar to her.

Catherine, knowing her father's relationship had never been an intimate one, hadn't asked how he knew Ruth's favourite personal products and he hadn't offered any explanation. He would have been a rather poor spook if he hadn't known. When she had come back from the stores with all the things on the list he had given her, there was an exchange of shy smiles. He was glad he asked, he loved the way Ruth smelled, always had.

Every day Harry talked. He would tell her what he did that day, what he'd be doing the day after. He told her he had visited the house she had picked for them. How perfect the house was, how he could see them living there. After finding out she was alive, he wanted to buy it for them, but by the time he inquired, the house had been sold.

"We'll find another one together, an even better house. I promise. As soon as you wake up my love."

Every afternoon without fault, he would tell her how he loved her, when he started to, when he had truly fallen in love with her and how he would always love her.

After supper, Harry would go for another bout of exercise, mostly push ups and pull ups to build muscle mass with limited equipment. A second shower and then he'd put some quiet music on, Satie, Debussy, soft and soothing music. He would just read, sitting in the arm chair by her bed, holding her hand in his. Between 10 and 11, he would go to sleep and start all over the following day.

Incongruously, Harry had never felt better. Physically, he was in the best shape he had been in years. In three weeks, he had gone from walking up a couple of floors to running the stairs up and down the entire height of the hospital two times in a row. He had lost almost two stones and had added quite a bit of muscle to his body. His midriff wasn't so thick and his new sized pants were already getting loose around the waist. A stable routine of balanced meals, three every day, and 8 or more hours of uninterrupted sleep every night, had done wonders for him. Even his hair, he thought, seemed brighter, thicker under his hand. That made him sneer every time it crossed his mind. The exercise wasn't to improve his appearance… not the sole reason for it. It provided him with something to do, something to pump his blood and get excited about the coming day.

Emotionally he felt new and improved. His children loved him; he was close to his beloved, centered on her wellbeing. Harry had never felt so in sync with himself. He was simply happy. That simple joy of doing simple things surrounded by people he loved. That was all he needed; the blissfulness of simplicity.

He truly felt great. Body and soul.

Graham and Catherine visited a couple of times a week, alternating days, sometimes together. They would share meals with him, talk about Ruth, life, their relationship. They had grown closer during these three weeks. There wasn't much to do apart from talking, so the past had come up. They had listened to one another, explanations from all parts of the strange triangle their relationship was. The bond they created slowly became more meaningful with opening their hearts and discussing their feelings. There was bickering and anger but not as much as they would have thought. Anger was their past and this was not the way to move on and it was neither the place nor the time for a shouting match. After a while the reminiscing of good memories started which had never happened before. It made their bond stronger which helped with the resentments. For now, it was a quiet, peaceful time between the Pearces.

Graham, despite his promise to Malcom, after making her swear never to tell a soul, told Catherine everything he had learned about their dad's life. Without thoughts or even awareness on their parts, Harry had gone from being their father to being their dad. That was not all that changed. Now they would talk and laugh together. Goodbyes were done with kisses and hugs… and always, always 'I love yous' from all sides. They had lost so many years, so many hugs. Never again.

Graham had been cleaned for 4 years now and had started his own business three years previously, in graphic and advertising designs. From what Harry had seen on his son's company website, he was pretty good at it. Harry had praised him several time and told him how proud he was. The relationship between him and his son had moved bounds and leaps. Their only real one on one conversation about the past was the day after Graham had driven Scarlet to Malcom. They had sat for dinner, in Ruth's room, and just had let the conversation flow.

"You know Dad. Starting over. You and I. I'd like that." Graham was hesitant and a bit embarrassed. "But before we turn the page, I'd like to ask you to forgive me for all I said and did. All of the fights and the yelling please forgive me." Harry could see in his son's eyes all the hopes the young man had.

"I did more than my share Graham. I'm the one asking for your forgiveness. I'd like to turn the page and start again… I'm asking you to give me a second chance." That had started the conversation, one that would be ongoing for years. They spoke of regrets and agreed to let go of the guilt from a hurtful past. It wasn't the panacea to all their problems, but it was a good start.

As Graham was leaving one night, Harry hugged him before saying. "You make me very happy son. I've wanted this for so long. I never wanted anything else so bad…" Looking at Ruth lying in bed, Harry felt a smile spreading his lips. "Except maybe for wanting Ruth to get better, I want that very much too."

Graham smiled looking at the wishful face of his father. "Really Dad! Hadn't notice." And the son had left the father, knowing he had put that little crooked smile on Harry's face.

Catherine was staying put in London for the time being. She was editing her last documentary. She had done the shooting in Israel and was picking the good from the not so good off the floor of her apartment. It would be more than a few months before she would want to go back on the road to film her next documentary, which made Harry breathe a little easier.

She would visit and help him, doing the feminine stuff. Nurses were handling Ruth's bed baths but they didn't have much time for the little touches. Catherine would wash Ruth's hair, brushing it until it shined, give her manicures and pedicures. Harry liked the fire engine red nail polish on Ruth's beautiful toes; he thought it looked sexy as hell. Catherine taught her father the art of massages. At first, he massaged her hands and feet and then graduated to legs, arms and shoulders. Harry applied his new skill every afternoon at lotion time.

All the while, father and daughter kept the communication lines open. They talked about sensitive topics, about work, about their lives.

Harry was in a bubble untouched by the real world. It was a moment in time only for him, his children and his Ruth. He was happy. Even though Ruth had not awaken, he was happy. She was safe; getting better every day, all he had to do was wait for their time... together.

He was full of hope and the absolute certainty that Ruth would wake up.


	7. The meaning of secrets - chapter 7

**This story is about what we didn't get from the serie, a love story between Harry and Ruth. I had to go along with the story line we were given and set it so that I could get to a place where the relationship between the two would be the main story. No huge drama, no terrorist attack, just a simple love story and how they will grow together. This is what my heart wanted all along. I don't care if it's mushy and sweet, I just wanted them together.**

 **The Mary Poppins reference is from when I first wrote this story and was for a friend that was feeling a bit down. It's silly and totally out of character but it made that friend feel good that day. I decided to keep it.**

 **Chapter 7**

 _Bugger! What's wrong with me. Come on Evershed, put yourself together. Open your eyes, move something, anything._

How could she do it? She needed to move, wake up… show she was here.

 _Arise, pick up your mat and walk. Bugger, Nothing!_ She heard herself giggle in her mind. _It worked in the Bible, it was worth a try._

Ruth had flashes of awareness for a quite sometimes now. They were very short and she didn't seem to be able to do anything but be aware. She remembered being stabbed and knew she's was in a hospital.

 _Come on. You can recite Homer in Greek but can't lift your eye lids. That's ridiculous. Come on._

Ruth felt so weak, so totally drained; just having a single thought was tiring but she wanted to wake up so bad… for Harry. She knew he was by her side.

She heard his voice before. Every time she'd wake up she heard his voice and on a few occasions, she felt his hands on her arms and legs. She knew his touch. Soft, caring, such a gentle touch.

" _My God, it's almost worth being stabbed. I so want his hands on my body… every single inches of it. Wow! How can I think of sex while I'm not even awake? Bloody hell!"_

She was also aware of something cool he rubbed on her. That was her favourite time. For some reason, she was awake more often for that time than any other.

 _Yeah… for some reason… Funny, funny girl... Naughty girl!_

Harry seemed happy. He talked to her, moved her legs and arms, read to her and all the time he seemed happy. His voice was cheerful and relaxed. She liked that side of Harry. That was Happy Harry to her.

She heard other voices too. She recognized their names. Catherine and Graham, his children's name. They often visited. The three of them talked a lot. She liked Harry's voice with them. It was different somehow. Not the voice he used with her, certainly not the voice from the Grid, just a different gentle voice.

The flashes were confusing. She had no notion of time, couldn't tell if it's night or day, but she heard the voices. This time, she heard Harry telling Catherine he had to leave but would be back shortly. So Ruth was left to Catherine's care. The young woman was rubbing lotion on her left arm while talking.

Ruth focused her energy on Catherine words and trying to stay awake as long as possible.

"Hi Ruth. Dad has stepped out for a few hours. So you're stuck with me. I'm Catherine, Harry's daughter."

 _You might be his daughter but you sure don't have your father's touch. Yours' nice, just not as nice as his._ Her inner self laughed at the thought.

Ruth heard Catherine take a deep breathe, as if gathering the courage to speak. "I'm glad we are alone because I need to talk to you without you knowing. I won't be able to do it once you wake up." Ruth notices the hesitation in Catherine's voice.

"Ruth, I don't know how to say this. It just sounds so horrible, so heartless, but here I go. Ruth, I'm so grateful that you died."

 _What the hell! You little creep!._ Ruth wanted to wake up just to slap the girl silly.

Catherine rushes into explaining herself even though she doesn't know someone is listening.

"It doesn't mean I'm not deliriously happy that you are alive now. But… you see… when Dad lost you, it brought us so much closer. He changed Ruth, you have no idea how much losing you changed him. Getting you back also changed him, even more. He's happy now… but it's like… he savours every instant of happiness he gets. Do you know that I don't remember the last time I've seen him happy."

Catherine stops for a moment and Ruth hears a joy and wonderment in Catherine's voice when she speaks again.

"His relationship with Graham is so wonderful to watch. I never thought I'd see the day. I owe it all to you, Ruth. I've never seen Dad or Graham behave like friends. I have a family now, a real normal family, with family meals and teasing and all the things I never thought I would get. I have the family I've always dreamed of because of your death. I can never thank you enough for this, Ruth. You've changed Dad's life and you've also changed mine and Graham's. "

Ruth felt Catherine moves to the other side of the bed and starts on her other arm.

"Dad has opened up like I never thought he could. We talk now, really talk. About everything… about things that matter, like his marriage to mum, how it affected us kids. The amazing thing is there's no hiding on his part, no temper, more importantly no shouting and Graham is following suit. We just talk about our feelings and stepping up to the challenge of clearing the past. The difference a few weeks make. I wouldn't believe it if I wasn't living it. There's still a lot to deal with but we're getting good at it… and the rewards are… I can't find the words to tell you. I'm part of a family now."

Ruth was so happy to hear the progress they made. Harry never admitted it but he needed his children.

"We also talk about stupid little thing. Could you believe he thinks I look good in light green, my Dad the fashion police? He's even suggesting where I should have my car serviced. I never got that type of little things from him. It was always so… about secrets, lies and life threatening events. Talking was always so difficult with us, like walking on egg shells. Now I can't shut him up."

Catherine chuckles then her voice becomes soft with a hint of despair.

"Ruth. Wake up soon. Please wake up. I want to meet you. I can never thank you properly because I could never tell you that your death was a God sent."

Catherine lowers her tone to a whisper, like she couldn't make herself say the words… like something she didn't want to admit.

"The day we found out you were alive. Dad asked me to get some clothes from his home, so I went that same night. I got upstairs to get his shaving kit and the mirror in the washroom was smashed, pieces scattered around the sink and on the floor. Then I went to his room, his gun was on his bed. He never leaves his gun out, Ruth. Never. The house was desolate, like his loss was still in the air, a thick and oppressing weight. I went down to the kitchen; a cup and a saucer were set on the table, just one, unused, the only thing on the table. I cried Ruth, cried for his loneliness, for what could have happened had you not come back to him. I mentioned the mirror to him, which in itself is rather remarkable that I could even broach the subject with him. He told me he remembers breaking it but he didn't mention the gun, didn't ask if I saw it or if put it away. I don't think he remembers taking it out."

Still in the moment, Catherine couldn't talk for a few minutes.

"That night, Ruth, I opened the windows to let the fresh air in, I put away his gun, I went out and bought flowers, lots of flowers and a new mirror. I didn't want his house to be a mourning house anymore. Then I cried again. I cried because you were alive."

Ruth feels lips on her cheek, gently kissing it.

"Thank you, Ruth. I owe a great debt of gratitude I'll never be able to repay."

The sadness and the thought of what Harry might have done, had she not survived, were just so hard for Ruth, they exhausted her and she fell asleep quickly.

Catherine didn't notice the single tear that came down on the side of Ruth's face. No one notice later as the tear had dried. Ruth knew… she knew more than ever she had to fight to come back, fight for Harry, he needed her.

* * *

Over the weeks, other people came; Malcom, Tariq, Calum… all the others from the Grid came to visit her and to see how Harry was doing. They really cared about him. It felt good to hear them. Her moments of awareness were getting a little longer as time passed. Strangers were also coming. She knew their names; Steven and Cheryl were the most frequent visitors. She didn't know who they were. Steven had a nice laugh and Cheryl wore a really nice perfume.

But her favourite flashes were of him and his voice. Somehow between a whisper and a wish, he would tell her how much he loved her, the life they would build together, how happy they were going to be.

Her most memorable flash so far had been waking up in his arms. Nothing had ever felt this good to her. He was laying in her bed, on his side, holding her close to him, her back against his chest. Her head tucked under his chin, his hand roaming on her arm, from wrist to shoulder and back down. She could hear him whisper in her ear how he wanted her to wake up so he could kiss her and she could return his kiss.

She didn't know how or if it was even possible, but Ruth felt a surge of desire as his hand touch her stomach. Her belly ached under his touch, spreading through her body, she wanted him so much and it was such a rush. Images of them embracing were whirling in her head. She felt overwhelmed, enfolded in a bubble of warmth, her skin overly sensitized as his arm circled her at the waist, his hand resting on her stomach playing havoc with her body. Her heart was racing, beating a…

Suddenly the door opened with a bang and someone came in running to stop dead at the end of the bed.

"Harry Pearce! Don't… don't ever do that again!" Said the voice Ruth recognised as being Cheryl's.

 _Oh! Come on woman, don't be such a duffer. A little privacy would be nice. Is there a place on this planet where we could be left alone? Christ, I can't move, I can't open my eyes, I can't talk. Let me at least enjoy this. Bugger the hell out!_ Ruth wanted to scream like she never wanted anything in her life _._

Arms still folded around her, Harry didn't move, obviously very comfortable and very relaxed, he simply asked. "What Cheryl, what did I do?"

"The terminal went crazy because of a spike in her heart rate, I thought she was coding, but it seems she's just enjoying what you're doing. For God sakes Harry, you're going to give me grey hairs."

With an impish smile Harry answered. "Sorry Cheryl. I didn't know this would happen. I just needed to hold her."

She felt Harry moved a little deeper into her body. Suddenly, she felt herself fall against the bed while Harry's body jumped, sitting straight up.

"Enjoying what I'm doing? That means she's aware. Does it? She feels me and that's a good sign?" Ruth had never heard his voice so full of amazement.

"Yes, Harry. That's what it means and yes Harry it's a good sign."

He lay down again, taking Ruth back into his arms, kissing her hair, her temple, her cheek. "You feel my hand love, you feel me. Oh! Ruth. You are brilliant, my love."

She heard Cheryl's voice teasingly say. "Very well then. No more of this or you'll be the death of me." Cheryl walked across the room before adding. "She's in a coma and yet her heart rate's spiking. You must really be something else, Harry." Ruth imagined a cheeky smile on the woman's face.

Ruth felt Harry's chest moving against her back as he laughed and Ruth fell asleep cursing the woman she guessed to be her nurse.

Flashes after flashes, she experienced more of Happy Harry. She noticed every one of his kisses, his touches and his words but this was still her very favourite flash.

 _When I wake up, I'm going to lock that door and let him have his way with me._

* * *

The next time Ruth wakes up, the room is quiet except for Harry's soft snore. She has more moment of awareness every day and she knows she's getting better and stronger. She has to get stronger for him. She believes him more fragile than he lets people know. Actually, he would howl with laughter if she was to tell him that… the great Harry Pearce… fragile. Still, she believes he is. He's so estranged from himself, from his heart, she is afraid it might destroy him. Catherine telling her about the gun, the unspoken meaning of it had terrified her.

She also recognises that even though Harry can speak to her, he only can without her knowledge, alone in a room with no witness. That Harry can do. However, she also knows, feels it in her bone, he would never make the first step towards a relationship with her. He's too afraid, of losing her, of giving his heart and having it broken. She has to be the one to move them forward.

 _The notion he has of me is such a load of bullocks. I can't be Jane sodding Eyre. You're in for a hell of a surprise Harry. You're getting the real but new and improved Ruth. I've… we've wasted too much time. I'm not going to let you hide again or put me on an unreachable pedestal. I'm tired of that crap. I'm Ruth, I'm woman and I'll bloody well roar if I want to._

Things were going to change.

 _No more secrets, no more hiding… for either of us. I made a deal with God and I always keep my word._

All she had to do is get better and have a go at Happy Harry.

 _I want to move my fingers. Ok, let's try. Brain… are you listening to me? It's me, Ruth, the one in charge here. Now, tell my hand to tell my thumb it has to move. Do it! Tell my hand to tell my thumb to move. Damn, it's not moving. Again brain_. It wasn't working but she kept on going. It would happened, she was sure of it.

 _Tell my hand…._

Ruth kept trying every time she'd wake up. She had every incentive to wake up. Her biggest one was her roommate Harry. She had to keep on trying to move her thumb.

At one point, she woke up to the sound of his voice. Harry was in fine babbling shape while rubbing her legs.

 _Let's try again._

"and then Graham made his move and check mate me. I was stunned… "

 _Oh! Harry, shut up would you. I'm trying here. Your voice and your hands… too many distractions. Brain, don't listen to him… tell my hand to tell…_

After a while her thumb moves but Harry didn't notice. She tries a second time but exhausted she fell asleep while Harry not knowing any better, kept on chatting and rubbing.

Over time, she kept on moving her thumb and it became easier so she started working on her other fingers with some success but without much acknowledgement from Harry as when she did he was either doing something that he was too focused on or he wasn't in the room.

It's evening because she can feel Harry's hand holding hers. She has figured out his routine. Fresh smelling Harry, mornings. Pushing and pulling her legs and arms, also morning because it was before the smell of food. Afternoon, reading, before the second smell of food. Evenings, hand holding, like now, his finger's tapping against her hand. He's been tapping for years. Right now the tapping said H… A… R… R… Y… L… O… V… E… S… R… U… T… H… She couldn't believe how sweet he was.

 _How I love this man. Endearing, charming and totally adorable. I love you too Harry, Now's the perfect timing. It's quiet_ _and he's not busy. Let's get this show on the road. Brain, tell my hand to tell my thumb…_

She hears him shout. "OH MY GOD!" Keeping her hand in his Harry starts talking "Ruth, my love, do it again. Move your thumb, Ruth. Just a little. Just to show me…"

 _Yes Harry, I'll do it again, hold on._ She tries with every ounces of energy in her. _Tell my bloody hands to tell my bloody thumb… Come on brain, again._ She starts feeling so tired. She knows she's going to fall asleep again soon.

Suddenly, Harry drops her hand and steps away from her, shouting and running across the room.

"Nurse, Nurse… Come quick."

Ruth feels elated and knackered. She is asleep in seconds.

When Harry comes back into the room, he finds the doctor on call at night, Doctor Singh examining the results on the terminals. Harry is on edge and nervously pacing the floor. He knows the young doctor and expects him to tell it to him straight, even if it means breaking the hope Harry feels. After a few minutes, Singh starts commenting on the results.

"Her heart rate is normal and regular. She's been breathing without assistance for a the last two days and her lungs are doing well. We've seen some increase in brain activities in the last week and the increase is constant. From what we've seen she has moment of awareness but tonight is significant; she actually moved her finger. This is nothing short of a miracle, Harry. Can't tell when she will but I'd say with a degree of certainty that she is going to wake up. If I was a betting man, I'd say soon."

Harry feels like jumping up and down, his body taken over with relief and the joy. He starts shaking like a leaf, from head to toe. To the doctor's eye, it looks like he's in shock, a shock of happiness.

Grabbing his arms gently, he takes Harry to sit down. "It's ok Harry. Deep breaths. In and out slowly. Again, Harry. It's going to be all right." Harry's eyes are enormous and his impersonation of a fish is pretty good.

"Doctor… that's… a… it's… supercalifragilisticexpialidocious."

Doctor Singh expected something… just not that! He roars laughing holding his side. When he finally finds his voice again he looks at Harry.

"Didn't take you for a Mary Poppins fan Harry."

"Obviously you don't have kids. Mine sang the stupid song for weeks. Blimey, I didn't know I remembered the word. Now Doctor, this is between you and me, it's not coming out of here. Am I clear?"

Another bout of laughter rings in the room. "Harry, Steven has already told me about blackmailing you; I'll make sure he knows about the latest ammunition. He's going to just love it; he'll squeal like a girl."

Without another word, the Doctor left the room laughing his heart out. Not giving a care about what Steven found hilarious or not, Harry goes back to Ruth and lies down in bed beside her. He hugs her against his chest; starting with the top of her head he kisses every patch of skin on her face.

"My God Ruth. You're going to wake up. We're going to be together. You're going to wake up, my Love. What a glorious day."

Slowly he calms down. His hold on her loosens a little, his breath and heart rate matching hers. He thought he'd be too wired to fall asleep but before he knows it, he's asleep, his head filled with images of him and Ruth on carousel, horses galloping through a colourful country side.

In the morning, when the nurse comes in, she sees them both spooned in bed. Their body perfectly aligned from their head to their feet. Harry has a smile on his face. Careful not to wake him up, she turns around and closes the door behind her.

A few days later, Harry is waiting for a doctor, any doctor really. He just wants to know how things are going. He is pushing her legs up bending her knee almost to her chest, taking it down and again with the other leg, up and down.

"You know, I've done of lot of things totally out of character lately." He chortles a little as he remembers. "When I found out you were alive, I couldn't wipe the grin off my face."

Laying her leg back on the bed, he pulls the blanket back to cover her legs.

"Then, I called everyone I know, Catherine, Graham, Malcom, the whole team, I even called Mike. I had to tell them all that you moved your thumb. I have to say, Alec wasn't so impress, he just growled and hung up on me.

Harry moves onto her side, lifting and bending her arm.

"Yet the worse… and by the way, this is never leaving this room, is when Doctor Singh told me you were going to wake up, I just blurted it's supercalifragilisticexpialidocious. I mean… you better wake up soon, honey or my reputation will be in shambles by the time you get out of this bed." He sniggers to himself. "Where the word came from I haven't the faintest clue. It's just embarrassing. I didn't even know I still knew the word and now it seems I can't stop saying it.

"Bugger… Mary…. Pop… pins" Ruth mutters.

She had moved all of her fingers the night before and had even made a fist. It was now time for words, she had desperately wanted words.

"RUTH! You speak. OH MY GOD! You can speak. That's the most amazing thing… ever… Ruth, hold on I'll be right back." She hears him run across the room.

"CHERYL. GET STEVEN NOW!."

Minutes later the Doctor comes in, to a frantic Harry. Seeing him, Harry moves and grabs him by the lapel of his coat with the biggest smile ever.

"She spoke Steven"

"She did… did she really? Not just mumbles, but words." The doctor eyes are on Ruth now.

"She was out of it by the time I came back from the door, you missed it. But she did talk, as in words talk" Harry looks on top of the world.

"What did she say?" Harry looks as proud as if Ruth had just recited the Magna Carta, "She said: Bugger Mary Poppins"

Steven's laugh is heard along the corridor more than a few doors down.


	8. The meaning of secrets - chapter 8

**Going through a life threatening experience has changed my perception of what my life should have been or should be. Things that were somewhat benign become important and vice versa. The fact that I still could drop dead makes me want to do things I didn't have the balls to do. Yes almost dying made me grow some balls. For a women that's quite a look... it's also very liberating.**

 **Please review... I live for reviews, I'm a review addict...**

 **Chapter 8**

It has been weeks since Ruth had said her first words. Mentally, there are little side-effects from the coma. Difficult and hesitant at first, her speech is almost back to normal, her memory is intact. Physically, it is an entirely different story. She can move her arms and hands, if flailing aimlessly like an infant can be called moving. She has very little to no control of them. She doesn't even have the strength to grab a glass or a cup and to top it all she needed to be spoon fed. It was utterly humiliating. Her legs are actually much worse… totally, utterly useless. What little movement she could make is gruelling and exhausting. Ruth is frustrated. She hates feeling so weak and dependant on others.

At first, she could only be awake for a few minutes but now she could stay awake for up to an hour a few times a day. The biggest change however is that, as Ruth showed up, Happy Harry left the building and things were again complicated.

Silly about how people die, but old habits won't.

Faithful to the dance they had been doing for years, Harry now exercised twice a day, stopped rubbing her skin, had left her exercise regimen to the physiotherapist and handed her the books he had brought in… to read… to herself… on her own… He hardly talks to her anymore and goes to bed every night, without a word or a kiss. The nerve of the man…

Signs of stress were back on Harry's face, utter frustration on Ruth's and Steven didn't know what to do with them. Catherine and Graham noticing the changes shared their concerns. They were seeing signs of the old, closed unhappy Harry. What if their new and still fragile relationship vanishes? What if the weeks of being a family were just an interlude? Catherine was sad and Graham angry, both afraid of losing what they have gained and enjoyed.

Harry isn't aware of his children worry or Ruth's frustration. Harry is back in his little personal pit of disquiet and apprehension. Yet to make the elephant in the room grow brothers, sisters and a whole tribe of relatives, the mask was partly back on Harry's face and Ruth was at best fretful, at worse downright panicked whenever she saw it. She wanted to talk to him but didn't know how to start. So she went back to her old routine of waiting for him to breach the subject… make the first move.

That very day however, Ruth was extremely frustrated, incredibly angry and absolutely exasperated with herself and with Harry. Going through all that she needed to do for her recovery, she was trapped with the idiot man and by now there was only one outlet for her displeasure. Shooting target and Harry was it. She thought the dance had lasted long enough.

That afternoon, she reached her limit… the final straw, the whole camel and its back. Not only had he not help her with the gruelling exercise regimen but Harry had hardly said a word to her all day. Pretending to be tired and in need of a snooze, he had laid down on his side, his back to her and he hadn't made a single move for three hours.

Ruth was not a violent person but for the life of her she couldn't understand the behaviour he has gone out of his way not to explain. She didn't feel a little angry… by now she felt nuclear!

 _He'd rather fake sleep than talk to me. The sodding man, I'd kill him with my bare hands if I could move._

She is seriously ready to twist his head around and pop it off just to see if she'd get a reaction from him. She's tired, tense, sad and extremely unhappy. She wants to talk to him but Sir Harry is having a siesta.

 _I'll give you something to sleep about Harry. What if I hit you over the head with the IV pole…? Would that help you sleep?_

Strategizing, she decided to wait until after dinner, when there would be little interruptions. She would quietly talk to him, calm, compose, using all the patience she could muster. Practicing her speech in her head, she slowly falls asleep.

She wakes up a few hours later with the sounds of dinner being delivered from Harry's favourite restaurant. He didn't believe hospital food was good enough for her. So tonight was Mexican night. They eat their meal in uncomfortable silence. The atmosphere is heavy and electrical. Ruth feels the fire of anger rekindling in the pit of her stomach. All her good intentions, her speech, her logical arguments… all are out the window. Harry is positively unyielding in his intent not to interact with her in any way. He is lost in his thoughts whilst she's adrift in aggravation.

After clearing the meal, Harry moves the chair from the corner to sit facing Ruth. She straightens herself a little. Hallelujah, the man seems to want to talk. Finally.

"Ruth… I want to tell you." Harry stuttering; this is new. "I think… that is, I believe… I really considered…"

"What Harry, WHAT!" She's never been this frustrated. "You consider, think and believe… You need a thesaurus Harry? Let me help. You suppose, deem, judge, imagine, ponder, contemplate, deliberate, ruminate and cogitate."

Harry reasonably ignores the outburst, being faithful to the character he'd been playing since she woke up.

"Ruth, I think it's better if I leave. You don't need me as much anymore and you…"

As soon as his first words are out, Ruth turns livid. Her ears are ringing so loud that she can't hear another thought of him leaving and the panic she feels only fuels her anger. He couldn't leave or the whole situation would never resolve itself. They would simply be back to being alone and sad, ensconce behind the walls of their own creation and completely separated emotionally. She has met Happy Harry, she wants him back… now.

 _Fuck you Harry Pearce! How dare you… You sodding idiot… you complete moron… you thick, dim-witted man… you tosser… you bloody wanker… you…_

"You arse. That's what you are Harry Pearce, an arse hole."

Harry stops mid-sentence, utter shock evident on his face. "Sorry… what did you just say?" with a disconcerted look on.

"Oh! Did that come out?" Ruth says with an innocent look… just as fake as his disposition has been for weeks now.

"Yes it did, Ruth." Harry is still quiet and distant; the mask is in place and not moving.

"Good then."

 _He wants to leave me… alone, without him, without Happy Harry._ The thought takes Ruth to the boiling point, volcano erupting kind of boiling and it feels so much better than the dread his words created.

"Calling me an arse hole is good Ruth?" Harry has that sweet fake tone akin to 'let's appease the child'.

"Actually my thought was a complete moron, a dim-witted bloody wanker…" Ruth says with a sarcastic smile on her face.

"Thank you Ruth, I get the picture." She hears a bit of frustration rising in his voice and his face is set into a grim expression.

 _Good, let's tickle the big cat_. In her mind, she's smiling and slapping him in the back of the head.

"And why would you, all of a sudden, question my mental abilities." Again with the sweet tone. The man is certainly infuriating and completely clueless.

"Oh! Believe me Harry, there's nothing sudden about it. I've been thinking it for years." She's giving him her best smile, ready to read him his right, Geneva Convention style. A knock at the door keeps her from pursuing further.

 _Bugger! Can't even talk in the privacy of my own room. What's next, Tariq? Calum? The change of the bloody guard? Hum… I'm very sweary tonight… Is sweary even a word. Focus Ruth. Focus._

A nurse comes in asking in a chirpy tone, way too happy in Ruth's book. "Is everything all right here? Do you need anything, Miss?"

Ruth gave her an icy glare with just enough anger to make the woman run the other way.

"No! Get the hell out… right now… and pass the word around; the next person to come in will be shot on sight." Ruth says in a scorching tone, her eyes returning to Harry's.

 _I'm not a violent person but enough is enough. 10 years I've been trying to have this conversation with the man._

The nurse turns around a smirk showing on her face and leaves the room without a word. Everyone noticed the tension between them; it was about time someone did something about it. With the tone of Ruth's answer, she knew things would come to change that night.

She chuckled a little thinking. _Harry might need a doctor afterwards. Good thing, there's plenty of those around._

To say Harry is surprised by Ruth's reaction was a euphemism of biblical proportion. "Ruth, what's wrong with you… that hardly represents a proper…"

Ruth doesn't let him finish. "What's wrong with me? Did you just ask me what's wrong with me?"

Harry is starting to have the uneasy feeling that he might not be able to sooth her enough for him to talk to her about his leaving.

"Well, news flash, Harry! I don't always behave properly. Not when I'm this pissed off." She's glaring at him with a look that would terrify most man.

"Ruth calm down. It does you no good to get excited. You need to relax…" His voice is gentle and his face is wearing the mask, the full fledge mask, the one that makes him unreadable.

When he sees her frown deepening, Harry knows he's not getting out of it easily.

"Harry Pearce. If I hear another patronizing word from you, I'm going to slap you so hard; your grandchildren's children will be born dizzy. I've had enough of your fake smile and your fake attitude. This ends NOW!"

Harry ignores her upsurge and the black cloud surrounding her and does what he does best and placates her. "Don't get all flustered Ruth. It's not good for you." He admonishes her.

Ruth just explodes. She can't move her arm to properly wave and point a finger at him and that only fuels the fire. "Get out. I want you out this very minute. You're driving me mad Harry Pearce. ARGH! I wish I could do bodily harm to you right now. Get the hell out."

Finally, the light goes on, her words reach Harry. "Ruth, don't be like that. You don't mean it."

"I'll be anyway I bloody want. It's not has if you care. Oh… I know. You make sure I have everything I need, cared by only the best professionals… but it's you I want, not the blooming physiotherapist. I want your hands on me, not his. I want the lotion rubbing and the leg stretching… more than anything I want you to talk to me the way you used to."

Harry's eyes widen making his eyebrows go where no eyebrows has gone before and Ruth is far from finished.

"I've looked at you hide and fake being happy and by the way, here's another new flash Harry, you're not very good at faking. How you became a good spook is beyond me right now. I'm feed up to the teeth of hearing your voice… this… this… poor imitation of the voice I love so much. NO MORE! I'm not going to stand for it anymore. Aux grand maux, les grands remèdes. (Tr : desperate times call for desperate measures.)

Harry can't speak, he's shocked… totally, utterly shocked. Ruth is mad…

 _She's so beautiful,_ he admits to himself. _Anger suits her, I've never notice how fetching she is when she's angry… Sexy and…_

Her squawking voice snaps him out of his inappropriate, under the present circumstances, musing.

"Right now, right this instant. We will talk. As in communicate… exchange of words… as in not keeping the lid on the blasted proverbial can. If you don't, I'll have you kicked out of my room for good. We will settle or move on from this. For the life of me, something is going to happen. Tonight!"

She sees dejection in his eyes and his shoulders lowering in defeat. He's hurt and it breaks her. She feels her heart flutter and deep down she wish she could let him be. Her will is rekindled by single persistent thought. Harry is not happy and she wants nothing more than for him to be. She needs to calm down or they will never get anything solved.

Spotting the kettle on the desk, she asks him. "Harry, would you mind making us a cup of tea. Please." Her voice several octaves down from the shrieking one she was using seconds before. She mentally counts back from 20 to calm herself down.

"Of course." Harry is only too happy to get away from her wrath… which he's surprised to find very enticing.

 _She's stunning… How would she look in the throes of passion? Stop it you idiot. This is neither the place nor the time. Her anger is the only throe of passion you're getting right now._

She seizes the moment to relax and get herself together.

 _I have to change my approach. This is not going to work. Not in a hundred years. Facing Harry with anger is only going to push him away._

By the time Harry sets a cup in front of her, Ruth is little more composed. Picking up her cup with both hands, she takes a sip and sets it down carefully...

"Harry… when… you know… when Sasha… and I made a pact… with God… I'd…

Harry couldn't figure out where she was going so he moved his chair closer to her bed and took her hand in his.

"What is it, Ruth. What are you trying to tell me?" His eyes are full of the love his lips couldn't express.

Ruth takes a deep breath and starts talking slowly. "As I was dying Harry, I made a deal with God. If I was to live, I'd talk to you… I'd stop hiding from you. I swore to myself that I would stop wasting time, take my second chance and run with it. You know carpe diem and all. It would amaze you how dying makes one changed their outlook on life."

She took a sip of her tea and kept on. "So I would like for us to talk about us. I need to tell you what you mean to me. I need to give us a chance."

The surprise on his face and his silence told her she had to go on… maybe from another direction.

"Harry, how long have you known me?"

"Give or take… 10 years." He knows not where she is going with this. Deal with God he could get but this… he hadn't a single clue.

"and how long have you been attracted to me…"

She brushes the hair from her face with the back of her hand. He knows it to be a sign that she is nervous. She was chartering uncertain territories. Like her he had promised himself he would talk to her if she survived. Now was his chance and she was open to it. Straightening his shoulders he pushes the words out.

"Wanting to talk to you... be around you… from the first day we met. Wanting you… about 9 years." There was freedom in saying these words. His secret wasn't his anymore, it was theirs. The intimacy of sharing something so personal was exhilarating.

Ruth's eyes linger on his face. She loves the small smile that is spreading his lips. It's almost juvenile as if he didn't have a care in the world.

Words needed to be said; she had to keep on going with the conversation. "Harry, what kind of person has a post doctorate education, raises through the ranks, hits people with branches, shoots to kill, survives kidnapping…" She talks to him like he really is dim witted.

Harry sat straighter a little insulted by her tone and weary of not knowing where this is going. "I'd say very intelligent, resourceful, confident, brave and daring."

"and what kind of a person goes through army life, then becomes an agent of her Majesty's secret services goes through the ranks, dealing with life and death situation, shoots to kill, survives kidnapping…"

Harry chuckles a little at the similarity of some of their experiences before replying. "I'd say loyal, committed, confident, somewhat resourceful, brave and daring."

She gives him a beautiful smile that lights up her eyes. She looks so beautiful he can hardly breathe.

"And what would you say of two confident, brave and daring people taking 10 years to talk about their feelings for one another."

Harry laughs out loud and it makes her stomach tingle. She rarely heard this belly roaring laugh from him. It makes her want to do unmentionable things to him.

"Idiots, both of them, total complete idiots."

Ruth's eyes attached themselves to his with all the love she feels for him. "If I may say so myself, I'd say they are cowards. I've been giving our situation a lot of thoughts. I think we have to use our words and stop thinking we know what the other wants or thinks. If it means I'm going to lose you for not being the one you imagine, then so be it, but it will be ME losing you."

Harry starts to stand. "You can never lose me Ruth"

She stops him by raising her hand. "No, please, stay where you are or I won't have the courage to continue." She lowers her hand back on her lap. "I did lose you Harry. I died… it changed me. Yet, it wasn't about me. I heard it in your voice Harry… I heard how my death would affect you and I thought that maybe if I had given us a chance, if we had made happy memories of us, it would have been easier for you. I wanted you to know how much you meant to me so that my death would be more bearable. I only ever wanted you to be happy and I regret most of all not making you."

Harry's eyes burst with pain. "Your death could never be bearable, Ruth and I'm happy now… you surviving made me the happiest."

Tenderness filled her eyes and voice when she talks again. "I understand, your death could never be bearable to me, but if I at least had memories of loving you, of being with you, having a life with you, it would make it… I don't know… there would be at least one less regret… one less what if."

Forgetting her previous request, Harry stood up from his chair and grabbed her hand between his and kissed it.

"I understand… you're probably right… not as bad. When you… while you were… Ruth all I could think about was all we didn't have, all we wouldn't have and it added to the sadness of losing you. I had so many regrets they were like an added weight to my grief. I only had the memory of two very furtive kisses and although they were quite nice, I wanted to have so much more with you. ."

Ruth squeezed her hand between his, smiling at him. "So do I Harry, I want more, I need more. I know it's strange to emphasize this, but I died Harry… I died. I knew I was dead, that my life was over, that my heart wasn't beating in my chest. Harry, I was aware, I felt me being dead. I felt the end of my life, how empty it was and that I didn't have one with you. I can't pretend it didn't happen. I can't get over it because as I died I felt my life was a total waste of… living."

Harry moved to sit to the edge of the bed, keeping her hand in his. He couldn't let her talk this way. How could her life be a waste when it was so precious to him? She was his life, his all, his everything.

"Ruth! Don't say that. Your life means so much. The work you chose to do save lives… and…"

Ruth interrupted him; he was making her point for her.

"What about me Harry… what about my life. Shouldn't I treasure my life at least as much as the ones I saved?"

Harry is surprised by her words. He never thought of the sacrifices they make as diminishing their lives… could it be?

Ruth raised her hand to his lips to keep him from expressing his thoughts.

"Please Harry, let me explain. I don't regret my work. Never think I do. Keeping that in mind, when I said my life was a waste, I meant what I am doing for myself. I know the feeling of doing something that matter, gives meaning to it, but I need more than meaning. What's my life Harry. I wake up, go to work then 12, 14 or 16 hours later I go back home to sleep and start over a day later. When I have a day off I use it to clean around the house and run errands. I live alone, I eat alone, I sleep alone, always alone. I have very few friends and they hardly know anything about me and I lie to them about my life because I can't tell them what I do. I don't share. I don't share my day, don't share my life, don't share who I really and truly am, but the worst part is I didn't even share with you Harry."

Harry pulls back, uncertainty showing on his face.

"What do you mean you didn't share who you are? That's not true Ruth, I know you, and you've shown me who you are. You've…"

"Really Harry. I know how you see me. Kind of shy and reserved, introverted, secretive and modest. You can't imagine me as the type of woman who is petulant and spirited or remotely… fun to be with. Harry can you picture me doing anything without analysing it to death and planning ahead for weeks. I am that. Can you imagine me initiate sex, grabbing you by your tie and have my way with you… because with you I want to be that too."

The look on his face and the smile spreading his lips told her he had imagined the last part quite a few times and it was a very entertaining and satisfying thought.

"Ok… cross that last part for now. We'll get back to it eventually." She adds the twinkle in her eyes a promise. Then her tone became serious again. "Harry your image of me says demure, kind of repress and in dire need of a knight in shining armour. You have this picture of a Victorian woman, defenseless and needing you to protect her. But you are not entirely to blame for it because that's what I gave you. I tried to fit your mould; I wanted to be what you want."

The expression on her face changes with the gentle smile she gave him. "Remember me 10 years ago?"

Harry reaction to her previous words shows her he's getting the picture she's drawing for him. "I do. You were different. I'd say happier… wilder."

Her eyes fall to the hand he's holding. She seems at lost for words. The silence between then stretches for a few minutes before she talks again.

"I got a second chance and I'm not going to waste it. I now appreciate how short life his. I died minutes after finally having you in my life. I'm not letting go Harry. Here and now I know what I want. I want you… with me… I love you Harry Pearce. This is what I came back from death for. I want to love you and be loved by you and I want you to love me, the real me, all of me." She swallowed hesitantly, this is a huge step for them, a 10 years step. "What do you want from me, Harry?"

Harry's face is one of bewilderment. His brain has left him; he can't speak, think or function.

 _She loves me. Did I just hear her say she loves me? She loves me? My God she loves me!_

Harry is still adrift with her admission and totally silent which makes her shudder with nerves. Several weeks ago, he had lost her. He had been left with regrets. Now she was offering him a warm, bright, dazzling future, to live with her making happy memories instead of the regrets of what could have been. She was offering herself to him, her heart for him to protect. Lost in his thought he doesn't notice that she's speaking to him until her hand brushes against his.

"Do you love me Harry?" She says softly, wishing with all her heart that he'll have the courage to admit his feeling.

Harry lets a deep breath out before perusing her beautiful face and for the first time in his life, he makes the conscious decision of letting his heart talk.

"More than I can say. I love you, Ruth with all my heart. I'm in love with you. I can't find the words to tell you what you mean to me, what you've meant all these years. But now, right at this moment, I would give my life for you to be happy." He's still afraid of opening his heart but he wants her with all he has inside him. To have a future they need to express how they felt and he wants a future with her… so badly it hurt.

"I love you, Harry." She says again with all her love for him in her azure eyes.

"And? But?" He asks still expecting an objection, a rejection or something along those lines.

She gently squeezes his hand before quieting his doubts. "And nothing Harry. Nothing more, nothing less. I love you, you love me. That's all. There's no guarantee, no instructions… just love. We are both intelligent people, we'll figure out the rest."

All smiles, Harry gently lifts her hands to his lips and kisses them. "I love you Ruth, so very much and I've loved you for so long… I love you." These three little words he couldn't say for a decade are flying out of his mouth now, like it's an Olympic sport and he's aiming for the gold.

He takes her in his arms and drop kisses all over her face.

"I" kiss "love" kiss "you" kiss… "I" kiss "love" kiss "you" kiss "so much" kiss "I" kiss "don't" kiss "have" kiss "the" kiss "words" kiss.

She pulls her head away so she can look at him, her eyes talking to his more than words could, a beautiful smile spreading her lips.

He can't resist the call of her eyes; he leans over, his mouth going for her lips. She closes her eyes willing him to kiss her.

 _Our first kiss… the first one that is not because one of us is leaving._ The elation she feels from the momentous event about to happen is overwhelming. Their first kiss she will remember for the rest of her life.

Just as his lips are almost touching hers, she whispers. "No more leaving kisses."

He suddenly stops and pulls back, looking at her beautiful face. He gets lost in her eyes and in his thoughts.

 _We had two kisses, the first because she was leaving and the second it was my turn to leave. No more leaving kisses_.

He bends down, his lips over hers he vows. "Never again, Ruth. I will never again kiss you because I'm leaving. I will be with you wherever you go."

With these words he tightens his arms around her as his eyes close he captures her lips with his.


	9. The meaning of secrets - chapter 9

**Harry and Ruth are about to share their first "real" kiss.**

 **Chapter 9**

The moment their lips touch their surroundings disappear. He's lost in the feeling of her. He can feel her love for him and her pleasure of him kissing her. A small sigh escape her mouth and dies in his. He feels her energy, no tension from having to hide how she feels, no sadness. He feels himself soar as his heart beats with hers. Her lips moved over his, savouring the taste of him, grazing his bottom lip with her tongue, infolded in the arousing strength of his arms around her. Small soft and whispery sighs escape her mouth in intervals with little moans. He never imagined that a simple kiss could be so… so… arousing, freeing, pleasurable. The mix of emotions he feels is silenced as she moves closer to him, her hand around his neck, her breasts crushed against his chest. This is nirvana… with accessories.

 _Our first kiss… My God, our first real kiss. I love him so._ Ruth can't stop herself from touching him to satisfy the burning need she has to touch him and to show how much she loves him. The softness of her tongue toying with his lip is his undoing. His arm crushing her against his chest, Harry deepens the kiss letting his tongue invade her mouth dueling with hers.

 _My God, she tastes like sunshine and happiness. Her lips are soft and plump, made for mine. Her body, her soft curves moulding to my body… I'm the luckiest bastard ever._

After a few minutes of kissing, they are both panting and holding one another, his hand on her neck he pushes her head under his chin. They are breathing one another, discovering their mutual scent, savouring the feeling of their embrace.

She puts her hand on his chest to push away from his arms. She looks at his loving face and gently brushes her hand against his cheek.

"I love you too. I've never felt so much for anyone. I also know you love me, I feel it in your words, from your eyes, your hands when they touch me. I'm loved." She takes his hand in hers and lays it over her heart. "Harry, can we build from this, from tonight? "

"I want nothing more. I think it's time we move forward. We've waited 10 years… long enough." His hand goes up to caress her cheek.

In a similar gesture she cradles his face between her hands and looking deeply into his eyes she whispers. "You mean everything to me and you're all I want. Let's use the time I'm recovering to talk and build on that love. It's just you and me here Harry. There's no grid, no disaster, just you and me."

Harry leans over to kiss her, a long exploring kiss, lips meetings lips, discovering texture, softness, the promise of more kisses. Breaking the kiss before he loses control, Harry pushes his face in the crook of her neck and whispers to her ear.

"I'd do anything for you Ruth. Anything! You are my more, my everything. You have my heart. It beats for you, it's filled with you and it only wants you. You have my soul and my body… they can only find happiness and peace from you." He kisses the tender skin below her ears before going down to gently nibble along her jaw to end on her lips. Words are not needed still their lips find a way of communicating their love.

"Mon amour. I came back to life to love you. You gave me the strength. I've wanted to be with you for so long but never had the courage... Just like you, I didn't know how to be, what to do."

Harry moves to the other side and lies on the bed, spooning his body to hers, his chest to her back, folding her in his arms, crossing his hands on her stomach. "Ruth. I didn't see a way out of the mess I created during the last weeks and you, my brave, beautiful Ruth, you showed me the way. I know we are far from being done with this conversation, but for now I'm fine with this being the first step towards us."

With each word he kisses her cheek, her neck and the roundness of her shoulder. "I'm so happy Sweetheart; you've made me the happiest man. I love you."

She turns her head so she can see his grinning face. "Je t'aime, mon Coeur."

He moves his hand to the back of her neck and lifts her head towards his mouth; he kisses her deeply before whispering to her ear.

"I have to say… you speaking French makes me want to do wild things to you. I believe Happy Harry is back to stay… for good."

Harry moves on his back while he tucks Ruth to his side; her head leaning against his shoulder, his arms wrapped around her in a cocoon of warmth. She couldn't remember a time when she had felt so comfortable.

"Mon Coeur?" Using these simples words fills her with pure joy.

His lips kiss her forehead. He is delightfully off center. "Yes my love."

Ruth lifts her hand and cup the side of his face with it. She gets his attention. She's a bit hesitant, thinking carefully about her words. "Harry. I need to know why you stop talking. One of the things I loved and missed most about Happy Harry is that he would talk to me about everything and anything. I don't understand why you made him leave."

Harry lowers his eyes to her face. She sees reluctance and dread at first, then the struggle to not pull away and hide. She sees the fortitude in his features. How could simply talking to her, saying what is on his mind be such a battle… still.

"Harry, all I want is for you to talk to me. I need to trust that you will. Promise me Harry. Harry we both have pasts to navigate. It's between us and I don't want the past to separate us, I don't want secrets between us. No secrets, no hiding, total honesty. For ten years we've been dancing and never admitted our feelings. We've both change and the reward is that we are a couple in love, I want to keep this... what we have going."

He feels the energy coming from her; she's passionate about this, her hand running across his chest as she keeps on speaking. "Whatever you have to tell me, you just tell me." Her expression changes to one of resolution. "Oh… and you can shove the bloody mask where the sun doesn't shine… I hate the mask. I can't read you when you wear it. The mask should never be on when we're together. There is no need. Remember, I love you, you love me. Simple."

He takes the hand that now lies on his chest and kisses it.

"I promise Ruth, no more hiding, no more secrets and for you, I'm throwing the mask away."

With openness in his eyes, he makes the promise to her. She sees him hesitate for a moment then wills himself to speak. "Ruth, I want the same promise from you. No more hiding, no more secrets and no more running away from me. Can you promise me that?"

"I will Harry. I do. It's a given in my mind. We're a team and we have to be open and trusting of one another. No more running away or hiding. So will you answer my question now? Why did you stop talking to me, why did you send Happy Harry away?"

He knows he has to say the words. In his first marriage he had hidden so much, had kept numerous secrets from his wife. He had done the same in his other relationships including with his children. He hadn't been genuinely truthful with anyone. He was never really himself even with his family. Always he would put on a persona as easily as putting on a suit. He would justify it with the need to protect them but if he was really honest, it was more comfortable to take a role. Talking about himself, showing the real him went against the grain of years of training and conditioning. It wasn't easy.

"I didn't stop talking… I just got lost. For so long now I haven't been myself with anyone. All of my life I've been the one taking charge. I determine what I want and I reach for it. I'm in control. Contrastingly, with you I'm indecisive, I'm tentative in my words, not knowing what to say, how to say it, so I falter and wind up saying nothing. I don't know how to be with you and I'm terrified that you won't love who I really am."

 _Oh, Harry. To think I wouldn't love you is so ludicrous and yet I have the same fears… what if you don't love the real me._

He is talking again pulling her mind back to him. "You said no more secrets, total honesty… that would include with myself."

Putting her hand over his she yearns to give him her strength to say the words he seems to be dreading to say. After a few seconds she hears his voice again.

"If I'm being honest, the one single thing that made me pull back is fear. I'm not proud of myself for being such a coward, but I'm terrified of letting my heart feel. I'm scared stiff that you won't love me or that you'll stop loving me… and my personal nightmare is that I'm petrified of failing you. It would break me for good. You have so much power over me, Ruth. If you were to leave or die…" He shivers remembering how he felt when she died. "… my heart would break never to be whole again. I don't think I could trust or love again after losing you. You have the power to shatter my heart forever."

"Oh… mon tendre amour." (Tr. My gentle love)

She moved over him, lying on top of his body, she kisses him with all she has, trying to comfort and reassure him. Her hands moving to his hair, she softly bites his lips before moving her mouth to his ear, kissing his neck on the way.

"Harry, I promise you that I will never leave you, not of my own volition. I can't lose you Mon Coeur. I simply can't. I would lie down and die from my heart drying up and refusing to beat if it didn't beat for you."

She brought tears to his eyes with her gentle voice.

"Ruth, my heart is yours, I'm yours. I've been waiting for you for so long and yet I can't remember my life before you came into it. If you ever leave me, I'm leaving myself and going with you."

Their mouths join, pull away and join again, each time savouring the rapture in the connection, the exultation of expressing feelings with their lips, lost in the physicality of their kisses.

At one point Harry gently pulls her to his chest. He has to stop before he loses what little control he has left. They stay lying against each other in comfortable silence, reeling from the kisses and touches they shared. They are lost in their thoughts and in the presence of one another. After a while, Ruth lifts her head to look at him. He knows that look well, he calls it the 'eureka' look. He's seen that look so often on the Grid. She just figured something out.

 _Of course she would; she's such an incredible analyst._ Harry is smiling like a loon.

"Hear me out Harry." Ruth is now caressing his chest, letting her hand roam over it, not aware of the effect it has on him, so he takes her hand in his. She doesn't notice the motive behind the gesture and she keeps on talking.

"Your perception of me, Harry is that I am shy, reserve, someone to protect, a little demure, a woman captive within herself, remote almost withdrawn. That perception has been in you for 10 years now. Had we moved into a relationship 10 years ago, with intimacy, you would have discovered a side of me I keep separate, not inward, not outward, just separate." She kisses his cheek smiling. "You would have discovered Happy Ruth sort of say... But we didn't move into a relationship and we started dancing around one another, building personas in our minds that were based mostly on perceptions. I couldn't be the bold and daring Ruth that I know I am because I was afraid it wouldn't fit your perception of me or the perception my perception of you had of me."

Ruth cringes as she hears herself babbling without making any sense. _I'm such an idiot. I'm not making an iota of sense. He's going…_

He interrupts her musing in an astounded voice. How could he not have seen it, she made sense of what they were doing so quickly… so brilliantly. "And I could not be forthright and insistent in my approach because I was afraid the perception I had of you would run away." Harry says completing her thought."

 _My God… give the man a big and shiny something. He got it. The man I love is a genius._

Ruth couldn't help herself, she puts her arms around his neck, hugs him and giving the man a quick but hard kiss she says. "Exactly! Does it make sense?" Ruth looks up into his eyes.

"Of course it does Ruth. I just never thought of it this way. Like most people with our job, I've always reacted to others from reading signs, body language, micro expression, making assumption, creating perception and always fitting my personality accordingly, you know changing with the situation. It might work in the field, but occupational hazard as it is, it isn't conducive to a healthy relationship."

"But as wrong as your perception of me is or mine of you… we know what matters. You have integrity and a sense of honour that resonate in me. I love your intellect, the way you think, the way you express yourself and your voice. God I love your voice. I also love your heart even though you hid it from me for so long; I know it's there every time you talk about Catherine, Graham, about people you love. Your heart is loving and caring and so open to love and to be loved. Knowing the real you won't change the you I fell in love with. Do you see that?"

Harry feels his heart beat faster, overwhelmed with his love for her. "Yes, I do. The trust and honesty in showing yourself to me could only make me love you more."

She almost jumps within the circle of his arms. "Exactly. God I love you Harry." Her arms circle his shoulder to meet on the back of his head, grabbing a handful of hair while her mouth lifts to his in an all-consuming kiss. He gives into her and for a few minutes their bodies doing most of the talking. They discover new heights in the kiss they share and once more Harry feels the need to stop before things are taken too far. She certainly is not in shape to do anything more.

He leans back on the bed and pulls her against him. She feels his chest moving under her cheeks as she hears a little laugh before he speaks again. "I know… my intellect. Only you would put intellect before anything else. I love that about you."

She blushes a little, compliments have always been hard for her. Open words of appreciation and love she'd have to get use to without turning some shade of red every time.

"Remember when I join the team, the girl I was?" She asks, her voice tentative but her eyes shining with affection.

"Of course, I have very fond memories of that girl." He answers smiling at her and letting his lips roam around her face and neck.

"Before I… before Sasha… I remember her too. I use to be fun and alive. In the last few years I've become so serious, pessimistic and I would say depressed for lack of a better word. What we see at work Harry, we carry in our mind, our memory and in our heart and it changes us. I've realised I need to balance the negative and the positive. I don't want to be what you think I am and I certainly don't want to be the Ruth of the latter years, sad and alone. I want to put fun back in my life, I want to love you, to make a life… with you. Most of all I wish you would act like your true self with me? I know I can do it. Do we trust each other enough to show who we genuinely are."

"I trust you Ruth, like I've never trusted anyone and I've showed you that trust… at work, but talking like this about my feelings, my emotions… finding the words and letting them out. It's just not me. I have to learn to be me for you, I want to and I will, it just not going to be my first reaction. I've been lying to people about what I do and who I am for years. It was required. It will be difficult to change my ways. I've seen other spooks balance work and family, but I've been on my own for so long. You see I've been my job and not much more for so long, there's no balance between my work and my personal life. I don't have one.

He swallowed nervously, a self-deprecating smirk on his face. "When you were unconscious, I could do it because there were no consequences, you didn't know, you didn't hear. I was just myself… with myself. But to say it now has repercussions, you can hear my words and it is a gruelling challenge."

She leans over a little and kisses his lips. "I know. It's difficult for me too, but think of the rewards Harry. We'll be closer than we've ever been in the past. I believe our feelings can be deeper. I'm so happy right now, can you imagine being even happier. I know I can't but I'm willing to explore."

Harry remember how broken he felt when he found out she was alive, the overwhelming happiness he felt like a shock. "I don't think I could be happier than I am… not humanly possible."

Releasing her, he moves his hand to her chin lifting her face to his, planting his eyes in hers. "I promise you Ruth. I won't hide again. I will talk to you, even if you have to hit me over the head to remind me that I can't go on thinking I know what you think, what you want or what you need."

She gave him the most impossibly adoring smile. She couldn't be any more beautiful than at this moment.

Holding his face between her hands, she whispers. "I love you mon Coeur. That's what you are to me, my heart. It can't exist without you in it, so you are my heart. "

Harry moves her closer to his body, his arm a little tighter around her. He gently kisses her lips. "We have been playing by rules of secrecy for so long, as you said, we are made of secrets and our feelings are no different. It's hard to express something that has been a secret for a decade. It won't go away just because we want it to. My first reaction will always be to change the subject, to evade. You can't let me do it and I won't let you."

"I love you so much Harry, it hurts." Moving his hand to her flat belly she goes on. "It hurts here, right here. It feels like my body can't contain all my love for you and it's unable to let it out any other way then by making my belly ache."

Understanding lights up Harry's face. "My God woman! This is beyond brilliant, even for you. I could never get my mind around it; find a way to express it. That's exactly it. I love you so much it belly aches."

Moving his hand from her belly to her waist further onto her lower back, he pulls her on top of him and kisses her. He tastes of love, his soft lips against her pulpous ones are telling her all the pleasure he is getting from the kiss. His tongue slowly invades her mouth wrapping her tongue, as if to entice her soul to come out. Her hands move to wrap themselves around him and she gives herself to the feeling. She's dizzy with the smell of him. He smells of fabric softener, sandal wood and something else she can only describe as 'Eau de Harry'. His hands are travelling the length of her back and he is thrilled to hear the moan that escape from her lips into his mouth. Their tongue dancing sensually shutting the world outside of the wet warmth between them, eliciting moans and gasps through the discovery of how wonderfully their mouths fit together. He moves a little and leaves feathery kisses from one side of her neck to the other, whispering along the way.

"I love you so much. I don't deserve you. That I believe with all my heart, but I will do everything in my power, with everything in me, to merit your love and never make you regret loving me."

Her teary eyes are fixed on his face, mystified by this man whom she loves more than she thought possible. All her teenage dreams, the dreams that had gently sway the loneliness of her adult life; they fade in the reality of him.

"I love you, Harry. I could never regret loving you. I will love you always and all I want is to make you happy." She takes his lips as a seal of her promise.

She is lying across his body and the assault of desire is fierce. Her hands go from his neck to run through his hair, her nails lightly scratching his scalp while her mouth finds his in a devastating kiss. Harry groans with pleasure, his tongue exploring her mouth, his teeth gently biting her tongue and drawing on her bottom lip.

 _Lord all mighty the man can kiss._

She feels wetness pool between her legs while his body displays how much he wants her. Experiencing his hardness against the apex of her legs for the first time, she glorifies in the knowledge that she provoked his response. The rush is unbearable. The ache in her stomach is now a roaring fire. She keeps the kiss alive not giving into her need to stop and breathe.

The sound of a throat clearing invades their haze induced kiss. They pull away from one another, Harry moving her to his side in one swift motion.

A grinning Steven is in the middle of the room. "Hey you two. Enough of that. There will be no act of a compromising nature while I'm on duty."

If looks could kill, the Doctor would have died on the spot from the scolding look Harry gives him.

Ruth is blushing and giggling. "Good thing I'm not still plugged to the heart terminal. I don't think a trauma team is the ideal constituent to a kiss."

Harry's laugh answers her words. He is so glad that she is joking about the interruption. He is still expecting her to withdraw into herself. He brushes his lips against hers in gratefulness.

"Steven, didn't you get the memo? Anyone entering this room will be shot on sight. Ruth, my darling, remind me where I left my gun." Harry kisses the tip of her nose, a large smile on his face.

Steven's laughs brazenly. "Remember Harry. You're still on my blackmailing list."

"Just one more reason to shoot…" Harry starts to reply when Ruth interrupts him.

"Steven Walker, you are not throwing this man out. You're done with blackmailing him." Over her head, Harry smirks victoriously at his friend. Ruth hugs him closer to her. "He's staying right here where I can keep an eye on him."

"Better you than me, Ruth. I'm not really fond of Harry's looks." During the months of doctoring Ruth, Steven had discovered that they both had an enchanting and sharp sense of humour. He moves into the room and sits down to look at them. "I just thought I would touch base with you two and talk about Ruth's treatment and your expectations."

With one more soft kiss, Harry gets up from the bed and starts making tea while Ruth pulls herself up to a sitting position. With their respective cups, they start talking and planning the weeks ahead.

After Steven has left the room and Harry has washed the cups, he turns around to find a devilish smile on Ruth's face.

"Come over here sailor. I'm in major need of cuddling right now. We have talked extensively tonight and we've hardly kissed at all. We have to find some balance." Ruth's girlish pout is more invitation then he needs.

His face lights up as he walks over to her, gets into bed and takes her in his arm, pulling her into his side. "Talk about incentives. If I get such reward every time I talk, I might never shut up."

Ruth wraps her arms around his waist and snuggles comfortably against his body. "That's called positive reinforcement, Harry. It's a new interrogation technique and I'm very good at it. You're doomed Harry Pearce. It won't take me long to know every single one of your secrets." She peppering his face, neck and chest with small kisses and he loves the attention and the physical expression of her feelings for him. It feels like she can't help herself but kiss him.

He kisses her back. "I don't mind my love; I don't mind one tiny bit, as long as you only use these techniques on me."

"Don't worry, mon amour. I'm partial to one middle aged, pouting, and incredibly sexy spook called Double H." She giggles and the sound makes his heart sing.

At this precise moment, he feels utter happiness. Lying in bed with his arms around her in a beatific silence, the kind of silence that can only happened between people who are truly comfortable with one another, not needing to fill it with words. Lost in his thoughts, fingers tapping on her shoulder, it takes him a while to realize she's answering back with her own tapping.

He taps 'what's your favourite color."

She answers 'on you blue, on me purple. You?'

He taps back 'on you blue, on me grey.'

'Good.' Is the answer she taps.

'Why?' Why would she think that liking blue on her is good.

'Because I want to know the little things about you.' Her finger is leisurely tapping against his chest.

His is tapping against her upper arm. 'Good. I want that too.'

'It's good then.'

'I love you Ruth.'

'I love you Harry. Sleep now.'

'Ok' and his finger stop. Although he's tired, he fights sleep for a while. Eyes closed he basks in her body against his, her hand on his chest, how soft her skin is under his hand. He savours her warm breath against his neck, relishing in the feel of her breasts against his side and for the first time in his life feels the depth of emotion brought from loving someone and being loved… unconditionally.

He hears her soft voice whisper in his ear. "Je t'adore, mon doux, mon tendre, mon incroyable amour." (Tr. I adore you, my gentle, my tender, my incredible love.) and with these words he lets sleep take him over.

From that night on, every morning would find Harry and Ruth sleeping peacefully, tucked in the same small bed and anyone coming into the room would just smile, turn around and leave. .


	10. The meanig of secrets - chapter 10

**I know I'm going to get reviews about the fact that the characters are so unlike the ones we know... about the lack of stiff upper lips so typical of British people. I thought that repressing emotions with everyone around might be the way to go... for them... as a culture, but in a one on one relationship with someone you love, one might not repress as much. I can't imagine someone never showing how they really feel, that would drive me banana. Harry hasn't changed that much, you'll see as we go further in the story, but right now he's only with Ruth and in order to be with her, he's got to be in touch with his emotions and so does she. They've been dancing and repressing for 10 years and it's obviously not working. They're not crazy, they won't keep on repeating what doesn't work. At least that's how I see it.**

 **This chapter the ones that are to follow won't come as far... like one a day. My chest wound took a turn and the infection is back which means treatments and all that. Sorry about that but don't worry, the story is already all outlined, I just need some tweaking.**

 **Reviews… I need reviews… my precious….**

Chapter 10

Everything has changed. Ruth is deliriously happy and Harry loves like never before. With the help of the physiotherapist, Harry is now involved in Ruth's exercise regimen. The lotion rubbing and the massage have started again and Harry is adamant that he's to be the only one allowed to do them and to him it makes perfect sense.

"Come on, Beautiful, are you telling me that you wouldn't mind having a pretty nurse touch me all over, her hands on every inch of my skin." His self-righteous expression tells her that he believes he won the argument.

She tries not to let jealousy override the point she's trying to make. Of course she would mind. No one touches what's hers; however Harry doesn't need to know that.

"I'd be ok with it, as long it's part of a therapy and not from some shady parlour."

However the glare in her eyes and the expression of disdain on her face tells him she better not find him with a woman's hand all over him, therapeutic or otherwise. He loves when she turned all proprietary on him.

"I don't know why I never notice before but you are a terrible liar my love." He leans over her to brush his lips against hers. "Terrible, terrible liar." His lips move to her forehead before he speaks again.

"I don't want any other woman touching me but you and from now on I'm the only man who will touch your delectable body… deal with it."

"You are such a caveman." Her laugh and the kisses she lays on his neck tell him, not for the first time, she likes his cavemen ways.

Her condition is progressing nicely and her arms are now strong enough to handle a wheel chair. Coordination is still a bit lacking but they found some exercises that involves Harry's body and the use of fine dexterity skills that are very satisfying to both of them. Her legs, however, are still not cooperating.

He's sitting in a chair, reading by her bed, holding her hand while she's relaxing quietly sitting and looking at him. A frown appears on his face, he lowers the book and looks at her with a quizzical look.

"Do you think Malcom brought this book on purpose?"

Her eyes tells him she had no idea what he is referring to while her gentle smile shows how entertaining she thinks he is. He gets up slowly and moves to her bed like a tiger spotting his prey. Ruth keeps on looking at him, her eyes now perusing his body from head to toe. He didn't get her infatuation with looking at him but who is he to argue. If it made her happy, she could look to her heart's content.

"Enjoying the view, Beautiful." He asks with a sparkle in his eyes.

Her laugh resounded in the room like chimes in a gentle breeze. He loves her laugh.

"So very much Mon Coeur. Have I mentioned how I like your new body, all toned and rippling muscles?

"You might have once or twice." He answers with amusement. "Hey baby doll, wanna see my big guns." He utters pulling his arm up in a strong man pose, fist closed and showing the definition of his biceps.

Ruth roars in laughter. "That is the worse American accent ever, Mon Coeur."

He kisses her hard and looked at her menacingly. "Admit it Beautiful. He chose that book on purpose and you know it. However you healed faster than Malcom predicted."

Ruth tried to look scared by the look he gave her and failed miserably. "I won't admit anything. My name is Ruth Evershed and I don't have a rank or a serial number." Playful Harry was a new occurence and very, very hard thing to resist.

"I will break you lady. You will tell me." He leaned closer moving his hand to her waist he starts tickling her.

He loved her laugh and tickling her was the fastest way he could get it. It was an addiction by now. He was obsessed with getting her to laugh. It was also highly erotic, he never thought of tickling as foreplay and knew it was rather juveline to do so but when she laughs like she is laughing he wasn't strong enough to resist.

"No… please Harry… stop… please… don't…" She's trying to move away from him but he takes advantage of her lack of coordination or space on the bed.

"Admit and I'll stop." He's growling and chuckling at the same time.

Ruth's face is distorted in laughter as his fingers keep on torturing her. "I don't know… why… Uncle! Uncle… please stop." She's screaming now. "How… could I know… I was unconscious when he brought the books, I don't know. Harry… I… can't breathe."

Harry ceases retaliation and kisses her again before planting his eyes in hers. "That book is really good and I can't put it down… but and it's a major but, nobody mentioned that there are 7 books to the Cursed Kings and that not all of them are translated in English. It's 11th century French, Ruth. I'll be a grandfather by the time I finish the bloody thing. Some of the words are not even in the dictionary. What the hell does 'ocsir' means."

"It means to kill or to die, depending on the context."

 _Of course she would know the meaning of a 11_ _th_ _century word… in French no less. She impresses me still._

Harry considered himself a well-read man, one with a pretty good cultural knowledge but compare to her illiterate.

"Why wouldn't it say I'm going to kill you." His indignation shows and he starts tickling her again to appease it.

She's rolling on the bed, laughing so hard a few tears fell from her eyes. Suddenly, Harry's fingers stopped but stay on her waist. She lifts her eyes to look at him and gasps at the emotion she could read on his face.

"God. Ruth. You're so damn beautiful, you make me forget my name and when you laugh I forget to breathe."

Tucking his cheeks in her hand Ruth is about to answer him but he doesn't let her.

"I know, I know, you told be several times before, you're a plain Jane, nothing exceptional. Don't say it please. I wish you could see yourself the way I do. You're the most beautiful woman I've ever seen, the complete package, inside and out. You're nature is admirable and your appearance mind blowing."

A shy smile on her face distracts him and he hardly hears her words. "I love you so much Harry and I'm so happy… makes me feel incredible and it must show in my appearance."

He leans over and takes her lips with his, putting all his love in a scorching kiss. He climbs in the bed and cover her with his body, kissing her to make her forget her name. At this moment, he would give anything to be inside her. Anything to feel her around him… under him, moving her hips to meet his…

Abruptly, the noise of the door opening interrupts them. Before the person comes in the room, Harry is off the bed and facing the door, ready to protect Ruth. A panting Cheryl starts talking, a haunted look in her eyes.

"Harry, someone just asked for you. A man… late 20's early 30's, he wasn't on the list of visitor you gave me. As you asked me, I told him I didn't know who you were and sent him to registry. You are not a patient so they have no idea who you are… it should be safe."

Harry turned his head to look at Ruth and the anxiety he was feeling was obvious to her. The mask was truly gone. Turning back to the nurse Harry asked in a calm and control voice.

"Did he ask for Ruth or Rose."

"That's the strange part." Cheryl replies. "No mention of any other name but yours."

"Did he give you his name." He asks not showing the trepidation he was feeling at the idea of a possible threat to Ruth.

"I asked but he diverted giving me an answer. That's what made me cautious. Something about him wasn't right. I know how people ask for someone they care about. He didn't. "

"Thank you. That was quick thinking on your part. "

Cheryl's face showing concern she couldn't keep herself from asking.

"So I'm not being paranoid. It might be something… unsavoury."

Harry gave her a smile. "How very British of you. I don't think it's anything… unsavoury. It might just be about another Harry Pearce. I can't be the only one with the name."

"I'm so glad you never used your real names." She says letting go of the breath she didn't realise she was holding.

"I never do, as a procedure my agent are always under an assume name. Usually when one of my team is hurt, it's never because people were nice to them."

Lead by a mischievous streak, Cheryl adds. "And yet I know your real names?" She knew very well that the man wasn't happy about slipping too many times to count by using their real names. She couldn't resist teasing him about it. For the last 4 or 5 days, he had greatly changed… since the day Ruth had threatened anyone coming into the room with certain death.

"You, Steven and Dr. Singh know. I trust you with Ruth life, I trust you with our identities." Harry said in a serious tone.

The corner of Cheryl's mouth lifts in a smile. "That and the fact that you were so distraught with Ruth's condition that you couldn't keep up with the deception."

Harry heard a giggle coming from the bed. He didn't need to turn around to see hilarity on Ruth's face.

"That too." The lift in his voice showed he was amused. Holding Cheryl's hand in his, he hid his unease from her trying to be reassuring. "Don't worry about it. Keep an eye out just in case but I don't see any reason for alarm. Thank you for the warning, you're a good woman."

"I will keep an eye… discreetly." With these last words Cheryl left to go back to her work.

Harry braced himself before turning around, knowing Ruth wouldn't be as easily distracted.

"If I didn't know better I'd say she's having fun… at playing spies."

Ruth looked at him daring him to keep the charade going. "Harry?"

He walked up to her, sat on the side of the bed before taking her hand in his in reassurance.

"I'm not going to lie to you, we promise each other that much. I don't like it but I'm not worried yet. It might be nothing at all. I'll ask Erin to look around without attracting attention and see if there's interest in me or you in the background noise."

She squeezed his hand in a gesture of trust. "I'm not worried. Harry I trust you'll do everything to keep me safe. I just want you to try as hard to keep yourself safe. I need you, I'm so afraid of losing you now that I have you. More than anything I need you to not keep me in the dark."

"I won't, I promise. My first reaction would be to protect you from danger, in every way possible but it wouldn't be prudent. Not knowing the situation you might do something that would put yourself in danger." His eyes full of humour he couldn't resist mocking her. "There are no branches available around these woods."

Ruth knew his remark was all in good humour and trying to lighten the mood.

"Harry, it was a long time ago, don't you think it's about time that story dies. Branches were all that was available to me. Guns don't grow on trees you know."

"I love you my branch wielding wench. You saved Adam that day and added to your legend." He kissed her cheek his eyes sparkling at her.

"Be serious… I'm not a legend." She slapped him playfully on the arm.

"Oh but you are. You're the best analyst MI-5 ever had and you were put in situation that only field agent would be expected to handle… too many times for my comfort. I've always been so proud of the way you carry yourself… proud and terrified at the same time. The thought of you in danger would kill me every time."

She gave him a teary smile. His fear for her was part of the way he loved her. He had to admit he was indeed a bit of a caveman when it came to her.

"Harry. I love how you love me. As long as you were by my side I was never really afraid. I knew you would and will save me every time. I intend that you and I die of old age, Mon Coeur."

The trust she had in him was the ultimate turn on. He had to kiss her, his need for her felt overwhelming. Taking her in his arms, he kissed her slowly and thoroughly, his tongue invading her mouth, tasting her, rediscovering the softness and the wetness that was her. It was still so new to have the freedom to kiss or touch her. Every kiss felt new yet different as they were a journey in the physicality of their relationship. In his heart, he had loved her for almost a decade, but to be able to express that love was a voyage of discovery in sensuality.

* * *

In the middle of all the screaming and pleading, Ruth and Harry didn't hear the knock on the door or the gasp coming from the man standing in the doorway.

"Harry, Ruth…" William Towers didn't dare come any further into the room. He couldn't believe his eyes. His head of counter terrorism tickling his security advisor. Nobody would believe him if he told.

Upon hearing his name Harry turned around. "Home Secretary, what a surprise. We didn't expect you." Harry stood up and walked to him to shake his hand as if he and Ruth were just having tea. Ruth, on the other hand, was straightening her clothes, her cheeks a deep crimson, as much from embarrassment as from the exertion of being tickled by Harry.

"It's fairly obvious; you didn't expect visits this afternoon." Unknown to most Towers was a man who couldn't resist a good teasing and this situation was too good to pass.

"Would you rather I come back another time so that you can resume your… activities."

Harry gave him a stare that probably made bureaucrats everywhere shiver. Turning back to Ruth, he looked at her face worry all over his. Still he turned back to his boss glaring a little more at the oblivious man.

 _Bloody Man…. She'll pull away and never let me touch her again._

Harry felt his body jerk in surprise when, from behind him, he heard Ruth's giggling.

"Please, Sir, stay. I'm dying to hear about work. Harry refuses to tell me about anything outside of this room."

Towers was not going to be deter from the tickling situation with shop talks.

"Is tickling part of a new sort of therapy, Harry?"

The answer from Harry came through right away as he chuckled a little. "Of course Sir. Everything I do is to help Ruth heal so she can be back in your service as soon as possible." Harry had a smug expression… a grandiosely pompous expression. "You know, laughter produces endorphin which promotes healing. I'm only thinking of you in everything I do… of course." The tone of his voice was all sugar and honey.

Ruth chuckled and Harry thought he heard the other man mumble something that sounded like 'snooty prick'. Harry kept on going adding insult to injury.

"Aren't personnel evaluation do soon Sir? I'm hoping for a 'more than satisfactory' rating this year. It would do for a nice change."

Towers had a painful expression on his face but Harry had to turn around at the sound of Ruth laughing. She was sitting in bed holding her ribs in merriment.

 _That is the best laugh ever. That is THE laugh. I want to hear it while I'm inside her. My God! Harry Pearce, shut your brain. You are turning into an old libidinous man._

Ruth's voice burst between laughs. "You may as well give up William. Harry is more condescending than ever these days. I haven't been able to win a single argument against him and the display of arrogance is quite irritating at times."

Said man turned back to the Home Secretary glaring at the man.

"What?" Towers asked.

"Since when are you on a first name basis with your security advisor? Sir."

The 'Sir' was given on a tone that sounded like a polite insult. Such poisonous sweetness of tone required a singular talent in subtlety.

"Come on Harry. You don't expect Ruth to call me Mr. Towers or Home Secretary; do you now?"

"Why not?" Harrry was back to the glaring part of their conversation.

Towers was quite surprised with Harry's behaviour. He had always been protective of Ruth but this was a claiming of sort if he ever saw one. "Because we work together and…"

"I don't care." The glaring turned into glowering. Towers was almost sure he heard a growl with the look he was given.

"Harry… play nicely." That last remark came from Ruth. Harry turned back to her, indignation all over his face which resulted in watching the love of his life giggle some more.

Towers' voice rose behind him. "See Harry, I told you before; you have to learn to play nicely with other children."

"Oh… don't doubt it William." Ruth smiled at both man. "Harry can play very… very nicely when he wants to."

Towers planted his eyes in Harry's. "I believe that judging from the screaming I heard before from your… girlfriend?"

The smug was back on Harry's face… exponentially.

"Really William." Ruth intervened. "I'm much too old to be anyone's girlfriend."

"You're not too old, Ruth, not you. You are the picture of youth and vibrancy…" Towers answered her with a flirting smile.

To Harry, it was evident that Towers was toying with him, but it still made him feel like doing bodily harm to the man. Nobody… nobody flirted with his woman. She was his…

 _Mine…mine… she is mine. Hmm… She might be right; I may be a bit of a Neanderthal when it comes to her._

The Home Secretary was enjoying himself too much to care about Harry's musing. He was still jousting with Ruth. "And may I suggest you find a boyfriend who's not acting like a 10 year old boy gathering his pretty marbles. I feel I should expect him to pull on your pigtails next… Really aren't you both too old for tickling matches. "

Harry decided that this was the perfect moment to test Ruth's resolve. Towers was a known factor and if asked to not breathe a word of what he was witnessing, Harry was pretty sure he wouldn't. It was a calculated risk but a risk just the same. Should he? Was it too soon to address the elephant? Turning around, his eyes directed at Ruth, Harry spoke up.

"Actually Sir, if I may. We are acting like two people very much in love with one another."

Deciphering every emotion on Ruth's face, he saw surprise and fear, then acceptance and finally love. The look she gave him as her lips spread into a tender smile made his heart speed up. He heard Towers gasp from behind him before he heard the words from the man.

"About time. You two have been dancing long enough. May I congratulate you on finally seeing the light?"

Harry though that it would be indicated to kill two birds with one stone and alleviate any further… inconvenience.

"Being that you now know of my relationship with your security advisor, may I expect you to… restrain your eagerness in appreciating her. I'd hate to get an unmistakable drop in my personnel evaluation because of my actions if you kept on flirting with her."

Ruth's eyebrow went up and her expression reminded him that bullying the other children didn't equate to playing nicely.

The look Harry gave her was pure innocence. "What…you can't really expect me to let him flirt with you without threatening him with some type of admonishment."

She loudly sighs in aggravation. "You are such a brute, Mon Coeur. It's a wonder I fell in love with you."

He walked over and leaning he took her lips in a quick but heated kiss. "But you did and you do, sweetheart… deal with it."

A throat clearing sound grabbed their attention. His mouth still inches from hers, Harry looked deeply into her eyes, expressing his love for her.

"Yes Home Secretary. Are you trying to explain the reason for your visit, other than flirting with my… my… partner?" His voice showed he liked the word and just like that smugness was back on his face.

Towers became serious at once. "Actually I did want to see how Ruth was doing but there is another reason for my being here… It seems Sasha Gavrik is back in England even though the last time he was here, it was strongly suggested to him that he shouldn't return to this country ever again."

Both Ruth and Harry look at him a puzzled expression on her face, a worried one on his. The Home Secretary didn't give them time to react as he added.

"Actually, we only found out he was here when he came here… looking for you, Harry. He used a false identity and cover his track pretty. We don't know why but may I suggest you don't dawdle around. It's not Ruth he wanted to stab."

"Harry…" Ruth's voice was no more than a whisper filled with concern. "Can you put a protective detail on him, William." It was Harry who answered her question.

"Absolutely not. I don't need protection and to block his access to me would only make him take further step that might only endanger people around me. He risked a lot coming back so there has to be a good reason for his return. We need to know why."

"But Harry…"

"No buts Ruth. Last time he tried to get to me, you died. Do you think I would do anything to keep him from me now and risk someone else getting hurt?"

It was obvious to Towers and Ruth that the memory of what happen was still of very painful one to Harry.

"I worry about you, Mon Coeur."

"And I about you, Sweetheart. Don't worry about me. I can defend myself."

Towers interrupted him. "Harry… he's FSB and well trained. We can't let him roam around as if nothing happened. He stabbed a British subject on British soil. He needs to be made accountable for that. We are still tailing him, let us deal with him."

The determination in Harry body language was obvious. He had no intention of not involving himself in the matter but his words surprised both Towers and Ruth.

"Very well Sir, I will let you deal with it. I'll be here if you need anything from me."

Eyes squinting, looking at his head of counter terrorism, Towers studied the man carefully.

"Don't be patronizing Harry. You have no intention of not getting involved."

"I wasn't being patronizing Sir. I'm sorry I made you feel this way. I was agreeing with you in order to settle the situation… to your satisfaction."

"Oh thank you so much for not trying to be patronizing. Harry I'm serious I don't want you involved."

"And I'm just as serious…" Harry hissing voice answered. "I'm already involved, he's looking for me and I want to know why. Sir, you know me. You know I can't let anyone deal with this."

Towers took a deep breath willing himself to do battle with the man he's come to care about but he was interrupted.

"One would believe that one of you would think of asking the opinion of their security advisor on a security matter or the person one is in love with and directly concerned." Ruth's tone was even more patronizing then the one used by Harry earlier. She wasn't happy about being left out, that much was obviously clear.

Both men answered at the same time, in a tone stating their unwillingness to even consider her having a word in the situation.

"Ruth…"


	11. The meaning of secrets - chapter 11

**In the last episode, it was suggested that Harry had Leverov killed. As it was the end of the serie, Kudos didn't have to justify or explain the outcome of it but I felt I had to. Killing Leverov would have had mojor consequences for Harry and I felt that in order to stay in canon I had to close this part of the plot. If the serie had gone on, I'd be the first to say... what... retaliation from the Russians... That's going to be interesting.**

 **To adress it is my personal choice, it's not for the purpose of creating drama but rather just to tie up the loose ends.**

 **Hope you enjoy and please let me know whether you do or not. Reviews make us better story teller.**

 **Chapter 11**

"Harry."

"Mmm."

"What's your favourite movie?"

"My love, it's almost 1:00 in the morning, I'm dead tired and I was almost asleep." He was lying on his side, one arm under her neck and the other around her. He couldn't imagine falling asleep without her anymore.

"So what's your favourite movie?"

"Not one per say… Cast of a giant shadow, the Devil's brigade, Bridge on the River Kwai…"

He heard a small chuckle from her. "I feel a recurring theme."

He lifted his head to look at her face. She had a sleepy smile on her face and her eyes were closed. He knew by now that when she couldn't fall asleep, she would talk about nothing and everything and fall asleep in the middle of a sentence. He lowered his head back to the pillow and closed his eyes sighing with bone deep satisfaction.

"As a child, what was your favourite book?" He asks in turn.

"My father read all of the Chronicles of Narnia, several times. Sometimes I can't remember his face or things he said, but these books are etched in my memory. He would have a different voice for all the character and he acted every single line but he would always use his own voice for Asslan. I would actually look forward to going to bed because I knew I would have him all to myself. It's not my favourite book for book sake but it is because it's my fondest memory of my father."

Ruth had started opening more and more about her life, about how she felt. He knew it was hard for her as she knew it was for him but together they were making a conscious effort to share.

"What's the thing that you would be embarrassed to admit because it doesn't fit the Harry everyone knows?"

Without hesitation the answer crossed his lips. "Bubble baths."

She didn't move but he could hear in her voice that she was surprised by the answer.

"What's wrong with bubble bath? I love bubble baths. They are soothing and very therapeutic."

"I agree… but if you are an army man or a spy doing arm to arm combat and going on dangerous mission, it just doesn't fit. Could you imagine me, at my club, discussing which bath gel makes the most bubbles…"

She laughed moving her body deeper against his chest. "I can see your point."

He snuggled closer to her, tightening his arm around her. "What the thing you love that nobody would guess because it doesn't fit with the image people have of you?"

"I love lingerie." She admitted.

"I see nothing out of character about that." Harry answered tightening his arms around her.

"Except that everyone believe me to be the sensible white virginal type, conservative... you know. I like raunchy lingerie. The raunchier the better. Black sexy corsets, flimsy thongs, see through nighty. I just like the feel against my skin. It makes me feel more confident. My outer clothes might be considered boring but my undergarments are quite the opposite. I could spend my whole pay check on lingerie if I could afford it."

If he wasn't already in love with her, that tidbit of information would have done it for Harry. Picturing her in sexy lingerie... a dream come true. His head came off the pillow and looked at her beautiful face, her eyes still closed. She had no idea the pictures she brought to his mind and how arousing they were.

"Interesting. Can't say I've had the opportunity to judge for myself but I'm certainly looking forward to it.

"While I was in the hospital I had sensible granny panties and then my arms weren't strong enough to tie a bra, I didn't wore one and…"

And just like that… like a light Ruth was off to lala land. If he didn't know that having these snippet of a conversation was her way of shutting off her brain, he might have been insulted that she'd fell asleep on him so easily. Actually if he was really honest, he thought it was adorable. That made him smile and feel kind of fuzzy… which he would never admit feeling like, even under torture of the most...

And just like that… Harry was off to join Ruth.

When Harry woke up about 5 hours later Ruth was still asleep. He looked at her for a little while before deciding to have an early start on his exercising. He changed into a fresh t-shirt and a pair of sweat pants and went out of the room to walk to the staircase. He started running down to the basement to then climb the floors to the top. When he got to the 8th floor, Harry wasn't totally surprise to find the man he was supposed to let others deal with sitting on the stairs.

"Good Morning Sasha. Missed me much?"

The young man stayed sitting, leaning his elbows on his knees. He moved his arm to pick up a coffee that was on the floor beside him and offered it to Harry.

"Morning Harry. Care to join me. I have two sugars and two milks for your coffee. I thought as you are now watching your figure, milk would be preferable to cream."

The smirk on Sasha's face was all Harry needed to hate the man even more than he already did. He still wanted to shot him for stabbing Ruth and in no mood for pleasantries.

"That's very considerate of you but I'm sure you didn't show up this early just to bring me coffee."

Sasha sighed and grabbed another coffee from which he took a long gulp.

"Blunt and to the point… as always Harry."

"Sasha, what did you expect? You tried to kill me and succeeded in killing one of my agents. I'm more in a beating you to a pulp mood than a conversing one."

Harry added milk to his coffee and tasted it. Poison was not the younger man's style, he felt pretty safe in drinking it and showing a bit of trust would go a long way in finding out what the FSB agent wanted.

"That's why I'm here. I needed to apologize to you and Ruth for stabbing her. I lost my head for a moment, I didn't want to kill her… or you for that matter. I just wanted someone to pay for my mother dying and I couldn't make my father responsible for her death."

Harry leaned against the wall and sneered at the man in front of him.

"Next time you want to throw a temper tantrum, please do so in your own country. I'd appreciate that."

Sasha stood up and walked down to Harry.

"I'm also here to issue a warning…"

Harry felt his blood boiling.

 _I'm going to kill the bastard. I'm going to get my gun, hunt him down and kill him. Who does he think he is threatening?_

"If you come within miles of my family or Ruth, I'll make you pay dearly." Harry was grinding his teeth and making fist against his thighs.

Sasha pulled back a little his hands lifted in front of him in an act of surrender.

"No… no… you got it wrong. I'm here because I owe you, for… Ruth. I'm no threats to you. I am indebted to you, for letting my father and I leave the country… for exposing my mother for what she really was, for not shooting down the plane." He added his head looking down in shame, and then looking into Harry's eyes to show his sincerity he added.

"No… it's you. You're in danger. You made yourself very powerful enemies having Leverov killed, Harry. They want you dead. I'm here to warn you. They have a few assassins and they are offering quite a handsome amount in the contract.

Harry didn't really care if people were gunning for him or not, but there was no way he was going to endanger Ruth or his children. He had to make his play now.

"Can you get a message to the concerned parties Sasha." Harry said full mask on and conversational tone.

Surprise showed on the face of the young man. He didn't expect the older spy to take his warning in such a mundane manner.

"Yes I could. What do you want me to tell them."

Harry took a deep breath and started dictating his answer.

"Remind them I got Leverov. They couldn't… nobody could but I did… How hard could it be to get to a bunch of Russians mobsters? They are businessman, they know the value of money and after a few failed attempts, the price of the contract will go up… considerably. Tell them to cancel the contract and to leave me alone or I'll go Mossad on their arses."

Sasha's eyebrow lifted, confusion on his face.

"Mossad?"

"Yes. You know… Munich 1972, how all the terrorist involved were... hum... not alive... and how some people thought the Israelis overreacted. I'll make that look like a nice little game of patty cake."

"Oh… that Mossad!" Sasha said.

Harry looked at him, eyes deadly serious and talked again in a low, steely voice.

"Yes that Mossad… as in I have 30 years of contacts in this profession. If anything happens to me or anyone close to me, the assassin will be found and killed. The man who hired the assassin will be found and killed. The man who suggested hiring the assassin will be found and killed. Their associates will be found and killed… you get the concept … and it will keep on going until nobody's left in their organisation including the guy who cuts the grass. And believe me I know enough shady characters and I'm owed enough favours to do it."

Harry straightened his shoulders in resolved. He wasn't in a teasing mood.

"Then, please add that every security service on the planet will know of their existence and their business dealings starting with the CIA and the FSB, who would love to know the part they played in trying to have us shut down an airplane."

The calm voice Harry was using made his words even more terrifying to the man facing him. Harry Pearce wasn't playing.

"Oh! ok! I'll relay your message."

Harry then smiled at him, a very disturbing smile, one that made Sasha want to be somewhere else.

"Ruth and my family are off limit and so am I. I need to be alive to see them safe. Tell them I'm not going to interfere with their activities ever again. Tell them I lost my head. It was in reaction to having one of my agents killed which was a consequence of their actions. I needed someone to pay for what happened and I went to the people responsible. It won't happen again."

Sasha was fairly impressed with Harry's threat and knew it might work. Leverov was an impossible target. Harry had planned the assassination in a few days and had succeeded at first attempt. There was a good chance the contract on him was going to become too much trouble for his compatriots. They worked in shadows and needed to keep their business secret. Having every security services after them wasn't conducive to their type of activities. Most of the organisation members were mobster in it for the money, ex KGB or ex polit bureau officers needing to keep their whereabouts and activities a secret.

Harry was speaking again.

"You might also want to spread the word around. I will go after anyone threatening my family. I will find them and deal with them."

Sasha smiled at the older man. He liked the spooks style. Direct, efficient and terribly tantalizing. If he only had access to the kind of information and contacts Harry had, he would be a very wealthy man from the blackmailing alone but that wasn't Harry's style.

"I will make sure the word goes around and then I will consider my debt paid."

Harry had no intention of letting the young man off that easily; he was still very annoyed with him.

"Not so fast. You killed someone I care about."

Sasha interrupted. "But she's alive, she didn't die."

Harry's voice was harsh and cold.

"But she did die. No one can explain how she survives. For all intent and purposes you killed her. So you are going to be indebted to me for as long as is needed. You will keep your eyes and ears open and tell me the moment you know someone is trying to get to me. That's all I want."

"But Harry…" Sasha said in a whiny tone.

"No buts Sasha. If there is no plot you never need to talk to me again but I want to know the moment you hear of a plot. I want my family safe."

Sasha looked a bit sheepish when he replied. "Yes Harry, I will Harry."

"Good… you may now go and don't come back here. You were spotted and I would have to many questions to answer if you were spotted again."

Sasha surprised himself by the disappointment he felt at the thought of not seeing the older man again. Harry could teach him a thing or two. Old school stuff. Could be fun. He had to admit, surprisingly to him, he like Harry Pearce.

* * *

A few days later, Harry got an email from Sasha. He waited until it was his time to exercise to read it. Ruth had become much too good at reading him. She would know right away something was a foot. Hiding in the basement staircase, he opened the email he was sure would be untraceable. The young Gavrik wasn't an amateur.

 **Dear Uncle. I'm doing well. Hope everything is well with you. I enjoyed our last visit so very much, I keep an indelible memory of it.**

Harry snorted at the words.

 **Your counsel was appreciated by my friends. They cancel their plans after I relay our conversation and they agree with you that in end it would not be a profitable endeavour. The need to have their investment protected superseded their need for entertainment.**

 _Thank God, they are safe now. They are safe. Graham, Catherine and Ruth are safe._ He felt a relief so deep that his knees went weak. Taking a deep breath, Harry sat down on the stairs and kept on reading.

 **Hope Auntie is doing well and that she will enjoy the little gift I sent her as a token of my affection.**

 _Bugger… bugger… bugger. Ruth doesn't know we met and now there will be a lot of explaining to do._

 **Consider the gift as my appreciation for your insistence in retaining my devoted assistance. I'm sure Auntie will also appreciate the many gifts I will shower over her in the future. I know you'll vicariously enjoy them as well.**

 _You little Russian shit. You don't know me if you think you are going to get off that easy. You knew I wouldn't tell her and now you're using it... I will get you. God I hate Russians._

 **So give her a kiss for me and tell her I'll keep in touch.**

 **Yours truly.**

 **Your favourite nephew**

 _Yeah right... favorite nephew. How in the world am I going to explain this to Ruth. I don't want to tell her, I really don't but I promised her… no more secrets. This is ridiculous. I'm more afraid of her reaction then I was about the contract on my life._

Three days later Harry felt his personal Damocles sword fall on his neck. He was coming out of the shower, a towel on his head drying his hair dressed in his robe. Ruth was sitting in the bed and huge bouquet of flowers on her lap.

"Harry, Sweetheart. Something you need to tell me?" Her gentle smile scared him like nothing else. She knew he had been up to something.

"Euh… Ruth. You got flowers. Nice." He couldn't look at her, looked everywhere in the room but in her general direction.

"Yes... lovely bouquet. There is a card." She was baiting him, waiting for his answer.

Harry was trying to think of a way to explain and couldn't anymore then he had in the last three days.

"Who are they from?" He busied himself looking for something to wear.

If he had looked at her he would have seen her smile and her obvious enjoyment of his discomfort.

"Ruth... I might have forgotten to mention..."

He finally turned around and looked her way and saw her smile. He hated being nothing more than entertainment to her. Hated it when she would look at him all smiling and knowing that he was trying to get one by her.

"Yes Harry... you forgot something?"

 _Oh God, I'm going straight to the dog house. How do I get out of it?_

* * *

Harry was still in the proverbial dog house when Graham decided to mingle in what was not of his business. The arrogance of his son knew no bounds when a few days later Harry was being interrogated by his son. That was a first for him.

 _Hey who's the parent here?_ Harry almost wished they were back to not talking to one another... almost.

 _Anything would be better than this... this... embarassment._

Graham's voice brought him back.

"All I said Dad is what did you do to end up in the dog house. Ruth is the most patient person in the world, so it has to be a biggy. I mean I have eyes to see. The number of flower arrangments and boxes of chocolat say apologies and dog house all over them." Grraham was laughing by then, God honest laughter.

The words shot out of Harry's mouth, trying to put an end to the discussion before it even got started. "I am not talking to you. It's none of your god damn busi..."

He couldn't finish his sentence, Graham was speaking again.

"Dad, you use to be a lot scarier. These days you wouldn't scare a toddler with paranoid delusion. What did you do?"

Harry had to face facts, he had also become entertainment to his son. As if it wasn't enough that he was for Ruth now...

 _He doesn't need to know I've put myself in the dog house and have been trying to make up for it ever since she found out._

"I said none of your business and I mean it Graham." Then turning around to look at Ruth, Harry asked. "Love would you like a cup of tea? is your pillow high enough? Would you be more comfortable if I lifted the back..."

Graham's voice interrupted his father totally ignoring him.

"Ruth, would you mind going through your purse and find my father's balls?"

Harry's and Ruth's voice, snapped at the same time.

"GRAHAM!"

Graham enjoyed making his father squirm. That was one of his favorite activities. Very entertaining.

"What... I didn't say I would go through your purse... I would never... I asked if YOU could go through it."

"Graham... that's not, really..." She looked at Harry turning beet red in front of her, dancing from one foot to the other and Ruth simply... giggled. He was so completely adorable.

 _Entertainment value, yet again. What's with the people I love and using me as distraction. Really, don't I deserve a bit of respect, I'm a knight damnit._ Harry look at Ruth trying to looked miffed... less adorable.

Graham ignored the lack of reaction and kept on.

"I'm looking for my dad's balls and you seem to have them. I just thought you might be carrying them in your purse."

Harry's sigh was loud and forward.

"Very funny Graham. Very funny son. If I had 5 seconds to waste, I'd laugh but..."

Graham turned to him his hand on his hips and didn't let him finish yet again..

"Admit it, dad. You are so whipped, it's pathetic. What did you do?"

This time, it was Ruth who interrupted him when her voice snapped both men back to her.

"Graham I like you. I really do. However, you keep this line of inquiry and we'll have a problem. What's between me and your dad... is between me and... your dad."

Harry gave his son a devilish smile, she was on his side. Good. That would show his son... that Ruth definitely had his balls, they were clutch in her hand.

 _Shit..._ Harry opened his mouth and closed it when Graham took over the conversation... once more.

"But Ruth, I just needed a good laugh. I had the most boring day and..."

Harry really took offense at the remark.

''I am not..." Harry was growling now. The caveman was out. "Nor will I ever be your source of entertainment Graham." He saw his son open his mouth and Ruth lift her hand to interrupt but Harry would have none of that.

"And you both will let me finish a bloody sentence." Breathing deeply he spoke again. "I am not boredom relief or a slow day antidote nor I am your personal jester. This had to stop now. I am not entertainment. Also, I'm a card carrying member of the male of the specy and I've got a full membership with all the priviledges if you catch my drift, thank..."

Graham cut in... it was becoming a habit... a really annoying habit. Harry would have to nip it in the bud. "It's ok Dad. I made Ruth smile and drove you a little crazy... crazier. I believe my work here is done."

Going to Ruth, Graham leaned over her and kissed both her cheeks. Turning around he came to his father, hugged him... a very manly hug of course and left the room.

Harry was looking at the closed door and couldn't believe what had happened.

"Of all the stunt he could pulled... he's so... I'm going to.."

He was speechless, that's what he was. He turned around to tell Ruth all the wrongs that had been done to him but was stopped at her sight.

A glass of water to her lips she was trying not to laugh but her shaking shoulders told him she found the whole thing hilarious.

"You think laughing at me is funny... Ruth,"

She carefully placed the glass on the bed table and gave him a most beautiful smile. Just like that he felt all negative emotion leave his body. That smile made him happy.

"No... Mon coeur. I'm happy that your son feels close enough to you to tease you... mercilessly. I'm so happy for you."

Harry couldn't remember the last time Graham had teased him, if ever. Their previous relationship had been good when his children had been very young but later, when they became teenagers and his mariage failed, it had turned into an angry one.

Thinking about it, it felt good. That meant their relationship was getting stronger and deeper, more connected. It was good all around.

"You're right Ruth. They are getting closer to me. Now all we need is for me to give them amunition to tease you."

Her mouth opened and stayed that way. She was speechless realizing the full meaning of his words.

 _He wouldn't._ She thought, imagining the possibilities.

Just to make sure she grasp the full array of possible scenarios, he planted the final nail in her coffin.

"It would make me so happy for them to have a good relationship with you... my children feeling close enough to you to tease you... mercilessly.

The crooked smirk he gave her told her she would end up being the butt of many jokes.

 _Oh he would, he certainly would._

She didn't mind so much. Actually she felt great about it. HE felt comfortable enough to tease her mercilessly... he was being his true self and that made her so happy. They were moving forward in building a strong relationship... a future together.


	12. The meaning of secrets - chapter 12

**Reviews please. They bring a smile to my face and happy thoughts. It's a known fact that laughter produce endorphins which helps healing.**

 **So please, for my recovery, please review.**

 **Hey... what did you expect. I was born a Catholic, guilt trips were genetically engineered and transplanted at birth.**

 **Chapter 12**

"THING."

Harry turns around to see Ruth pushing the walker against the wall and slowly taking the two steps to get to the chair in the corner. The features on her face showing total exasperation.

"I'm useless… I hate that thing. I almost wish I could go back to the wheel chair."

Harry looks at her, his eyes full of tenderness. It has been seven weeks since they came together and it has been a surreal and thoroughly happy time. Ruth's progresses have been greatly welcomed and encouraged by Harry.

If only their relationship could progress as fast. Talking was still hard to them and they could find ways of not discussing their feelings that would make them deserving of medals in the Sidestepping World Series.

They were cautious in exploring the physical side of things. They were kissing and touching to the point of huffing and puffing, but hadn't gone any further. Harry's erections were not mentioned and neither were Ruth's protuberant nipples.

Harry wanted to explore, God… he wanted to so much. He wanted to discover every single inches of her body. He wanted to experience how his body would feel in contact with hers. Close and persistent contact. However, the fact that she pulled away every time they would get aroused made him pull back.

Slowly but surely gets to the finish line.

Ruth was now able to control her arms a little better but her legs were still not cooperating. From the wheel chair, couple of days before, Ruth had moved on to the walker. The same day, Steven had mentioned she could be discharged from the hospital soon. That day is now upon them. Tomorrow they are going home and they have agreed they would be going to his home... together.

As soon as the discharge was mentioned, Ruth retreated from him a little. She still seemed truly happy, but there was something she wasn't saying, something was bothering her. He wouldn't have known a few months ago, but now that he was free to look at her whenever he liked and dissect every expression that showed up on her face, he had learned to read her like an open book.

The difference a few weeks made. He loved her more every day. She truly was everything to him. Their relationship had gone from tentative looks to passionate kisses and caresses. The mournful expressions of years past were gone and smiles embedded on their face...

"You're not useless my love. You just need to give yourself time." Harry abandons the packing he started and walks over to her, his eyes full of affection and a tender smile spreading his lips.

"Old people need walkers; do I look like an old woman to you?" She asks crossing her arms against her chest in a defiant pose.

There was no right answer to that question Harry knew that much. She was just venting her frustration and he was the only one she could vent to. Even though he should dread this, he was happy to be there for her, the only one there for her. With a grin on his face, Harry crouches in front of her, holding her hands gently.

"What's wrong beautiful. Just tell me. I'll fix it."

She bends her head, her face half hidden by her hair. "Maybe I don't want it fixed. Maybe I want to feel depress and sad."

Harry gently smiles at her she was so adorable. He came to the realisation that nothing she could ever say would faze him. He felt that strongly about her and the strength of their relationship. They were a team and they could get through anything. The grin still well in place, he kisses her hands and says in a warm and light voice, one he didn't know he had.

"No! That's not my Ruth. My Ruth loves me and knows I love her and that makes her happy and happy Ruth is fun, she's my kind of fun."

She lets her hands fell on her thighs, she looks defeated. "Oh Harry! Sometimes I wonder why you love me. I'm just moody and on edge. I'm a basket case."

His answer is quick, laced with laughter around the edge. "People who die and come back to life are allowed to be basket case."

Harry lifts her hands to his lips and kisses her knuckles, all ten of them, one at a time and with great deliberation. By the time he gets to her pinkie, her hands are shaking and she's smiling. She loves these romantic gestures of his. Looking back at her lovingly he tries reassuring her.

"Ruth, I love you because you are who you are, moody, bonker, sweet, caring, beautiful and you kiss like a Goddess." Her hands still in his, he gently pulls her up with him as he stands.

Hugging her, he says playfully. "Here's what I suggest. Let's steal a set of wheels and go outside. The fresh air and the sun will do you good.

She hides her face against his chest, her head under his chin, her eyes closed as Harry tries to coax her out to look at him. "Come on Beautiful. We can sit down for a talk… or we could try to find people who look more miserable than you do. Would you like that?"

Still she doesn't move and he keeps on. "Ok, about this. We still go outside, but once there, I sit on the chair, you sit on my lap and we kiss each other senseless."

He feels her shake against him, she is giggling. "Mon chéri, you are so silly but I love you anyway. Let's go. Lead the way."

Her depressed mood is gone and she smiles around to fellow patients the whole way as they get to a grassy patch under a group of trees. They know the spot well, they've been here often, it's out of the way and allow them a bit of privacy, to snog like teenagers.

He makes her stand so he sits in the chair before pulling her onto his lap. She squirms against his chest, trying to get up. "Harry, stop that. Let me go. I don't want to make a spectacle of myself."

He chuckles. "How can you not, you are spectacular in whatever you do."

He kisses her slowly, softly. She loves the playful side she discovered in Harry. His smile is never far and she's witnessed looks of affections that made her wonder sometimes how it would be between them... intimately. She couldn't even say the damn word.

 _Sex Ruth… Sex! Sex! Sex! SEX! SEX! Damnit woman, three little letters you can't even say. Pathetic._

"Harry." She wiggles on lap as she feels his hardness under her and sees desire in his eyes. He mutters to her. "You better stop moving like that or I'll make a spectacle of myself… I'll have a spectacular…"

She quickly puts her fingers against his mouth to keep him from finishing his sentence. She has felt quite a few spectacles of his. In fact, almost every morning waking up in bed with him, she would feel his… and she knew perfectly well how spectacular he could be. Instantly, she stops moving and sit on his lap stiffly. Harry seized the opportunity, it's the perfect opening for what he's been wanting to ask her for weeks now.

"Ruth. We promise each other we would push one another. What's wrong? Why is it that every time, we get physical... when it gets heated, you pull away from me. What's been bothering you for the last few weeks?"

It is obvious, from the expression on her face that she didn't expect the question… not at that moment. She takes some time before coming out with her usual answer. "I'm fine Harry. You're imagining thing."

Harry's face fall and a frown appears with the tightening of his lips. His hurt shows in his eyes as he doesn't hide his emotions from her anymore. He hasn't for three weeks, not sure he could now…

She's gutted with guilt. She just hates herself for hurting him. His stiff voice takes her deeper in the guilt ridden hole she dug. "You know it's the first time you've lied to me… since you died. I thought we were done with lies."

If she could slap herself right now, she would. How can she lie to him when she had been the one insisting on total honesty? She leans against him, her arms circling his shoulders; she hides her face against his neck. Shivers go through her and he knows it's not for being cold.

In a tearful voice she admits. "I'm sorry Harry. I'm so sorry. I don't want to lie, but I can't answer you."

His arms tighten around her. "All you have to do is simply say you aren't ready. Please don't lie. It makes me feel like you don't trust me with your words, with your feelings…"

She interrupts him, driven by the need to reassure him. "No, Harry. I trust you, I swear I do. It's me I don't trust. "

"Tell me love. What's wrong?"

"I'll tell you but don't question me. It's so... personal... intimate. I'm not ready to tell you more than I can say right now. Is that ok?"

He smiled at her with loving eyes. "Yes it is… very ok."

She takes a moment to convince herself that she has to do it, to talk to him. "You see… tomorrow… and I've never… but I didn't… I'm not… oh! Bugger." She seems at a complete loss for words.

"Take your time Sweetheart. Breathe deeply and just say it. I find that if I don't try to put my words in order I don't end up censoring most of them. I just let the words out, it's easier that way."

She keeps her head against his chest; she can't look into his eyes. She is afraid of the judgment she might see in them.

"I'm not good… with men. Not good at sex. Here I said it."

Harry knew her self-esteem wasn't at par with her looks, one doesn't need to be a genius to see that but he didn't know the extent of her insecurities.

He kisses the crown of her head. "You'll have to elaborate. Why do you think that?"

"I don't think Harry. I know. I've been told." Her voice is hardly more than a whisper.

"What do you mean you've been told?" He says growling a little, a puzzled expression on his face.

"I've been told I am a frigid lay. Those were the exact words. I've also been told that I'm a dead... fuck."

She can see anger coming up on Harry's face. She doesn't give it time to swell and cups his face in her hands.

"Don't Harry, please. Don't be angry. I don't need your anger right now, I need your understanding."

Harry falls in the pool of her cerulean eyes and his anger melts. His expression change to one that announce the sharing of convictions.

"There are no such thing as a frigid woman only incompetent men."

 _Yes, Harry would think that. Harry Pearce, the competent in everything, self-assured in his masculinity, who I always imagined to be a great lover, would certainly think that._

"No… Harry. I know… I know from myself." She's hiding her face against his chest.

"Explain…" Harry couldn't imagine her being unresponsive. A touch, a kiss and he felt the rise of desire in her, so strong, overwhelming to him.

"Something… someone… When I was young, my first experience… it wasn't great. After that… the others… They were nice… but… The three lovers I had were... adequate. I wasn't."

Her mouth and her throat are so dry by now she can hardly speak. This is just so hard to explain… so humiliating.

"I do feel pleasure, but it never goes any further than the surface. I don't know how to explain it. I enjoy the kissing and the touching, but… intercourse… it's… I…. I don't get what the fuss is all about. So... most of the time… I've shown… more enjoyment than I felt." She looks at him expecting rejection from him.

Harry isn't prepared for such a statement "You mean you fake orgasms?"

She doesn't answer; her face turns a deep shade of red and she lowers her eyes to fix them on the button of his shirt before looking up at his face to answer him.

"Yes, that's what I do." With her eyes, she begs for his acceptance.

Harry is dumfounded. "But you have… you've had orgasms, haven't you?"

Ruth squishes her face in the crook of his neck, her face dark red as he could feel the heat of her cheek against his skin. She shakes her head letting a whining sound escape her lips.

To say Harry is speechless is an understatement of monumental proportions. "You mean... you've never... really never?"

Ruth's shakes her head again. He simply can't believe her. She has more to explain, so much more.

"How is it… possible. What the hell… How?"

She lifts her face to him. The guilt clearly in her expression showed that she felt like she's betrayed him for not admitting it earlier. Sex is important in a relationship; she felt should have mentioned that tidbit a long time ago…

"We're going home tomorrow… together… and with you Harry… with you. I don't want to... fake. I want the real thing with you. But I'm afraid to fail. So afraid... it paralyses me. It has made me push you away for years. All that time, I've been afraid that I would disappoint you."

Harry pulls her closer to him in a tight hug. "You could never do, Ruth. I love you too much. You… me… it's about so much more than sex."

"I know, mon coeur, but I want that too. I want it so much. I want to experience what I've read and heard in conversation with other women. I want the yearning, the heart pounding, the sweating, the climbing and the throes of passion. I want to feel each and every one of these sensations with you and find them with you… but what if I can't?"

He gently kisses her lips. "I have no doubt we will, together."

"But Chéri, I've seen the women you've been with, beautiful, glamorous and sexy."

"You are all of that, you're the most beautiful and sexiest woman I've ever met, and they never had my heart, beloved, never had my heart.

"Not even Elena."

Harry delicately pushes her head against his chest, over his heart. "Elena was a challenge that was her biggest appeal. I mean, to turn a Russian… Remember, she also used all the tricks in the books to bond me to her, to turn me. I know now, from what I feel for you, I never truly loved her. Hear my heart Ruth. Do you hear it say your name?"

They were silent for a few minutes, when Harry spoke again.

"You make me feel more pleasure from a single kiss than I ever had with her. I've had sex to satisfy the physical need more times than I can count. This is different. It's showing you how I feel, it's me loving you."

Harry can't resist holding her against his body. Her admission makes him want her with every fibre of his body. He wants to make love to her, be inside her and he wants to be the one to deliver that gift. He pulls away and looks deeply into her eyes, showing everything he feels, love and desire.

"I'm yours my beloved. Everything I am, everything I own or hold dear is yours Ruth."

Ruth is back at not looking at him. "Everything that our relationship entails... I mean we're talking about something of a more intimate nature. I… I don't know intimacy, what if I'm not good at it or if I can't be what you want. In the end I don't know how to act sexually." She nods her head a little like saying, here, I said it.

He never thought he'd hear her talk about something remotely sexual, he thought about it enough for both of them. He wanted her, now, right now, like his next breathe… so much his teeth hurt. Searching for his brain, which was nowhere in sight, he just opened his mouth and let words out.

"Euh! Yes it… would be nice… to be intimate."

Ruth straightened up looking at his face. "Just nice, Harry." Her eyes wide she challenges him to change his answer.

"Even I know that sex can be more than just nice. Do you expect me to lie on my back and think of the Queen while you have your way with me?"

"Of course not." Harry is outraged at the idea "That's preposterous." The thought of her… just waiting for him to be done, is just so disturbing. "I'd expect you to… participate." He says clearing his throat.

At that moment Harry realized something he would have never guessed. In a way he was just as inexperienced as she was. He is out of his league. His experience at discussing sex had been limited to contraception and blood testing. I'm safe, I'm clean, let's have sex. This was unchartered territory to him. He understood what she was saying but didn't have the dimmest idea how to respond. So he went with honesty and told her how he truly felt.

"I love you with all my heart Ruth and I want nothing more than to love you with my body. We do as little or as much as you want. This is us. Nothing is set. If you want wild monkey sex, I'm more than happy to oblige but if you want lights out, flannel night gown on, eyes closed, I'm also fine with that. You said it before. We love each other, it's that simple. Whatever way we want to express that love is what WE want."

"But I don't want satisfying sex." Ruth whispers her lips moving against his neck. She feels his body tense and the need to explain herself. "What I mean… It…" She pulls away from his chest and sits on his lap, as rigid and straight as a flag pole, her hands playing with the fold of her skirt, terribly interested in its fabric.

"As I said, I don't want to disappoint you but even more, I don't want to disappoint myself. Not knowing is better than failing."

"Disappoint yourself?" Harry lifts her face so she looks up to meet his eyes filled with confusion.

"I want to be… I don't know. I want to be good at it, real good… for me. I want to drive you insane with wanting me… for me. I've never been the type of woman who inspire desire from a man, not the desire I've imagined and I want that… very much… for me. I want to express my love for you sexually, hang from the chandelier, strip for you, play at sex with you… but I don't know if I can and I don't know if you'd accept that from me, if I would see disapproval in your eyes."

Harry's face turns serious… at least as serious as the hard on that came up with her words of striptease and games would allow.

"Ruth, sweetheart of mine, I'd be a very happy, satisfied and sated man if you were that way with me. There is no place for judgement between us. Don't even think about what I might think. I'd love anything from you because it comes from you."

"I don't want to censor myself with you and I'm getting better at not censoring my words, but sex is another ball game entirely. I'm really bad at it and I want to be so much better. I just don't know how to go about it. I'm lost at sea with no land in sight."

He takes her chin between his thumb and forefinger, making sure he has her undivided attention. "What if we take things slowly?"

A confused look is her answer, a reassuring smile his reply before brushing his thumb across her lower lips. He wants to kiss her like it was going out of fashion, like he is water and she is fire, like… like… he wants to kiss her a lot. He lassoed his brain into coming up with words.

"Tomorrow we go home… together. Let's discover one another physically… slowly… We explore the pleasure of being together. Would that be ok with you?"

"What do you mean?" She knows what he means but she wants him to set it in a frame of reference.

Harry makes her stand up and stands with her. He lowers her to sit on the chair before he squats in front of her, taking her hands in his.

"Let's go with the flow, as far as feels comfortable. Let's not define or analyse this, we don't put limits on what we do. I'm very happy with what we have right now. Let's kiss and touch and see where it leads. We'll literally feel our way through it. I promise you right now, intercourse is off the table until you ask me for it, but everything else is open season. Would you be ok with that?"

Ruth worries her bottom lips with her teeth. A gesture he finds arousing and distressing as it is a sure sign of Ruth's anxiety. "But won't you get angry... frustrated... when you… you know… when you… you… react."

"Ruth. Every single time I've slept with you, kissed you or touched you, I've reacted. I'm only a man and one very much in love. I get aroused and can't hide it. The stroke of your hand on any part of my body makes me hard. I will… react to and in your presence, but you can't worry about it. Free your body and for once in your life, do not think, decorticate, analyse or strategize. Let go beloved. Let go of the what if, what could, would or should be done, thought or felt. Enjoy the moment. I don't want you to even think about what it does to me. Do what feels good to you. If you want something from me just ask. I'll do the same. I promise. Everything can be asked and everything can be refused, without judgement or retaliation. Can you do that?"

Still unsure she asks him. "And you'd be ok with that?"

He pushes a strand of her hair behind her ear in a loving gesture. He loves her hair. They are longer now, so soft and silky. Bringing his mind back to their conversation he gave her a gentle smile.

"More than ok my love. Darling, I can take care of myself. I also don't want you to feel guilty for not... appeasing the need of my spectacular friend. You can befriend him, touch him if that's what you want, but it will not go any further until we are a 100% sure you're ready. I get pleasure from giving you pleasure, you have to believe that and accept what I want to give."

"I want that too… to give you pleasure. A single moan from you and I get aroused and it makes me feels incredible. I get so much pleasure from provoking that kind of answer from you. I feel powerful that I can bring you down to your knees. I know it's not like me to want power and powerful is not the exact word."

She's torturing the button of his shirt, uncertainty screaming from her body language. She's adorable, so cute he wants to crush her against him and kiss her until she can't think. Feeling the need for restraint he casually drops a kiss on the top of her head.

"What would be the exact word then my love."

She sighs as if what she's about to say is wishful thinking. "It's like I've told you before. I want to be the end all for you. I want to know that no other woman can satisfy you and pleasure you the way I do. That's very powerful. You are such a composed and controlled man on the outside, to think I have the power to make you lose your mind with desire, consumed with heat… it's dizzying to me. What if I can't do it, Harry? What if I don't satisfy you? What if you want more… or someone else?"

His heart is melting. He wishes he could find the men who made her doubt herself so much. He'd beat them to a pulp and satisfy the caveman within himself. His need came instinctively seeing her so insecure and sad made him hurt and wanting to destroy the source of that insecurity.

Harry grabs her shoulders between his hands and looks deeply into her eyes with a gentle reassuring smile.

"Until proven otherwise there is nothing I can say to make you lose your doubts in yourself. That being said, I assure you that I've never responded the way I respond to you. Your touch turns me on, your smile does to. The fact that we exist in the same time zone turns me on. Kissing you, touching you, holding you in my arms brings me pleasure I didn't know existed. I know what it is you want because I want the same thing. I want to be the end all for you. I might sound like a caveman, but I want you to be mine alone… MINE. You might hate me for this but I'm almost glad you never had orgasms before. I'll be the only one giving them to you. You'll be mine!"

Pearls of laughter came out of her. "You ARE a caveman, mon Coeur, but you're my caveman. MINE!"

Discussing orgasms brought a thought forward and he lost his smile. With a very serious look on his face and a stern voice he warns her.

"There's no way you're faking with me. I hope you know that. No faking Ruth. First of all I would know, you couldn't hide it from me. Second, it would be the worst of lies. The kind of lies that could destroy what we have."

Ruth hears the sincerity of his warning. "I would not even attempt faking with you Harry. I just couldn't. We promised each other honesty and I will not renege on my promise. Never I swear."

Harry stands up again satisfied that they are on the right track and have a contingency plan.

"Let yourself go Ruth and enjoy being with me. If I have a problem, I will tell you. I promise you, I will… I will be totally honest with you. Just meet me half way and allow yourself to experience that side of our love for one another. Will you my beloved?"

Oh… si tu savais comme je t'aime Harry Pearce. (Tr : if you knew how much I love you)

"You're doing it again Ruth." Harry makes her stand and pulls her hard against him. "You know what it does to me."

"And is it a bad thing that I know… or that it does?"

"Not at all, beloved, it's a good thing… a very good thing."

Their bodies curl together as they share a deep loving and intimate kiss. Standing under the trees, they don't notice the sun going down, allowing shadows to hide them to onlookers passing by.


	13. The meaning of secrets - chapter 13

**Thank you to all the reviewer. Your comments are the motivation the people telling the story need. Without an audience the performance isn't validated.**

 **M Warning - Some scenes are of a sexual nature.**

 **Chapter 13**

"I'm telling you Ruth. We have to do something about this. They are literally terrorizing poor Scarlet. I've seen them use guerrilla tactics from Che Guevarra's book. She's going to have a nervous breakdown."

Harry was standing in the middle of the living room, hands on his hips and a stern tone to his voice. Hiding her face between the pages of the book she was reading, Ruth did her best not to laugh out loud. He was glaring at Fidget who was now on the sofa licking himself and paying very little attention to Harry's raving, which was greatly insulting to the man.

"Harry…" Ruth didn't raise her eyes from her book knowing that if she looked at the outrage on the face of the love of her life, she would totally lose it. This was a recurring theme in their conversations. Harry ignored her interruption and kept on ranting.

"I'm serious. I've seen tactics less effective from CO19. Fidget is a master strategist." He started pacing pointing a finger at the culprit now busy liking his paw and brushing it against its face.

Ruth didn't take his outburst with much consideration knowing he just needed the distraction. "Harry…"

But he wasn't finished. He stopped in front of her, now pointing his finger at her as if she had mentored the cats on chasing methodologies. "And Muggles with its cute little whiskers and big green eyes… he's… he's… "

"Harry…" She tried yet again, taking her eyes off her book to look at him with a deep sigh.

"What?" He looked at her expecting her most sincere apologies on behalf of her cats.

Ruth has been home for a week now. It had been a glorious, filled with joy and love. They were home and happy. Home. The house was his but it was home to them. Living with Harry was nirvanesque. She loved him more every day, with every little things she discovered about him. The way he jumped out of bed in the morning ready to face the day while she was still trying to wake up. The way is sang off key in the shower, so adorable; the look on his face when he puffed and huffed with indignity as she would tell him he was trying to get one by her and it wasn't working. Just the cutest face on him. They teased, laughed and love together.

At this moment Harry was complaining about the cats' behaviour towards Scarlett. However they both knew that Scarlett had lost some weight and was a very happy dog.

"Harry, they are not master minds or masters of anything but the litter box. They are just cats…"

He couldn't stand that she wasn't taking the situation seriously. "But Love, I just can't stand looking at poor Scarlet and seeing them…"

"Then don't" She tells him in a gentle tone.

"Don't what?" He replies being his argumentative self.

"Don't look at them." She didn't care about the whole situation. Harry was being territorial and Scarlett was higher in the hierarchy of house pets, being a dog and his, but her cats didn't seem to have gotten the memo and that didn't go well in his order of things.

"That's all you intend to do, let your ninja cats abuse a poor little defenceless dog."

She knew too well what the problem was and it had nothing to do with cats and dogs and all to do with the fact that Harry was without a purpose.

"Harry, you're missing work and having something to do to keep you busy, so you distract yourself by seeing conspiracies and potential attacks… from OUR cats."

The 'you're cute and adorable' smile she gave him cut him in two. With that smile she made anger or insecurities vanished into thin air. It made him calmer, more centered. Every damn time.

"Ruth… you're looking at me like you look at Muggles when he's being cute. I'm serious." He was faking at being angry now.

"Mon Coeur, what can I say, you are sweet and delightfully adorable." She was trying to get his blood running, she knew those were challenging words.

"I AM NOT." Now he was huffing with all his might. "Can't you be serious for a minute. I'm the head of counter terrorism at MI-5. I don't do sweet." He stood over her, his chest out and his hands on his hips in a defying posture.

"But you are, pout and all… you're so adorable I want to squish you." She gave him the biggest, teeth showing, lips spread to the point of hurting smile.

She wished she could have taken a photo of Harry's face at that moment. He was gobsmacked, insulted and somewhat thrilled that she'd want to squish him. It was the strangest expression on his face and she had brought it up. She couldn't believe that this incredible man was hers.

He leaned over and kissed her, couldn't resist the call of her eyes.

"You're not playing fair, Sweetheart. How can I argue with you when you're smiling at me like I just gave you the world. It's very distracting you know.

She pulled him to her, kissing him, her hands playing with the hair grazing his neck.

 _He needs a hair cut, I wonder if he would let me cut them for him._

Harry pulled himself from the kiss, sat down on the sofa and had her on his lap in seconds.

They were relaxing and she thought it was time to breach a somewhat sensitive subject.

"Harry, I know you love me and I have no doubt about it... but..."

She gently took his face between her hands and kissed him gently, softly, with all the love she felt as if the kiss was sealing their heart together.

Before the kiss could lead anywhere, he pulled back from her embrace and gently pushed her head against his chest closing his eyes again. She felt safe within the circle of his arms, secure in his love.

"That I do." He whispered against her ear while softly rubbing her back.

She remembers her first day back, coming from the hospital with Harry, Graham, Catherine and Malcom had helped to bring all his and her things they had gathered in months spent there. It had been a fun day. They had dinner together, sitting around the table, constant teasing and telling of stories all the way around. Ruth loved whenever Harry's children came over. It was nice to feel like a family again. She hadn't had one in so long. After that first day, she had spent the week resting under Harry's watchful eye. She had not been allowed to do anything. It felt like he was afraid that without a doctor or a nurse next door she was going to fall apart.

More importantly, Harry hadn't kissed her properly. He had kissed the top of her head numerous times, her nose, her cheeks as well, her lips very chastely a few times and once her shoulder. She missed his kisses and he needed a distraction from the supposed jungle warfare going on with their pets.

Looking at him she lifted her arms to the back of his neck and pulled him to her. "Come closer Harry. I've got something to tell you."

He leaned over a little and she took his mouth with hers, brushing his lips with her tongue, grazing his tongue with her teeth, gently biting it while her hands went to his hair. After what she felt like a very short time, he pulled away yet again.

Ruth wasn't going to back away. Ruth pushed him gently against the back of the sofa and moved closer into his arms, her cheeks against his beating heart. Her hand started drawing little things on his chest while his finger, which could never stay still, started tapping along her neck and shoulder.

"Did you know that in ancient time, in some cultures, the belief was that when a couple kissed they would exchange a small part of their soul with every kiss." Her lips went to his throat. He was wearing a dark blue shirt, top three buttons undone and a pair of black jeans, low enough on his hips to make them entrancing and made his butt look so… so very good. Her fingers started undoing more buttons, her hands caressing the skin they uncovered.

Harry hoarse voice came up. "Ruth, what are you doing?"

"If you're asking then I'm not doing a very good job of it. I'm trying to seduce you Harry." The growing bulge in the front of his pants was telling her she was indeed doing a very good job. "You said I should do what I feel like doing. I feel like kissing you, here and now, mon Coeur.

He pulled away. "Isn't it time for your exercise. The physiotherapist was adamant about that. Your legs won't get better if you..."

She interrupted him by kissing him again. Harry was more than willing to indulge her but he was still cautious. "Ruth… are you sure. What if you're not well enough to… "

"Harry if we want to move forward you have to stop asking me if I'm sure every five minutes. I trust you and I know if I ask you to stop you will. I know you would never force yourself on me. You too have to let go. As for being well enough, I'm a grown woman, capable of making decisions for herself and her own wellbeing."

"I'm just not sure about this. You just came out of the hospital. What if…"

She put her hands on his cheek forcing him to look into her eyes she said with a smile "Mon Coeur, if you deny me, I'm going to be very disappointed, sad even depressed and positive thinking is essential to healing. You wouldn't want to impend my recovery now, would you Harry?"

While speaking, her fingers kept undoing the buttons of his shirt until they had free range of his chest. He grabbed them and pull away yet another time.

She couldn't stand, wouldn't stand for it. "Harry, seriously, you've got to stop this. If you keep this on, I'll end up believing you don't want me and I'll feel hurt." Her eyes told him more than her words that she was already hurting from his rejection.

Pulling her to him he embraced her tightly. "I'm so sorry my love. I never intended to hurt you. I'm sorry… I'm just afraid… I've been afraid… I can't lose you again. It hurts too much." His eyes were teary and she could still see how devastated he had been.

She lovingly circled his shoulders and kissed him lightly. "Mon Chéri, mon adoré, don't you see it hurts already. We have to move on from this. We have to claim our lives back. Don't hurt just be with me, in the moment. I want us to win and claim what should have been ours years ago. I want that very much."

She kneeled straddling him and leaned over him closing her eyes. Her lips on his lips were making it hard for him to think, let alone to speak as his brain was scrambled by his desire to never stop. Her tongue invaded his mouth, rolling against his, roaming and discovering his mouth, his lips… and still her fingers were playing havoc with his sanity. Her voice was throaty against his ears and her lips were now moving down along his neck and downward towards his chest. Her warm wet mouth found his nipples and as she nibbles on them, grazing her teeth on the hard little bud, her hands were going all over the upper part of his body. His shirt was gone he didn't know where… and had taken his control along with his capacity to think.

"Hells bells woman, you make me forget my name. I love you Ruth, more than I ever imagine possible. I want you, so badly. Every touch, your hands on me, your lips, they set me on fire."

His hand going through her hair pulling her mouth to his, pulling on her jumper divesting her of it and doing the same for her bra.

"Beloved, you are a Goddess, so beautiful. Your skin is like porcelain and your breast are perfect. I want to taste you, all of you."

"Kiss me Harry." She whispered her voice hushed with wanting him.

Not one to deny the love of his life, he crushed her against him and took her lips in a mind-blowing kiss. It had been a while for him and right now his biggest fear was ending the performance before the main character had even come into play. The feeling of her nipples brushing against his chest and stomach, all over. Hurling the blood from his brain to his penis, he felt himself throbbing with wanting her and he was getting harder with every little whimpering sound that crossed her lips. She was playing the role of temptress like she had written it. She bit one of his nipples just hard enough to elicit a moan from him.

"Bloody hell, Ruth. I'm going to come before I get out of my pants."

He moved her up until he was at face level with the most alluring breast he had ever seen. He kissed her along her collarbone tasting her, memorizing the texture of her skin with his lips. His mouth went down between her breasts and he got a whiff of her smell. She smelled of wild flowers and wind. Slowly he moved along, kissing and nibbling all over her chest being careful not to move onto her breasts as he had every intention of driving her so wild with desire that she would break apart at the first touch of his mouth on her nipples.

She grabbed his hair, her head backward and her eyes closed. She was so beautiful lost in pleasure. "Mon Coeur, please."

"My love… you're so beautiful, stunning. I want you so much I could cry." His lips went to her shoulders kissing and licking the skin going down unto her arm, to the palm of her hand while his hand was gently kneading her stomach.

She let out a whining moan telling him without words that this was torture. He stayed on course and discovered her skin with his mouth. He kissed every part of her chest until all that was left were the magnificent globes of nerves and flesh.

He took her left nipple in his mouth, trying to get as much as he could and rubbing his tongue over it, making it as wet as he could then sucking gently until he released it in a popping sound. He lifted his eyes to her face and almost whimpered. Only she could arouse him so much doing so little. Her head backwards, her eyes closed and her mouth slightly opened she looked like she was in a rapturous trance.

Harry knew he had to get his control back. His hand caressing her breasts gently, he took her down from the high he had created in her, his lips kissing her neck, pepperring kisses all over her face. After a while, they just sat on the sofa, enjoying each other's skin, warmth, knowing they had taken the first step in their physical relationship.

Harry, always the tactician, had set a plan and ultimate objective: to drive Ruth to the brink of insanity, to have her beg for more, up to the point where not being together would be a worse faith than death. He wanted their first time to be special, full of love and desire...

God he wanted her so very very much.

* * *

By the end of their second week home, Ruth felt stronger. Every afternoon was spent with the physiotherapist, who assured her she would regain complete use of her legs. She was still using the walker most of the time but they had tried to use a cane at the center and she was getting the hang of it. She expected she would walk unaided soon. He had also advised her to see a psychologist for the trauma, which she had done and it was helping.

She had session with Dr. Lisa Barnes twice a week, right before the physio session as they were in the same center. Most of their conversation had been about her relationship and how difficult it was for her to let go, to be the woman she wanted to be, she knew was inside her but never had the courage to become.

Ruth's identity had mostly been about her intelligence. That's what she was known for. Her insecurities about her looks had not been adress because her confidence in her intellect was never in question. She got by on her brain not her body. Dr. Barnes had discuss with her the root of her doubts and had suggested some exercise. She had one to do tonight and they would discuss it at their next session.

Tonight was the 'seduction under fire'. Ruth had to make herself unattractive and try to seduce Harry. Without him knowing that he was her test bunny.

Wearing pink flannel pyjamas she had bought for the sole purpose of the exercise, fluffy slippers in the shape of cats, which were adorable but not really sexy, her hair were tucked on the top of her head with a large black clip. She was on the sofa reading, waiting for Harry who was making cups of tea in the kitchen.

 _How do I get there? It's never been hard to turn Harry on, but I've never really done it with purpose. How do I turn him on looking like this?_

Harry came in the room, put the two cups on the table and leaned over her to take her lips in a gentle kiss.

She thought her best bet was simply to talk to the man. Talking about their love always concluded in sex. Would Dr. Barnes think that she made it too easy for herself?

Harry sat down beside her and took her on his lap. It was something he did without thinking. Whenever they were alone and sitting, he'd pick her up and put her on his lap, as if she weighed nothing, like she would do when petting her cat. He was petting her.

She could have been insulted to be treated like a pet, but she wasn't. It was his way of being with her. He wanted her close to him, under his hand. It reassured him, put him at peace knowing she was safe and he was available to give her whatever she might need. It brought a large smile to her lips, every time.

"Harry, can I ask you something? He kissed her hair and relaxed deeper against the back of the sofa. "Whatever you want my love, I have no secret for you."

She lifted herself to gaze into his eyes but they were closed. "I… I know you love me. I believe it, but what do you feel… for me."

He opened his eyes, his eyebrows set in a surprised frown. "Never one for easy question. What brought this up Ruth. I thought we were pass that." He breathed deeply and let the breath out into a sigh. "How can I put what I feel for you into words." His hand caressing her shoulders he took a few minutes to think before he spoke again.

"Stimulated interest and boundless curiosity, cognizance of how life with you would be, awareness of light chasing the darkness away, excitement when I touch you, delight when I see you, contentment, happiness, all of the above and much much more." He lean over her and kissed her forehead. "I never thought I would feel any of these emotions, to feel them all together is overwhelming sometimes."

"You… what do you feel for me." He asked as he kissed the tip of her nose.

"I can't name emotions but I can tell you how it feels." She waited a moment to let a thought gather and come out.

"Remember the tummy ache." He nodded as she went on with her eyes gazing deeply into his. "Sometimes, just seeing you or being in your arms, I feel a whoosh that comes up from my toe and down from my head to meet in the middle and make my stomach ache. I hear your voice and I shiver. I feel your lips on mine, my legs go weak and my mind swirls. When you come into a room, I know before I see you, it's an electrical current going through my body making the hair on the back of my neck straightening up and I know you are close by. Sometimes… when I'm not with you… sometimes… I think I made you up. Then I see you and I know I didn't… then I feel the whoosh invade my body and the ache joins it and the need to touch you, kiss you… be with you. It's… it's… It's the most wonderful and intense feeling."

He was moved to tears by her words. He never thought he could be love that way… that much. He doesn't deserve her love but he couldn't live without, now that he knows how it feels.

"I love you so bloody much Ruth that you take my breath away and make my heart stop."

He kissed her with everything he felt. Every single emotion, every iota of the love he felt went in that kiss and Ruth felt her body warmed up to the point of burning.

When he pulled away she could see all the desire he had for her in his darkened eyes.

"Take off your top, Ruth."

She was a little shocked. He had never been demanding with her, coaxing her into being with him physically. Her shyness had always won over the desire to show herself openly.

"I want to see you... see what's mine." He delivered the words tightly in a harsh voice that told her he was very close to losing control.

 _Wow... already!_

She moved to straddle him and very slowly she unbuttoned her top, one button at a time keeping her eyes on his. He was breathing hard and focused on the skin unveiling for him. She shrugged her shoulders letting the fabric slide along heer arms to fall on the floor behind.

Harry's gasp and the heat in his eyes made her nipples hardened and her breathe came out shallow and fast.

"Yours. You are such a caveman, my caveman."

He growled at her his hands going around her and crushing her bare breasts against his chest.

 _I made him growl. In my pyjamas, my hair a mess, stupid slippers... I made him growl. Yeah Dr. Barnes. If I can turn him on wearing the most unsexy clothes I own, then she's right, I have nothing to worry about... I can take care of my caveman, I can hold on to him._


	14. The meaning of secrets - chapter 14

**I need your reviews. They are the much needed barometer that says if I'm doing well... or not. I need to know one way or the other. Please review.**

 **Some parts of this chapter deserve an M rating. Please be aware.**

 **Chapter 14**

"Harry… you have to." Ruth insists softly.

"No I don't." Harry ripostes in a firm tone.

Ruth sighs, she recognizes the tone and appreciates that the battle is far from over. It has been a little over a month since she has come home from the hospital. Tomorrow is Monday and she wants Harry back at work. She mentioned it a couple of times over the last few days and every time he was adamant; it was out of the question.

Undeterred, Ruth patiently builds her argument. "You do. You've been off for months now; you have to go back sooner or later and sooner would be better… before there's nothing to go back to. I've talked to Tariq and Alec and according to them the guy replacing you is a nitwit…"

"I don't care, not my problem. You need me here Ruth." Harry is not swaying.

"You do care Harry; don't lie to me or to yourself." Her retort leaves no doubt as to her intention.

They are sitting at the kitchen table enjoying an after breakfast cup of coffee. Covering his hand with hers; she looks into his eyes and smiles. In the case of Harry Pierce the whole fly and honey thing works.

"I love you dearly, mon Coeur, but I don't need you to stay with me. I'm using a cane now and I'm coming along. I might walk funny and slowly, but I'm quite capable of taking care of myself. I'll be fine."

Harry doesn't want to hear about it. "No… what if you fall or you need someone to help you to the bedroom or…"

She gives him a disapproving look. "Harry, enough with the excuses; there's a perfectly good sofa in the living room if I need to lie down, I can feed and entertain myself during the day. Don't forget I'll be at the physiotherapist every day for half the day and you know how tired I get when I'm done exercising. I'll probably spend the rest of the time reading and snoozing."

"But Ruth…" He whines like a child not getting what he wants. This side of him was new to both of them. It was quite endearing but easily recognizable to have any real effect.

"And it's not as if I'm going to be alone. Tomorrow Graham is taking me to my place to get some things I need. He insisted that I'm not to lift a finger just like his father would. According to his plan, I'm just coming along to point at things he will carry."

"You've already decided I was going back, haven't you? You didn't even consider me going with you."

"Yes Harry, if for no other reason than to prove I can be left on my own. So whether you're at work or at home, I'm going with Graham tomorrow and you won't be joining us."

He waved a finger at her clearly stating this is not up for discussion. "I don't want you to lift a single thing. I will make sure Graham knows that. You are still convalescing."

Ruth keeps on going, totally ignoring his domineering tone. "Later this week Malcom is coming to spend the day and Catherine will be with me all of Wednesday."

She smiled at him. "Harry. Go in tomorrow, see how things are. We'll reassess tomorrow evening and if you don't want to go back again then you won't."

With squinting eyes he looks at her. "You planned this. You made sure there were people with you so that I'd have no arguments to counter your plan. You are devious my love."

Harry strikes at her defense with the 'little boy' pout, he knows she can't resist.

"Ruth…"

"Harry Pearce. You're not playing fair. You can't win that way."

He has the good sense to look embarrassed, which was even more charming. She knows to fight fire with fire.

"Mon amour, je t'aime à la folie et j'ai moi aussi une arme secrète. Alors cesse tout de suite de te conduire comme un gamin et va au boulot demain." (Tr. my love, I love you madly but I also have a secret weapon. So stop behaving like a petulant boy right now and go to work tomorrow.)

"I love when you speak French; your voice is so enticing, so soft and sexy. You know it distracts me and I can't refuse you anything?"

Ruth's smile broadens. "et en quoi est-ce un problème, mon cœur?" (Tr. and how is this a problem… sweetheart?)

Harry gets up from his chair and walks around the table to her side. He grasps her shoulders between his hands and pulls her up to him. "Say it again…" His head is leaning closer.

"Mon amour, je t'aime à la folie…"

She was cut short by his lips seizing hers in a passionate kiss. She is reeling with the hunger she feels coming from his lips. Her arms around his shoulders, he crushes her against his chest and deepens the kiss, letting his tongue explore her mouth, tasting her. Harry pulls away to look into her beautiful face, flushed, her lips swollen and her eyes full of stars.

"Well my love. If I'm to go to work tomorrow, we have a lot to do today, errands to run, things to plan. Come on beautiful, let's move!" He says before playfully slapping her backside and walking out of the kitchen.

"Hey!" Ruth sat back in the chair. A large grin still on her face, she took a sip of her coffee, pretty smug that she has gotten what she wanted, Harry is going back to work. She's going to miss him.

The last month has been heavenly and they were getting along famously. They both share plenty of common interests and enough opposites to make conversations interesting. To her surprise, living with Harry was easy. She expected to feel like a guest in his house, to have him set in his ways and her having to fit his lifestyle. Instead, she found a space ready for her to fill. He made her feel welcome, helped her transition with ease.

Their transition from friends and colleagues to being a couple had gone without a hitch. She discovered different sides to Harry but more surprising to her, she learned things about herself. The intimacy they shared had no equivalent in her experiences. Harry was the most thoughtful, loving, charming man she's ever met. The love she felt for him had grown exponentially.

She had discovered sides of him she didn't know existed and fell in love with Harry all over again.

He was a possesive caveman. He would check out men around her and glare at them whenever they showed too much interest. Yet when they would look at her, he'd be like a peacock. He'd have a smug smile on his face saying... 'yeah, she's with me... eat your heart out suckers.' That side of him had surprised her a little but not as much as the child in Harry. He literally played with her, tickling her, joking with her and role playing with her. When she mentionned this to him, Harry was just as surprise as she was. He told her he couldn't remember ever being this possessive or playful.

She'd also discovered that Harry was very… very touchy. He would touch her all the time, caress her for hours as if he needed to physically know she was there. He didn't care where it landed as long as he could plant kisses on her whenever he felt the urge and he felt it often.

He was having fun with her, with loving her and he made her happy every minute of every day.

They had taken the physical side of their relationship to unchartered territory. They were sleeping together every night, cuddling and caressing, at first tentatively, getting a little bolder every night. She never understood the whole sex is the better than… everything according to a general survey. Not for her. Sex was more like something for the man she dated.

But that was before sex with Harry. Every time he touched her, shyness would stay behind with her brain. The engulfing pleasure she felt had stopped her mind from analysing or trying to censor herself and to her disbelief she discovered she was a talkative lover. He had coaxed her into being a forthcoming participant, showing the delight he had of her hands roaming the extent of his chest, her lips kissing, nibbling his skin all over. With time, anything turned into pretext to touching and hugging.

They would snog waiting for toasts or the kettle. Going to bed and waking up were done with lots of kisses and touches. They would spend hours, lying on the sofa, him on his back with her on top of him, each focussed on their individual books, his hand running the length of her back, hers playing with his hair, resting on the nape of his neck. She loved his nape, a man's nape, thick, solid, perfect for her hand. Touching his body had become a pleasure and she had lost all awkwardness at touching him. She loved his touch on her skin, the way he made it sing with his hands going over it. She still have a hard time to let go of her doubt about her sexappeal but it was getting easier.

One morning, Harry had started the discussion on their physical relationship while she was gathering her clothes to go change in the bathroom.

"Ruth… would you… could you… if you don't mind." He was sitting on the bed, stuttering and not looking at her. Then inhaling deeply, Harry finally looked at her. "Ok… here it goes. I'd like for you to not hide from me. I want to look at you as you undress at night and dress in the morning and I want you to look at me doing the same."

Ruth's cheeks tinted crimson; she moved over to sit beside him on the bed.

"Look at me…" Harrry spoke to her in a gentle loving tone. "Yes, it is part of intimacy between two people and I think we have to get comfortable with one another as well as with our own body."

Ruth gave him a reassuring smile, she knew he was afraid of shocking her into putting a wall between them.

She was silent for a few minutes, considering and analysing what he was asking. For her to be nude in front of him, the thought of it made her uncomfortable. Then she remembered how far they've come and how rewarding it had been.

Shifting a little, she pushed her shoulders back as she made up her mind.

"I think I would like that. No... no. I know I would like if we could start undressing together. I want it."

Harry kissed her chastely and grabbed her hand in his.

"I'm so proud of you Ruth and so you know, you're not the only one with insecurities, Sweetheart. I'm an old man, in an old man's body, that has enough scars to make my chest look like a patchwork. What if you don't like what you see… what if you don't desire me."

Ruth hugged him against her side, pulling his head to leave a peck on his lips.

"I love you Harry. I could never not want you."

He didn't let her finish.

"But what if…" His hand playing with her finger he didn't look at her but she could see doubts on his face. She couldn't let him fear she didn't want him.

"I believe there's no time like the present."

She got up and started unbuttoning her pyjama top facing him. She blushed considerably and couldn't look at him.

 _I have to do this. If I want to achieve femme fatale status, I have to start somewhere. May as well be here and now. Come on Ruth. Grab your balls with both hands and just do it._

Harry felt himself getting hard by just looking at her hands unbuttoning her top. He leaned sideways on the bed, bending his arm at the elbow, holding his head on his hand. As all the buttons were off their holes, he couldn't keep a small moan from escaping. Hearing him, Ruth's head lifted to look at him.

He was the embodiment of male perfection. His body relaxed, the smile on his face, his eyes darkening with each of her movement, were all telling her that he wanted her... desperately.

 _Oh... those eyes will be the end of me. I would do anything for that look. God! I'm the one who brought that look on. What if..._

A bit more self-assured by his reaction, her need to cover herself lost to her need to reward his patience with her.

Her top open, she turned around and let one shoulder fall uncovering her skin. She then let the other side fall until the top of her pyjamas was in the middle of her back. She heard a groan coming from the bed. Turning around still keeping her top close in the front, she let her arms fall on her side and the top ended on the floor.

From the bulge distorting the front of his pants and the burning in his eyes, she knew he was enjoying her little show.

Turning once more, she took the bottom part of her pj and pulled it down to her mid thigh to let in fall on the floor.

Harry wasn't breating and turning a nice shade of red.

 _Breathing is an automatic respond, no need for me to tell him to breathe. His body would figure it out eventually._ She thought a smile spreading her lips.

Walking slowy across the room to get her bathrobe, she walked back to him.

"Did you want to shower first Harry. I don't mind waiting until you're done."

She was standing in front of him now, her robe on but she had kept herself from tying it. Not getting an answer from him, she spoke again as she wove a hand in front on his eyes.

"Harry?"

"Hmm… Yes… Ruth… did you say something." His eyes were fixed on her, going up and down her body.

Putting a finger under his chin, she made him lift his eyes to hers. She gave him a seductive smile, repeating her earlier question.

"Do you want to shower first or should I go."

Harry still had a dazed look on his face. He was utterly speechless and that made her smile… with satisfaction.

She turned around without a word to enter the bathroom. She felt like skipping. No point in waiting for his answer. Obviously he needed time to gather his thought.

 _God... For the first time in my life, I've rendered a man speechless... and not just any man. Harry Pearce. The man who's been with beautiful women, has the reputation to go along. I, Ruth Evershed, rendered him speechless and not with my intellect. Yeah... Ruth. You rock. You bloody rock!_

From then on they had not bothered with leaving their bedroom to change clothes and had enjoyed the new freedom tremendously.

One night, they had gone to bed and she had surprised him by taking her camisole off. His hands had moved tentatively to her breasts as if awed by a masterpiece. He kept telling her how much he loved her, how beautiful she was and how much he wanted her. He had kissed every bit of skin available to his lips before focusing on her breasts. When his lips had puckered to surround her nipple, the moan escaping her lips sounded foreign to her. She felt pleasure compelling her to arch her back and groan loudly at his ministration.

He kept on worshiping her breasts until she was lost in the pleasure, his name a mantra on her lips. He started to move his hand towards the top of her legs, but had felt her faintly tense up. Looking into her eyes, he had seen the beginning of a fearful look. He moved his hand back to her breasts, caressing them, massaging them, trying to bring her back in the moment and chase the guilt that had replace the fear in her mesmerizing blue eyes.

"It's ok my love. Don't think about it. Keep enjoying. I want you so much; I sometimes forget my promise to you… for a moment. If I don't stop fast enough, just hit me over the head, which should get my attention."

His humorous reply had had the desired effect. She crushed him against her, grateful not to have ruined the moment.

"Je t'aime, mon Coeur. I'm just not ready for more. I'm still afraid that I might be frigid with you too. I'm not ready for that answer yet."

Harry pushed her to her back, immobilizing her with his upper body, his eyes hard and angry.

"I never, never, ever, want to hear that word and your name in the me phrase. You are not frigid, will never be and I don't want to hear you belittle yourself that way. Do I make myself clear?"

Her big blue eyes looked at him like he was out of his mind. He pulled away from her and sat, his hand going through his hair, not looking at her.

"Christ, Ruth. Have you been in this relationship... How many times have you not respond to my kiss or touch. Not once, zéro, null, cero, nol. I have felt your nipples get hard against my tongue. I've smelled your arousal, felt your body arche against mine wanting more. Frigidity is not your problem."

He turned to her, still lying on her back totally shocked by his outburst.

"What infuriates me is that you believed them… those buffoon you were involved with. All these years, you believe it was your fault, you were the problem. That you think so little of yourself. God... Ruth, it drives me completely bunkers."

Moving his body to lie along hers, he kissed her, hard and deep.

"Ruth, I love you and I think the world of you. To see you doubting yourself like this... it does a number on me."

She lifted her hand to caress his loving face. She kiss him, with love and tenderness.

"I'm working on it Harry. I'll get there, I know I will. I just need a bit more time. You've been so patient with me that I feel I can't ask you to wait for me, but I still need time. I don't want to jeopardize what I have found with you by rushing into things."

He smiled at her, a gentle soothing smile.

"It's not about that Ruth. You can have all the time you need, eternity if you want it. I just wish you could see yourself the way I do. To hear you talk that way make my blood boil."

"Please Harry." She whispered taking his hands and placing them on her breasts. "Please touch me."

These eyes could cut him like nothing else. He gave up and focussed on the feeling of the plumpous skin under his hands.

It was enough for a moan to escape from her lips.

"Feel it, Sweetheart, feel how they swell in my hand. His hands roaming all over her, teasing her peaks into tight little buds. Her breasts were on fire and she wanted more.

"Harry… please."

"What Ruth… what do you want, tell me."

"Please… it's not enough and yet… suck on them… harder, please Harry."

He took her nipple between his lips, pulling on them slightly, squeezing them between his lips. He couldn't get enough of her. He made love to her breasts and she was aroused, much more then she had expected. His teeth, lips and fingers making her ache all over. After a while, Ruth arched her back, her head leaning backwards inviting his lips to her throat while his hands and fingers kept on caressing her nipples. She felt herself tense up, reaching a new plateau in pleasure and she moaned loudly.

"Harry!"

Harry's mouth was back on her breasts, taking it whole, his tongue rolling around the nipple within the warmth and the wetness… while his hand was on her other breasts pinching and gently twisting the tight bud between his finger. He was driving her insane with wanting more.

"Ahhh! Harry… b… bite… bite my nipple, suck it, anything… I… oh!"

He moved to the other breasts and sucked it between his tight lips, his hand on the other, now neglected, breasts, a bit harder, pinching, releasing, twisting. He spent a serious amount of time with his hand and his mouth all over her upper body. She was being driven to madness with pleasure, arching against him, offering her breasts to him. Harry wasn't fool enough to ingore such a gift.

"You're so unbelievably beautiful Ruth."

"So good… Harry! It feels so fucking good."

"I love your dirty mouth... you are such a treasure Ruth. My treasure, mine."

Her hands had not been idle while he was playing havoc with her body. She was grabbing at him like he was her lifeline in a sea of pleasure, scratching his back, teasing his nipples, rubbing her legs up and down his.

"God, Harry... I'm going to explode."

"Let go, beautiful, let go for me."

Letting go she did and felt a wave go through her body. She climaxed, feeling a rush of wetness pool between her legs, a testament to the pleasure she had received. She grabbed at his shoulders and dig her nails in overtaken with pleasure.

She felt her body calm down, her eyes sparkling and an expression of disbelief on her face.

"Wow… that was… I didn't think… could it… it is always…"

She felt him chuckled as his lips were kissing the skin between her breasts, taking her down slowly by keeping his lips on her chest.

"I… but… I mean, that's a mini orgasm, not as strong as a really… even though it looked strong… this is not unheard of… still…"

He laughed, one roaring belly laugh and fell back against his pillow. "Frigid my ass."

He rubbed his hand over his face. "You are without a doubt the sexiest and most sensual woman I've ever been with."

"I never thought it could be like this… it felt so good. I never thought breasts could feel this way. You must be some kind of sex genius, mon amour. It feels to me like you just invented sex for me, just for me."

"I love you Ruth… so… so much… I can't tell you the words… I'd have to invent new ones to tell you." He said kissing her temple as he embraced her.

She looked at him with a look of total adoration. "I love you Harry Pearce, more than life itself." Her head on his chest, she listened to the beautiful sound of his beating heart.

"RUTH?" Harry voice brought her back as he walked in the kitchen where she was still sitting, lost in her memories of the last few weeks.

"Sorry, I was miles away." Her glazed eyes and smile gave him a clue as to what she was thinking. He chooses not to question her on it and hopes for a pleasurable endeavour later that day.

He clears his throat before saying "I was just telling you I'm going to shower before we go for errands. Need anything before I go."

Ruth thought about it. There was still a lot of going forward to do. She could be more assertive… more wanton? She looked at him with a mischievous smile.

"Actually, you know what, I could use a shower myself and my arms not being a 100%, do you think you could offer me a hand to wash my back."

Harry was obviously surprised but exceedingly pleased with her offerings. Putting up both hands in front of him, he answered. "These are all yours, my love."

Half the morning was gone by the time they were back downstairs.

That night, sitting in bed, Ruth was waiting for Harry, who was preparing his clothes for his first day back.

He was lost in his thought, not really paying attention to the clothes he chose. He felt like he was abandoning her. He swore to himself that he would stay by her side until she had fully recovered. He had lost her once and didn't want to risk losing her again. He worried that if he wasn't with her and something happened, he could never forgive himself. He knew it to be unreasonable for him to constantly want her in his line of sight but he wasn't ready to let go yet. He remembered too well the darkness that came over him when she died and that made him cautious… obsessively so.

He is also worried about being back on the Grid. The shock to his body and soul, when he was told she was alive, broke something inside him. He wasn't sure he could put the mask back on as completely as he had before. The hiding of emotions, not showing his hand was part of what made him a good spook. What if getting Ruth back killed that part of him? What if he couldn't be ruthless or detached when need be. Being honest with himself, part of the reason he didn't want to go back to work just yet, was that he believed he might not be able to be as good at his job.

Losing Ruth, having her back, loving and living with her now, had changed him drastically.

He doesn't want the erratic schedule anymore; the 12, 14 even 16 hours days… He wants to enjoy life. He's never had that kind of happiness and comfort. He is afraid of losing it to the job. For years now, he's felt tired and weary of the work, but that was all he had, there was nothing else for him, so he had pushed on. Now his life has changed. He has a loving woman in his life, one he'd hope to marry one day. He wants days like the ones they have shared filled with laughter, love, peace, the simple enjoyment of each other's company…

"Harry?" Ruth has been looking at his back for a few minutes, has seen his shoulder stiffens, hand going through his hair, a familiar gesture she has seen numerous times, a sign of his troubled mind. "You're ok, mon Coeur."

He lays down the tie he is holding and turns to her. His first reaction would be to lie and say he's fine, but she would know.

"Just things I'd rather not talk about because I couldn't if I wanted to. You know… Things to make sense of and wrap my mind around. I'll talk about it when I figure it out a bit more. Do you mind?"

Ruth opens her arms, inviting him to her. "You know you can always talk to me if you need things figured out. I'm not pushing Harry, just offering. I can help. I'm told I'm a pretty good analyst."

He smiles, walking over and climbing in the bed. "The best I've ever met… probably the best in the country."

"I just want you to know I'm here if you need me. I'm happy you told me… take all the time you need, I'll be here when you've figured it out" Ruth cups his face with both her hands and kisses him before adding.

"Now enough of the gloomy mood. You're wearing too many clothes Mr. Pearce." Pointing at the shirt and pants he's still wearing. "Off… now."

"Aren't you a bossy little thing?" He replies while shucking his pants and making his shirt fly across the room.

"Je t'aime, mon amour. Maintenant tais-toi et embrasse moi pour me faire oublier combien tu me manqueras demain." (Tr. I love you, my love. Now shut up and kiss me to make me forget how much I'm going to miss you tomorrow.)

She pulls him on top of her, taking his lips in a branding kiss, her hands running through his hair.

After time spent discovering their bodies through gentle caress, they fell asleep like they did every night, spooned together, their slow breathing a sign of the peace they brought each other.


	15. The meaning of secrets - chapter 15

**WARNING - M rated for ending scene**

I'm so sorry for not posting for a week… but I went back to the hospital and they kept me. I'm back home now and I should be fine going forward.

It may sound strange but sometimes some words are easier to say in a language that is not yours. I think that Ruth speaking French to Harry has something of that. For Harry it is because her voice is different, the tone and the rhythm of the words are different, to him any words would be arousing coming from her when she uses that voice and that tone. French is also very lyrical which might appeal to both

Reviews are like a drug and I need a fix. Please… please… I'm begging here! lol

 **Chapter 15**

"Good Morning Sir Harry. Nice to have you back."

"Morning Samuel. Nice to be back. How are the grandkids?" Harry asks as the guard checked the spooks' ID.

"They are growing like weeds, Sir. Thank you for asking. Have a good day, Sir."

"Thank you Samuel. Same to you."

Harry goes through and moves towards the elevator. The guard eyes are following him seeing a different man.

 _Whatever happened to Harry Pearce to make him lose his somber and aggravated look? He should keep it up; he looks better, kind of younger._

Harry steps onto the elevator feeling the excitement coursing through his body. During the months he's been away he had forgotten the feeling. In fact, now that he thought about it, he hasn't felt it for much longer, maybe two, three years… maybe more. He remembers his beginnings, the first time he stepped through the main door of Thames House, he had felt excitement, a pleasant nervousness growing inside and the excited anticipation of not knowing what was going to happen. Later, he had felt the validation that making a difference gave his life. Now he said the words about duty and saving lives, but he didn't feel them as much, they had felt somewhat emptier, more a habit then a heartfelt statement. The last two or three years hadn't been much more than a burden on his shoulder. He had felt weary and battle tired. All the people that he lost, the betrayals, they were twirling in his mind intertwined with the hurt he felt.

Today felt different. He felt rejuvenated, as if it was his first day all over again, feeling the thrill, the adrenaline rush inside him. That excited energy that had gone and he had sourly missed from his work days was back. Rubbing his hands together, he is ready and he hasn't felt this good about coming into work in a long time. Today was going to be a really good day.

Harry was all around happy… at work and his personal life. That was Ruth being part of his life… happiness.

Getting off the elevator and walking through the pods, he noticed the Grid already buzzing with activities. He wasn't as early as he would normally be, but he had thought of giving his replacement a bit of time to pack before he would kick his ass to the curb. The idiot wasn't even in yet.

"Harry! You're back." Tariq said as he steps from behind his desk and comes towards Harry.

Harry slaps the younger man's shoulder. "I see you haven't lost your uncanny sense of observation Tariq. We'll make a spook out of you yet."

Hearing Harry's voice, Calum comes over.

 _Hum… the man has changed for the better. Papa Bear looks happy._

Erin walked in, coming out of the kitchen, a cup of tea in her hand. "Oh! Harry. Welcome back. How are you?"

"I'm fine thank you Erin. How are things here? Can you call a meeting in… let's say 30 minutes so you can update me on everything that has happened in the last months?"

"Very well." Erin turns around looking over the Grid. "Ok everyone, 30 minutes, meeting room. Alec, I haven't seen Beth, call her and tell her she better be here in… 20. Dimitri, could you please get Sally from the Registry and tell her to bring the analysis she did on the bomb threat we had at the Iranian embassy last week." It was her best report so far… that should impress or at least pacify Harry.

While giving orders, her eyes stayed on her boss who was walking into his office.

 _He's changed. He looks 10 years younger, he's lost weight and he has a spring in his step. I wonder what Ruth is doing to him. He has a different energy about him, excited and thrilled. He doesn't look his usual moody and grumpy self. I like this improved Harry._

She crossed her fingers "Here's hoping she'll keep on doing it." She mutters to herself.

Harry enters his office to total chaos. Files scattered all over his desk, papers everywhere and dirty cups on the table by the sofa…

 _Some people think lots of papers around make them look busy. It just make them look unorganized, inefficient and incompetent._

He sat down, picked up the phone and dialed the DG. He is connected right away.

"Ah! Harry. Good Morning. Nice of you to warn us of your return. Had I known you were back today, I would have sent a basket of muffins or would you have preferred croissants?"

"Good Morning to you, Sir. No need for a welcome wagon. If you don't mind, I'd appreciate a cleaning crew for my office. Could you please send my replacement on his way?"

"So, you're back for good then." He knew Harry's circumstances, what the man had gone through. He needed to know what Harry's intents were.

"Yes Sir, ready and willing to serve." Harry offers as reassurance.

The DG could hear eagerness in the Head of Section D's voice, one he hasn't heard in a long time from Harry. "You sound happy to be back Harry."

"I am Sir. Very happy to be back." And for the first time in a long time Harry really meant the words.

"Good… Harry." Unknown to Harry, the DG crossed his fingers hoping Harry will keep his good disposition. "Give Ted the morning to clean his desk and the office is all yours again."

"Very well Sir. I'll be in the briefing room with my team if he wants to say his goodbyes."

"Very good. Let's meet this afternoon so we can discuss what has happened during your time off. By the way, how's Ruth. Towers misses his Security advisor and her analytical mind. He hasn't been able to replace her. Nobody can or knows how to do what she does. Her intel is unparalleled and she has the knack to go to the core of thing… whether it's a subject matter or a foreign country's computer system."

"She's doing fine, Sir. Walking is still a bit shaky but it seem to be the only after effect of the stabbing and the coma and she's improving every day."

"She's a very lucky woman. It could have been so much worse." The DG sounded reflective.

Harry's response was instantaneous. "I thank God every day that it wasn't."

"I do to Harry." Harry hears a muffled voice coming from behind the man's voice. "Sorry, I have to let you go, PM's on the line. See you this afternoon, 4:00" and he hangs up.

Moving from his office, Harry went to the meeting room to wait for his staff. Looking at his watch, he saw he had another 15 minutes before his team would come it. He picked up his phone and hit the speed dial and waited for the answer that came after two rings.

"Harry… honestly. You haven't been gone an hour and you're already checking on me."

He could hear a bit of irritation in her voice. "Is that a way of greeting the man who loves you more than he thought possible."

"and flattery will lead you… nowhere." Her voice says otherwise. She is melting and he knows it.

"I'm not checking on you love, I just want to hear your voice. I miss you." Harry whispers, looking up to make sure the door is closed.

"Oh… Mon Coeur. You are so sweet, so loveable sometimes." Ruth replies softly. For a moment neither talk lost in the feeling of gentleness they both feel. Ruth is first to pull out of the bubble. "Harry, I have to finish getting ready, I'm running late, Graham will be here any minutes. I have to go. See you tonight?"

"Yes, my love. I should be home between 6:30, 7:00."

"I'll count the hours. I miss you too, mon Coeur."

"Be careful and do not… I mean it… Do not lift, carry or move anything. Let Graham do it."

"I promise Harry. Sorry, I really I have to go love. I'm going to be late. Love you, Harry"

"Ok… ok… go!" and before Ruth could hang up Harry added. "Oh and Ruth. I'd like to have a shower when I come in tonight and I'm counting on you to wash my back. Just thought I'd tell you now. Love you too, beautiful."

He hangs up but not before he hears her laugh and say. "Harry Pearce… you unsuff… "

God this woman. He shouldn't have called her. Now he kept thinking about her… about tonight… which moved his mind to the day before. They had showered together for the first time. Harry's smile got bigger remembering. Her naked form had bewitched him with its curve, the perfection of her skin… she was the type of woman; men wanted to paint or write about. Harry had kept himself under control, his touch light and caressing. To him it was all about her getting use to his body to be truly comfortable with him. She was everything he had dreamed of and more. She needed time and he was only too happy to give her that time. Mentioning he wanted to renew the experience tonight would make her anticipate and imagine what might happen. Ruth was blessed with a very vivid imagination and who knew where it might lead them.

The door opened and Tariq followed closely by Calum came in. Harry was grateful the table could hide his erection. He shouldn't have let his mind wander like that… but he couldn't feel bad. He felt even better than before.

"Yes Gentlemen. Please, do sit down."

Once all the team members dispensed with their welcoming words to Harry, they started to review the events of the last few months.

 _Yes, it's going to be a good day._

* * *

Hey, beautiful. I'm home."

 _God I love saying these words._

Harry hears voices coming from the kitchen. Hanging his coat and dropping his keys on the table by the door, he follows the sounds.

Graham is sitting at the kitchen table, nursing a cup of tea while Ruth is at the counter cutting vegetables, her walking stick leaning against the counter. It was his gift to her, a very stylish and lady like cane. According to the physio therapist a few more months and she's be able to walk without aid.

He walks up to her and embraces her from behind and dropping a kiss on her neck. She twists around within the circle of his arms and kisses him soundly before speaking.

"Bonsoir, mon coeur. How was your first day back?"

Graham took the scene in and thought this was a side of his father he liked. He couldn't remember his dad acting like that with his mom, but then again their marriage was on the downhill before he was born.

"Better than I thought. No emergency or crises, so I had time to pick up on everything I missed. Overall, it was a good day." Harry pulls away from her to greet Graham as she goes back to her vegetables.

"Hello Son." Harry squeezes Graham's shoulder while the young man returns the gesture on his father's wrist.

Ruth from her post notices the motion. They were such guys with a guy routine. Hugs and kisses were for Ruth and Catherine as sole recipient of affectionate display. They were men and as such it was either a slap on the back or the shoulder, a squeezing of arm or wrist like now.

"Hello Dad. Your charming girlfriend invited me over for dinner. So you'll have to suffer my presence… preferably in silence."

Harry's chuckles, noticing the glint in Graham's eyes. Harry has noticed that lately their conversations were often bundled in a give-and-take of humorous put downs.

"What can I say…" Pointing at Ruth. "I want her happy and she seems to like you. I guess I'll have to live with the misery your presence brings every time you visit." Harry lifts his hand to his forehead faking despair. "Oh… the sacrifice I make for love."

Graham laughs boisterously. "Such enthusiasm should not go unrewarded. I'll stay for the evening. We can watch a movie, the three of us… tucked on the sofa."

Harry growls but before he can riposte, Ruth, who is also laughing, puts an end to the retaliation. "Why don't the two of you make yourself useful and set the table."

Harry and Graham start moving around the kitchen still jabbing one another. "I like Ruth Dad. Maybe I should try and make a move for her."

"You wouldn't stand a chance son. She has taste… obviously as she chose me." Harry chuckled at his own joke. "She's also very intelligent, so there would be no hope, for her, to be intellectually stimulated by you, my boy."

Graham isn't finished yet. "I have youth on my side and I'm fun, not like a certain old grumpy spook I won't name."

Harry's laugh filled the room. Ruth turns around instantly. She loves hearing and seeing him laugh out loud, it is such a happy sound; he looks so young, alive and sexy as hell.

 _God! How I love this man. He's so god damn sexy. I want him…_

She stopped her thoughts to pay attention to Harry's reply. Harry and Graham were always entertaining. "I have experience and know how on mine… and…"

He's interrupted by Ruth voice…

"He's fun… a whole variety of fun… most of all… my kind of fun." She stops chopping, dropping the knife she is holding, she lifts her hand to cover her mouth turning her head to the two men. "Oops… did that just come out."

Surprised, Graham looks at his father, speculating how much fun he could be. Harry moves to her and kisses her neck while his hands are circling her waist to rest on her stomach. "You do marvels for my ego, beloved." Whispering for her ears only. "We'll see about fun later… Remember, I need a hand with my back."

Ruth's cheeks turn bright red. "Harry… behave. We have a guest. Why don't you both go to the living room? I'm almost done. Dinner will be ready in about 30 minutes.

They enjoy their dinner. The domesticity of the setting isn't lost on any of them. To Graham it feels like the kind of family dinners he doesn't remember having often. To Ruth and Harry, it is a sense of belonging… of family, like one more check on their wish list.

After dinner Harry and Graham are trying to talk Ruth into sitting down. The frown Harry has on his face means they are not discussing this; she is doing as she is told.

"Ruth you go to the sofa and you put your feet up, this minute."

"But Harry…"

"Don't even think about winning this argument Ruth. You had 3 hours with the physio and then you went to your apartment to get your things, brought them back here, unpacked, went to the store for grocery and made supper."

"But Harry…"

"And she wasn't on her best behavior." Graham adds, looking at his father, who is appallingly waiting for what is to come next.

"Honestly Dad, I think she's more stubborn than you are." Graham's hand went through his hair, a gesture so much like the one his father did all the time. "I can't believe I just said that, but it's true."

Harry gives a look of frustration to the culprit sipping a cup of tea as they are clearing table. Graham adds on.

"I had to physically sit her down. She was trying to move boxes while holding on to her cane."

Ruth pulls her tongue out at the young man. "You… Snitch."

Harry turns to Ruth sighing. "Ruth… you promise you wouldn't."

"I know Harry, but I felt useless and your son is not my personal slave, I couldn't let him do everything for me."

Harry's face is showing signs of absolute vexation, a pinch of anger and a whole lot of bafflement. "What am I going to do with you old mule? The insult is delivered with such affection; it brings a smile to Ruth and Harry.

They hear cackles coming from Graham. "old mule, Dad…"

"Graham!" Ruth says in a stern voice. "If you value your life and a relationship with your step mother, you will NOT, EVER, under NO circumstances, use that word in reference to me. Am I clear?"

Graham gets a look from Harry that means he better take the warning seriously or he will also have to deal with his father. The warning however, is alleviated by the large happy smiles both men display. For the first time Ruth has used the term step-mother in reference to herself. Graham is happy that she sees him as her family. It makes him feel warm inside. To Harry, it means she sees their relationship in the long term and somewhat she pictures herself as his children step-mother, a rather official title and not that far from seeing herself as his wife.

They are both looking at her, while she is still waiting for an answer from Graham acknowledging her warning. "Yes ma'am. I won't." Graham sees Ruth relax a little and decides to reel her in a little.

"While we're on the subject Ruth, what should I call you? Mum the second, wicked step mother, Mommy the sequel."

Ruth snickers before answering. "I'm too young or you're too old for the mum thing. Ruth will do nicely, thank you."

They forget about sending her to the living room and she stays in the kitchen, enjoying the company and relaxing while her two favorite men are chatting away and cleaning the kitchen. Graham leaves just before 9:00 o'clock. Ruth has had an exhausting day, so with Harry's help she goes to bed to lie down and rest her legs. Around 10 o'clock, he comes into the bedroom to get ready for the next day and starts to undress.

"I'm going to shower, Ruth…" She raises her eyes from her book and looks at him. To her, he sounds nervous… hesitant, his shoulders are slightly tense.

 _How can he still be insecure with me? Why does he feel the need to step backwards instead of forwards? Sometimes I know what he thinks as if they were my thoughts; at other times he's a complete mystery to me._

Ruth knows he doesn't want to push her, he's still afraid she going to pull away.

"Do you still need help with your back, mon amour." Harry looks at her with an open heart, all the love he feels in his eyes. Faintly stumbling on the words, he replies. "If you're not… too tired. You had a long day. I understand…"

"Yes you're right. I had a long day and I'm exhausted. My legs are bothering me a little." She notices the disappointment he tries to hide. "That's even more reason to shower together. I need a shower too and I don't feel very secure on my legs."

She feels comfortable using the excuse as it isn't a total lie. She might have overdone it a bit, her legs felt like dead weight.

Harry has undress and the picture he gives her… in his birthday suit, eyebrows meeting his receding hairline, the look of a little boy on Christmas morning, is priceless. She has to keep herself from laughing.

Her answer moves him into action. He walks to her side of the bed and pulls her up, his arm around her waist, taking most of the weight off her legs.

"I'll help you; we'll just do this slowly."

They enter the bathroom; he turns the shower on and starts undressing her. She knows Harry has been taking care of his needs. She wants to change that… to do that for him… to give him pleasure from her touch. She has never allowed herself to explore a man's body in that way.

The day before had been a revealing experience. She had enjoyed showering with him and wanted to go further this night. After his request, that morning, for a shower together, she had spent the day thinking about how it could be, how she could bring him pleasure.

Harry moves closer to her and his hand on her waist brings her back to the present time. He helps her step in the shower stall, ready to lift her, should her legs give way. She grabs his shower gel and starts rubbing his magnificent body, appreciating the weight he lost and the muscles that were now more prominent.

 _He's so beautiful, so sexy… and he's mine_.

Once her convalescing was over, with the doctor's approval, maybe they could train together… pick up jogging. She was never a strong one for exercising, but looking at his body now was enough advertisement for it.

Her hands are going over his body, soaping his chest, caressing the sinewy of his arms, kissing here and there. She learns every single inch of him through her hands. Harry's eyes are focused on her. He just holds her gently, letting her set the pace. She nips her bottom lips before wetting them with the tip of her tongue. It's an unconscious thing but it's such a turn on to him. She lower her head and he feels her tense up.

"What's wrong Ruth?"

She looks up to him, her eyes darker, almost cobalt blue, he can see desire awaking in them.

"I've wanted to ask you. Harry… I know… you know… that you know… so I'd know…"

He gave her a loving smile before saying. "Ruth, relax… take a deep breath."

She does as he says. "Harry, I know… you masturbate… when… you know… you get hot and bothered."

Her fingers are twirling the hair over his chest in an infinitely girlish way that makes his heart swell with tenderness. "Yes my love, I do. I can't stop feeling aroused around you. I'm sorry if it bothers you."

"No… never mon Coeur. It doesn't bother me. Not at all. I like that I have that effect on you. It's just… maybe I could…" Deciding on taking the plunge Ruth let the words roll out of her mouth. "I'd like to do that for you, if you don't mind. I'd like to make you… take you… to completion. That is if you'd want me too."

Harry embraced her in a clinging hug. "You dare ask. Haven't I proven how much I want you? I've only ever wanted to touch you and be touched by you."

"You'll need to tell me how. I'm not… I've… before."

"I will I promise. I want this new experience between the two of us, something to remember with fondness… something we share." Harry says the last few words with an inquiring look. She understands what he means.

Darting her tongue, she licks his nipples while her hands enjoy the journey to his hard member. Harry falls backwards against the wall, eyes closed, mouth slightly opened. She rubs her breasts against him, squeezing him between her hands, moving along his length. It felt like the reputed iron fist in a velvet glove, so hard and yet so incredibly soft. She had never felt such soft skin, like silk. She understands better what he meant, that giving pleasure is pleasurable. The feeling of him growing in her hand is a pleasurable discovery, like she has the power to excite him and there was nothing he could do about it. He is at her mercy and that made her feel very feminine, very sexy. He is guiding with his, showing her how he likes to be touch.

Not able to keep his hands to himself, Harry's hand slowly go up to her breasts gently rubbing and kneading them, pinching the nipples in sync with her hand movements.

Her voice is hoarse, guttural… "Mon amour. Laisse-moi t'aimer, Mon Coeur." (Tr. My love. Let me love you, my heart.)

Harry doesn't really notice the words she's saying because her hands are playing with his body and his mind like she own them. She is moving her hand over him while kissing and licking his chest, his neck, grazing her teeth on his nipple. He can't think even less grasp words in a foreign language, but her voice is sexy as hell. He just can't resist the overwhelming surge of pleasure that goes through him.

"Tighter Ruth, squeeze a little harder love. This feels so good, so incredibly good. I won't last long."

She is kissing his throat now, her hand clasping his manhood while the other cups his testicles making his hips move forward. He feels the pleasure building in his spine and coming forward. Her lips run along his neck going up to his lips in a tormenting kiss. He is the fervent victim to her torturous sensuality.

"God woman, you'll take me to an early grave." His rasps as her hand twisted up and down on his shaft her thumb running over the top in a circle spreading the wetness of the drops appearing on the tip.

Ruth lips go up to his ear, nibbling on the lobe, her wet lips enticing him.

"Death by orgasm... hum... that's the way I want to die... when I'm 102 years old. I want to have sex with you even when I'm old and wrinkly."

Her words, her hands... Harry is lost to everything that wasn't her.

"Too good Ruth… too much. I'm not going to last." Harry is leaning against the tiled wall, his eyes closed, moaning his pleasure, whispering her name while his hips are moving back and forth moving between her warm hands.

"Let go, my love. Come for me, I want to feel you come in my hand… I want to see you come."

That is the end of him. He can't resist her. He wants to give her all she wants. "My God, Ruth. This feels so bloody good… I'm coming… yes now… I can't… oh!"

His back arching, he grabbed her hand and slows it making the toe curling pleasure last longer.

When they finally got in bed that night, they weren't wearing any clothes. Skin against skin, their whispered words of love slowly rocking them in a dream filled sleep of each other.


	16. The meaning of secrets - chapter 16

**WARNING - M rated for**

 **I'm stuck at home having nothing to do but rest, so I thought may as well post a second chapter today.**

 **This chapter has a little bit of sex and quite a bit of fluff… I just to enjoy the growing relationship between Harry and Ruth. I'm letting myself see them the way I wish the serie had showed them.**

 **Your reviews are appreciated. Please enjoy.**

 **Chapter 16**

Harry wakes up. It's still early and contrary to his habit he basks in the warmth under the blankets. Eyes closed, his body totally relax, he reflects on his life. It's is so good, unbelievably amazing right now. He's in bed with the love of his life… his soulmate. He's blissfully happy and he owes it all to the woman in his arms. They have been together for three months now and life couldn't be better. She's improving every day and is almost back to her former self.

Looking down at their bodies tightly spooned together, her back against his chest, her head is resting on his shoulder, her neck and shoulder displayed for his lips. His hand has captured one of her breast and keeps it confined under his palm. His brain decides to go along with his body and not think about work, the time it is or whatever else might have been important a moment ago. His body and his brain are single-mindedly focused on the body lying against his.

She is exquisite. Her skin pale and soft, her face relaxed in sleep. His eyes follow her neck line down to the gentle swell of her breasts… the curvature of her waist… her hips. He feels himself swell against the rounded curve of her buttocks and he moves to tuck himself a little closer to her. His lips let go of a small groan on behalf of his appreciative body and his ears catches the sigh coming from her… a long, soft, sleepy sigh that arouses him even more. The morning show is about to start.

One of the things he loved, almost more than he loves her, is waking up to her. Not really a morning person, she never wakes rapidly. Not like him who jumps out of bed at the first sound of the alarm, totally awake. She had mentioned on several occasions that it was unnatural to wake up that fast. She's steadily curing him of that habit.

Ruth wakes up slowly, very slowly… as if done with great deliberation. She sighs and exhales slowly and starts with stretching her toes, wiggling them a little. From toe wiggling then her fingers starts moving as if plucking the string of a violin. This lasts less than a minute before her body stops moving all together. That is the first part of her show. He likes the show; he is spellbound by it, as much now as he was the first time he had the privilege to witness it.

 _Lucky for me! The men in her life were idiots. She exudes sensuality from every pores of her skin. How can anyone think of her as being frigid?_

He still doesn't comprehend that part of her story. But now isn't the time to figure it out; he doesn't want to miss the main act.

Like a cat lazing in the sun, she bends and curves her body into a single long stretch. A, arms extending, toes pointing, back arching, breasts thrusting, nipples jutting… stretch. She softly inhales one long breath, hold it for 10 or 20 seconds then she exhales just as softly and let go, her body slowly going back to its original position, her eyes still closed, her face devoid of expression, but her mouth adorning a sensual smile. It is like looking at a slowly building, softly dying orgasm.

This gets him hard every morning. It is, without the shadow of a doubt, the most erotic sight he has ever seen and he is resolutely sure, he will ever see. Every single morning she does it and every single morning, without fail, he wants to be inside her to feel it from within.

One time, after she had gone to shower, he had tried it himself; just to know how it felt. It had felt good, but not nearly as good as it looked for her. The fact that he tried had made him feel absurd but he wanted to know everything about her, even how waking up felt to her. He didn't think she knew the extent of the power she had over him.

So here they are, greeting the first moment of the day, Harry overcome by the yearning taking over his body, completely bewitched and captivated by her, while she hasn't opened her eyes yet.

"Bon matin, mon coeur." Ruth's first word of the morning is the call of angels. Her voice melodious and soft… thoroughly enrapturing. That is the signal of the third and last part of her show.

Almost every morning found them spooned together. Their bodies would naturally gravitate to one another in sleep. Upon waking up, he would enjoy the first and second part of the show. Then he'd wait. The third part would sometimes be delayed as she would go back to sleep. Most of the time she keeps on waking up and gives her morning greeting to him, almost always: bon matin mon Coeur.

She raises her hand, moves it to his neck and pulls his head in the crook between her shoulder and her neck. His reaction is invariably the same; he starts kissing whatever part of her closest to his lips. She makes these little humming sounds of pleasure and starts swaying slowly. This is what he lives for; these are the last sound he wants to hear before he dies.

Her backside moving against his stomach and his now hardened member, she moves her hand everywhere she can touch on his body without moving hers. The humming turns into sighing as his hand caresses her breasts, her stomach, coming up to catch her throat in his palm.

Every morning, this morning being no different, it takes everything in him, all his extensive control, not to enter her from behind and make her his, to become an extension of her.

She moves slowly, slithering against him, both arms reaching to circle his neck, driving her breasts into his hands. He obliges her and starts gently massaging them, lightly plucking her nipples, at the same time, kissing her neck, sucking her ear lobe. She moves her neck to allow him better access and still her eyes aren't open. His hands roam along her body, caressing her thighs, her hips, her soft and inviting skin. Her hand goes around to his butt and pulls him closer to her, wanting the intimate contact. Then she starts purring, an honest to God purr…

"Kitten… you awake." He asks to make sure that his next touch is welcome.

"Hum…" is all the answer he gets from her.

He's dying to feel the silky wet skin between her legs. His hand moves between and brushes against the curls, softly caressing, squeezing her mound. She exhales a moan. Her hand moves from his buttocks to his shaft, fisting her hand around it, she strokes his length deliberately slowly. It's his turn to moan. He needs to see her eyes in pleasure. He moves her flat onto her back at his side. He can't wait… His lips move to her breasts, taking as much as he can in his mouth, sucking and flipping his tongue over and across her nipples. His other hand hasn't moved yet still kneading her sex. She moans again. He lifts his head to look at her. Gasping softly, she licks her dry lips. He groans and closed his mouth over hers. Her eyes are still closed.

"Open them Kitten. I want to see your eyes. Look at me, show me your pleasure." He pinches a tight nipple.

She moans, her head arching back, offering the column of her throat to his lips. His hand keep on squeezing her labia, following a beat of his own, her legs spreading a little, showing him she wants more. One of his fingers sneaks between her lips and gently presses its pad against the small bundle of nerves. Her moan turns into a groan, the purring is getting louder. Every stroke, every touch, every kiss is always combined with a sound. Whether in excitement or abandonment, she sighs, moans, whimpers and these are his greatest rewards. The pad of his finger keeps making circle around her clitoris and her hips start swaying of their own volition. Her hand is following the same cadence on his penis. His lips couldn't stay put, he bites her ear lobe, kisses her neck, takes her mouth in soul stealing, mind boggling kisses. He can't stand it anymore.

"Do you trust me?" He whispers against her temple, his breath shallow and hot on her cheek.

"With my life." Is her immediate answer.

"Nothing more will happen, I swear, I just need to feel you under me, moving, taking me on. Please don't be afraid, you're safe with me." As he keeps reassuring her, he moves his body on top of hers, his legs on the outside, tightening hers together. His hands go down her body and he spreads her lips to tuck his hard rod between them and starts moving. He never thought this simple act could bring him so much pleasure. Her warmth, the wetness… _Oh God_! His penis is throbbing, his brain on overload. Keeping most of his weight on his forearm, he rubs his length against her pulsating clitoris.

"Oh! Oh! God Harry! Her moans are louder, she starts moving against him.

"That's it, Ruth. Take your pleasure, open your eyes my love and show me." His gaze captures her and neither will let go, their eyes possessing. "You feel so good… Yes my love, that's it, taking me on… take your pleasure."

Her eyes are riveted to his and her movements are getting harder and shorter, having lost the softness of before, they are now demanding, claiming him. He sees the pleasure climb in her eyes, reaching unprecedented heights. She's stunning, she's resplendent and she's close. Her body seizes with jerks, growing in numbers and in strength.

"You are so beautiful my love. So very beautiful. I love you… I love you. Come for me, please. Just let it take over kitten. Reach that peak."

"Harry… Harry…" She repeats his name over and over again, like a leitmotiv on her lips. "Harry… Harry… I can't… it's… I'm…"

"Don't worry my love, I've got you. I'm here to catch you. Just let go, let yourself fall."

"I can't… I can't…. not enough."

In a move that totally shocks Harry, she arched her body and flip their bodies, pushing him to his back and straddling him. She cradles his shaft in her hand and presses it against her pleasure button and she starts moving over it, racing her climax.

He had noticed before that whenever the pleasure was too great; her instinct would take over, her body commanding. The shyness, the uncertainty, whatever inadequacies she believes she has, would evaporate.

She's gloriously out of control and more beautiful than he had ever seen her. Legs on each side of his hips, rocking against him, she strokes her clitoris with the hard length of his penis, back and forth in a maddening pace. He grabs her breasts with both hands. He pinches her nipples, tweaking them between his fingers, she moans feeling his erection growing. He can't take his eyes from her and neither can she. He feels her wetness going down the inside of her thighs and the eroticism of the moment makes his body spiral in his need for release.

She's holding his shaft firmly in place, rubbing against it, harder… faster… always faster. She feels the pleasure climbing; she feels pressure, a tightness she has never felt before. It feels like the string on a bow, ready to break…. He catches her wrists, stilling her movement; he takes over, rocking his hips back and forth, gaining momentum and her wet hot core driving him to madness.

Ruth puts her hand on his chest, moving as much as she can in counter point to him.

"Harry… please. Now… please… please."

Harry sucks in a deep breath, grips her hips and pushes himself hard against her… rubbing faster, pushing harder, rubbing again and again… hitting the small hood one more time and she loses it in a loud wail coming from the back of her throat. The pleasure hits her with a blast.

"HARRY!" She screams his name and that's all he needs.

"Bloody hell." His hips grinding against her. He feels the tightening, the blood rushing and he lets go. He growls and come in a feral ecstasy. He shakes as his climax tears into him and she falls on his chest, her mouth on his, her tongue invading his mouth in the wettest, hottest kiss he's ever received. She places her head under his chin, her hands and arms abandoned on each side of him. He wraps his arms around her, crushing her to him, his hand moving to slide over her bare back.

"Wow…" is all she can say.

"Wow indeed." He replies as he keeps her body against his, not letting go. He feels the wet cold spot under him, the ultimate proof of her sexual nature.

 _Frigid my ass. She couldn't be if she tried._

She raises her hand to his chest, evidently a very heavy hand judging by the effort it takes her. She moves it to his neck and up in his hair, playing with the strands wet with sweat.

"That was… I never… this is…" She tries to catch her breath, panting.

He chuckles a little "Yes it was… it is… good, extremely good… better than good. You are something else… you know that. I never expected…" He feels her back stiffening under his hand.

"Was I too… I shouldn't… should I have…" she whispers, closing her eyes and hiding her face against his chest.

He grabs her hand; bring it to his lips and kisses her knuckles. "Look at me Ruth. Please, sweetheart, open your eyes and look at me."

She can't resist his request, she meets his gaze. He can see embarrassment and shame on her beautiful face.

"None of that, Beautiful." He brings his index to tap the tip of her nose. "Ruth… I love you from the bottom of my heart, I love you. I would never lie to you. I'm saying this now… never be afraid of what you do with me. Never… This is us, it's sacred and nothing we do out of love could ever be shameful. I love everything we do and what we just did, it blew my mind… in a good way. It was the best damn orgasm I've had in years. It… was… amazingly… gratifying… and… satisfying. Each word is said with a kiss on her lips.

"But I saw the shock on your face. I just couldn't stop myself… but I saw." Her eyes still have shadows of doubts.

"Honestly… what you saw is not what you think. Shock it was, but not at what you were doing… it was realizing how much you trust me… how far we've come… I didn't think you were ready. I was afraid I was going too fast moving on top of you, but I just couldn't stop myself, I had to know, to feel you." He kisses her hair.

"So I did well?" she asks, looking proud of herself.

 _She's so beautiful, how can I be this lucky._

He feels humble by her love for him. Hugging her hard against him, he finds his voice to say. "Good doesn't even start… you did fabulously my love. Anymore you'd kill me with pleasure. The wet, now cold, spot under me is a testament to your outstanding efforts."

He laughs, not knowing why, it just feels right to laugh… it feels liberating… he keeps on laughing. She looks at him curiously. He loses himself in the depth of her eyes.

"I don't know my love. It's not the happy cloud, it's something else. I felt it once before… when I found out you were alive. It's like something breaks inside me and is set free and it comes out in a laugh. Can't explain it. I'd call it euphoria for lack of a better word. I'm deliriously happy, my love."

"So am I, mon Coeur, so am I."

They don't move for a while, just relishing in the joy of their bodies together. He keeps on running his hand up and down her back, over the swell of her backside and up to her shoulders.

"I feel like a teenager again." He laughs again. "I'm discovering myself, rediscovering sex. I never thought it could be like this. Making love is so much better than having sex. Every single touch we share, we make love."

Her eyes still closed, her hand exploring his face, cupping his cheek, fingers running along his forehead and his eyebrows, as if learning his face with her hand, her head too heavy to lift and look. Harry takes a deep breath and let a sigh of contentment out; she wiggles her hips a little and giggles.

"You, Madam, are insatiable. I've created a monster."

"And you've only got yourself to blame." He feels her lips spread in a smile against his chest, probably just as big as the smile on his face.

"I'm a genius."

She turns toward his night table to look at the time. "We better get up Harry. It's 6:45, you don't want to be late for work."

"Plenty of time my love. The driver will be here at 8:30."

Ruth crosses her arms on his chest, and put her chin on her stapled hands. "I remember a time when you'd be hard at work by 07h30."

"I know, but I needed to change a few things. The day I return was an eye opener and I've had time to reflect furthermore on it." His eyes are closed and he's bone relaxed.

He doesn't see her questioning glare but he recognizes the tone. "What do you mean?"

"Before you died… I'd come in early, leave late… the job wasn't much more than a burden I was carrying. The weight of it all made me cranky and angry. I thought I was effective but I didn't enjoy my work anymore. I used to but I lost it in the last few years. If I'm honest, I'd say I stop enjoying my job when you went in exile. I would go to work because I had lost the only thing that mattered in my life.

He opens his eyes and lifting a finger to her lips, to stop her from commenting. He moves his hand to tuck a strand of hair behind her ear and keeps on talking.

"When I returned, I felt the enjoyment and the excitement again. It felt good to be back at work. It wasn't a burden anymore. I was more relaxed and happier with my life. I've realized since that I am a much better boss and a more efficient spook that way. My mind isn't clouded with the guilt and the memory of all the losses. It is sharp, focus and quicker for some reason. My thought process is faster and my reflexes are better than they have been in years. I feel 10 years younger."

"You look 10 years younger, mon Coeur. You look better than you ever did since I've met you. You're a lean, mean, happy machine and it suits you well." Her hands are drawing little nothing on his chest. "And I've notice the same thing. Lately I seem to see correlation everywhere, as if I can't stop the ideas or images from moving around in my head and connect together."

He grabs her hand drawing on his chest, not wanting to be distracted from what he wants to tell her.

"Yesterday afternoon, I had a meeting with the DG and we talked." The feature of his face shows uncertainty.

She knows what it means. "Do I still have a job, am I going back to the Grid… what decision did you make without consulting me."

"I would never…"

"Cut it out Harry… you could. Just tell me… spill it out."

"My first day back, I told him that from I would start around 9 o'clock in the morning and be out around 6 at night... bearing emergencies." They both end the sentence in a smile before Harry resumed what he was saying. "He was fine with it. Yesterday, the topic of annual leave came up in the conversation. I told him that I intend to take all my annual leave and will probably do every year without fault. I may also have implied that you'd come up with similar requests on both the daily schedule and annual leave and that he might want to mention it to the Home Secretary."

"I see." He doesn't risk looking at her, he is afraid she might be angry at his audacity. "Perfect then, I won't have to confront him about it and I'll be able to spend time with you.

Harry exhales loudly. "I'm so glad you're not mad."

"I'm not this time Harry, but do keep in mind that this is the 21st century, that I am my own woman and please, refrain from making decision for me. You'll have to tame your caveman, Mon Coeur."

"I will… I promise." Lost in his thoughts, his fingers are tapping on her back… Whenever he is nervous or apprehensive he taps… He is tapping her name right now.

"A penny for them." She asks.

"Remember, a few weeks ago, the day before I went back to work… there was something I couldn't talk about… said I'd make sense of it and talk to you once I did."

"I remember."

"Since I've been back on the grid, I've made sense of it." He moves her to his side, placing her head on his shoulder and he keeps on tapping. She deciphers: I love you.

"During your recovery, I had time to think. I also had time to see the changes in me. I was afraid I couldn't put the mask on. I need the mask to be a good spook. I didn't know if I could do my job properly. But since being back, the mask is on… it's the same old face, the same old mask and yet it isn't the same. The energy is different... The burden doesn't feel as heavy and I feel eager. I think that being rested and happy makes me feel excited about my work again. I'm still haunted by every person I loss, questioning every decisions I ever made, feeling guilty about the past but it's not in the fore front of my mind anymore…"

"It's not?" Ruth was shocked by his admission.

"No… You are my love… and how wonderful our life is… how happy I am… it's hard to explain. I don't think about it, it's not on my mind… it just is. My mind is clear of all the negative noises. Oh… they're still all here" he says putting his finger on his temple "just not all the time and it doesn't weight on me as much."

Harry took a moment to put his thoughts in order. "I'm happy Ruth, I like the way I feel. I enjoy the way I look and feel physically. I don't want to give that up for 16 hours days. I want time for myself and time with you. I know it might sound selfish and I guess it is, but in the end, Happy Harry makes Grid Harry a better boss, a better spook… a better human being.

"I love you Harry. You are truly the bravest man I know. To face your demons and come out on the other side stronger and at peace… Incredibly sexy, mon Coeur." She kisses him senseless, proving her point. "As for being a better boss and spook. I'll have to judge for myself."

She kisses his cheeks, moves on to his lips and invades his mouth with her tongue. She pulls away from him just to let him see the smile on her face and in her eyes.

"I forgot to mention, I saw Steven yesterday after my physio session. As of next Monday, I'm back at work, just two days a week to begin… but I'm allowed back."


	17. The meaning of secrets - chapter 17

**I know from experience that feeling your own mortality makes you reconsider choices you've made and gives you a new intake on the ones to make in the future. Also, I found that I wanted to have fun. I didn't suffer through 8 months of pain and discomfort to just go back to the tedious side of life… I want to have fun, laughter and joy… I can't get it yet as I'm not fully back but I sure am going to give it to my favorite characters.**

 **Reviews are the salt to my food, so please, let them roll in. I really enjoyed all the inputs and the advices I get from reviewers. Thank you to all the reviewers who have been kind enough to leave their comments about my writing. It means everything to me.**

 **BE WARNED… this chapter is rated M actually more like M+. Do not read this if you're a minor or someone who doesn't like reading about sexual encounter.**

 **Chapter 17**

"Stop it. Harry"

"What?"

"You know what!"

"I'm sure I don't."

"Double H out… GH in."

"Euh… double H? "

"I need Happy Harry to leave and let Grid Harry to move in."

"I have no idea what you are talking about."

Harry looks at her sitting on the other side his desk facing him. Her eyes are fixed on him and her features are showing signs of frustration. She leans against the back of the chair and crosses her arm in front of her. He feels like a child about to be admonished by the Head Mistress.

He sits there with a look of total innocence on his face. "What?"

"Harry, it's not funny. You have to stop. You are distracting me and make it very hard for me to work. I thought we agreed."

Harry bends his head a slight blush on his cheeks. "I know… I know… I don't know what's wrong with me. I saw you come through the pods and couldn't think about anything else but how much I want you."

"I'm flattered Harry… but I came here to have a meeting and do my work. So far it's not happening. I can't work with you, when you're like that. Is this going to be a problem?"

"Of course not." It couldn't be… he never had a problem keeping his mind on the job, but then again, he hadn't been with Ruth.

Ruth looks at him. She understands how he feels. She loves him so much; sometimes it's hard to function normally. It had been 5 months since her stabbing and life was good… exceedingly good. She has been back at work in the Home Secretary's office for a little over a month now. She had gone from working 2 days to 3 days a week. A few more months and she'd be back full time. Her cane was in a corner of the sitting room and she rarely used it these days. Lives at home and at the office have merged beautifully.

She discovered Harry to be a gentle, patient and passionate lover. The physical side had never really been important to her… before Harry. With him she has truly discovered her body… and his… She liked making love to him. Very much so. Where there was a small window before, now a door was open… a very big door… a very big set of double French doors.

"Stop that!" It is now Harry's turn to mutter the words. "You have that look… you know the one you get when you just thought of something to do to me." Ruth fixes her eyes on him. "Yeah… Ruth… THAT look! See I'm not the only guilty party here."

Even though she was still the shy, modest woman in public, Harry was amazed that the insecure, fearful, hesitant Ruth, had bloomed into a sensual seductress. In the last months, they had explored each other's body in every way, except for penetration. Ruth was comfortable with him, with her own sexuality, initiating when she wanted sex, which was often. He had been ecstatic to find she had a very healthy sexual appetite and was now very good at getting what she wanted. She had let herself go and enjoyed every single minute. She had liberated herself, no bar held. Masturbation, which had always been a somewhat shameful act to her, was now a recurring act in their repertoire. Pleasing oneself while the other watched was one of their biggest turn on. For the last few weeks, they had been exploring oral sex and he had to admit that he was extremely happy, utterly sated and astonished at how Ruth had taken to it.

They had made love in every room of the house, they had massaged, caressed, kissed and licked every inches of their bodies. They had smiled at their enjoyment of each other, laughed at their exuberance, tried things that work, others that didn't… and throughout they had found each other… over and over…

They had yet to have intercourse. He wasn't in a rush to get there. So far his patience had paid off, in more ways than he had ever expected; the road to the ultimate goal was a very pleasurable one.

He heard Ruth's voice. "Stop that. You have that smug smile… you know the one… the Cheshire cat and a very big bowl of thick fresh cream." Harry sighed soundly, his hand going over his eyes.

"We are doomed, Ruth. We'll never get to accomplish anything while in each other's presence."

An hour or so later, Ruth was picking up her coat ready to go back to Whitehall.

"I'll see you at home… around 6:00?"

"Actually… before you came in today… I was thinking…"

"Hmm…"

"I'd like to take you on a date, Ruth."

She didn't get what he was trying to say right away. "We live together Harry, as in the same house."

"I know Love… but we never had that second date. I'd like to date you… woo you."

Ruth giggles a little. "Woo me? How Victorian of you Harry."

He looked at her pointedly. Ruth gazed into his eyes. "What is this about, mon Coeur."

"I… we… never had a chance to date… you know… I never properly courted you. We don't have stories of how we met and fell in love… nothing to tell the grandkids."

She couldn't love him more. He was adorable… so romantic. "When?"

"About tonight. Presumptuously, I booked us a table. I think you'll like the restaurant. It's a small Provencal one."

"I'd love too. What time should I be ready?"

"I'll pick you up at 6:30. The reservation is for 7:00."

She grabs her files and pocketbook and walks over to his side of the desk. She leans over him, as he is still sitting. "I'll be waiting for you, mon Coeur." She kisses him gently and turns over to walk out of his office when his voice stops her.

"And Ruth." She doesn't turn around to look at him. "Yes, Harry."

"I'd like a third, fourth and fifth dates… In fact, if you don't mind, I'd like to make it a weekly occurrence."

Her smile grows bigger. "Whatever you want Harry." She walks out on the Grid, through the pods and leaves, never turning around to look at him but knowing he is looking at her.

* * *

Tonight is their fifth date and more importantly, it has been six month to the day, since she woke up in the hospital. Harry has a special evening planned. He's taking her to the same restaurant they went to on their first date… years ago.

He hears footsteps coming down the stairs and he looks up. She wears an off shoulders, cobalt blue dress which is fitted across the bust, close to her waist, and flares at the hips to flow to her knees. She wears a bit more makeup then he's used to see on her and it looks good. Her chestnut hair shines in unruly curls that she created as if by magic.

"You are impossibly beautiful." He whispers with awe in his voice.

She blushes and smiles. "Thank you, mon Coeur. You really like the dress?"

As she comes down to the last step, he takes her hand in his and says.

"Very much so… I'll be the envy of every man in the restaurant."

The restaurant is just as they remembered. The food is incredible, the service impeccable, the wines are exquisitely paired with the dishes. Like always, the conversation flows naturally, words are exchanged but look and smiles are making most of an entirely different conversation. Once dinner is over, they go back home. Both are looking forward to the second part of the evening, for different reasons but aiming at a similar result… a night of passion.

When they entered the house, he helps her out of her coat, kissing her neck and shoulders.

"I've been wanting to do this all evening."

She turns around and putting her hand on his chest, a sensual smile on her lips and a twinkle in her eye, Ruth answers him. "I've wanted you to do that as soon as I bought the dress."

"I aim to please." He put his hands on her waist and kisses her neck.

She pulls away, putting a finger on his lips. "Patience, mon Coeur… I would like some time to myself. Why don't you take Scarlett for a walk?" She lowers his chin to her and kisses him after whispering against his mouth. "Meet me in our bedroom afterwards."

He takes her hand in his and kisses it. He then kisses her mouth in a long, invading kiss. "I won't be long." As far as he's concern, it couldn't fit his plans more perfectly. He follows her with his eyes, enjoying the gentle sway of her hips and moved into action as soon as she disappears.

"Scarlett… Walk!" Scarlett runs to him. He puts the lead on the small dog and leaves for the park. It's a rather short walk… about 15 minutes only. On his way up the drive way, he opens the boot of the car where he finds the ice box he hid there earlier. He carries it into the house. He locks the door, sets up the alarm and takes the lead off Scarlett who follows him to the kitchen. Grabbing a bucket from the cabinet, he takes items out of the box onto a tray. He pours ice cubes in the bucket, plants a bottle of champagne in the middle and gently takes a bouquet of violets out of their wrapping. He adds two flutes to the tray.

He goes up to the bathroom where he showers. He comes back to the kitchen wearing only a dressing robe. He picks up the tray and moves upstairs. He can feel the small jewelry box he placed in the pocket of his robe, thumping against his thigh every time he climbs a stair.

 _She's going to say yes this time. How could she say no? Champagne, flowers and a romantic speech. This time my timing is perfect and the delivery will be too._

He gets to the landing at the top of the stairs. A small beam of light comes from inside the bedroom, through the slightly ajar door.

 _I don't think she expects this. She will be so surprised._

He opens the door and almost drops everything on the floor. He's lost his capacity to breathe, think or walk, so he just stands there in the door frame… thunderstruck.

Ruth is lying on the bed, in the most… the sexiest…

"Wow… … … Wow… WOW!" His brain has evidently taken its leave.

Ruth gives him a seductive smile. She's lying on the bed, wearing nothing but a black bra with lavender and pale green embroidery along the top and panties with the same appliqués. Half lying, half sitting, in the middle of the bed, her arms are extended on each side, her chest out, one of her leg bent at the knee, wearing the most unpractical, raciest, most erotic pair of black high heal mules. Very provocative yet classy. She is seduction incarnate.

"My God woman… you'll give me a heart attack." Harry gulps, his eyes filled with undiluted desire. He'd thought she couldn't be more beautiful or more desirable and she just proved him wrong. He feels a tremor going through his body. He wants her… just as simply as he wants his next breath, he wants this exquisite woman. He still hasn't moved.

Her eyes gaze at him before she speaks. "Harry, I'm ready."

He snaps out of his foggy trance, comes into the room and places the tray on the night table. "Yes beloved. I'm ready too."

"No Harry… I'm ready." She says again. With her eyes she's trying to make him understand something. "Mon Amour. Nous avons assez attendus. Il est temps." (Tr. My love. We've waited long enough. It is time)

His brain clicks and his breath catches. "You mean…"

"Yes Harry. I want us to make love… all the way."

"Oh, Ruth. Are you sure… we can wait… if you're not." That would surely kill him but he would do anything for her.

"I want to be yours, mon amour, and I want you to be mine." She wets her lips, her eyes declaring her love to him.

"I've been yours, since the day you came into my life. I just want to make sure you are ready… that you don't feel pressured… by me… into…"

She gives him a tender smile. "If I didn't know better I'd say you're nervous, Harry."

He can't keep the words unsaid. "Terrified… aren't you?"

"Strangely, I'm not. I want you. I really want you, with all that I am." Nodding at the champagne and the plate in his hands, she asks. "Great minds think alike. Celebrating something, Harry?"

"Six months ago today…" he says

"I came back to you." She completes his avowal.

He leans over the bed and gives her the flowers. This is the moment… the one that will change his life forever. This is the beginning of the rest of his life... with her in it…

"You look stunning my love. You are a siren… a temptress… You're beauty is unparalleled. He kneels on the bed, his eyes gazing along her body.

 _She is perfection embodied_. _Feminine, exceedingly sexual, with a hint of innocence, such a strange mix but very much my Ruth._

Coming back to her face, he plants his eyes in hers so she could see he is talking from his heart.

"I love you Ruth. Six months ago, you gave me your heart and a purpose to my life. I gave you my heart and you've held it in yours. You made me shed my secrets and took me into the light. You are my light, my everything. I've been trying to find the words to tell you but theyh don't exists. You make me happier than I deserve to be. I want to devote my life to making you happy. I want to build a life with you made out of light and love. It would be my honor, if you would consent to spend the rest of your life with me." As he is talking, his hand goes to his pocket. The meaning of the moment dawns on her… he sees her becoming nervous… emotional… her eyes are getting teary.

He opens the small box and holds it to her. "Will you be my wife, Ruth? Will you be forever my beloved?"

He sees the nerves go away, the tears are forgotten, all that's left is the love she has for him, in her eyes, in her smile. Neither will ever forget this moment.

"I do… I will…. Yes… Yes… Yes…"

She kneels on the bed facing him and putting her arms around him, she kisses him with all the love she feels. He takes her hand, she pulls back a little, sees him put the ring on her finger.

"Oh… Harry… it's beautiful." A single large blue stone flanked on each side with two smaller diamonds. It is simple, beautiful and it fits her perfectly.

"The stone, it's a blue diamond. I wanted a ring that would complement the color of your eyes."

Her arms encircle his neck. "Oh Harry. It's truly beautiful, I love it."

"I love you, Ruth. You've just made me the happiest man." He kisses her.

She kisses him back. "And I love you Harry Pearce… my fiancé." A large smile spreads her lips.

"My Fiancée." Harry says the word with reverence.

Still in each other's arms they lie on the bed, her on top of him. They kiss for a long time, caressing each other's body. Harry is naked, having been divested of his robe, Ruth's still wearing her bra, her panties but lost a mule in the melée. Harry's hand goes down to her feet to take the other shoe off, but she moves his face back to hers.

"I bought these at the same boutique I got the bra and panties." Does she really think he's interested in her shoes, because he's most definitely not.

Harry is dropping kisses all over her neck, along her collarbone, running his tongue over the edge of her bra. "Beautiful shoes sweetheart. They truly are beautiful shoes." His voice is muffled as he kisses the skin between her breasts, pressing the globes against his face with both hands.

Pulling on his hair, she brings him back in order to get his attention and keep herself from being distracted. "I've been told every woman needs a pair of fuck me shoes." She talks very slowly, putting emphasis on every word, as if Harry is a bit slow. He isn't slow… he's in the Twilight Zone. Why the hell are they still talking about shoes? Really!

 _What did she just say?_ "Fuck me shoes?" He questions.

She looks him in the eyes… "Those are shoes…" She kisses his forehead "… or rather a signal" She kisses the tip of his nose "… from a woman to her man" kisses along his cheek "… that there is 100% possibility" she bits his earlobe lightly then wet it with her tongue before she whispers in his ear "… that his woman wants to be fucked" Ruth says the last word very slowly, making it two long syllables, putting a somewhat strong emphasis on the last syllable.

Harry is dazed… no blood in his head… totally, absolutely devoid of blood.

"100%... Fucked?"

"Yes Harry… undeniably, completely, thoroughly and exhaustively…. fucked!"

"Keep the shoe Ruth." His mouth attacks her neck, while he turns their body over so she's on her back now, his mouth all over her. Her eyes close against the outpouring of arousal. She feels a ball of ache in the pit of her stomach and wetness gathering between her legs.

"Oh Harry…"

His firm lips keep their gentle pressure, covering her skin while his hands are lowering her panties from her hips, down her legs… Harry rolls their body once more to access the back of her bra.

"Harry…"

"Yes Ruth… in a minute."

"Harry…"

His lips keep kissing her, travelling from lips, to jaw, to the dip of her collarbone, to the swell of her breasts.

"Harry…"

"What Kitten..."

"The front Harry."

"What front…?" He stops, he has to, there is no way he can do two things at once…

"The bra, Mon Amour… it clips in the front."

Her words finally get through. "Why didn't you say so." He smiles at her and rolls them yet another time, finding himself on top. He finds the clip, opens it and pulls the fabric away.

"Aahhh." He sounds as if he just found a long lost treasure.

Ruth pulls him to her, enjoying his weight, his skin against hers. She wraps her legs around his body and slaps his butt cheek playfully. "Time to do the deed." She laughs… a deep sexy chuckle. He loves it.

"Patience my love…"

Ruth cuts in. She's not in the mood to be patient. "Mon Coeur, I want you inside me Harry… all the way inside me." Her legs around his waist, her hips rocking against him make it impossible not to do as she asks and he pushes himself slowly inside her.

"Embrasse moi, mon amour… donne moi tes lèvres." (Tr. Kiss me my love… give me your lips.) She sighs when his tongue plunges and takes possession of her mouth as his hardness completes his possession of her."

"Oh… you feel so good, mon amour." Ruth is holding on to him taken by a wave of blissful pleasure.

"You're so beautiful." Harry answers hoarsely, pushing inside her… so very slowly. "Oh my God, Kitten. You're so tight." He gasps. His voice has a hint of delicious torment.

She feels him slide deeper into her. She sucks in a deep breath, feeling divinely stretched, feeling Harry nestled deep inside her… not moving.

"Oh… mon Coeur… this is torturous. Please." The heel of her mule against his backside, she tries to push him further inside her… to no avail.

"You feel so good Ruth… So warm, so tight… so wet."

"Harry! Please!" She begs him to move inside her, but he's not.

"My love, I don't want this to be over too soon… and the way I feel it will be. Don't move Kitten… Feel me inside you."

She does as he asks and the feeling is exquisite… for both of them. She tightens around him and let out a long moan as she feels his lips pull on one of her nipples.

"Oh God… You're so hard, so hot inside me." She's clenching and unclenching around him, massaging his whole length.

"God Ruth. You grip is like a fist. You're so bloody sexy. I love you, I want you. Only you…"

They are still not moving, eyes closed.

"Harry… it's so… I'm… my God, it's building, slow and high."

"Yes, my love. Let it built slowly." His lips are still kissing and pulling on her nipples, alternating between soft suckles and gentle biting. Her arms are circling his chest, scratching his back with her nails as if she's trying to get inside him.

Harry moves his hand between their bodies and applies pressure on her clitoris with the pad of his thumb. No fancy moves, just a gentle pressure and release, following her rhythm as she clamps on him.

"Harry… it's not enough… it's too much… I can't reach… I'm climbing…"

"That's it, Kitten. Slowly. I want to feel you come around me, under me. God you're beautiful."

"Harry…."

"Let go beloved. Yes, I feel you… you're close. You're so hot, I want to make you come like you've never come before."

"Mon amour…"

"So beautiful. I could look at you forever. Feel how hard and how big I am from you… for you."

"MON AMOUR!" She reaches the pinnacle of pleasure, shattering under the strength of it. She's floating, savoring the carnality of her orgasms, left at the zenith with no hope of descending from it.

Harry witnesses her pleasure and she's never looked more beautiful. He can't keep himself still and starts moving inside her, a few long slow strokes but it becomes too hard to control himself. He starts on a wild race, taking her back on her climb before she can come down from the first one.

"Yes! Take me Harry. Hard and fast. Take me, make me yours, put your stamp on me my caveman." He's not sure she knows what she's saying. She just letting go of her body and her mind. The words are flowing from her mouth as her body is dancing against his.

"Oh God, my love... so... good. You fill me and I feel you. I never thought... never imagined... God! Harry! Please, make me come... please."

Her words enflame him, they drive him to move faster and harder. The scent of her lust makes his head swirl, her skin is flushed and her nipples are engorged delightfully scratching the skin of his chest.

"Oh… Harry. I can't… it's too much… I'm going… to…"

"It's ok my love, I'm here… I'm with you."

She opens her eyes and looks at him. He is magnificent, glorious; his powerful body strained with the primal urge to possess her. A gasping cry escapes her. She's undulating under him, squeezing, quivering on the edge. She rocks her hips harder, faster, she's lost to everything but him moving inside her, her body having taken over, her primitive instinct commanding. She moves her hands to his shoulders and digs her nails into his skin.

Harry is moving inside her with maddening rhythm. Fast burst, long and short. The crushing need to mate with her is overpowering, to feel her around him is all that matters. Her nails dig in his back, the mixture of pleasure and pain makes him lose what little control he had left. He starts pounding into her, like a mad man.

"Oh… yes, Mon coeur, yes… harder, please, harder, faster… take me, Harry. Don't stop, please don't stop." Words are flowing out of her mouth.

"Kitten… I'm… It's just… so… good. I'm so close."

"Let go, I got you… just let go. Please, please… harder... HARRY!"

Harry moves harder between her legs, his body a single extension of his manhood. His eyes go wild; he feels her clench around him… her beautiful face is transformed with the ferocious force of her climax. Her body tenses, arches, pushing against his. She grabs him by the neck and lowers his mouth to hers. She shouts her pleasure in his mouth, while kissing him with all she's got. She breaks at the height of the wave and falls over the edge, her body revisiting, on its way down, each plateau it had climbed, each step, seizing her body with jolts of intense pleasure. She falls on the bed and she lets the feelings go through her body, consuming it.

Harry feels his taut body plunging into her once more. It's his turn to violently shudder in an exquisite last struggle to get to the crowning of his pleasure. She crushes him as she climax and his release is grandiose. He pours himself into her and the pleasure takes over. His shaking arms can't take his weight anymore; he rolls their bodies so that she rests on top of him while he is still imbedded in her.

For a little while they catch their breaths, giving time for the blood to return to their brain so that words are possible. They are both spent. Their eyes closed, they smile.

Suddenly, Ruth laughs, a long and hard laugh… loud laugh…

Harry eyes on her are full of love, he feels the tremor of her laugh and the aftershocks from inside her body. He knows… "Euphoria beloved?"

Ruth stops laughing as disbelief stills the expression on her face. "I… I didn't know I was laughing until you asked… but it's… I feel…"

Harry kisses her deeply, his tongue battling hers, delighting in the wetness and the softness of her mouth.

"I know how it feels, beloved… Very liberating… isn't it?"


	18. The meaning of secrets - chapter 18

**Again, I wanted to have a bit of fun with my favorite characters. This chapter might not feel like it's in canon but yet again we don't know how Harry and Ruth would be if they were together. I tried to keep with the spirit of them. Did I succeed?**

 **It's for you readers to say. Please review** **.**

 **Hope you enjoy this chapter.**

 **Chapter 18**

"Harry?"

"Yes Ruth."

They were having their saturday morning breakfast. He was reading the morning paper while she was looking at him. She couldn't keep her eyes from him most of the time, this morning he was particularly appealing to her. His hair were ruffled in such a way, it made her want to run her fingers throught it. He hadn't shave yet and the stubble made her want to lick his jaw. He was wearing sweat pants and a t-shirt he had put on after his morning jog and shower. God, he was so manly, charming… sexy. Her eyes caught the sparkle from the ring on her finger. He had proposed the night before and she had said an unmitigated yes, several yes in fact but not all of them about the proposal.

"Are you happy?" She asks still looking at her ring.

He drops his paper, folds it and gives her his undivided attention. Ruth never asks questions without reason and this was a question that could go anywhere. Did she doubt he was happy? Was she happy?

"Happier than I've ever been in my life." He says taking her hand and kissing the back of it.

"In both your personal and professional life?" It's obvious there are more questions where the first one came from. He has no idea where she's going, he thinks easiest to cut to the chase.

"What is it Ruth? What are you trying to ask me in your own oblique way?"

She fiddles with her napkin, picking up crumbs with her index and wiping them off on her plate. "Do you… I mean… have you… it's just…" Judging by the amount of stuttering, this was not an easy question.

"Ruth, remember what I told you, don't play the words first, just let them go."

She takes a deep breath. He can see in her eyes she's trying for find her courage. "Do you remember the day I… I was… that day"

"It's my personal and constant nightmare. Why?" Harry doubted that she would remind him of that horrifying day without good reasons.

"Remember what we talked about… before… just before."

"You mean about leaving the service together?"

She lets out a sigh of relief. He doesn't seem angry or disappointed.

"Yes… "

"I thought you were happy." He looks uncertain now, he thought they were good together.

"Oh Harry… I AM happy… deliriously so."

"Why then." He seems puzzled by her line of questions, so she decides to make her point as quickly, as painlessly as possible and go straight to the point.

"I died Harry… I died. What if you died and don't come back… I couldn't live without you. Aren't we tempting faith?"

Harry takes her hand in his, his surprise evident. "Last month… You… you seemed so happy to go back to work, I thought that's what you wanted."

"I just want to be with you. You were back at work, so I wanted to be back… and… I thought that's what you wanted…"

Harry let out a soft whispery laugh. "I just want to be with you." He stands up and offers his hand to her. She takes it and walks into his embrace. He kisses the top of her head. "We both have changed in the last 6 months, obviously not enough."

"I just want you to have everything you want… make you happy, mon Coeur."

"I was trying to do just the same for you, my love."

Ruth smiles at him. "Obviously we are not very good at guessing what the other wants."

Harry beams at her. "Indeed…" He hugs her to him, tucking her head in his neck, he whispers. "O. Henry."

"The gift of the Magi." Ruth pulls away and smiles at him with only the love in her eyes.

He places a finger under her chin and looks at her beautiful face. "I sold my grand-father's watch to buy combs for your hair and you sold your hair to buy a chain for my grand-father's watch."

She kisses his lips softly. "Harry… we've got to stop keeping secrets from each other."

"I know. I thought we had move beyond secrets and not expressing things."

Ruth cups his cheeks with her hand. "That's us… one step forward, two steps back."

"So… we're leaving the service." He closes his eyes and rubs his cheek in the palm of her hand.

"I guess we are." She circles his waist with her arms and pulls him tightly against her. "I'm so scared of losing you Harry. I don't want to stay. If I had a choice, we wouldn't have gone back…"

She hears a dry chuckle coming from him. "We are quite the pair, my love. I didn't really want to go back, but I have to say I'm glad I did. As far as what I want in my life. I want nothing more than to devote myself to you and your happiness."

"You glad you went back. What changed?" She ask her curiosity obvious.

"Before... if I had resigned 6 months ago, I would have been angry and kind of defeated. I would have felt my career was a waste because of all the guilt and the losses. During the weeks I've been back, I've rediscovered myself... my work... and I don't know how to explain it but I feel more at peace somehow."

She kisses him gently, understanding but not feeling the need to add to his statement. That was all his. She pulls herself away from him and walks to the hutch to open a drawer from which she pulls out a pad and a pen, before moving back to the table to sit down. He walks up to the counter to make them tea.

Ruth starts writing. "Item 1, two resignation letters. I can write both if you want."

"If it's no trouble… Sure. You know… you can write one and just change your name for mine." Harry likes the idea of identical letters. It would spell out, to the power in place, whom he's leaving the service for and with. He'd be happy to stick both letters in the same envelope.

"Item 1 check."

It's his turn to speak up. "Item 2. From this day on, I solemnly swear to not keep secrets from you and never to try to guess or to think I know what you want. I will use my words."

"Motion carried. I solemnly swear… Diddo." She smiles to herself. This was probably the hardest thing they would have to overcome. They had kept secrets for years; even the love they felt for one another had been a long kept secret.

"We'll have to make ourselves out of love instead of secrets." She says remembering her words from that faithful day.

He places two cups of hot tea on the table. He kisses the top on her head before sitting down opposite to her.

"Won't be easy… you know that." Harry says looking deep into her eyes.

"But we can do it." She takes his hand from across the table.

"We can do anything we set are mind to." He entwines his fingers with her.

"Item 2, check."

Harry laughs at the seriousness of her face. "Are you going to itemize the next 20 years of our lives, Sweetheart."

She takes her eyes off the paper and up to him. "Face it Harry… you're a tactician, I'm an analyst. Between the two of us we could discuss, plan, propose and resolve a situation; go back to the beginning and do it from the other side of a coin. I think I've just found the perfect mean of communication between us. No guessing, no interpretation, no manipulation, a clear, define list of simple facts. You never know, it might actually work."

 _She may have a point._ He thought.

"So… what's item 3 then?"

"Item 3, where do we live and how do we do it? Suggestions?"

"UK or abroad?" he asks.

"I'd prefer UK… you?" Ruth was usually not this forward in her opinion. She would wait to see what he wanted and say what she thought he wanted to hear. However, put her in a pure analytical mode and answers would come out true and numerous. This list had definite potential.

"I'd say live in the UK, but travel abroad… once or twice a year. During the winter preferably."

 _Yep! Definite potential. It's easier for some reason to tell her how I feel and what I want like this. Clear, precise, concise answers. She's a genius!_

"Agreed!" She wrote down the words, he smiles tenderly. They were planning their lives like a proposal to a committee… "Where in the UK?" Her voice brought him back to the list.

They went at it through the morning, ate lunch while discussing item 7, cleared the table and washed the dishes, while deciding to add Item 11 to the list. Overall it was a good list, a mishmash of decisions for their future life.

 _ **Item 1 – Resignations from the Service. Same letter for both.** They were both done with the work that had kept them from having a normal life which is all they wanted a boring, unexcitingly normal life._

 _ **Item 2 – No secrets, no guessing, no interpretations of looks, words or gesture. No presumptions.**_

 _ **Item 3 – South coast of England. No more than two hours from Harry's children and their friends.**_

 _ **Item 4 – Harry's house on the market within a week. Ruth will look into disposable funds from the sale of her house (during her exile) and from her mother's house (she died not long after Ruth came back).**_ After a long discussion, Ruth wins her point on paying for half the house. She wanted them to be equals. The caveman in him relented to his need to make her happy.

 _ **Item 5 – Getting married within the next 6 months.**_ He wanted 2 weeks, she wanted a year. Another long discussion which had resulted in a compromise. They agreed on 6 months _ **.**_

 _ **Item 6 – Find an old cottage with little to no repairs.** Being desk spooks most of their abilities were in computer hacking, close combat and surveillance not in crown molding repair._

 _ **Item 7 – Balance nutrition, exercise and lots of sex.**_ Suggestions come from both parties and there is no real discussion on the topic. _ **Subsection Item 7a - Never go to bed angry, never use sex as a bargaining chip and no sleeping on the sofa as retaliation.**_ They are both steadfast on that one and there were no real discussion on it either. _**Subsection Item 7b: Sex doesn't not constitute an exercise regiment.**_ That was a given to Ruth, not so much to Harry as he believe their sexual activities were very vigorous, making Ruth fall to the floor in laughter. In the end, Harry had simply pouted and agreed.

 _ **Item 8 – Out of this world, borderline insane security system on the house.**_ Brought forward by him as a pet project he could have with a few of his friends. _**Counter proposal: Yes to the security system, but no alarm connected to DOD or CO19, no automatic or large caliber weapons and no air missile defense system.**_ She wins, he pouts yet again.

 _ **Item 9 – No more than 2 dogs and 2 cats, no other species.**_ She insists that this item is retribution by Harry for not getting all he wanted on item 8. He pouts for being so transparent.

 _ **Item 10 – Having his children over for dinner at least once a week, every two weeks at a minimum.**_ Her suggestion. She was unbending on that point and he loved her for it.

 _ **Item 11 – Date once a week.**_ This item has already been in place, but they both thought it would be nice to add it to the list.

 _ **Item 12 – Stay off work one year before one or both parties decide to find a new job. The new job cannot involve working more than 8 hours a day, being shot or kidnapped. No weapons of any type should come with the new position.**_ She knew once he was out of the Service, some security company would try to grab him. She didn't want him in a job where risking his life was expected.

 _ **Item 13 – One cock up free pass per month. Total lack of tact or appalling timing would have to be forgiven upon using the pass. Item 13, subsection A: Cock ups don't include adultery or crimes punishable by law, in which case reprisal is expected and would be violent and immediate.**_ The first part of the suggestion had been from Harry… for Harry. However, the subsection was entirely Ruth's. She didn't write down what she would do to the other woman if he cheated on her. He thanked her for protecting his sensitivity.

They had finish cleaning the kitchen and were having a cup of tea when item 14 came on the board. Ruth was the one to bring it up.

"Item 14 – Children."

Harry almost choked on the sip of tea he had just taken. "Hum… children?"

"Yes… Harry. Do you want any? How many would you be willing to have?"

"Do you want a child… I mean… you haven't had… and I thought."

"I asked first Harry. Kids… yes or no. First reaction."

"First reaction. I'd love to have a child with you… Wow… it would be…" He had the most endearing, dreamy look on his face. His features changed after a minute or two, showing concerned. "But I feel selfish as I don't have to carry and deliver the baby… Honestly, I didn't think you wanted any so I kind of crossed it out of my list."

"Why would you think that? I'd love to have children with you Harry. I've always wanted children with you… I've dreamed about them…. Just couldn't think to have children with anyone but you."

Harry was moved by her loving words. "I just thought that if you had wanted a child, you would have one by now… that you're getting older and maybe…"

"Dear love. Choose your words carefully. You wouldn't want to use your cock up free pass so early on… would you?"

"What I mean, my darling fiancée, is that you might feel like it's too much, too hard that you might be too tired to deal with children at your age." As soon the words come out of his mouth, he sees bullets in her eyes… all precisely aimed at him.

"My age Harry! Ruth voice is shrieking. "What do you mean too tired at my age. What about your age, Buster… you're not so young yourself my friend."

Harry shakes his head. "That's not what I meant…" Looking at her smug expression he points a finger at her. "No… I'm not using my pass. No way. Just hold on."

The frown on his forehead got a bit more pronounced as he is trying to find the right words… the appropriate words.

"I can't find a politically correct way of saying this. I just thought you felt it was too late for children."

"I'm only 41 Harry… I can still have a child, maybe two. But then I'm 41. Not much time left in my child bearing year, we'd have to have them pretty soon or not have any."

"I know, but you haven't answered the question, Honey. You may be able to have them, but do you want them?"

"I honestly don't know. It's more about the timing than the wanting. I would love to have a child with you, but I want time with you before having one. I just want to enjoy what we have right now."

"I feel the same beloved, I'd love to have a child and yet want you all to myself at the moment…" His face takes a bashful expression. "We haven't been exactly careful, Honey." Harry points out to her. "Are you on the pill?"

"No." The surprise on her face made it clear that contraception had not been on the forefront of Ruth's mind.

"In case you haven't notice, we haven't used condoms. So for all we know, you might already be pregnant."

A Madonna smile spread her lips. The thought of having his baby was obviously a pleasurable one. Then her eyes got darker and a frown appear on her face. Not THAT pleasurable it seems.

She brought him back to the discussion at hand. "Can you believe how irresponsible we have been. I mean, the fact that the contraceptive conversation is taking place now is a huge telling." She stops right in the middle of her argument. He knows the look, it's her 'I don't have an answer' look, one rarely seen on Ruth's face. She always has an answer or at least a strong opinion. He looks at her picking up the pen back in her hand.

She obviously confused by her behavior, probably as much as he is about his own. She's right. They had intercourse for the first time the night before and he never even consider contraception of children. That was so out of character for both of them as they were both the quintessence of responsible people.

"I can't explain Ruth. I haven't thought about it either and that's from a man who's had unprotected sex with two women in all his life, you and Jane. I can't believe..."

Ruth wears an expression of confusion and disquiet. "This is so... not me. I can't believe. Am I so addicted to you that I take leave of my brain... of all the crazy things I could do..."

He took her in his arms, rubbing her back. "Don't beat yourself up about it Ruth. It was just one night."

"It only takes one time Harry and it was... four times if my memory serves. Two last night, then once in the middle of the night and this morning."

The smile that appears on his face was so smug... so big...

"Yes, my Fiancée was quite demanding." He rubs himself against her litterally coming to life just as he looked at her, memories of the night before coloring his eyes.

"Oh! Get over yourself Harry Pearce. There is no gold medal in play. Don't look so proud with yourself."

Harry's smirk was fully engrained on his face. "Most man my age would dance around in happiness for achieving a hard on once... but then they don't have a vixen like you in their bed."

His lips were playing with her earlobe and kissing the little sweet spot right under her ear. She felt herself melt against him. Nothing would be resolve if they kept on going...

"No... Harry. Stay away from me. Shoo..." She moves her hand as if to swat at an annoying fly. Sitting back at the table she grabs her pen and paper and looked up to him.

"So… what do I write down?" She's expecting an answer which he doesn't have at the moment as he still feels the call of the friend in his pants.

"Let's say…" Harry starts pacing while she follows him with her eyes. She knows pacing helps him think. "Got it. Write this. Item 14: Children. We let the chips fall."

"Is this your brilliant idea, to let the chips fall. You paced for this? We do nothing! Status quo!"

"Yes, if you get pregnant, great, we both want a child and if you don't, great as we both want to enjoy what we have, just the two of us. Basically Ruth, face it. We don't know what we want, both possibilities would make us happy."

"Let the chips fall? You couldn't think of a less insightful way to express that thought?" Ruth looks at him like she doubts his mental capacity.

"Do better, please. Show me the extent of your writing skills." Harry is a bit put off by the smirk on her face.

"Very well. _**Item 14 – Children. Mandatory daily baby making sessions but not limited to, the occurrence of pregnancy**_ _._ _ **In case of no such occurrence, sessions will be kept for entertainment purposes.**_ "

Harry's smile spreads so wide, she believes he might swallow his ears…

He leans over and takes her lips in a melting kiss, his tongue brushing hers, invading the hot wetness of her beautiful mouth. He pulls away slightly.

"Your writing skills are so much better than mine, my love. They're not in the same time zone… not in the same galaxy."

He kisses her again while his hands are moving up from her waist to her breasts, caressing them over her clothes. His mouth moves from her lips to her ear lobe.

"May I suggest we adjourn this session of the committee to the bedroom for the afternoon?"

She lifts her hand and places it on the nape of his neck, pulling his mouth to her lips. "I believed that so far we've done our best communicating on this table, maybe we should stick to it."

His hands go to her blouse that he lifts over her head and nuzzles at her breasts while his hands are busy taking off her bra.

Harry growls. "Agreed!"


	19. The meaning of secrets - chapter 19

**Sorry for not writing for so long. I went back to the hospital yet again. This time they kept me long enough to make sure I wasn't coming back. I feel much better but still have a little recuperating to do.**

 **Is there something I'm not doing right… I'm not getting a whole lot of reviews. I just don't understand. What should I do to get more reviews? Is there a trick to it or is my story just so boring it doesn't deserve comments. I'm just confused about the whole thing. Please tell me. I so enjoy reviews, I'd like more.**

 **Hope you enjoy this chapter.**

 **Warning: This chapter has M rated part to it. Please take that into consideration when reading.**

 **Chapter 19.**

It's early morning and Ruth is putting a load in the washer when the doorbell rings. Scarlet, sitting by the back door, jumps and runs to the front door. Ruth gets there a moment later and opens the door.

"Catherine. What a nice surprise. Come in, please."

Catherine hugs and kisses Ruth on both cheeks. They have become fast friends while and after Ruth was in the hospital. They had lunch and tea regularly and had bonded. When Harry had gone back to work, Catherine had spent lots of time with her at her father's request and as Ruth was still recuperating at that time, there was little less to do but talk.

For Ruth, it felt nice to have a girlfriend… with her working hours she hadn't had the luxury of bonding with another woman, talk about the little things as well as the big ones. Ruth had never been a girly girl and lucky for her, neither was Catherine. They both had a love of old movies, used book stores and Harry Pearce. He was their number one topic of conversation.

Ruth's relationship with Graham was good, but not as tight as with her step-daughter. They had become confidantes and trusted one another.

"Please, go through. In the kitchen if you don't mind. I'm doing a load of wash." They walked to the back of the house where the kitchen was located.

"Tea, Catherine?" Ruth asked her filling the kettle.

"Get your load in, I'll make tea." Catherine answered with a smile. "Where's Dad?"

Ruth replied from the back room. "He's just gone grocery shopping and on a few other errands. It's been a hectic week and we have so much to do before work tomorrow."

Ruth enters the kitchen, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear, her hand catching the sun.

"OH MY GOD, RUTH! Catherine squeales looking at Ruth. "He didn't… yes! He did. He got you to say yes. My father is a genius."

Ruth's puzzlement clearly shows on her face. Catherine points at the older woman's hand. "That, Ruth… The rock on your finger?"

Ruth extends her hand and looks at it with a smile "Oh! The ring."

"YES… THE ring… He proposed. My dad proposed, didn't he?"

Catherine is ecstatic and her expression of pure delight is slowly creeping on Ruth who starts to giggle.

"Yes he did. You're father's a romantic. It was a really wonderful proposal. A definite improvement from his proposal in a cemetary, during a funeral."

She had told Catherine about Harry's earlier proposal of marriage.

Catherine lets out another loud squeal and hugs Ruth with all her strength. She grabs Ruth's hand to look at the ring. They move to sit down at the table.

"Wow… It's so beautiful, Ruth. I want to know about the proposal. Do you mind... Please tell me, I'm dying to know?"

"I'd love to Catherine. I have no one else I trust to share this with." Ruth starts her rendition of the last 24 hours.

"We went for dinner first, same restaurant as our first date. He proposed once we got back here and I said yes."

"My God Ruth… This… I could read off a box of cereals. Remember Flaubert. God's in the details. You can do better than this."

Ruth walks to the counter and starts making tea, Catherine totally forgot about it when she saw the ring.

"Dinner was amazing. The food was incredible and the atmosphere very romantic. Afterwards, we came back home. I went upstairs and he took Scarlet out."

Catherine stops her. "Now too much details Ruth. I don't really care about what Scarlet was doing when Dad proposed. You are really new at the girlfriend conversation." Catherine teased.

Ruth sighed. "When he came up, he had champagne and the most adorable bouquet of violets. My favourites. He then kneeled and started talking. He told me that when I gave him my heart, I gave his life purpose and that his heart was mine to safeguard…. And…" Ruth chokes up reliving the beautiful moment, she takes a deep breathe before continuing.

From behind her, Catherine hears her father's voice.

"Catherine. How nice to see you." She gets up to kiss her father. He looks at Ruth and sees how emotional she is.

"What's wrong love."

"Nothing, mon Coeur… No... really. I was just telling Catherine how you proposed and I got all choked up thinking how romantic and beautiful it was."

They both see pride on Harry's face. Catherine couldn't stay quiet. "Ruth and I agree that it's a definite improvement on your first proposal."

Harry's eyes turn right away to his Fiancée, shock on his face. "You… you… told her?"

Ruth blushes with embarrassment. "She pulled it out of me… I just… her… she could teach interrogation techniques, she's that good."

Harry laughs. "She learned from the best… She was regularly on the receiving end of said techniques when she was young."

He looks at both women with a tender smile before saying: "I have bags to bring in. I'll be right back." He walks out of the kitchen and Catherine follows him to give him a hand, while Ruth starts putting away grocery. Harry comes back with a few bags. From one of them, he pulls out a bottle of champagne.

"Could one of you put the champagne on ice for later? I still have a few bags to bring in. I'll unpack the grocery and we can have champagne to celebrate our engagement."

He walks up to Ruth and kisses her deeply, tasting the sweetness that is her. He wraps his arms around her and dips her, taking possession of her mouth, his tongue engaging with hers in a delicious mêlée.

"Hey… you two. Dad, please. You're supposed to be… more… restrained." Catherine is warmly smiling at the scene. It made her happy to see the love between them.

"I've tried restrained Catherine… didn't work for me. I believe it's overrated." Harry pulls away from Ruth, gives a playful slap to her backside before he walks out of the room. "Be right back love."

Ruth looks at his retreating back, a hand rubbing her butt cheek. "How can you not love that man?"

Catherine looks at her, shaking her head. "Ruth… he's got you good… But it's ok… because you've got him good too."

Catherine leaves the kitchen after her father. They keep bringing bags after bags into the kitchen. At one point, Ruth looks at him and all the bags surrounding her…

"Harry… What's all this. There's enough food for an army."

Harry is a bit embarrassed, puts his hands in his pocket looking for an answer. Finally he looks around and says sheepishly. "I might have gone a little overboard."

"You think! I'm not sure there's enough space for all this." Ruth is standing in the middle of the kitchen looking at boxes, jars and cans, in all shapes and sizes covering every single inch of space in the kitchen.

"It looks like a grocery store exploded in here." she adds looking at him totally confused.

Harry gives her a slightly embarrassed look. "I was going through the aisles and I thought we could throw an engagement party next weekend. So I bought a few things we might need for it. What do you think?"

She walks up to him and taking his face in her hands she kisses him gently and move into his arms hugging him. "You are so… so… I don't have the words."

"Infuriating… frustrating…" Catherine peeps which made her father pull his tongue at her over Ruth's shoulder.

"Adorable." Is Ruth's answers "Put your tongue back in your mouth dear. It's not a good look for you." and she pulls away a little and kisses him again. Catherine laughing hard and loud as she starts putting the grocery away.

By the time they are done, Ruth has invited Catherine to spend the day with them and stay for dinner that evening. She also calls Graham to invite him over.

Grabbing a pad and paper, Ruth comes to sit down at the table, nodding at Catherine to join her.

"Ok… We need a list of everything we need for the party. Item 1…" she says without thinking… but then she remembers the day before. She blushes and tries to focus on the paper lying in front of her.

Harry turns around abruptly, looks at her, heat and desire in his eyes. He remembers the same moment. He walks out of the kitchen dropping on his way out. "We're going to need more champagne… for the party… I'll go get a case."

Catherine is baffled by her father's quick escape and looks at Ruth for an answer. But Ruth is no help. Her head is bent over her list, she looks like she's writing the most important document ever written, while her face looks like it's burning.

"Ruth… why…" Catherine starts asking. It seems like she's going to need all the interrogation techniques she learned. Ruth can be a tough nut to crack sometimes.

The dinner that night is a joyful one. Catherine and Graham are happy to share the moment with Ruth and Harry. They are told about the impeding resignation, the sale of the house and the move outside of London. Things are moving fast, but they've wasted so much time, they are not wasting a minute more.

"We are giving notice tomorrow. If we're lucky we should be able to leave in two weeks… a month at the latest." Harry is hoping Erin will be replacing him, making the need for a long notice unnecessary.

"And you are not stepping outside your office for the whole time. I'm not risking you getting hurt." Ruth is unwavering about it. She had mentioned it as soon as they had started to talk about resignation.

"I said I wouldn't…" Harry is a little put off. He thought he could enjoy some field work before he retires. He wants to have some fun before leaving.

"You did, mon Coeur. But I don't trust you. You have that look on your face… like it's the last innings and you want to have the most runs."

Harry had the good sense of looking embarrassed. "I'm not going to endanger myself. I promise. But you have to let me enjoy my last day on the job. Ruth…"

"Let's talk about it later… shall we. We have company and this is not something we are going to agree on quickly."

Catherine brought a much needed change to the conversation. "So… the wedding. What are you plans?"

Ruth looked up at Catherine, a large grin on her lips. "I've made a li…" Looking at Harry, she blushes and starts again. "I've written down a few ideas… Your father and I agreed on a wedding within 6 months which doesn't give us a lot of time. I'll need your help Catherine."

"Count me in. I'll be there for you Ruth. We're going to have a blast."

Graham and Harry look at one another… "It seems our company is no longer desired. About, you and I take Scarlett for a walk, while these two talk chiffons and flowers."

The women don't even notice them leaving, so enthralled they are in the wedding planning.

Later as they were getting ready for bed, Ruth asked Harry if they should amend Item 1 on their list.

"Why would we need to amend it? You don't want to resign anymore?" Was his first reaction not thinking of their earlier conversation with Catherine.

"No I was thinking along the line of _**before said resignation comes into force, both parties will do their best not to get killed, hurt or maimed and will avoid being in the field.**_ " She says obviously satisfied with her wording.

"Who are you kidding with _**both parties**_? You know as well as I do that this is solely address to me."

Harry is considered a brilliant strategist and he needs his best to get out of this pickle. He moves up to her, naked as a jay bird, his walk aiming at seducing her. Unfortunately for him, Ruth knows all the weapons in his arsenal.

"No, No, mon Coeur, remember sex cannot be used as a bargaining chip.

Harry tried shock for good measure. "How can you think I would do such a thing?"

She looks at him; now that she is also naked she feelt they had an even field. She put her hands on her hips and looked at him without a word, her eyes doing the speaking for her. Harry felt his strategy weakening.

"But even if I was using sex, which I'm not, but let's say hypothetically that I am, then it wouldn't be as a bargaining chip but rather as a strategic move to make you see the fault of your reasoning."

"There no hypothetically, about your arrogance Mon Coeur? Your ego is as big as the national debt. But if we are talking hypothetically, my love."

Ruth's arms go up to cross against her chest, making her breasts lift in an exquisite cleavage.

 _She's really not playing fair._ He just can't call her on it as the view is magnificent and he is intent on enjoying it.

"Yes Hypothetically Kitten."

"Then hypothetically how many free passes do you have left, Mon Coeur."

His eyes went from her chest to her eyes. She was dead serious. His face turned several shades of red, from his forehead to his throat. Funny how he never blushed before her and how she was the only one who could make him.

"After my cock up earlier this week, I'll get a new one in 18 days."

"Yes Harry, after you grabbed my breasts right in front of your children, you lost your pass. So I suggest you are very careful about your next move."

She moved closer to him, folding her hands on his nape, rubbing her naked body against his.

"Would you like to talk about the error of my reasoning now or would you rather I squeeze it out of you while you're inside me?"

"Who's using sex now Kitten, if I can't neither can you."

Her arms go down and turning around she sit on the chair in the corner of the room.

"Ok then, let's talk about this. Harry, I can't stand the thought of putting yourself in harm's way."

Harry knows he lost. He just can't have a discussion with her while she parades her naked body in front of his eyes. He walks over to her, grabs her and picks her up to take her over to their bed. She doesn't have time to actually lie down that Harry is inside her, deep inside her and not moving.

"I'm going to be docile and careful, Kitten. I'll bury myself in bubble wrap. I promise. Nothing will happen to me."

Ruth can't keep her mind on the conversation. He isn't moving and he knows how desperate that makes her.

"Harry… please." She says purring.

"What Kitten… what do you want."

"Move Harry, please."

He slowly moves his hips almost getting out of her and pushes back in slowly, so very slowly it almost kills him.

"Like this Kitten. See I'm being docile, doing what you want and I'm being careful with you."

"Mon Amour, you are an ass in a class of its own. You know what I want. Move Harry."

Harry believes he has a chance at freedom for his last weeks on the job, he isn't going to jeopardize it, so he doesn't move.

"Mon Coeur, you know you can't win at that game, don't you. I'm just trying to be gentle with your ego and not make evident how much I own you, my darling man."

To make her point she starts clenching around him. "It's called kegel muscle move. Not a battle tried move but one that works with you every time, Mon Amour."

Harry blanches, his plan going out the door as Ruth is biting his lobe while softly purring in his ears. Her hands go up his chest and her nails lightly scratch his nipples, still clenching and unclenching around him.

"You win Kitten. You can amend Item 1 any way you want. I'm going to make you scream my name, my Beautiful. I'm going to fuck your brains out and make you come until you beg me to stop."

"Prove it Pearce. Prove you're not all talks."

"Hold on Kitten, hold on."

Late into the night, Harry showed her how much longer older men can last and she proved to him she could hold on for as long as needed.

* * *

"Nice to see you Ruth. How are you… how was your week?"

"Very good Doctor. A lot happened."

"Never one to waste time, Ruth. Would you like to talk about last week?"

"I would… very much so. I have no one else to talk about this with. If I can't with my therapist, then who can I talk to." She adds with a giggle.

Dr. Barnes is really happy with her patient, pretty satisfied with the exercises she gave Ruth and how she came out of it with flying colors… every single one of them.

"Before we start, any nightmares this week… any flashbacks?"

"Not a single one in two weeks." Ruth said looking very proud of herself. "I'm getting better, aren't I Dr. Barnes."

The doctor gave her an encouraging smile. "Yes you are Ruth. Much better. You worked very hard and did everything I've asked of you. You should be proud of the work you did and the results you're getting."

"I am Dr. I am. There's still work to do but I'm getting there."

"That's good. You should enjoy your successes but never forget there's always place for improvement. Now that we've handle the niceties, would you like to talk about your week?"

Lisa liked Ruth. Nobody could stay indifferent to her. She was a mix between a nerd and a born nurturer and she grew on you. It wasn't proper for a psychiatrist to grow too close to her patient, but if she had to have an exception, Ruth would be it.

"So what happened since our last appointment?" Dr. Barnes could feel the aura of excitement from the woman sitting in front of her. She was dying to know what happened and from the looks of it, Ruth was dying to tell.

"So much... I mean everything changed." Ruth said with a dazzling smile.

"How so?"

"Last weekend Harry proposed, I said yes and we're having an engagement party next weekend.

"Oh… that's wonderful. I'm so happy for you Ruth." Lisa Barnes was an incurable romantic and after hearing the story of Ruth relationship with Harry, she had wanted the matrimonial outcome for her.

"And the same night we had sex… intercourse…"

Oh..oh… she was almost afraid to ask how the experience was. Ruth's insecurities about her sexuality and her lack of sex appeal were her biggest obstacle and even though she tried to encourage her patient to go outside her comfort zone, she knew that there wasn't an overnight solution to it.

"and…"

Ruth could feel the heat on her cheeks; she knew she was blushing… a lot.

"and I recommend it…. Wholeheartedly."

"Humm…. I see. I know how afraid you were about being unresponsive. Were you able to reach orgasm."

Ruth laughed before answering. "Did I ever… multiple times."

Dr. Barnes' smile matched hers.

Ruth rubbed her hands together and her eyes went down to examine the carpet. The blush on her face was a deep crimson.

"I know… I never thought I would. I thought for years that I never would… that it wasn't for me. I convince myself that I wasn't interested in sex. That all changed with Harry."

"In what way?"

"We've talked about it before… you know, how patient he was with me and how I got comfortable with him…"

"I know Ruth, but this is a major achievement. Intercourse was your biggest fear."

Ruth laughed out loud.

"I know and I don't know why. With Harry it's different… it's… it's…"

"You know the drill Ruth. Don't rehearse your words, just let it out."

"That's exactly it. With Harry I don't rehearse anything. I don't analyse, I don't think about what my next touch should be, how I look, the face I should make or not make. With him I just am. It's like my brain takes leave and I'm left with nothing to think about, just the way I feel. It's unsettling yet very freeing.".

"Of course it is. Do you know why it is?"

"You're going to tell me?"

"Why would I do that? When have I ever done that?"

Ruth let out a huge sigh. "Never, but I was hoping for an easy session."

"You don't do easy. Why is it unsettling and yet freeing not to think?"

Ruth sat straighter as if ready to do battle. After months of therapy, she still find it hard to talk.

"Because I don't do emotional… I don't just feel. I've always been known for my intellect and my first reaction is to go to it. Not to intellectualise something is unsettling and yet to only feel is freeing because it's a part of me I rarely express. I still have analysis party with myself, but when having sex with Harry, I don't… I'm just envelope in pleasure, I don't question why me."

"Expand on that please. Why you?"

Ruth gathered her thoughts for a minute and decided that she needed to talk about what troubled her the most. She said it earlier… if not to her therapist, who could she talked to.

"From the beginning, when I met him I was attracted to Harry but I was convinced that he could never return my feelings for him."

Ruth saw the doctor's eyebrows lift and reach new heights. She kept on going. She needed to make sense of this.

"You don't know Harry. He's known as somewhat of a womanizer. He's been with beautiful women, blondes, brunettes, red hair… all glamorous and beautiful. When I realised that he did return my feelings my first thought was why me? I'm neither glamorous or beautiful… or sexy for that matter. Harry thinks I'm all these things but for the life of me I really don't understand why he feels that way. I guess it's true love IS blind."

"You believed you're unattractive?"

"Not really. I don't think I'm ugly; I'm just not the type to turn heads. You know the type of women men's eyes follow."

"I see… so you think Harry settled with you. Why do you think he would do that? It seems to me, Harry is not the type of men to settle."

"I never thought of it in this way… I wouldn't say he settled, I just don't know why he wants me, to be with me when he could get any women he wants."

"What if you're exactly the woman he wants,"

"I know he wants me but I can't see why he wants me. Why me. Women are attracted to him, he's charismatic and charming. He's commanding and exudes power and that's a very strong aphrodisiac. I feel so lucky and grateful."

Ruth knew right away Dr. Barnes was not happy with her answer. She'd learned to read people well, which was a requirement to being a good spook.

"I see… are you grateful that Harry loves you or that he picked you."

"Euh… Both I guess."

"We are going to spend most of the session on this. I think it's important, but before we continue the conversation, I'd like to give you an exercise to do before our next appointment. You might need help with it but I have confidence in you and I know you'll succeed as per your usual."

"I'm listening."

A few hours later, Ruth speed dialled her step daughter.

"Hello."

"Hello Catherine. It's Ruth. I need you help… please don't ask me why but would you mind shopping with me tomorrow.

* * *

 **Please review. It's much appreciated**.


	20. The meaning of secrets - Chapter 20

**Thank you for the reviews. I really appreciate them.**

 **Even though I thought that justifying why Harry and Ruth changed so drastically and explaining that dying does that to a person, in the end, the characters I wrote about diden't act like the Harry and Ruth of the show however justified they were in changing.**

 **I get it and I'm glad a reviewer pointed that out to me as to why I wasn't getting many reviews.**

 **I also realize that even though I believe my English has improved, I'm still quite far from writing like an English person and that grammatical error can distract from a story.**

 **At this point it's too late to change the whole story so I guess that I'm writing this for myself... lol :-)**

 **Chapter 20**

"I'm sorry, is this seat taken?"

The voice behind him bring Harry out of his reverie. Ruth had asked him to meet her at the bustling bar in the middle of the afternoon. So he wasn't surprise to hear her voice, but her question was kind of strange.

He gets up before turning around to her and looses his voice. Harry is completely mesmerized by the woman standing there. She is every man's fantasy brought to life. She's wearing more makeup than usual, her eyes smoky and her lips the color of ripe rasberry. His eyes go down from her face. She's wearing a very tight grey pencil skirt that hugged her hips and made her back side look delectable. A high collar white shirt tucked inside the skirt and a short jacket the suit. Her waist looks tiny and her breasts make him drool. His eyes go down the body of the glorious creature standing in front of him waiting for his answer.

Harry still can't bother with words as his eyes meet a pair of black nylons that disappear in black 4 inch stilettos. He sees the tip of the shoe taping the floor, waiting for him to say something. He doesn't know where she is leading him but he sure is going to play the game. He loves the naughty librarian look. That was one of his favourite fantasies.

"I'm sorry, how rude of me. Please, have a seat and if you don't think me too forward, I'd be happy to keep you company while you're waiting for your… husband?"

She gives him her most beautiful smile, happy that he's playing along. She doesn't notice the men looking at her from all over the bar. She has no idea how breathtaking she is.

 _I'm such a bloody lucky bastard she chose me. I want her right now… God I want her._

"I'm not married, just waiting for a friend." She answers lowering her eyes in a flirtatious way.

He waves the waiter who almost runs to them, his eyes fixed on Ruth as if she is a mouth-watering dish.

"I'll have a single malt and the lady will have… whatever she wants." Harry smiles at her ignoring the glare from the bar tender who obviously wants him out of the competition for the woman's attention.

Playful Ruth is bewitching. Turning to Harry she holds out her hand and softly speaks. "My name is Penelope. Nice to meet you."

Gently taking her hand in his, he moves it to his lips, kissing the back of it. "I'm Mark. The pleasure is all mine, I assure you. It's not every day that I get to entertain such a beautiful woman even if it's only for a moment."

She can't keep the blush from her cheeks. "Hum… I'm not sure what I want. Could I see your wine list, please." She says turning back to the bar tender. After giving her the menu, he moves away, remembering he still has to work.

Ruth pulls a pair of glasses from her purse and puts them on, low on the bridge of her nose. Harry almost swallows his tongue.

 _Perfect… My God, she's the naughty librarian personified._

He isn't the only man who noticed. The look was perfect, classy and sexy wrapped in innocence. Very hard to resist. Every man in the vicinity are zoning on her.

The bar tender comes back and puts a glass of champagne in front of her.

"From the gentleman over there in the corner."

Ruth turns around and notice a man lifting his glass to her. She smiles and turn back to the bar tender.

"Thank you."

The blush on her face is delighting Harry. He feels so proud to be with her but the caveman in him makes him glare at the man in the corner who nods in return. Message received. Your move, Sir.

Having taken care of the competition, Harry turns back to Ruth.

"What kind of work do you do Penelope?"

"Oh… nothing exciting really… I'm just a little old librarian."

Harry feels his brain move south. She knows what she's doing the little minx.

"Nothing boring about that, not when the librairian looks like you. I'll bet you get attention from… "

Before he can finish his sentence a second glass appears in front of Ruth. White wine this time.

"From the gentleman two tables over on your left. He also asked me to give you his card." The waiter says almost grinding his teeth making it evident that he'd like to spend more time with the good looking woman sitting at his bar.

Ruth takes the business card and looks at it. She's never provoke that kind of attention before. Catherine's help was paying off.

Harry notices a phone number written on the back of the card she's holding between her fingers. He takes it and tears it apart before laying it on the bar.

"We are not going to push the game too far, Beautiful. You're not taking phone numbers."

The bar tender was back with a third glass… Harry needed to put a stop to it. He looked around glaring at the room at large. Coming back to Ruth, he puts a hand on her tigh and kisses her cheek, moving his lips along her jaw until he reached her ear.

"I'm not going to let them think they have a chance with you, Sweetheart."

She smiles, enjoying his lips on her skin.

"Behave Harry… Remember to play nicely with the other children."

"Mine, Ruth… Mine… I don't like to share.'

"I know Mon Coeur… such a caveman." She giggles loud enough to cause a few male necks to suffer whiplashes.

 _Her laughs is quite distracting… how she doesn't know that baffles me._

The bar tender is back again. Harry is about to lose patience. He can't talk to her because of all the interruptions. How is he supposed to seduce her; because that's what is aiming for… seducing her.

"I'd be happy to bring you another drink if you don't want the champagne or the wines." Harry can see the hope in his eyes. A word from her and he would be done with work. That much Harry was sure, he knew the signs well.

Harry rolls his eyes. Such a feeble excuse. Not a great tribute for the survival of the specie. He turns back to Ruth, fast enough to notice a bit of a smug expression on her face that disappears as soon as his eyes land on her face. His kitten is enjoying herself. Two could play that game.

"May I suggest white burgundy. I'm sure you'd like it, Penelope. It's sweet and refreshing with a hint of depth in the end." She looks at him and nods. She knows what he's doing. Bringing her back to their first date was a dead give-away.

He leans over to whisper to her ear while his hand navigates to her thigh and stays there.

"Game on, Beautiful."

"I'll have a glass of white burgundy then." He hears her say.

The bar tender looks dejectedly at Harry, put off. "Very well then. Excellent choice Sir." It's obvious to Harry the man is not refering the wine.

Ruth is unaware of the exchange and concentrate on Harry,

"Tell me Mark. What is a good looking man like you doing, all alone, in a bar like this."

"Just having a drink before heading home."

"Anyone waiting for you there?"

"Yes, my fiancée, the most beautiful woman in the world."

Ruth pouts at his answer. It isn't part of her game that much is apparent but he's having so much fun, he wants her to work a little more for what she wants.

"She's like no other woman, intelligent, beautiful… a sexy librairian."

She smiles at him, that shy smile that makes him want her. She leans over and kisses his cheek.

"Adorable… you are adorable my love."

Just as he's going to reply, a man move to her other side. It's the guy from the business card. He looks in his mid 40's and has the aura of a player. Harry almost grunts from his side. She truly feels like she's between a rock and a hard place. She's enjoying the attention but she knows Harry will only take so much.

The man ignores Harry and hold out his hand at Ruth.

"Allow me to introduce myself. Richard Davies at your service."

American… the man is American. She flips her head to Harry worried he might try to tackle the younger man.

Still looking at Harry, Ruth shakes Richard's hand and says her name.

"Penelope, nice to meet you."

She feels Harry hand tightening on her thigh, squeezing it. She better find a way to lighten to atmosphere or this might turn into a bar brawl. She had to ignore the side of her who finds the whole situation totally flattering. For the first time in her life, she feels like a femme fatale. Dr. Barnes was so right to suggest this.

Shaking her head at Harry, she turns to Richard.

"Oh… how nice. You're American. Where from?"

"I moved to London last year, from Chicago. I love your city."

"So nice of you to say, Richard."

"I mean every words, Penelope. I truly fell in love with London and it's inhabitant." Her hands still in his, he brings it to his lips and kisses it.

She feels Harry fingers start taping on her thigh… furiously

 _Get… rid… of… him…_

"May I introduce you to Mark?"

Taking her hand back, she leans against the back of the chair so that both men can shake hands, until she realizes…

 _Nope… not going to happen._

"Mark was telling me about his work for the government."

Richard isn't going to make it easy.

"I'm sure it's fascinating but I'd much rather hear about your life."

 _Get… rid… of… him… or… I… will…_

She's almost surprised that Harry can squeeze her thigh and tap at the same time… with one hand.

"I'm sorry Richard but Mark has invited me to spend the afternoon with him and I have accepted."

The look of dissapointment on the man's face is genuine.

"I'm sorry I wasn't quick enough or I would be spending the afternoon with a beautiful woman. You have my phone number. If he disappoints, please do not hesitate to call me. I'll be sure to show you a good time."

She feels Harry tense beside her, ready to pounce. He's taping a storm.

 _I… swear… Ruth. I… am… going… to…_

"Thank you Richard but I don't think I will. I'm sure I won't be disappointed but thank you just the same. Hope you have a nice day."

Richard turned around and left them.

"Ouf… that was close. I was afraid of what you might do, mon Coeur. You've got to learn to control your jealousy."

Harry mutters under his breath.

"Mine... These jackasses better get the message."

"Oh… Harry. I love you so much."

Harry leaned over to her and kisses her, rubbing her lips with his, his tongue demanding entry into her mouth which she can't deny.

When he pulls away she whispers to him.

"Wow… I'm making out with you. I love it."

To say he is shocked would be an understatement. A few years back she had pulled away from him because of office gossip and now she acts as if the judgement of others wasn't even a consideration. She is so brave and so strong. God how he loves her.

His lips go to her neck and kisses her right under her ear. She moves her head a little to give him a better access.

"Sorry my love. you are such a temptation... You are so sexy and beautiful. You're every fantasy I've ever had." His mouth close to her ear, moving her head sideways she invites him to nibble some. He obliges her.

She lifts her hand to wave at the bar tender.

"Check please."

Harry goes to pull away to pay the check but her hand on the back of his head tells him she wants him to keep his lips where they are; on her neck. It"s her game and he's enjoying himself. He's not going to argue... not for a second.

She settles the bill before she turns around to Harry and kisses him deep and hard. Picking up her purse, she takes his hand and pulls him from his chair. She walks towards the exit and moves them outside.

"Where are we..."

"Patience my love, It's something I've been asked to do and you're helping. Is that ok?"

"Oh, my god. You are going to be the death of me."

Right there, on the side walk, Ruth grabbed him by his tie and kisses him, deeply, passionately... before whispering against his mouth.

"But what a way to go, mon coeur."

She pulls away, keeping his hand in hers, she starts walking down the street.

He doesn't know what she has planned but frankly he doesn't care. She is so hot, so incredibly hot, his hard on is going to break the zipper on his trousers. So he doesn't talk and simply goes along.

They walked in a small hotel where Ruth pulled him to the reception desk.

Good afternoon Sir... Madam. How may I help you.

Harry is going to answer but a squeeze from her hand on his and her words stops him.

"We'd like a room please."

"Do you have a reservation?"

"No we don't." She answers while looking into Harry's eyes.

"The porter will take your luggage."

"No luggage."

He sees in her eyes that it requires a good deal of courage from her, knowing the clerk probably thinks they are having a sleazy one night stand… in the middle of the afternoon.

 _Why does she wants this. She's being so blatant about it, as if taunting the clerk into thinking she's something she's not. I don't get it._

She pulls his hand again bringing him out of his musing.

Entering the elevator, she pushes him against the back wall of the cabin and kisses him with all she has in her.

He pulls back. "Ruth, I don't understand..."

She lifts a finger to his lips stopping his word.

"I'll explain once we're in the room. I promise. Give me just a few more minutes. Please Harry."

Ruth takes his mouth with hers, overwhelming his senses when her wet mouth takes his earlobe and suckles on it. He isn't going to diverge her from her goal.

 _God, she's really trying to kill me._

As soon as the door closes behind them, Ruth starts dancing around, pushing her fist in the air, chanting none stop.

"I did it. I did it. I did it. I did it."

All rosy cheek, sparkling eye and happy smile, her face is glowing.

"What is it you did, Ruth. Did I miss it?"

She stops and holding a finger up to him, she picks up the phone.

"I'd like a bottle of champagne for room 305, please." and she hungs up.

"Come and sit with me Harry, I want to celebrate."

With a completely confused look on his face, Harry doesn't move and repeats.

"To celebrate?"

Ruth starts dancing around the room again.

"YES! Because I did it, did it, did it."

She moves to him and bumps his hips with hers, moves around to bump his behind, then his other hips... before she comes around to bump against his crotch who's sporting a very noticable bulge, he grabs her arms and stops her.

"If you don't start making sense soon, Ruth, I'm going to believe that... that... I don't know what to believe."

That gets her to stop. She grabs his face between her hands and deeply looking into his eyes she starts explaining.

"I'm sorry I didn't tell you upfront, but I had to do it on my own."

Harry isn't any wiser on what she did, but she keeps on explaining.

"I told you Harry I want to be different with you. I want to shed my insecurities… be all I can be, for you… but for me. I'm not making any sense am I?"

His look of disbelief and confusion answers for him. She takes a deep breath and starts again.

"From the moment I felt you were interested in me, I've been wondering why me. I saw your wife, Juliette and Elena. All beautiful, glamorous women and I'm not."

He's about to interrupt her but she doesn't let him.

"I don't think… euh… didn't think of myself as sexy… as a woman who attracts men's attention. During my last appointment with Dr. Barnes, I told her that I couldn't figure out why you were with me. She gave me an exercise to do before our next appointment."

Harry is bemused by her words. "An exercice?"

"Yes… she gave me quite a few in the past, almost every week I had something to do. They did wonders for me. Honestly. With your patience and your whole idea of taking it slow, which was genius if I may say so, it took me to where I am now… what I did today."

Still not doing it for him, Harry just answers. "What you did?"

"Yes. I did it… I did it…" She's dancing again and Harry pinches the bridge of his nose before speaking.

"Ruth, I beg of you. Have mercy."

She walks up to him and puts her arms around him.

"Dr. Barnes wanted to make the point that I deserve you… that I might be exactly what you want. So she told me to create a look…"

She pulls away and moves her hands down along her body and the clothes it displays.

"Catherine helped me with the look. She said and I quote, _my father is going to drool over you. He has thing for strong intelligent women._ I believe she was right on the money, which gave me another idea. I asked her because I wasn,t sure could achieve the right look on my own. Anyway… I was told to pick you up and take you to a hotel for a torrid afternoon."

She raises her gaze at him. His smile was endearing.

"What can I say… lucky me?"

Hers is a victorious smile. "You see the goal of the exercise was for me to realize that I could be the object of men's desire and that I AM beautiful and sexy, that in the end, I deserve you and I'm worthy of you choosing me. It's my answer to 'why me' I really never thought men would hit on me. I still can't believe I did it… I did it…"

And once more she's dancing around the room, fist in the air while his eyes are following. He's sure of it, she's the most adorable thing he's ever seen.

 _So courageous and she chose me. The things she did to be what she wanted to be are humbling. I'm the one not deserving her but I'm sure as hell not going to tell her. I am truly a lucky bastard, the luckiest of all the bastards._

"You also said it gave you an idea… what is it Ruth."

She stops yet again. This is starting to look like musical chair.

"Oh… I forgot about that part. Dr. Barnes had her goal, I had mine. I wanted to prove to myself I could be really assertive with you. I wanted to seduce you."

Surprise shows on Harry's face.

"I don't understand, you've been assertive with me. You've initiated sex lots of time."

"Yes… but always in the privacy of our bedroom with the curtains drawn and always in a sexual context. I just wanted to claim you, I wanted to choose you and not be chosen by you. I wanted to be the conqueror. Do you understand?"

"Totally my love, I guess the cavewoman in you wanted to come out."

It was like a light bulb turned on for her.

"Exactly. I met my cavewoman for the very first time and I have to say, I really, really enjoyed her."

"Not as much as I did, my love." He moves to her and takes her in his arms, kissing her lips first and going down to that little spot, where her shoulder and neck meet.

"I loved being claim. Never was before and I have to say to have you turn men away and put your total focus on me was incredibly arousing. I never thought it would but being claimed made me hot for you."

He was in awe of her. It went against everything he knew about her and he loved that she was trying to get what she wanted... for herself.

She kisses him and with the most dazzling smile. "I dress the part, kissed you in public, paid for our drinks, went to a hotel, without luggage or well-rehearsed excuses and made out in an elevator. I did it. Me, Ruth Evershed, I picked up a guy in a bar."

She looked so happy with her accomplishment, it doesn't matter that he's not a stranger, to everyone around them he was.

"Yes, Beautiful. You did it. On your own."

She hugs him tightly against herself. "Death changed me but you changed me too Harry. I want to be a better Ruth for you. You make me want to enjoy life, love and sex with you. We're going to have the best future ever, together, you and me. God, I don't have the words to tell you how happy I am."

Harry realised then how much they had changed to be together and how good those changes felt.

"I've also discovered myself with you, Ruth. I've always considered myself an alpha male."

"That you are Mon Coeur, alpha male and a caveman" she adds giggling

"I love when you are more assertive. Never thought of myself as being subdued or passive and I don't think I really am, but there's something to be said for not having to make decision.

"Hum… explain." She asks while taking his jacket and tie off before undoing the top buttons of his shirt. He explains further.

"I make decisions all the time, at work, at home, I'm in charge. When you take over it feels like a respite from responsibility. I don't have to think, decide or plan, I just let go and feel. I also love the way you are when you take charge, so incredibly alluring. Your eyes are darker, your skin flushed, you are my Amazon, a warrior woman getting off on her man. It turns me on to no end."

"So you enjoyed me leading today?"

"More than enjoy. I want to be your sex slave." he tells her with a huge grin.

She laughed at his joke... if he is joking. She will have to look further into this.

"Harry! I'm shocked. Interested but shocked. Who knew."

"Don't get me wrong, I'm not into collars and yes Mistress… far from it. But to give you the power over me trusting you won't abuse it, is liberating. To turn off my brain and just savour the sensation I get from your loving touch… I know you're mine but when you lead, I feel like I'm yours, totally yours more than in my head, I'm yours with my body, to do as you please, to show me how you love me."

"I understand Harry, because I've been yours for a long time in my mind and more recently in body. To have you give me control over you gives me a power the likes I've never had. I'm responsible for your pleasure, to give you pleasure, hum... nothing like that. To know that with me you have no control, you just let go. That's a high in itself. Add that to lead a strong man is such... a challenge... a turn on… such a powerful feeling. It's very hot, my love."

She pulls the shirt from his trousers while he takes her jacket off and keeps the conversation going.

"In the end, I've been turned on by you every time you put down the law because I'm being an overbearing caveman. You're sexiest when you're angry. I want to be at your feet worshiping you every time."

"Wow... Harry. I'm actually quite surprise by that. Never thought you could be aroused by the strength of a woman."

"You shouldn't be. I've always been with strong women. Elena, Juliet, my wife... they were all strong will women. That was always part of the attraction. I'm not talking about domination and submission even though I've referred to it... I'm talking about a partnership, sharing the lead, being with someone you trust to take over and who trust you to do the same. To me it's about being a team, being true partners."

She finishes unbuttoning his shirt and divesting him of it. He's been busy as she is standing in a simple slip, hugging her curves in the most delicious way.

A knock at the door interrupts them. Ruth runs to the bathroom, grabs a robe that she puts on. Coming back to him she unbuckles his belt and looks at him dressed only in his trousers.

"You're perfect... Mr. One-night-stand in the afternoon. Don't move, I'll be right back and we'll see how good you are at letting go and how assertive I can be."

* * *

A week later, Ruth is taking an empty tray of hors d'oeuvres back to the kitchen, going through the living room where all their friends and family are gathered. She's checking on the food heating in the stove as well as replenishing the serving plates on the table. They wanted the evening to be an informal affair… People filling their plates and moving around.

Their guests seem to be enjoying themselves and there's no shop talk. All members of the team made it, as well as Harry's children, Malcom, Wesley, Steven and Cheryl. Harry had invited a few friends from the army and a few of Ruth's friends from GCHQ and Mi-5 were also in attendance.

Ruth had removed her ring and given it to Harry for safe keeping. They didn't want it to be noticed and give the plot away. Both the engagement and resignation have been kept secret during the week.

Harry looks at Ruth from across the room. He nods at her and she nods back as she moves to his side. He digs her ring out his pocket, slides it back on her finger and holds on to her hand.

Harry raises his voice over the buzz of conversations. "May I have your attention, please?"

The room quiets down.

"Ruth and I have an announcement to make." He clears his throat before continuing. "Last week, I asked Ruth to marry me and she has accepted. You're all invited to the wedding."

Cheers erupt across the room. Malcom is heard saying that it's about bloody time, while Alec shouts a resounding Hallelujah. Everyone gathers around Ruth and Harry, kisses on the cheeks and hugs for her; handshakes, slaps on the back or punch on the arm for him. Champagne corks are popping all around and the mood is buoyant. The happy couple is accosted by every single guest, obviously very happy.

About an hour later, the commotion over the engagement has died down a little; Harry takes center stage once more. "I'm sorry, but we also have a second announcement." Harry takes a moment to get everyone's attention.

Calum's voice pops up. "Ruth's pregnant."

"No… Ruth's not pregnant." He thought for a second than turn to her "You're not… are you?"

She raises her voice. "I'm not pregnant." She sees the shadow of relief on Harry's face. She'll have to ask him later.

Harry starts talking again. "So… not pregnant. But Ruth and I would like to tell you all that we are resigning from the Service."

Everything stop dead. The silence is deafening. Not a peep, not a squeak. Harry and Ruth exchanged a look not knowing what to think. This was not the reaction they expected. The stillness of the room is becoming creepy.

But dear Calum saves the day when he whimpers… "No… no…. Mamma Bear, Papa Bear… you can't."


	21. The meaning of secrets - Chapter 21

**Thank for your reviews. It's such a validation of my story, that I'm not wasting my time writing this. It also makes me proud as I'm writing this in English. I don't have much practice for English in my life and I'm writing in English. I'm so pumped up with that. It probably takes me three times what other authors take but I don't care, I'm doing it. When people tell me thwy think my writing is good then they make it true... I'm doing this in English, I suceeded in the challenge I set for myself. Not only can I write but I can do it in a language that is not mine. I'm stoke people.**

 **Thank you so much everyone that read my story.**

 **Warning... some sexual conversation but no sex per say. Be advised.**

 **Chapter 21**

"Harry please get back in bed."

Harry is standing by the bed, totally oblivious to his fiancée's voice directed at him once again.

"Harry. Get back in bed now. Please."

Ruth is unmistakably annoyed but Harry's attention is on the man standing beside him and he doesn't hear a word she's saying.

There's total chaos in the room. It's one of those slapstick movie scenes. No one pays attention to her.

Catherine and Graham are on one side arguing.

"He's old enough to know what he needs." Graham, hands on his hips, is facing his sister.

"Oh you guys always stick together. He's not well." Catherine's hand is itching; she wants to slap both her brother and her father… just to put some sense into them.

The doctor is trying to get a word out but Harry is not letting him. "I don't need to stay. I've been worse, I'm telling you…"

Ruth voice rises ever so slightly. "For the love of God, Harry… will you get back in bed."

Still, all four people in the room are arguing and blessedly ignoring her. Her eyes starts glowering and her annoyance swells into full fledge anger, but it's not there yet. Her voice come out stronger this time but it's nevertheless fairly controlled delivering the words once more.

"Harry get in the god damned bed." She's trying to keep her anger at bay… but losing the battle. Her body tenses and her mind goes on a search and destroy mission.

 _Of all the stunts he has pulled… this is the end of the line._

Her eyes blazing with fury now, she raised her voice several degrees. "Harry, get in the bloody bed or so help me, I'll throw you in it myself."

Catherine and Graham fall silent in an instant and look at her with interest. Harry is still arguing with the doctor, not aware doom is coming his way.

Ruth loses it and yells. "HARRY! GET IN THE FUCKING BED – NOW!"

It gets Harry's attention. He turns to look at her. This is Enraged Ruth and he's meeting her for the very first time. He's never seen her look this furious. A quiver of fear goes through him. She seems to barely have a grip on her self-control.

He attempts to end the siege without bullets being fired. "Ruth, my love…" and Harry puts on his best pout.

 _Oops... big mistake_. He realizes too late.

Ruth raises her hand and points a finger at the man. She's fuming. "Oh no… you don't… HENRY JAMES PEARCE!" She roars at him. "GET… GET… GET IN THE MOTHERFUCKING BED, RIGHT NOW…"

She turns red either from anger or embarrassment at her choice of words, no one asks. She grabs hold of her anger and snarls at him.

"You get in that bed or I swear I'll pull on your arm until it comes off and hit you over the head with it and that's right before shoving your balls down your throath."

From their seats, Catherine and Graham look like they are about to break into applauds.

Harry is paralysed with shock. He's never heard her swear that much or use that particular American colloquial. He's also very impressed with the threat. Very colourful. Unfortunately, he hasn't moved yet.

"I said NOW HARRY… GET… IN… THE… BLOODY… GOD DAMNED… FUCKING BED… NOW" She howls every single word emphatically.

The return of her less than quiet tone makes Harry jump into action and he finally moves, as fast as his body allows him, to sit on the edge of the bed before gingerly lying down, nursing his wounded right arm and right leg.

Ruth is far from done. "You two." Pointing at Catherine and Graham. "You two sit down and shut the bugger up."

The young people do as they are told and sit, both wearing a gleeful smile, knowing their father has met his match and is about to get it with both barrels. They find the whole situation very… entertaining.

Ruth turns to the doctor, who'd like nothing better than to get away from the swearing screeching shrew, although he fears he might end up having to upgrade his patient's condition if he leaves.

She takes a few deep breaths, trying to compose herself. Her next words come out in a somewhat controlled growl. "Doctor, could you please give us a few minutes. I need to talk to… to… this man..."

Pointing at Harry, she's looking for the right adjective, which boosts her tone... yet again.

"To this… this… idiot, this inconsiderate jackass, this sodding witless jerk." The volume of her voice is back a few octaves higher. The doctor doesn't need an invitation… he runs out of the room without a single word.

As the door closes, Ruth turns to the object of her fury. "Harry Pearce. Of all the bullshit you've pulled… this…. this takes it all." She says her hand waving at the several dressing covering his body.

Harry thinks he might have a chance… "Ruth…" He's sorely mistaken.

She walks closer to the bed… to Harry it might be too close to the bed.

 _CIA interrogation techniques don't seem so bad right now._ Harry thinks wondering if the redness on her angry face will ever fade. _Torture over angry Ruth any time._

She jabs a finger in his chest… hard. "You… shut… up… Harry. I'm so bloody pissed at you right now. "

A second finger is added to the first one. "Didn't I specifically ask you to be careful and not get hurt?"

"Ruth…"

"Didn't I?" She goes back to one finger poking. He's thankful for her consideration.

"Yes Ruth… you did." Harry looks at her… he feels strangely…

Another poke of her finger brings him back to her. "And didn't I ask you not to go in the field and get yourself killed."

"Yes you did, Ruth." Harry has never seen her more beautiful. Anger suits her.

"Didn't we discuss this subject and even amended item 1 stating that you would stay away from the field."

Catherine and Graham exchange a look filled with curiosity mouthing _Item 1_. It warranted further investigation.

"Yes Ruth… we did." Her eyes are sparkling, she exudes power and authority. She looks supremely dominating… which he never thought he would find so unbelievably attractive.

"And did you or did you not…" she flips her fingers up, one by one as she lists his injuries. "Break your ankle, sprain your wrist, bruise two ribs AND your kidneys… and God knows what else in a stake out operation, which turned into a hostage situation and a CO19 intervention."

"I did, Ruth" Harry answers her, calling upon every ounce of will he has within him not to smile. She's striking… magnificent… stunning... and she's definitely turning him on. He wants her so exceedingly much at this moment that he doesn't care about the pain it would entails for his wounded body. He pulls the blanket over his lap, hiding his already sizable and growing erection.

She recognize the glint in his eyes… she's seen it too many times not to know. She looks down on him, pulling the blanket away. She puts her hand into a fist and waves it under his nose.

"WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU? ARE YOU BLOODY SUICIDAL? I'M SO MAD I CAN TASTE IT AND YOU'RE FUCKING TURNED ON. YOU'VE GOT TO BE KIDDING. I CAN'T STAND LOOKING AT YOU RIGHT NOW. BUGGER OFF HARRY! BUGGER THE FUCK OFF."

Harry is in survival mode now and he can't think of a way to get out of the situation of his own creating.

 _I'll have to ask her to amend item 13 to a weekly free pass, my cock has definitely the worse timing and I'm still three days from the next free pass._

She pulls away from him, afraid of what she might do to him. She can't see clearly, she's so angry.

"Complet imbécile, il est un complet imbécile. L'homme que j'aime n'a pas deux sous de bon sens pour lui sauver la vie". (Tr. Total idiot, he is a total idiot. The man I love doesn't have two ounces of common sense to save his life.)

She walks to the door, breathing deeply, trying to control herself... knocking her head against the door.

Harry is grateful she has her back to him as her speaking french had the usual effect on him, not withstanding the fact that she was calling him an idiot. His already blatant condition was only getting harder and longer...

"I love him… I'm not going to hurt him… I love Harry… I love him with all my heart, even if I want to kill him… I love him."

Graham whispers in his sister's ears. "You've got to respect the man… I mean… it's not easy to achieve lift off under the circumstances.

Catherine turns to him and glares. The young man realises his whisper wasn't low enough when Ruth's head snaps towards him and gives him a deadly stare. Graham squirms in his seat.

No one in the room dare say a word. They just give her the time she needs. Catherine and Graham are back to enjoying themselves. Fights were never this fun with their mother.

Harry is smiling at her back for a totally different set of reasons. _My God… I love her… She's glorious… Hum… black leather shoes, black corset, the one she wore when he proposed. No Harry… don't go there… not yet. She's really mad. My God, she's right, my timing does really suck._

After a few minutes, Ruth turns around again… her anger has subside and it's obvious she keeping a tight fist on it.

"You are not… and I mean it Harry… you are not to discharge yourself from this hospital. You will lie in this bed and stay put until the doctor discharges you… and no one else… You will come home and will not go to the grid before the doctor says you can. If the week runs out before you can go back… tough luck! Understood?"

"Yes, Ruth." He's sticking to his answer, not wanting to gear her up again with the wrong words.

"Harry, when I got the phone call, it hurt so much, here." She puts her hand on her stomach… "a belly ache of the wrong kind…"

She sees understanding in his eyes… and regrets. "I thought I had lost you. I felt my heart sink. I didn't know how to deal with this pain. Then I got angry and I just let it take over and it felt good." She walks up to the side of the bed, taking his hand, her eyes getting lost in his _._

 _To think I could have lost him. No. I can't think about it._

She looks at the face she loves more every day and surrenders to him. She gives him a shy apologizing smile… full of her fears, her love and full of him. She melts in spite of her hammering heart, leaning over she kisses him tenderly. The nervousness he felt for the last few minutes now changes to elation.

 _I'm such a leech, I know how it feels. How could I be so thoughtless? Thank God… She's forgiven me_.

He couldn't feel more guilty or happier than right now. He needs to express how sorry he is. He was just thinking of having some fun before retiring.

"I understand… I won't do it again… ever. I know how agonizing it was for me, every time you were threatened, how much it hurts, how long the minutes are. I never wanted to make you feel this way. I won't do it again. I swear."

"Oh… Harry…" He grins at her. She feels her anger taken away by his smile... _He's hurt, but alive and the doctor said it will be a full recovery_.

"I thought I had lost you. Please… I love you too much to lose you now…"

He pulls on her hand to make her lean closer and hugs her to him before giving her a quick hard kiss.

Ruth stands up again, turns to Catherine and Graham obviously moved by the scene.

"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have lost it like I did. I'm really sorry for telling you to sit down and shut up." Ruth's face is blushing furiously.

The amusement is back. They look at one another sneering before looking at her again.

Catherine beams at her step-mother. "No harm done Ruth. It was in fact very instructive. I can't say that I've often seen my Dad so docile…" Catherine giggles and points at her father. "Yes Ruth… Yes Ruth… that was priceless Dad…"

"Wait until I tell Malcom." Graham smirks at his father.

Harry turns several shades paler. "Graham, you don't… you won't… You will not repeat a single word of what happened here."

"He's right Graham." He hears coming from Ruth. "Wait for the transcript. I'll have copies for everyone." Ruth's smile is large and devious.

Harry feels the blood dropping to his feet. "Ruth, Darling, My Love… You wouldn't."

She stares at him intently. "La vengeance est un plat qui se mange froid, Mon Cœur" (Tr. Revenge is a dish best served cold, mon Cœur.)

For years later, this would be told, over and over, as the end of Harry Pearce's career, his last week on the job was from a hospital bed. To Catherine and Graham credits, anyone, including every member of the team, visiting Harry during that week, is regaled with the story of how their boss' got an ass kicking of biblical proportion and how he bravely faced the firing squad, known as Ruth.

* * *

Harry has been home for over a week and has thrived under his fiancée's care. His sprained and bruised body is healthy again, except for his ankle. He has to use crutches to move around and it frustrates him to no end. He had not made love to Ruth in over 11 days now, doctor's order because of the bruised ribs and kidneys. It's slowly killing him.

A whiff of her scent, her soft looks and her silky voice play havoc with his body. Her morning show is slowly driving him to the mad house. He knows she is still pretty angry with him whenever her eyes stop on his cast confined ankle.

"Ruth, honey." He calls her, from the living room couch.

"Yes Harry?" She answers from the kitchen.

"Can we go for a drive?"

She walks in the room, eyebrows lifted. "Bored Harry?"

"No… I'm not bored." He blushes from embarrassment but he won't admit she's on the money.

"Because you know I would tell you - if you were bored, which you insist you are not - that it's your own blasted fault if you can't move around or do anything." She smirks at him.

"As I'm not bored, this is a moot point." He pouts.

"Indeed." She looks at him a grin on her lips.

"I want to go for a drive to look at houses. We have to start looking or we'll end up on the street. The realtor phoned me with another offer. That's the second one this week."

Ruth sits down by his side. "Any ideas?"

Finally, they got the news that their only offer, the only house they really wanted is theirs. Miracles do happen. That night, they celebrate with a bottle of champagne. It has been 18 days since they have been intimate and Ruth tells him that the doctor lifted the restriction as long as he doesn't exert himself. She willingly does most of the work while he lies down, venerating her in all her splendour.

* * *

Ruth wakes up slowly. She feels Harry's body against her back. Typically for them, they are spooned together, his arm holding her against him and predictably Harry has grabbed one of her breast in his sleep.

She slowly pulls out from his loving grip and gets up. He's beautiful when he sleeps, a faint smile spreading his lips. She exhales softly and leaves the room. No point in waking him up.

She goes down to the kitchen, makes herself a cup of tea that she takes back up. Moving into his office, she turns her laptop on and starts writing.

 _ **Dear Margot.**_

 _ **Hope this email finds you well. I have great news. It's official, we are moving next month. We found our house. I'm so excited. You won't believe how beautiful it is. The living room is enormous and bright. The kitchen is amazing. It has plenty of cupboards and counter space. Never seen a kitchen this spacious… The most amazing feature is the back wall which is two sets of double French doors that can be left open in the summer. It's like living outside… and it's so sunny Margot… It has a beautiful view on the backyard, which is edged on both sides with fruit trees… We'll have apples, pears and prunes.**_

 _ **Do you have your mother's recipes for preserves? I remember she use to make jams and compotes she would bring over to our house. Now that I'm retired (it still feels so new to say I'm retired), I have time to experiment in cooking and baking. I'm actually thinking of picking up gardening as well. I'd like a small vegetable patch. I could pickle my own veggies from my own backyard. Wouldn't that be a hoot? :-) You should see the pantry… as big as the small room in my flat and covered with shelves. There a few boxes of empty jars that were left there… which gave me the idea for the preserves.**_

 _ **The house has three bedrooms on the second floor. Harry and I want to turn the middle room into an office that we'd share. The other spare room would be for guests. So you know there's a room for you when you come and visit. The master is huge… it must have been two rooms at one point. It has its own ensuite and a large walk in. You should see the bath… It's a master piece!**_

 _ **The backyard is somewhat of a blank canvas… there are a few flower beds, but not very inspired. Right outside the kitchen doors, there's a patio with a strange-looking barbecue. I didn't really look at it but according to Harry it's a pretty technical contraption. From the look on his face, I don't think he has ever seen a barbecue as big and as elaborate before. He looked so adorable studying it.**_

 _ **The house is perfect… and it's so quiet… all one can hear are birds and the wind in the trees. I love it and so does Harry. We both fell head over heels with the place. We are so happy Margot. As soon as we're moved in, you have to come and visit. I'll need your help decorating the place. You've done wonders with yours. It's funny; I've never really been into decorating before… but with all the free time from not working 14 hours days… I want to try things I thought were trivial. The house has such potential. I want to turn it into a home… something that reflects Harry and me, that is welcoming and warm… I don't want posh or stuffy, just a comfortable happy place.**_

Ruth hears Harry's come into the room. He's not so stealthy these days… with the crutches hitting the wood floor; he makes for a pretty noisy spook.

 _ **That's about it for me. Hope you write soon.**_

 _ **TTFN**_

 _ **Ruth.**_

She clicks on the send button and closes the email software. Harry stops behind her, leaning over to kiss her neck, his arms snaking around her waist.

"Hum… you smell of fresh air, flowers and orange blossom. Love the way you smell." He kisses the other side of her neck and whispers. "It turns me on…"

A snort coming from Ruth answers him. She slants her head to the side to allow his lips to travel further on her neck.

"Harry, you've already proven that me breathing turns you on. I don't think you have an off switch, mon Coeur."

She hears him laugh softly. "How's your cousin?"

"She's great… I was telling her about the house." She stands up and puts her arms around him, resting her head against his chest, He smells wonderful.

"I'm looking forward to moving in and putting our touch to it." He kisses the top of her head, comforted in the feel of her body.

"You think we are doing the right thing." She kisses the skin right below his neck, where his chest begins.

"Of course I do. It's our own personal paradise. Don't you love it?" He pulls away to look into her face, lightly apprehensive.

"You're right… I'm just nervous. It's our dream house… I always get nervous when my dreams come true. I always expect the other shoe to drop." She's getting more and more distracted… She wraps herself closely against his chest.

"So you were nervous when I came into your life…?" His eyes are shining with arousal.

"Like you wouldn't believe. Don't you remember our first date? I was terrified… I wanted you to love me and I was sure you wouldn't and here you were, across from me, looking all debonair and at ease."

She loves when they are like that… Slowly rousing to the need to join.

"And hiding the same exact feelings and fears you had. It took me a while to realize I was in love with you, but from the very first day, I knew I wanted you close to me."

His lips brushing against her skin of her forehead, moving down to her mouth and she feels the exultation he feels from simply kissing her. She's left drowning in his love for her.

"Oh… Harry. You infuriate me like no one else sometimes, but you're also such a sweet, adorable and romantic man... I love you to distraction Harry Pearce…"

He runs his hand across her face… gently… lovingly… his eyebrows lifted. "Belly ache?"

"I belly ache love you, mon coeur."

Her mouth lifts to his and she kisses him, letting her tongue slide along his lower lip, feeling the warmth of his mouth, her tongue duelling with his. Harry takes over the kiss, possessing her with his mouth, crushing her against his body, his hand roaming on her back, her side, grabbing her hips between his hand and pulling her against his hardness and she moves her hips in sync with his movement, showing him that she wants him.

The kiss leaves him trembling and reeling under the wave of hunger he has for her. He curses the crutches and his lack of equilibrium…

"I want you Ruth… you have no idea how much I want to be inside you right now." He takes her hand to the front of his pant to let her feel the bulge.

"Probably close to how much I want you inside me." She caresses his length growing harder under her fingers.

"And I want you to stretch when I am…" His hands are on her breasts, playing with her nipples.

She has a quizzical look on her face "Stretch?"

"Yes… you know when you wake up and you stretch… that long, painfully slow stretch… I want to feel it from inside you." He tries to move his hand between her legs to support his words, but he can't reach without letting go of at least one of his crutches.

 _Damn._

"I'm shocked! Shocked and interested… How long have you been stalking me while I sleep?" Ruth's hand sneaks under the waistband of his pyjamas pants.

"Since the first day we woke up in the same bed. You have no idea how erotic you are when you wake up... I missed it this morning." He wants to pout to make his point, but instead a moan escapes his lips as she softly bites his mouth in a loving kiss.

"You are strange man. You always surprise me. I love you the way you are… you are mine… my Happy Harry." She starts walking towards their bedroom, beckoning him, waving her index at him. That's more encouragement than he needs. He follows her with a teeth showing smile.

"Here's another surprise for you then. "How would you feel about getting married at our house?"

The look of astonishment that shows on her face is enough answer for him.

"Should we retire to our bedroom for a committee session and reopen item 5 for discussion?"


	22. The meaning of secrets - Chapter 22

**_Warning - A small part is M Rated for sexual content._**

 ** _I'm really just having fun on this one. I only have 3 or 4 chapters left to this story and the wedding is coming... so here's to fun and fluff._**

 ** _If you enjoy, please review. Ah... review even if you don't._**

 **Chapter 22**

"Harry?" Ruth is sitting in bed trying to read, trying being the imperative word.

"Hmm." Harry is also sitting in bed reading. His cast is propped on a pillow and he's only wearing white boxer shorts, tight white boxer short. She's distracted from her book and thoroughly enjoying the view and his choice of underwear. They make his crotch very appealing and, from seeing him in them before, his backside looks ridiculously good.

Right now, lying relaxed on top of the duvet, he is very distracting, but she needs to grill him before she allows herself any distractions.

"Harry?" She puts her book on her night table. "Remember our engagement party?"

"Of course I do." He keeps on reading his book.

"You asked me if I was pregnant and when I answered I wasn't, you looked relieved." She's got his attention now. His eyes leave his book to move to the ceiling.

 _Hell Bells… She caught that. I shouldn't be surprise... Her job is to see things nobody else does and she's brilliant at her job._

"Yes." He says in a constraint tone.

"So you were relieved?" Ruth isn't entirely sure about wanting the answer to her question.

Harry doesn't answer her right away. He opens the drawer of his bedside table, takes out a pad, a pen and puts them on her lap. She looks at him puzzled.

"I don't know if you've notice, Love, but we've never been really good at communicating."

She smirks at him. _No shit, Sherlock. It took us ten years and me dying to get here._

Harry is still speaking. "We screw up a lot not saying what we mean, not finding the right time or the right words… stuttering is an World Cup sport with us. But I've notice that if we put things in order, make lists… it works rather well. Why change something that works."

She gives him a look of total adoration combined with an evident doubt of his mental functions.

"Harry… you're bonkers. We can't decide our life with lists."

"You forget love, we already did and rather well if I may say. We're up to 18 items now." Thinking about getting this conversation back on track he repeats her question. "So was I relieved you weren't pregnant?"

Harry's smile illuminates his face when he sees her take the pad and pen in her hand confirming what he just said and she denied. He knows from work, that pen and paper for her are needed accessories when she's nervous or uncertain. They make her feel grounded. Harry pulls himself a little higher against the pillow behind his back, sitting straighter.

"Honestly… I was." Harry hesitates as he doesn't know how she'll react. He lowers his head totally absorbed by the book on his lap. "If you were to be pregnant, right now… I'd be 67 when he's 12. How am I supposed to teach him to play rugby or criquet when I'm too old to run? I'll be 75 when he's 20. I'll probably never meet his wife; I'll never be a grandfather to his kids."

He has such a fearful look on his face, it breaks her heart. _He's scared. Could I ignore his doubts? Could I ignore my desire of having his child?_

Harry was talking again. "Ruth, if we have a baby, I'll have to deal with strangers telling me what an adorable grandchild I have. Won't he be angry or resentful when he's older and has to correct people in the same way? Isn't it selfish at my age to want a child?"

"But Harry…" He interrupts her keeping the floor.

"I'm also scared about your lung... what you went through… It might put you in danger if you were to become pregnant." He hesitated but found the courage to admit his deepest feelings. "The chances that I'll die before you do are more than probable. You'll have to raise that child on your own… but what if, God forbids, you die before I do, before he's grown up or what if I'm sick and you have to take care of both me and a child."

She could hear the anxiety in his voice as his breathing got a little faster.

He keeps on going. "I know I'm being a selfish bastard, but more than anything… I want to enjoy the time we have together for a little longer, to love you and be with you. Just you and I. I've never been as happy as these last few months and I want more of it… so much. I want to savour every minute without changes in our lives."

Ruth has had her own doubt about having a child. She'd be 42 by the time he's born. The night feeding, diaper changes, running after a crawling baby or a running toddler… she's exhausted just thinking about it. Could she physically do it? Years of stress, lack of sleep, long days have left her so tired.

Harry speaks again. "In the end, what scares me the most is that you may resent me if I don't give you a chance at motherhood."

 _Oh Harry… my dear and sweet love._ She kneels on the bed and straddling him, she takes him in her arms, hugging him tightly against her body. She kisses his forehead, caressing his face with her hands.

"Harry, you have to believe me when I say that I'll never resent you." She gently takes his face between her hands, plunging her eyes into his before expressing her own concerns.

"Harry… you are not the only one with doubts. We just found one another. Am I selfish to want to go on the Grand Tour with you or to enjoy weekends making love anytime and anywhere in the house? Am I being egotistic to want to love you, just you?" Thoughts she could hardly admit having… she has to tell him. They had promised no more secrets. "Harry, I've waited for you all of my life and now that I have you, I want you all to myself. You are mine as I am yours. Does it make me a horrible human being to not want to share you… even with my own child?"

Harry holds her in his arms, kissing her neck. She feels safe telling him her most intimate thoughts. Could she live the rest of her life without having a child with him… without regretting the choice she makes now? She lifts her head from the crook of his neck and looks into his eyes.

"What do we do Harry?"

"What do you want to do, Love?" Harry is holding her hand, gently rubbing his thumb over her knuckles in a reassuring gesture. "Whatever you want, I'll give you."

"No Harry, I must know what you want, truthfully, independently of me."

Harry doesn't know what to answer, no secrets, no lies, they promised each other. What if the truth makes her love him less?

"I'd choose not to have a child, we can dote on young Wesley or I could push my kids for grandchildren." He says trying to lighten the mood with humour.

Ruth let out a sigh of relief. He told her how he felt, not what he thought she wanted to hear.

"Harry, in all honesty, I would love to have a child with you… but not now. It's too early. I want to get married, go on a honeymoon and make a home with you. I can't picture myself doing that with a baby on my hip. I'd like to be able to revisit the subject in two or three years, but by then it'll be too late to have one. So I guess it's no baby for me." Saying the words, she didn't feel as sad as she had expected to.

"Ruth… are you sure?" He needs to know she's not doing it for him.

"I'm sure Harry." She moves off of him, back to her side of the bed sitting. She takes the pen and paper and concentrate on the white page. She seems to be fighting with her thoughts. He can read her better than anyone and he sees she decides to bite the bullet.

"Harry I'm not sure that I actually want a child." Finally, she said out loud what she couldn't even admit to herself throughout her adult years.

He looks at her with surprise painted on his face.

"What if I'm in love with the idea of having a baby and not the fact itself? You know, to want a baby because that's what I'm supposed to want as a woman and because to want one would be the normal thing to want while to not want one would say I'm not maternal… not normal."

She still stares at the pad in her hand; she doesn't look at him, afraid of seeing judgement on his face. He gently puts a finger under her chin and makes her look at him. She does and sees the gentlest smile, his eyes deep pools of love for her.

"Oh, my Ruth. You are such a wonder to me. Your honesty is such a gift. I love you even more for not hiding how you feel, for telling me this secret. It means more than you'll ever know"

"I love you, mon Coeur." She wraps her arms around his shoulders, playing with the soft strand of his hair on the back of his neck.

"So, we made our decision. No babies?" She asks hesitant.

Harry kisses her softly. "No babies. Item 14 is now settled and officially closed."

"You know that means no sex tonight my love."

Harry pulled away a little, confused. "No sex…"

"If I'm not mistaken, there is not a single condom in this house and I'm not on the pill, which means no sex if we don't want babies You do know how babies are made?" She smiles at him.

"Funny lady… of course I know. The stork drops it down the chimney." He starts moving on the bed, trying to lift his butt, one cheek at the time, to lower his boxers as far as he can manage, moving his good leg out of them while the underwear gets stuck on the cast on his ankle.

Ruth is laughing her heart out which only makes him want her more. He loves her laugh.

"You ninny, Santa drops down the chinmey. The stork leaves the baby on the doorstep." Realising what he's doing she looks at him not knowing why he's doing it. Doesn't he understand that no sex means... no sex.

He undresses her, taking off her camisole and her knickers. She slaps his hand out of the way. "Harry, I said no condoms, no pills, no babies, hence no sex."

He moves her onto his lap, kissing her lips in a tantalizing kiss, before lying down again.

"It only means no intercourse Kitten. You and I have had fun without intercourse. Incredible, unadulterated and very satisfying fun."

The smile now reaches her eyes as they turn mischievous. "Hum. If I have to, I could settle for that type of fun. I guess I must have forgotten about that, you'll need to refresh my memory."

Still straddling him, she lets her hands fall to his chest caressing him, arousing him, moving her hips slowly against his growing erection.

Harry's are dark with desire. "What can I say… you're a little slow and need to be reminded again and again and…"

She ends his sentence for him. "And again. It's a taxing job but someone has to do it and it seems you're up for it." She rubs herself over his length wetting the soft skin, brushing her clitoris against it. Both their breathing becomes shallow and they capture each other's moan in a lips grazing, tongue twisting and teeth nibbling kiss.

His hand on her hips, he pushes her down against his hips, moving them in counter point to hers. He's already hard but he doesn't want to rush things… he wants to enjoy this slowly… to tease her until she begs. She's so very good at begging… so is he for that matter. She's proven that. He sits up, putting his arms around her, he kisses her neck, his lips running from one side to the other, licking and gently biting her earlobes along the way.

"I'm all about fulfilling my duty…." His voice is muffled as his face is now between her breasts, kissing their sides and nuzzling the skin in between, basking in her fragrance always stronger on that part of her body. Harry is kissing her breasts with gusto, licks her nipples and gently grazes his teeth over them. She looks at his tongue darting against her nipples and it turns her on to no end. Nothing's more erotic than his tongue or his mouth on her body.

His hands are running on her back, dancing on her skin, making her shiver and the hair on the back of her neck standing at attention. He is still amazed at how responsive she is to his touch; the tension rising in her body, the goose bumps on her arms, the muscles of her stomach tightening, the wetness he feels against his throbbing erection… all signs of her arousal he relishes.

He wants her now… all the time. He's never felt desire like this… He had wanted Jane when he was young, had lusted for other women… but nothing like this overpowering longing… this hunger for her body. It feels like a blood boiling addiction, a craving deep in his body and his soul, as if he could only find pleasure and fulfillment from hers.

Harry can't wait any longer. Grabbing her hips he tries to move her up. She knows where he's going.

"Together my love… Let me get rid of the pillows. Lie down and I'll climb over you so we can do this together."

He knows for a fact, that position makes her self-conscious but he loves it. To feel her rub herself over his mouth while his hands are full of her enrapturing backside or his finger inside her… or both. Heaven. Sexual heaven."

Smacking his lips as she straddles his head, her knees on each side of it. "Oh… Midnight snack, Kitten… Goody"

* * *

"No…no… no! That's my final answer. End of discussion." His hand slicing through the air in a gesture of finality while he paces the room.

"Harry to end a discussion, we need to have one in the first place. Dictating what you want or don't want is not a discussion. " Ruth stands in the middle of the room, following him with her eyes.

"No way… Ruth. There is no way in hell I'm agreeing to this." His walking circles around her, literally.

"Harry… for me, please." She gives him her biggest and best pout.

"Don't Ruth. I'm serious. Even for you, I won't agree to this." He stops in front of her crossing his arms over his chest.

"Put the caveman away and let's talk about this." She also crosses her arms. For any bystanders this would look like the beginning of a battle to the death.

"No I'm not. It's my wedding too and I don't want it." Harry feels like thumping his foot on the floor.

"You know my love, I don't need your permission. I can do whatever I want." Her face is showing her resolve. She really wants this, for the life of him he doesn't understand why, but he's not giving up on it.

"But I'd be miserable all day… my wedding day would be ruined." It's his turn to use his biggest pout.

"Harry… I want to talk about this. He'll be on my side of the guests list." She's troubled at the thought of ruining the day for him. He's using emotional blackmail, so could she.

"Mon Coeur, my day will be ruined if he's not there."

"Oh… give me a break Ruth. You hardly know the man." His disdain shows on his face and in his voice.

"That's not true." She stumps her foot on the floor.

Harry knows she's just being stubborn so he decides to change tactics.

"Let's say for the sake of arguments that you put his name on either side of the list . You know he'll get killed. We'll have to deal with all the blood who wouldn't go with the colors you chose. Then there would be a police investigation of the murder, after that the trial and we won't be allowed to leave the country, so no honeymoon."

"Harry, you're being silly."

"You're right… how silly of me. With everyone there, I'm sure we could get rid of the body without anyone ever knowing. I mean, our list includes agents from MI-5, MI-6, the CIA, CSIS, three agents from east European agencies and another 5 from agencies in Asia and South America. That's not counting our own team and highly trained friend from the army or retired from the Service. One tiny body wouldn't be much of a problem. It would probably disappear before hitting the floor."

"Harry… stop it right now. You are being childish. I want him end of discussion." Realising what she just said, she stares at her flabbergasted Fiancé. Before he can even find words to answer her, she pulls her tongue at him.

"Not so much fun when you're on the other side of it. Isn't it"

"It's not being childish to not want to invite an assassin to our wedding. Be reasonable Ruth! Everyone knows what he did. You think they are going to let him get away with it. Rubbing it in everyone's face on our wedding day. That's a hell of a stretch, even for your bloody bleeding heart. How can you even suggest it? You are crazy woman. Everyone will agree with me."

"Harry, we've already established that since I died, everyone's opinion has less and less importance in my life. I want him to be there. I really do. Exactly for the reason you listed. I don't want hs life at risk because of one moment of insanity. Think about it, in a way you would be saving his life."

He knows he has to find a way to make her see his side of things. Making himself sound reasonable he comes up what he considers a working solution. At least for now.

"Ok… give me a list of ten reasons why he should be allowed at our wedding and I'll consider to eventually think about the potential of a possibility for discussion of conceivably inviting him."

"Counter proposal. I give you a list of valid reasons and he's in, no discussion."

"Come on… you can't expect me… ok… I'll counter your counter proposal. If I consider your list to be reasonble, we'll discuss his attendance."

"Too wishy washy…" She thinks for a moment and the eureka look on her face makes him shiver. He's not going to like it."

She walks out of the room and comes back a minute later with two pads and two pens.

I write a list of 10 reasons why he should. You write a list of ten reasons why he shouldn't. We compare and the most valid list wins."

He doesn't want to do it but he couldn't refuse either. He's the one who proposed the list, he can't back out now.

"Ok. I'll agree to your terms and add a time limit on it. We have 15 minutes to write our lists."

His thinking it that his list is going to be easy to write, hers not so much.

"Agreed. Let's reconvene in 15 minutes."

They both went to a different room and for the next 15 minutes the tic tac of the clock is the only sound in the house. The cats are sleeping in the dog bed while Scarlett ias lying in a sunbeam on the floor.

12 minutes later, Harry got up from the sofa and joined her in the kitchen. Keeping silent he sit at the table looking at their pets snoozing.

3 minutes later, Harry's resounding voice makess her jumps… "Times up. Drop the pen and get away from the pad."

She gives him a look that could only be described as brassy. He tries but can't find another word. He has to give it to her; she has balls to take him on like that.

"Ok… my list." Harry says ironing some folds in the paper by sliding his hands over it.

Sasha should not be invited to our wedding because:

1\. He stabbed you

2\. He killed you

3\. There a good chance he'll get killed if he's allowed

4\. There's a chance I'll kill him if I have to be in the same room with him for more than 5 minutes.

5\. He's not allowed in the country

6\. CO-19 will be in attendance if he is and that would not be very romantic

7\. He's a mean little jackass

8\. He's Russian, I hate Russians.

9\. I don't want him there

10\. I'll be angry and grumpy all day if I have to look at him.

Ruth rolled her eyes before stating. "I see a theme in your reasoning. It seems to be a choice between blood spilling or grouchy old spook. Not much of one if you ask me."

He's about to speak but she stop it with her hand up in his face.

"Ok… my list."

Sasha should be invited to our wedding:

1\. Because he was your son for 30 years.

2\. Because he stabbed me, we declared ourselves and we owe him us being together

3\. Because if he hadn't stabbed me we wouldn't be getting married.

4\. Because he needs to know you've forgiven him and not feel guilty anymore.

5\. Because we need to have the ban lifted and his attendance would be a great start towards it.

6\. Because we need him to keep an eye on the Russian threat and he wants to attend.

7\. Because that would at least make his life eaasier and at most save it.

8\. Because I've learned to know him. I like him and I want him to attend.

9\. Parce que ce que femme veut, Dieu le veut. Si Dieu ne le veut pas, le diable du moins y aide.. (Tr. What women wants, God wants. If God doesn't want it, the devil will help.)

10\. Because you love me and want to make me happy and that would make me happy.

Harry went at it as soon as she said the last word.

"You're first reason is not valid. He's not my son."

Ruth counters. "But you thought he was for 30 years."

"Dubious at best. Speaking French Ruth? That's low… really low. I thought we weren't supposed to use sex as a bargaining chip?"

"I'm not. Speaking French is not using sex. You simply have a perverted mind, not my problem. To use sex as a bargaining chip would be saying, you're not getting sex until you agree. No b.j. for you Bob or I"ll be moving in the guest room until you see the light..."

"I get it, I get it. You're not using sex."

"It's obvious that my list is the most valid. Your 1 and 2 reasons are why after 10 years of gazes and hand touching, we decided to show how we felt which concluded in us getting married. And if you ask me, they are one and the same, so you're short on your list. 3 and 4 are out as you are not psychic and you can't guarantee anyone will die… 5, 7 and 8… you can't ban someone because you don't like the culture they were born in and being a jackass is not sufficient or you would be banned from your own wedding. May I remind you of the reason for the cast on your ankle." She adds her eyebrows perched on her forehead with a smug smile spreading her lips.

She goes back to his list. "That leave 6, 9 and 10. 6, I see your point. With the Home Secretary in attendance and agents from multiple security agencies, it would be body guards and snipers galore. So I'll give you 6. 9, you don't want him. Tough luck my love. 10. You can't threaten me with grumpiness on the happiest day of my life. It's worse than using sex."

"What about your number 9… isn't that a threat?"

"I'm not responsible for the way you interpret my words. Items 2 on our list clearly states that you're not good at interpreting and you came up with the damn thing."

Harry gets up from the table and paces for a while. Finally, he lifts his arms and lowers them in defeat.

"Ok you win, I'll let you invite him with certain conditions."

"I'm listening." Ruth changes page on her pad to a blank one, pen in her hand waiting for him to speak.

"First, you owe me one, my love. A big one… this will get me out of a monumental cock up without a peep from you."

She wasn't afraid. Sometimes she felt that even a daily pass wouldn't be enough. "Continue."

"You warned every single guest. I don't care how you do it but you get everyone on board with not killing the little prick."

"Agreed."

"Three, we checked every guests for weapons and body bags at the door."

"Hmm… hmm."

"Four, he doesn't come within four feet of you… or me for that matter."

"Not acceptable. I'll agree with four feet of you and won't with the four feet of me."

"Ok. Four. He doesn't come within four feet of you without me being there."

"Not a problem, I like you within four feet of me." She giggles and he looks at her glowering.

"Five. I'm allowed to kill him if I don't leave any blood stains and if I can get rid of the body without you noticing."

"Harry!" She's not really surprise but decides to fake shock for the sake of moral adequacy.

"It was worth a try. You're such a killjoy at times, my love."


	23. The meaning of secrets - chapter 23

The next three chapters will be the end of my story. It's all about Ruth and Harry's wedding but it's also my way of wrapping the serie. I wasn't happy with Ruth and Harry's end but I also dislike the fact that there was no end. The last episode didn't give me sense of a future. Neither did the movie. So here I am with no end.

The wedding is just a pretext to wrap all the characters' future. So be patient with me, I'm aware that three chapters on a wedding is ridiculous… but you'll see my point as you read along.

I miss the serie. I miss some characters more than others, but I miss the stories most of all.

 **Chapter 23**

 **RUTH** :

 _From the minute I woke up this morning, I've had butterflies in my stomach. I'm getting married today. I'm going to be Ruth Pearce. I love the sound of that_. _Today is the day I'm going to be joined with the man I love more than life itself. I thought it wasn't possible but God save me, I love him more every day. I don't understand how I got so lucky and I've tried to figure it out. I've analysed this over and over, left, right, up, down and around. But I'm done questioning why Harry Pearce fell in love with me all those years ago. I'll grab what I'm given, thank you very much._

 _I didn't think I could love this completely. It fills my entire being. I wake up thinking of him and my last thought is for him only. I love sharing his life. His gentle caring voice makes me shiver, the sound of his laugh makes me want to jump him and his boyish smile makes me want to squish him. I've never been this way, don't recognize myself. I've never had such a sense of proprietary. I look at Harry and my mind goes he's mine, mine, mine. That's just not me._

 _And the sex. My God the sex. I never understood what the fuss was all about until I met Harry. Now I get it. The man invented sex he's so good at it. I would never admit it out loud, but I wish we could have sex all the time, because he's a sex genius… and insatiable too. One look, one nibble on his earlobe and he's chasing me all over the house... I love the way we climb with the pleasure growing, together, to this special place, made of love and utter ecstasy, wrapped in a bubble of euphoria._

 _Oh… my god. I better hurry or I'll run out of time. Good thing Catherine insisted in having someone do my hair and makeup. What was I thinking, doing it myself?_

 **HARRY** :

 _I can't believe today is the day. I'm getting married to the love of my life. In a few hours Ruth will be my wife. My God, I just love it. Ruth, my lovely wife. Please meet my wife, Ruth Pearce. My God, I'm so happy. She loves me like no others. She makes me feel cherished and safe. I didn't know this kind of safe feeling existed. I trust her with my life, more importantly with my heart. I feel secure to be vulnerable with her, to be silly and foremost to be who I really am. It took me over five and a half decades to just be me, to take down the mask and be myself with someone. Jane and I never had a chance and it was of my own doing. I was never really myself with her. I'm older and wiser now… with Ruth. She's the only one that truly knows who I am. Since we've been a couple, I've drop the mask, the lies and the secrets. That was our promise to each other and I've been true to my word._

 _I haven't been with her for a week now. She likes to idea of keeping ourselves for the wedding night. My God, I'm going to explode if I don't have her soon. I'm like a 15 year old with a set of blue balls._

 _I can't get her out of my mind. I love this woman. I would go to the moon and back for her. Her beautiful blue eyes look into mine and straight to my soul. She has that smile, that small shy smile she only has for me. It makes me stop breathing. She is a wonder to me._

 _I knew she was nurturing but didn't know how much a part of her it was. She's so maternal I'm afraid she's going to resent not having kids. Maybe we should look into fostering a child in a year or two. She has so much love to give; I see it every time she's with Wesley or my children. There are so many children left without a home, with the time she has on her hands now that she's retired, it is definitely something to consider. We could foster a girl… 5 or 6 years old. I want to see her helping with baths and homework, telling stories at bed time.. She's such a great story teller, I can see it every time I pick her up at the library where she works part time. Children are drawn to her. I didn't know this side of her, I don't think she did either. Yep, fostering might be exactly what we need. It's worth looking into it._

 _I love living with her. The way she waltz around the kitchen when she cooks, how she curls against my side when we watch tv. She sometimes talk to Scarlet and it's the most adorable thing I've ever seen. Most of all the intimacy I have with her and it's not only about sex… even though sex is the best I've ever had. It's has never been this way for me, With Ruth it's not just a physical need, it's a transcending experience and a spiritual connection. When we make love, I look into her eyes and I feel her pleasure to the point of forgetting mine._

 _Hell bells, it can't be this late. Shave and get dress. I cannot be late, I will not be late. Where's Graham. He should be here by now._

 _Hope she likes my surprise._

 **MARGOT**

 _Wow, Ruth is beautiful. I'm surprise by the color of her dress but then it's so Ruth._ _I need to give her the something old for the wedding. Her mother thought she was dead when she gave it to me. It should_ _be hers now_ _._

"Ruth… you look amazing. I've never seen you look more beautiful."

 _She crushing me… I can't breathe. That's not a hug that's an attempt at maiming me.._

"Margot, I'm so glad you're here. I can't believe I'm getting married today… in less than 1 hour now."

"You better believe it Ruth, there's a groom downstairs who can't wait to make you his wife."

"I love him Margot so very much."

"I know dear and he loves you too, it's evident every time he says your name."

 _Should I ask her? No, I can't, it wouldn't be proper. Does she know? What if she doesn't? It might be a disservice if I didn't tell her? Shoot, who am I kidding, I'm just dying with curiosity._

"Ruth, did you know that your husband-to-be has some kind of fetish for doors."

 _Nope she doesn't know or she wouldn't be wearing that look of total surprise on her face._

"When I rang this morning, Harry answered the door and for a minute it's like he wasn't looking at me but rather at the door to your house, as if he was surprise to see it there. Most puzzling is that the door is a mess, the paint has cracks but your Harry looked at it with wonder. I'm not kidding, I could swear he was tearing."

"It's not what you think cousin. I just happen to have the most wonderful man. Come with me and I'll tell you the whole story while I'm having my hair done."

 _I follow her to the dressing table where she sits while one of the women starts fussing with her hair. She looks like a queen holding court. I love what they did with her makeup, enhancing her natural beauty._

 _I hear her soft low voice starts telling the story of Harry and his relationship with doors._

"So… Last year, while I was in the hospital… in fact while I was in a coma, Harry was by my side the whole time… never left me… except once. One afternoon he left me with Catherine, his daughter, to go on a wild errand."

I'm listening to her every word. The makeup artist is sitting with her tea, almost hypnotized by the story and the hair dresser has slowed her movement to make sure she doesn't miss a word as Ruth is almost whispering the story. No wonder the library makes her read stories to kids in the afternoon. She's a talented story teller.

"Right before I got hurt, I told Harry that I wanted us to be together, to leave the Service and live in this house I had found and put a bid on. Minutes later I got stabbed and lying on the grass, I died… in Harry's arms."

 _I feel so sad and so do the ladies from the look of them_. _She died in his arms… just as they declare themselves. God almighty, she died in his arms. Come on Ruth, keep on going. Nothing to worry about, they are getting married today… the ending will be happy._

"So for one day Harry thought I was dead and he tried to find something that would remind him of us. He went to the house. The house I had chosen for us but he couldn't deal with it and left the house. After learning that I would live, Harry inquired about the house to find that it been sold. A few weeks later, while I was still in a coma he went back to the house to get something from it. Something I had told him about."

When we took ownership of this house, we came back and I noticed something different about it. It was the door. My wonderful, thoughtful Fiancé went to the young couple who bought my house, told them a bit of our story and how important this door was to us and that he wanted to buy the door from them… But they refused."

 _What! How could they say no! What…_

"They were so touched by our story that they gave him the door. They told him it was their wedding gift to us. They actually believe that the fact that I survived and that we found each other was a good omen for them. They told him they hope to be as committed in their own relationship."

She takes a sip of water from the table facing her before going on with her story.

"You see, when I got stabbed, Harry wanted to keep me conscious and talking, so he asked me about the house and I told him how I love the green door with the peeling paint. I told him I wouldn't change it for the world. So after he got it, he had it installed on this house because I loved it and so that we never forget how easily we can lose one another… "

 _Ahhhs and ohhs all around. How a door can be such a romantic gesture. She has a good man in her hand. Original and romantic._

"But he told me it was more than that. It was about finding each other even when the odds are stacked against us. That green door is hope, loyalty and commitment all rolled into one. It tells us to never take who we are, as a couple, for granted and most of all it is there to never let us forget that love is worth fighting for, that our relationship might have its highs and lows but that whatever happens, even if the paint is peeling and the door is old and not so pretty, it's worth keeping."

By the time the last word left Ruth's lips, we all had a box of tissue in hand. For a few seconds there were only sounds of sniffing and blowing noses and a 'how romantic' or 'what a man' thrown in the fanfare.

Then Ruth remembers what a monumental occasion today is.

"Ladies, you better get to work or I'll never be ready in time. We have 50 minutes until show time."

 **CATHERINE** :

 _Wow, I love the way Fran did Ruth's hair. Her face is perfect. Jenny is the best makeup artist I know. Being a documentary film maker has its own brand of contacts. Ruth looks beautiful._

 _Dad and Ruth are getting married and I'm the maid of honour. That's the miracle that is Ruth. She has changed him, made him a better man and a better Dad. Simply being who she is, she showed him how to be patient, how to listen without judgment, she taught him unconditional love by loving him unconditionally. Now, he calls me every other day, asking about my day without being overbearing. We have lunch regularly, just the two of us, talking freely, openly. We have an adult relationship I'm proud of. The bad and the ugly were put out in the open, discussed ad nauseam and truly forgiven. It took time but we truly forgave each other and moved forward._

 _Now we trust. Such a magic word. We trust not to hurt, not to lie, not to hide and most important not to take each other for granted. That's due in a large part to Ruth. Dad told me he wanted to change for her, to be deserving of her love for him._

 _She looks so beautiful. I can't wait to see her in her dress. I wasn't thrilled at first… the dress not being traditional; but I'm in love with it now. She looks amazing in it._

 _She's done… finally._

"Ruth… could you come over please."

 _She looks so happy._

"Ruth, Dad asked me to give you this _."_

 _Large flat box in blue wrapping. I'm dying to see his gift to her._

"He says it's his wedding present to you, his way of thanking you for loving him."

 _For God sakes Ruth, just slash through the wrapping… don't be so bloody dainty about it. It's says Cartier on the box. Way to go Dad. Jewellery is always a good idea._

"Holy mother of God." _The words pop out of my mouth before I can stop them._

"Get the bugger out. Bloody hell…"

 _Yeah, I'd swear too if this was my gift. Dear God. I'm blinded by all the shining and twinkling from the diamonds. Beautiful. Just damn beautiful. Both the necklace and the bracelet are a single string of round cut diamonds and they complement the stud earrings beautifully. Dad sure knows his jewellery. When I get married, my fiancée will have to shop with him._

 _Tissue alert. Ruth is tearing up. Not good._

"No Ruth… you can't. You just had your makeup done. Please don't cry."

 _"_ Oh Catherine, I can't believe your father. I've never seen anything so beautiful."

 _This is Venice sinking. What a mess. Please, stop crying… not today._

"Don't worry; every single thing Jenny has put on my face is super strength waterproof." Ruth says seeing me panic.

 _Shit, can she read my mind the way she does with Dad? I can't even swear in the peace of my own mind… Shit. I said shit. No, I thought it. Can I be scolded for my swearing thoughts... Shit! She's not moving, crying her eyes out over the jewellery case. Read this Ruth. Shit, shit, shit. Come on Catherine, think hard and fix this._

"Ruth, let me help you with the necklace and the bracelet."

 _Wow… She quick and I didn't know she was that strong. I can breathe she's hugging me so hard._

"Thank you Catherine, I don't think I could… my hands are shaking so much, I couldn't…"

 _She crying harder now. Way to go Dad. How am I supposed to make her stop?_

 _"_ Please Ruth, don't cry."

 _I have to take her out of this funk. I need a change of tactic._

"Come on, woman. Get yourself together. Shoulders back, eyes in front, arms along the body, stand straight…"

 _Why the confused and puzzled look? Who cares, it got her to stop crying._

"Catherine… this is a wedding, not a military review."

 _The look on her face… priceless… and funny too._

"I know… but this was my father's way of dealing with my tears when I was young."

 _Shit, not good! We're back to crying Ruth. I need reinforcement, better call for help._ "Jenny!"

 _Way to go Jen. You're a genius, waterproof makeup and boxes of tissue. NO! No, no… not good she's still impersonating a fountain. She's gasping._

"Oh… that man! That man! How can you not love that man?"

 _That woman can't see clear she's so in love with my Dad. How else could she think of my Dad yelling orders as endearing?_

 **GRAHAM** **:**

 _I better move my ass. We only have 25 minutes before the ceremony. I need to make sure he's ready. I'm the best man and that's my job today. He's in the guest room, not his own. Got that._

"Not even in my own house… Can't I get anyone to knock when I'm behind closed doors?"

 _He's almost dressed. That's good. God I'm nervous._

"What's that Dad?"

 _Hello Scarlett, please come in. Why the running under the bed? Oh I see. Hey Fidget. Nice strategy, just lie on top of the bed and wait for Scarlett to come out before jumping on her from above, kamikaze style. To think I'm babysitting you guys for 3 months. Why is Dad smiling at the cat?_

"Obviously either here or on the Grid, neither persons nor animals will."

 _That's cryptic even for Dad. Must be an inside joke. I don't get it._

"So… are you ready Dad. You are expected downstairs in 15 minutes."

 _Good move, cutting the time, just to be on the safe side. That's it Dad. First the vest, then the jacket, you're almost ready. He looks good. He's always been a sharp dresser. Is he talking to me?_

"You all right son, you look a bit… phased?"

 _Keep the grunt inside… keep the… too late._ "Dad… I'm so nervous I don't know if I'm coming or going. It's not every day that a guy gets to give his father away."

"You're not giving me away, only the father of the bride does. You're the best man."

 _Are we really going to discuss semantic now Dad._

"Don't worry Graham… everything will be fine. I'll be ready in a second."

"Gosh Dad, I should be the one reassuring you not the other way around. You look so cool and composed. Aren't you even remotely nervous?"

"I'm excited, but I have nothing to be nervous about. Ruth loves me and I love her and we're getting married today."

 _Shit, I almost forgot. Where is it? Pocket dumb ass, it's in the pocket your jacket. YOU put it there._

"Dad, Ruth asked me to give you this."

 _Shit, it's stuck. Get it out… Get it the bugger out. Oops, I shouldn't have just shoved it in his hand, like that. I promised Ruth I'd do this properly._

"She wants you to have this as her wedding gift to you. She says you'll know what it means."

 _That's it Dad, just get the wrapping off. Should I whistle or hum to look like I don't care about what's in the box. Oh… these are beautiful. Gold cufflink with golden stones set in them. Strange… there's no pattern to the stones. Just non-identical rows of round and rectangular stones. No design, no logic that I can see._

 _What's that! Who's sniffing? Not me. Shit… no way… Dad is tearing up. Move over Scarlet, I'm joining you under the bed. Aww! That's the sweetest, most tender smile I've ever seen on his face. Stop gushing Graham… say something._

"Wow these are beautiful Dad, but what is it you're supposed to know?"

"Topaz… my birthstone.

 _He's really moved, he's touching them with… with… reverence. That's the only words that comes to my mind. I should improve on my vocabulary. Whoa, were did that come from. Get back to Dad, now!_

"Swear you'll never repeat any of this, Graham."

"I swear. Cross my heart, hope to die, the whole truth and nothing but the truth." _Better cover all bases._

"The stones are dots and lines… Morse code."

"Morse code?"

 _Who gives Morse code as a wedding gift? Hey! We're talking Ruth here; the woman has a multitude of obscure knowledge and references._

"You know how I tap my fingers all the time?"

"Yeah… You've always done that..."

 _Brain to Graham… you're an idiot… Morse code, all these years he's been tapping Morse codes. Bugger! The stuff I could have learned and used._

"Oh… you tap things in Morse code."

 _Duh!_

"Yes. When I join the army I had to memorize Morse. I would practice all the time… it became second nature. I don't even realize when I do it anymore."

 _Note to self, find a Morse code alphabet and learn it._

"Long ago, Ruth noticed. Everyone thinks she reads my mind. She just reads what I tap and these…"

 _He's kind of cute the way he holds the cufflink between his fingers like they are the most delicate thing in the world._

"These small rows of dots, lines and spaces spell: H R forever."

 _Ok Dad, your eyes are getting really big. Are you having a heart attack?_

"Look, on the back, today's date is engraved. Aren't these the best? I just love this woman so much."

"I know you do Dad, she knows too. Let me put these on for you Dad."

 _My hands are shaking but still steadier than his. Better not mention it, might make it worse. The smile on his face… it's like he's glowing. Couple of years ago, he would have never let me see how touched he is. Love changed him. He's the same hard ball bastard to the outside world, but considerably more open with us. I've seen him smile and laugh more in the last year then I have my entire life. To think I'm here today, his best man and how far we've come._

 _We have revisited the past. There were quite a few raised voices and angry comments, but Ruth made us listen and try to feel what the other was saying. She could have a second career as a mediator. In the end, we moved on from the past and embraced the future. I can say now that I have the type of relationship with my Dad that I've always dreamed of. We are father, son and best friends. I can come to him and talk about almost anything now. It took us almost a year and a lot of talking and I guess there still some fixing in our future… but we are here today, together and it feels really good._

"It's time boy… let's go down."

 **ROSIE** :

"Oh… you look like a princess, Ruth. You're so pretty."

"Thank you Rosie. I'm very glad you think so."

 _I like Ruth. Of all the people Mom works with she's my favourite._

"Ruth… you and Mr. Harry are getting married today?"

 _I call him Mr. Harry because he's mommy's boss. Mom says it's a show of respect. Should I call Ruth, Mrs. Ruth after she marries Mr. Harry?_

"Yes love. We are. Are you ready to be my flower girl?"

"Yes, Mom even made me practice. I'm going to be the perfect flower girl."

"Yes you are… the best ever, I'm sure. Now Rosie, when a woman gets married she needs to have things for good luck. Can you help me with that? First, I need something blue, but I already have that. Then I need something borrowed. Do you have something I could borrow from you Rosie?"

"Yes, I have it here, in my bag. Mommy bought it for me and she told me I had to let you borrow it. It's my nicest hair pin. It has a small shiny star on the tip."

"This is exactly what I needed. Thank you so much. I'll give it back to you, I swear… pinky swear."

 _That's nice the way Fran put the pin in her hair and it winks with the light._

"Want to see my something old, Rosie. You see this penny. My grandmother's Mom gave it to her to put in her shoe on her wedding day. She said that it would bring her and her husband good luck in their marriage. My Gran gave it to my Mom. Today my cousin Margot brought it for me, from my Mom in a way. Now I just need to put it in my shoe."

 _Adults are so weird. It's just a penny and old dirty penny. Mom says that when I don't know what to say I should just nod my head, smile and say something nice._

"That's nice Ruth."

"It is Sweetie, now I need something new."

"Your shoes and your dress are new."

"You're right. Good thinking Sweetie. So I guess that we're ready to go now."


	24. The meaning of secrets - chapter 24

**Hope you enjoy this chapter. This is the one before the last chapter to this story.**

 **Reviews are always appreciated.**

 **Thank you**.

 **Chapter 24**

 ** _STEVEN_**

 _Who would have thought a year ago that Ruth and Harry would get married today? I would have, that's who. I've never seen two people more in love in my life._

 _She was wounded when she was brought in and on my first examination I knew she would not survive and I had to find the courage to tell him. It's always hard to tell family their love one has died, but with Harry I was worried it would shatter him. I wasn't sure he could survive her death. But she made a liar out of me and survived. Actually she didn't just survive, she thrived… for Harry. Made a complete recovery and bloomed into a beautiful woman. They might be legendary spooks, but their love for one another, the 10 years they waited, the sacrifices they made… that's a big part of the legend. It's like the spook version of a fairy tale._

 _The first time I met him I thought he was a pompous bastard, full of his own importance as head spook, but we became friend. We both share a passion for cricket, good scotch and Ruth._

 _I'm not in love with her. As her doctor I'm invested in her wellbeing. If I'm honest, I'm also in awe of her intelligence and her gentleness. I thought I was the only human being interested in the Yuan dynasty, but she amazed me with her knowledge of Chinese history. She really is something else. Brains and beauty. A shame I didn't see her first._

 _Harry's right. I should find myself a good woman, get married and have babies before it's too late. I think he's sad that they won't have any. Just a feeling. But it's the best decision they could make. Her age put her at risk for a first baby and I told him I wouldn't advise it so soon after she was stabbed in the lung. It's been only a year. She's still fragile considering years of stress, lack of sleep, improper nutrition and irregular meals. It made him feel better… I think._

 _Talking about the devil, he's coming this way. I'll never understand women. How he got her is a mystery to me._

 _What's with everyone circling that young m_ _a_ _n but no one talks to him. They all look at him like he's got the plague. What's up with that._

 **WESLEY** :

"This way please. Sir, Madam."

 _I just feel silly showing people to their seats when everyone is standing, chatting and walking around._

 _Hehehehe. I think Graham is going to blow a gasket if Uncle Harry doesn't stop chatting with everyone and move on to his place at the front._

 _I'm going to miss him. I'm so used to see Uncle Harry every week. He takes me out of school for lunch or dinner at least once a week. We always have a really good time together. I can talk to him about the way I feel, how school is going. We go to the dogs, cricket matches; we sometimes just walk and talk._

 _I like Ruth too. She changed him. Before Ruth I would see Uncle Harry often but I would never stay with him. Since they've been a couple, I've often spend the weekend at their house. Sometimes Graham and Catherine join us for dinner. I help Ruth around the garden or doing things around the house. He let me help barbecuing. That thing is out of this world… a mix between a fire pit and a space age burner._

 _I like being with them all. It feels warm._

 _I like Ruth. She's cool. She tells me about ancient wars and great man, Alexander the Great, Leonidas, Octavian... She makes it good, interesting. I wish she could be my history teacher. He's so boring._

"Please follow me this way Sir."

 _Damn. I forgot to ask if he is on the bride or the groom side. Who cares anyway? Most of the people here are on both sides._

 _Yep… it's going to be lonely without them._

 _I wish sometimes they would stop making gooey eyes at one another. It's disturbing. They look like teenager on a snog fest but they are old… old people shouldn't act that way. It truly is disturbing. They kiss whenever they think no one is watching. I'm not watching… they are just really hard to miss. I told Uncle Harry that he had to stop it because that much sweetness will give me a diabetic psyche. That made him laugh hard. He said I was a real comedian, just like my father. Uncle Harry is probably the only one who talks to me about Mom and Dad. He tells me how they were, the stuff they did._

 _I miss them so much. Dad would be so happy today. I remember him telling Mom, he had a better chance at winning the lottery than being at Harry and Ruth's wedding. I miss Mom too. Mom was so pretty and she had the best smile. I miss her smile. I remember her smell most. Weird to remember her smell but I do. She would come to my bed at night and I would fall asleep wrapped in her smell. I miss Dad's smell to but it's his laugh I miss most._

 _Uncle Harry reminds me of him. He's a hero to the country, like my Dad, who died a hero._

 _It's going to be a really long three months stuck in that jail they call a school. Mom's parents are in South Africa and except for Uncle Harry I rarely have visitor. Good thing he asked Uncle Malcom to visit while he's on his honeymoon with Ruth._

 _I wonder if Uncle Harry knows I'd like to live with them, they could be my family. I'd pay to have a family again. I miss having a home. I don't like boarding school._

 _What's with the guy with his back to the wall? He doesn't seem to be on any side. No one is talking to him… Actually, no one is approaching him. What's up with that?_

"Please Ma'am, allow me to…"

 _I can't believe her. She passed right by me as if I wasn't there. I don't need that shit. Why don't you all sit wherever, whenever? I'm going to have myself a soda._

"Hey Tariq."

 _God, I was perched. I needed that._ "Why aren't you outside Tariq."

"Because I'm the music director. So I'm sitting here directing."

"I'm the usher and I'm done ushering."

 _First laugh of the day. I like Tariq. He always laughs at my jokes. Probably because he's not much older than I am, he gets them._

"Hey can you keep a secret Wes."

"Of course, after all I'm a son of a… spook." _Another laugh. I'm in the zone today_.

"What's the secret Tar."

"Harry is taking Ruth on a three months trip."

"Isn't it tradition to go on a honeymoon after the wedding? I'm 12, I'm not stupid."

 _I got news for you Tariq, I know about the Grand Tour. Uncle Harry told me already. I actually know the whole story. How he took Ruth for dinner and described her as his ideal travelling companion and now they are going on the Grand Tour. He told me all this to explain why I wouldn't see him for three months. How's that Mr. Tariq, the desk spook. I know more than you do and I intend to keep it that way. Uncle Harry wouldn't want anyone to know about the Grand Tour._

"What's so special about it Tariq. They are both retired; they have the money and the time, why not go on a really long trip."

 _Three months without seeing Uncle Harry and Aunt Ruth… I sure am going to miss them._

 **MALCOM** :

 _I'm so nervous I can't even knock on the bloody door. I've been standing in front of Harry and Ruth's bedroom door for three minutes and my hand still refuse to make a fist and knock._

 _I hope nobody kills Sasha while I'm up here. We all promise Ruth to not touch a single hair on his head but if someone decides to break their promise, I hope they make it a long and painful death.. that I'd like to be witness to._

 _I can't believe they are finally getting married. At long last, I'll be able to mollify some of the guilt I've felt since meddling all these years ago. I so regret that. They might have been married for years by now if it wasn't for me. I'm such a sodding idiot. Mum keeps telling me I have no social skills or grace and she knows me best._

 _I wonder if they know how nervous we all are. We've been waiting for so long, always expecting something to crush our hopes in some weird way. All this time, one step forward, a hundred steps backward. Over ten years of glances, little smiles, fingers lingering a fraction too long and huddling through the same pod. A long decade of misunderstanding and of unrequited love… we are all afraid something or someone will happened and pull them apart. Until the ceremony is over and they are pronounced husband and wife, everybody here is nervous._

 _They are getting married… I hope they are getting married. I'm so nervous, what if they don't. Stop it… Now, one deep breath and knock._

 _Hallelujah! It worked. Ok, good. Now walk in Malcom, walk in the room, pick Ruth's arm and take her downstairs to Harry, that's all you have to do. Simple enough!_

 _WOW!. Ruth is really a beautiful woman. She's perfect. Now, move and go to her. No, no, no… don't improvise. Who told you to grab her hand and kiss it?_

"Harry is one lucky bastard Ruth. You are a vision."

 _Did I just say that? Ohhh! I just love when she blushes._

Thank you Malcom. I actually feel beautiful."

 _Offer her your arm. Can't you see she's waiting for you? That's it Ruth, put your hand on my elbow and let's go. Now Malcom walk and shut up. Good… We're downstairs now. Tariq is at his post, he presses the button. Oh… that's nice. Nice and soothing. I'm good now._

"Nice piano."

 _Shit, don't talk Malcom, just stand with her and wait for Rosie and Catherine to walk to the front. It's really good piano. From what Tariq told me, she picked it and he tweaked it. She wanted a longer intro._

"Ready to get married Ruth?"

 _God, I can't keep my mouth shut… not good. Wow... Who knew she had that megawatts smile in her. It's the most enchanting smile I've ever seen on her face. Harry probably knows that smile. Funny I'm not nervous anymore…_

"As ready as I ever will, Malcom."

 **DIMITRI** :

 _I never thought I would see him again. For Sasha to show his face is adding insult to injury. I wonder if I could convince him to go with me in the back of the garden… then make the body disappear without Ruth knowing. I promised her but I could always fake a memory lapse if she finds out._

 _Here's my beautiful Erin, fidgety but beautiful. That's it, sit with me beautiful. Who knew I would fall in love with my boss. I'll have to tell her someday._

 _Stand up, music's starting._

 _Here she is… Rosie. That little girl has me wrapped around her finger since the day we've met. When she was kidnapped, I had never been this scared. She has found a way into my heart. I'd like to be part of her life, be the male role model in her life. She's an amazing kid which shows that Erin is an amazing mother._

 _We've been tip toeing around one another for more than two years now, going on dates but never taking this further. We seem to be stuck. I don't know why it is._

 _Her new position as head of the counter terrorism division is not helping the matter. Can we separate the job and us as more than friends? Maybe Harry can tell me how to deal with that. He knows. He did it for years and not once were they caught in inappropriate behaviour or in a compromising position._

 _Did she just take my hand in hers. Ah Erin… you're so beautiful. Can we do this? Can we find a way to be together._

 _Harry and Ruth's relationship has been the nexus to our extended group of people. Malcom has someone in his life, even if he doesn't know about it. According to Ruth, he's a goner already. Graham has his lady with him today. She's really nice and the body on that woman is dynamite, almost as good as Erin's. Alec is interested in someone, that's all I know because that's all he's told me. He's got that love sick puppy look sometimes. Who thought?_

 _Do I have the same look whenever Erin is around. I'm so sick of hiding from her. I need to do something about it. Who am I shitting…? I just haven't had the guts to talk to her and I've got to. I AM NOT doing a Ruth & Harry. I'm not waiting ten years. No way in hell I'm waiting that long. I've offered to take her home after the wedding. That's my cue. Once Rosie is in bed I will talk to her, tell her I'm falling in love with her. _

**TOM** :

 _I'm glad Harry invited me. I never thought I would see the day. When he contacted me for a hit job, I wouldn't have guessed ending up at his wedding a year later. I'm glad we reconnected. I've always liked him. He was my mentor and now he's a good friend._

 _I hope he accepts my offer. He would be the perfect consultant for my security company. A former MI-5 section head would surely attract potential clients. If I could also get Ruth to join, it would be like the good old time on the Grid. Me, Christine, Harry and Ruth, Malcom. The best security has to offer._

 _I really hope he will. When I casually mentioned it last week, in front of Ruth, she gave him that look, a positively chilling look and told him to remember Item 12 and how he ended his career. He shut me up fast… really fast. We all know how Ruth got on his case when he got hurt during his last week on the job. If it wasn't so funny every member of the team would be scared of Ruth._

 _I'm not. My wife is much scarier when angry. She's looking at me. God, she's so beautiful. I never thought I could love a woman that much. My wife… Oops… I missed that. What? I'm always surprised how well she communicates with her eyes. A single look can be a whole conversation with Christine and every single time, I get what she's asking without her opening her beautiful mouth._

"The flower girl is Rosie, Erin's daughter. Erin is…"

"I might not be CIA anymore, but I still know who the head of Section D is, Honey. The maid of honour, who's she?"

"Catherine, Harry's daughter. Haven't you met her before…"

"Nope. Whenever we visited Harry and Ruth, she wasn't around. She's really pretty, must take after her mother."

"Claws in, Sweetheart. Feistiness only suits you when we're in bed."

 _Yep Sir, 4 years married, a 2 year old son and I still can make her blush._

"Tom… behave… but keep that thought." _She nodding and pointing to her right with a move of her chin._ "What's with the FSB agent over there. Why is everyone avoiding him?"

"Oh…. That's Sasha Gavrick. He's the asshole who stabbed Ruth and we all promise not to kill him. How do you know he's FSB?"

 _Eye rolling, Now, she thinks I'm an idiot and it's the asshole's fault. I could stick the body behind the hedge plant at the back and pick it up after dark._

 **ALEC** :

 _Catherine looks really nice. Really, really nice… What the hell… She's beautiful. How could I make such a mess of things with her? How am I going to fix this? I should just forget it. If Harry knew what I did, he'd kill me on the spot. He's so protective of her and I'm no catch._

 _What the fuck is Sasha doing looking at her like that? The guy is only alive because I promise Ruth I wouldn't kill him… and because they took my knife away when they search me as I came in. If he puts one finger on my Catherine, I will forget my promise and I won't need a knife. I will kill him with my bare hands._

 _She's mine._

 _I just want to be close to her, to talk to her… I want… no I need her. I can't stop thinking about the one time we were together. I want to be with her, know everything about her. What's her favourite color, her favourite book or movie? What makes her cry or smile? I want to be the one bringing a smile to that beautiful face._

 _Harry made me promise to clean my act if I wanted to stay long term with Section D. I became his pet project. Let's get Alec's life back together has been the theme this year. He got me to quit drinking and attend anger management sessions. We meet regularly just to talk, to find out how I'm doing on and off the Grid._

 _That's how I met Catherine while having tea at Harry's. Since that day, she's been on my mind; I can't stop thinking about her, picturing her. Every time I went to Ruth and Harry's, I'd hope to see her there and whenever she was, it made my week. Then one day, her car was in the shop and I offered her a ride home, she offered coffee and I accepted. Once inside her flat, there was no coffee, no talk… she grabbed me by the neck and kissed me like her life depended on it. I pushed her against the wall and we had the most amazing sex ever… right there, against the wall. Grand standing slam. It took all of 7.4 minutes from beginning to end. I was reeling with emotions. She had gotten to me. Actually through me, I had to reconcile what had just happen. So like a dick, I got myself back in my pants and left. Things have been tense since then, fantastically tense. She has hardly said a word to me._

 _What if she just wants to be friends with benefits? I want more. What if she moves on and meet someone else. I've got to get my act together and fix this before it's too late or before she meets some other guy._

 _She's so smart and beautiful. She wouldn't want a man like me. I so want to be with her, just to breathe her perfume, hear her voice. My god, I'm so pathetic, it's not funny._ _I can't resist looking at her and remember how she feels beneath me. How…_

 _No… I've got to stop this. I'll steal a dance from her later on and whether she likes it or not, we are going to talk._

 **CATHERINE** :

 _He's looking at me. Walk straight and ignore him. Remember what happened. He just left you there before your skirt was down. Anyway dating a spook is not an option. Dad would go ballistic. They are full of secrets, lies… and death._

 _Shit! How can I ignore the looks he's giving me? Has he always been this hot? He's bad boy Alec and he looks sinfully sexy in his black suit, bedroom hair, scarred face and dark eyes that show his broken soul. So fucking sexy. I wish I could find out if he has other scars under his suit. We never got undress that time we… he… God I'm such a doormat. He used me for sex and I'm here wishing I could get him in a dark corner and snog him to death._

 _Catherine, mind out of the gutter. Your father is getting married._

 _Look at my Dad. He's so happy he glows. I hope Ruth knows how happy I am she's marrying him. She gave me my Dad back. How can you thank someone for your family?_

 _Twirl around and stand on the right side of the minister. My right or his right! Mine… no… his. Oh for the love of all that is allmighty, just stand across from Graham._

 _Dad's going to lose his marbles when he sees her… she's not a classical beauty, but today she's mesmerizing, sexy as hell, gorgeous and classy. Dad is going to be chasing after her as soon as the ceremony is over._

 _Why is Sasha smiling at me. I thought Ruth was crazy to invite him. She's pushing the forgiveness envelope. He killed her… he shouldn't be here… smiling at me. Yeurk…_

 **SHASA** :

 _I'm truly asking for trouble but can't resist. Just thinking of taking Catherine for a spin around the dance floor makes me smile. To see me with his daughter will drive Harry berserk. He's so easy to tease. I like him… I like Ruth more. Never met a woman like her. She nurturing and soft spoken and her smile is the best._

 _I was quite annoyed with the four feet rule Harry imposed on me but I got over it when I thought of inviting Ruth to dance… hehehehe The three of us dancing should be hilarious._

 _I can't believe how lucky I was that she forgave me. It costs me a small fortune in weekly gifts but if it helps getting the ban lifted, it was worth every rouble. The gift weren't about that at first. I just wanted to annoy Harry, but now I see the benefits of having her on my side.  
_

 **TOWERS** :

 _I can't believe he's here. He's smiling. How can he be? Doesn't he feel guilty, sad, embarrassed… something. He stabbed her for God sake. He shouldn't be smiling the way he is right now, enjoying himself. I wish Ruth had not convince me to lift the ban for this once. She wanted it so much I had to agree in the end… for her wedding._

 _They are finally getting married. I'm a meddling old fool but I've wanted this for them for so long. How they never figured out that getting Ruth to work for me was partly a way to force Harry's hand, is beyond me. I had hoped the thought of losing her would be enough to make him act on it. Harry being Harry, things didn't go according to plan, He's the most stubborn and closed man I've ever met._

 _How could they not see what was so apparent to all of us… that they belonged together. Who needs Russians? The electricity between them would be enough to solve our energy crisis. I've seen couple in love before, but like that! Never._

 _They glow when they are together. His mood and his spirit lift right up when she comes into the room to join him. He's never been so relax and happy and she's never been more beautiful. Love suits them._

 _How could they not see it? We all did._

 **CALUM** :

 _Papa Bear and Mama Bear… together at last. Here's a reason to celebrate. Never thought it would happened. Ruth is beautiful. She's always been beautiful. She is such a kind being._

 _How else could one explain her inviting her killer to her wedding if it wasn't for the kindness of her heart. Too kind as far as I'm concern. He doesn't deserve her forgiveness; he deserves pain and lots of it... excruciating pain, like the one he inflicted on Harry when Ruth died. But what Ruth wants, Ruth gets. So we're all behaving and trying to ignore the little fucker._

 _I wonder how everybody is going to react when I announce that I'm leaving MI-5. I didn't want to tell them before the wedding, but next week I will. I couldn't resist the offer to develop new surveillance and recog software in the private sector. Better hours, much better pay, no chance of getting shot or blown up to pieces, and the toys I get are out of this world._

 _But I have to do this. Since I met Annabelle, I've been thinking about the future. I can't stay, keep the hours we have in the Service if I want to have a family life. Harry almost lost his children and when I think of poor Wesley, I wouldn't want this for my kids. And there's the whole fraternisation form I haven't filled out even though we've been together for a year now. I'd get more than a slap on the wrist for that one. It could break my career, may as well leave now. Nobody knows about her, she doesn't know I work for MI-5 and I don't want her to know and I certainly don't want to have our relationship down to filling out a form and having her vetted. She deserves more. She thinks I'm in IT and I'm just another quiet nerd who lives an uneventful life._

 _Maybe I'll take Annabelle to meet Ruth and Harry when they come back from their trip. I'm thinking engagement party around Christmas and wedding next summer._

 _There isn't a dry eye in the place. Erin is crying so hard, I'm thinking of building an ark._


End file.
